Butterflies Fly Free

Friday turned out to be a very strange day.  Just before lunchtime, the building where I work suddenly, and unexpectedly, lost power.  We waited around for a little over a half-hour for it to come back on, but that didn’t happen.  The only illumination inside the building was coming from the limited number of emergency lights in the corners of the hallways and the small amount of sunlight that filtered in through the windows that illuminated the offices along the exterior walls.  One of the big bosses used his cell phone to call the electric company, to see if they knew about the current crisis and if he could learn how long the power outage might last, before things got back to normal.  While speaking with a supervisor at the utility, he was also informed as to what had caused the problem in the first place. 

It seemed that a tanker truck hauling hazardous materials had been involved in a traffic mishap with several other vehicles and collectively they knocked down a couple of utility poles, which disconnected several wires and disrupted service.  Due to the complications arising from the accident, such as people being trapped in the wreckage and the release of toxic fumes, the power company projected it would be several hours before their field workers would be allowed into the area and able to restore service.  Seeing we could do little without electricity, those in charge decided it would be best to send us home for the day.  In other words, this tragedy that had a negative effect for multiple commuters would end up giving my office, and probably many other local workers, an early start to their weekend. 

After being told what streets and thoroughfares to avoid, because they had been blocked off or traffic was backed up on them, I decided what alternate route I was going to use and headed home.  It took me slightly longer to get there than it normally would have, so I didn’t arrive at my place until just about 2:30.  As I entered the house, I looked and listened for Colt, because I knew he only had one test that morning, before he was through for the summer.  Once inside, however, I didn’t see him anywhere around, so I assumed he must either be working on one of his lawn jobs or off playing basketball with his friends. 

Looking forward to a little down time, I headed toward my bedroom, eager to strip out of my work clothes, don a pair of shorts and then go outside to get some sun before Colt showed up.  As I opened my bedroom door, I spotted Colt on my bed in a sixty-nine position with someone else.  I was just about to slip back out of the room without saying a word when the other boy noticed me and pulled off of Colt’s dick.  That’s when I noticed it was Jason. 

“Hey, what are you stopping for?” Colt began to protest, only to look up and notice me too.  I can’t describe the expression that spread across his face at that point, but it seemed to be a mixture of horror, dread and shame all at the same time.  I felt I had to extricate myself from this situation gracefully, so I quickly turned away from them. 

“I didn’t mean to intrude,” I told them.  “I just got out of work early and was going to change.  Please forgive me for barging in on you like this.” 

I quickly shut the door and walked back down the hallway, but I could hear the boys scrambling about inside, probably searching for their clothes, so they could get dressed.  I believe they were also whispering to each other, but I couldn’t tell what they were saying and didn’t stick around to listen in.  I was still somewhat in shock and couldn’t focus on anything else, but I did somehow managed to stagger into the living room, where I sat down, or more appropriately, collapsed in my chair.  It was only a few moments later when Jason came out to confront me. 

“I’m sorry, Leo,” he began, barely able to look in my direction. “I know I’m probably not welcome here any more, so I’ll just leave.” 

As he began to move toward the door, I found my tongue and spoke. 

“Jason, you don’t have to go,” I told him, although my heart was breaking, because I was sure this meant I had now lost Colt. 

“I’m not upset,” I lied

“But… but…” he stammered, but I cut him off. 

“All guys do a little experimenting when they’re younger, so why should you two be any different,” I informed him.  “It’s ok.  I understand.” 

Even though my stomach felt as if it was tied in knots and my heart felt like it was breaking, I couldn’t be mad at either of them.  Jason just did what came naturally for someone in his teens and I’ve always had a suspicion that Colt would eventually find someone his own age to be with. 

“You mean that?” Jason asked, still not believing his ears. 

“If I didn’t, then I wouldn’t have said it,” I lied again, to spare his feelings, and Jason looked relieved. 

“Thanks, Leo, but you should go talk to Colt,” he urged.  “He’s really upset and thinks you hate him now.” 

I knew Jason was probably correct about Colt, so I had to do what was best for him, even if it destroyed me in the process. 

“Ok, you stay here and don’t go anywhere,” I advised him, “and I’ll go see Colt.  He should be ok in a little while, so he’ll probably want to see you after I finish speaking with him.” 

Jason smiled weakly, as I turned and headed down the hallway to my room. 

“Ok, I won’t go anywhere,” he informed me, as I was moving away from him. 

Although my legs were wobbly and I wasn’t sure if they might buckle at any second, I made my way down the hallway and stuck my head back into the room.  Colt looked up immediately, with a pained expression on his face and tears rolling down his cheeks. 

“Leo, please don’t hate me!  Please,” he whined, while looking almost as badly as I felt.  “And please don’t make me suffer forever for doing something so stupid.”  

“Colt, it’s alright,” I responded, even though I probably wasn’t overly convincing.  “I don’t and won’t ever hate you.” 

Colt looked up at my face, with his lips still quivering and tears still streaming down his face. 

“But you don’t love me any more, do you?” he wanted to know, and I could see the fright clearly evident in his eyes. 

“Colt, I still love you and always will,” I told him and I meant every word of it. 

“But you don’t want me around any longer, do you?” Colt added in a shaky voice, while letting his head drop downward, almost as if he was afraid to hear my answer. 

“Colt, I shouldn’t have expected someone your age and with your lack of experience to actually commit to a long-term relationship in the first place,” I countered, as I tried to take him off of the hook, but he wasn’t going to let me do that. 

“Leo, it’s not that I don’t love you, because I do,” he insisted.  “It’s just that you’re the only guy I’ve ever been with and I just wanted to see if it was different with someone else…”

I didn’t let him finish, because I wanted to quickly eliminate his guilt and make him feel a little better.  If I was honest, it was also so I could get away and spend the time dealing with my own feelings

“You don’t need to explain,” I interrupted.  “It was unfair of me to deny you the opportunity to try these things with other people first or to think that you wanted to be exclusively with me.” 

“Leo, don’t talk like that,” Colt sobbed.  “It sounds like you don’t think I love you any more, but I do, more than ever.” 

“I don’t doubt your love, but I need to let you spread your wings and test them out for a while first, before asking you to make such a definite commitment,” I explained. 

“What do you mean?” Colt asked, confused.  “Are you saying you’re throwing me out?” 

“No, I’m not throwing you out,” I quickly assured him. 

I then took a few seconds to think about how I was going to explain this to him in a way he would understand, without hurting him even more.  Suddenly, I came up with an idea. 

“Colt, let me give you an example about what I mean,” I began.  “I love butterflies too and think they are one of God’s most beautiful creations.  The thing is, I don’t want to merely look at butterfly specimens that are dead and pinned to a board.  I want to observe them while they are alive and flying freely about, as God intended.” 

“I don’t understand,” Colt replied, after trying to grasp my meaning. 

“Colt, I don’t want you as a trophy or something to merely be ogled and kept in private,” I advised him, while trying to clear up my analogy.  “Young boys should be allowed to enjoy their youth and the freedoms it offers, without being asked to give it up prematurely.  You need to be around others your age, so you can experiment and learn things for yourself, instead of being kept from doing those things, like some pretty specimen that I keep under glass.” 

Colt was still looking at me strangely, as if he didn’t understand, so I tried another approach. 

“Colt, one of the most difficult things people ever learn in life is that if you love someone deeply enough, then you must be willing to let him go and have faith that he will do what he thinks is right for him,” I added.  “If this means he doesn’t do exactly what you want or were hoping for, then what you wanted probably wasn’t meant to be.  If he does do what you were expecting, then you’ll know you were meant to be together and can share the deepest love and connection that anyone could ever experience.  That’s where many people fail as parents, because their love is a stifling type of love, the kind that smoothers the person they care about, or their love comes with chains and they are unable to let go, because they are afraid of losing that person’s love or not having it returned.” 

“Leo, don’t talk like this, you’re scaring me,” Colt pleaded.  “You don’t have to let me go.  I don’t want you to.  By doing what I did with Jason, I’ve learned it wasn’t the same as it was with you.  We only did it a couple of times, but with Jason it was just sex.  Sure, it was fun and felt good, but I realized I didn’t want to be with him all of the time, like I do with you.  With you, even after we do sex stuff, afterward I don’t want to let you go.  I need to hold you and feel you beside me, but that’s not what happens when I do thinks with Jason.  I just needed to discover there was a difference and find that out for myself.” 

After he finished speaking, Colt began to move toward me. 

“I understand,” I assured him, “and you don’t know how happy I am to hear you say it, but just trying it a few times with one other person might not be enough to help you decide these things fully.  I think it would probably be best if you spent time doing things with others your own age and even try some different things with them, and then in a few years, if you still think you love me, we can try this again.” 

At this point, Colt burst out sobbing.  It was as if a dam had crumbled and released the reservoir it had been holding back.  He also leaped on me and wrapped his arms around my body, as he clung to me for all he was worth and squeezed me tightly.  He was also dampening my shoulder with his tears. 

“Leo, NO!  I’ve learned my lesson and I only want you.  Please don’t do this,” he begged. 

I can’t say that he didn’t get to me with his outburst, because now I had tears flowing down my cheeks as well. 

“Colt, you just need a little more time to grow up and discover what you really want,” I explained.  “I just wasn’t wise enough to see that sooner and give you the chance to find things out for yourself.” 

“Leo, you’ve given me more chances than I deserve, but then I went and hurt you,” he countered.  “I know now that I don’t want anyone else but you.  Trust me, I HAVE grown up and learned my lesson.  Please don’t leave me, don’t throw me out and most of all please don’t hate me.” 

I wrapped my arms around him and squeezed, because I didn’t want him to think I hated him. 

“I’ve told you before I could never hate you, Colt,” I offered, as soothingly as I could.  “I will always love you and you will always own a very big piece of my heart, but…” 

“Then just forgive me,” he pleaded, cutting me off.  “I know now that we were meant for each other and I always want to be with you.  Only you.” 

He was almost suffocating me, as he squeezed my body and tried to smother me in kisses.  Seeing this, I knew I had to let him down gently. 

“Look, I’ll agree to this much,” I offered.  “We’ll take it slowly from now on and then if sometimes you want to do things with me, we can, but if you want to try thing with some other guys, I won’t stop you or hold it against you.  I just don’t want you to ever have any doubts that you did the right thing or were ready for a relationship, if we do end up staying together.” 

“Ok,” he quickly agreed, “but you don’t have to worry.  I’ve tried everything I ever want to try with anyone else but you.” 

“Colt, let’s just wait and see,” I offered.  “I’m going to change and then go out in the back yard to sun myself and we can talk about this more later, if you still want to.” 

I then pried myself free of his tenacious grasp and began to change into my shorts. 

“By the way, Jason is out in the living room waiting for you,” I told him, since Jason hadn’t left yet, and Colt looked surprised when I said this. 

“But… but… I thought he went home,” he muttered, since he still wasn’t sure if he had heard me correctly. 

“I told him he didn’t have to go and everything was fine,” I explained/  “He promised he’d wait in the living room until we were done talking, so go out and spend time with him, while I’m enjoying the sunshine.” 

Colt was still a little hesitant about doing this, but I think he finally decided he owed Jason some kind of an explanation as well.  We left the bedroom together, but he went into the living room, while I slipped through the utility room and went out the backdoor.  Once I was outside, I sat down on a lounge chair and stretched out, to take advantage of what was left of the golden rays of the sun.  As I did this, however, my mind was racing over everything that had happened since I’d arrived home. 

No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t undo the knot I still felt in my stomach, which was partly due to the doubts I still harbored.  As much as I wanted to believe every word Colt had said, I still wondered if he had just told me those things because he was afraid I’d throw him out on the street if he didn’t.  Even though I would never have done anything like that, it was possible his fear of having to live on his own again had prompted him to make those comments, so I still wasn’t convinced he’d really meant them.  I was so confused and even a little scared, so I didn’t know exactly what to believe. 

I had meant what I’d told him though, about loving someone enough to let him go, but I still had my doubts that he might not come back to me if I did that.  Even so, I definitely had to give him his wings and allow him to fly wherever they took him.  I had to let him have some time with others his own age, without me hovering over him and making those decisions for him.  Then, if he eventually returned, I’d know for sure that it was me he wanted to be with. 

I sat alone and thought about this for a couple of hours, as I rehashed everything that had happened and went over it again and again in my mind.  How could I have been so blind?  Why didn’t I recognize the signs when Jason stopped using the spare bedroom and started sleeping in Colt’s room?  Why didn’t I get suspicious after coming home from the campground and finding them so flushed and panicked?  Not only that, but there were all of those other times too, such as when they were alone in Colt’s room studying, the nights Colt slept alone instead of coming in with me, and his sudden lack of interest in doing anything sexual with me.  I attributed everything to his wanting to do well in school or that he was just tired out.  I never considered something might be amiss.  Sometimes, I can really be sooooo dumb. 

About this same time my stomach began to growl and I realized that I should probably go inside and begin fixing dinner.  Jason was spending the weekend again, which meant I had two growing boys to feed, as well as myself, so I made my way into the kitchen and started to throw something together.  I didn’t see the boys when I first entered the house, but I knew better than to go looking for them, especially after what had happened earlier.  Instead, I’d just fixed dinner and would let them come eat when they were ready.  

I was just taking things out of the oven when the boys came in from outside.  It was apparent they had been playing basketball and just finished their game, but they weren’t joking around or doing any verbal sparring with each other, as they normally would have done.  It made me wonder if something else had taken place during their game or if they were still a bit upset about what had happened earlier?  I guess I’d just have to wait and see if they gave me any other indications about what was bothering them. 

“Dinner’s ready, if you two are hungry,” I announced. 

“Yeah, we’re starved!” Colt responded for both of them, as they started moving toward the table. 

“Hold it right there!” I stated, bringing them to a sudden halt.  “I was able to smell you the minute you walked through the door, so why don’t you go clean up first, while I set the table and put the food out.” 

They looked at me and then made a slight face. 

“Ok,” Colt responded.  “Jason, you can use my shower and I’ll use Leo’s, but hurry up.  I’m starved.” 

“Don’t worry,” Jason told him, as they went racing down the hallway.  “I’m hungry too.” 

The boys showered and were back at the table in about ten minutes, which meant they definitely looked and smelled better.  We sat down to eat and the boys began shoveling the food down right away.  About halfway through the meal, they started to ease up and Colt finally spoke. 

“I’m sure the camping trip is off now,” he began, “but will Jason still be able to spend the week here with us, while his parents are away?” 

“Who said anything about the camping trip being off?” I asked, feigning ignorance, while knowing full well why he believed that might happen. 

“I just thought…” he answered, before I cut him off. 

“Then you thought wrong,” I interrupted.  “I told you boys that I wasn’t upset with you and nothing has changed.  I’ve already made the reservation for the campsite, so everything is set.” 

They glanced at each other tentatively and then looked back at me. 

“Are you sure?” Colt asked again. 

“I’m positive,” I answered and then continued eating. 

“By the way,” I added a few minutes later, “did you get things resolved with Albert?” 

“I think so,” Jason replied.  “I told Bert that I could either be friends with both him and Colt or I could just be Colt’s buddy, but the choice was up to him, because he wasn’t going to tell me who I could have as a friend.” 

“I’m sure that went over big,” I observed, with a touch of sarcasm.  “I’m also fairly certain that Albert is even more pissed at Colt for telling you what happened and bringing this out in the open.” 

“I had that covered too,” Jason explained.  “Since he told Colt this out in front of the school, I just told him someone else overheard what he said and then told me.  He doesn’t know Colt was the one who told me.” 

“Very clever,” I agreed, thinking that might have been a wise move on his part. 

Even though Albert might still suspect that Colt had been the one to tell Jason, he could never be totally certain.  This way, we hoped Albert would give Colt the benefit of the doubt and not escalate the problem. 

“In that case, maybe you’d like to ask Albert to join us on the camping trip,” I offered, which caused the boys to look at each other in disbelief. 

“Are you crazy?” Colt challenged.

“No, I don’t think so,” I quickly replied, “but that way Albert will know he’s not being cut out completely and it might give him a chance to get to know Colt better too.” 

“You know, that just might work,” Jason agreed.  “Bert’s not a bad guy, but he doesn’t make friends easily, so I think that’s why he was so afraid that he was losing me as a friend.” 

Colt still didn’t look convinced, as Jason thought about this a little more, before he spoke again. 

“If he had a chance to get to know you better too,” he told Colt, “then maybe we could all be friends and not have any more problems.” 

“Or he could continue to use me as a punching bag when we’re all alone in the woods,” Colt countered. 

“Nah, Leo and I will be there to make sure that doesn’t happen,” Jason assured him.  “Besides, I don’t think Bert’s ready to take you on alone.  He saw that you weren’t afraid of him and he’s had a lot of time to think about it since your run-in on the basketball court.” 

“But how’s that going to work out, with all of us sleeping in the same tent and all?” Colt wondered. 

“I’ll get two tents,” I replied.  “That way we can split you and Bert up.” 

“Yeah, I’ll share a tent with Albert,” Jason offered, “and you can share with Leo.”  

“Ok, I guess I can put up with Bert then, especially if it will put an end to his taking pot shots at me,” Colt announced. 

I think Jason and I were both happy to hear him agree to this idea, but now we had to await Albert’s reply to the invitation.  Jason informed us that he would ask Bert the next time he saw him and then let us know what he said. 

After our little discussion, we spent a quiet evening together watching a movie.  The boys were still a little uncertain about how they should act or what they should do around each other now, so there were more than a few awkward moments before we turned in for the night.  I noticed that Jason slept in the spare bedroom that evening and Colt slept in his own room, but I wasn’t sure whose choice it was.  I only hoped they didn’t feel they had to split up that way, just to spare my feelings.