You & I

#18

Kiss Me, I'm Irish is out for sale now; to read the first story from the collection head on over to my website - https://www.dk-daniels.com/kiss-me-im-irish

In honour of St Patricks Day, Kiss Me, I'm Irish is a collection of 5 short stories all taking place on Paddy's Day. Five different couples; all different ages and helplessly in love, will experience their first kiss on Ireland's most beloved day.

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To: Sherlock

Hey, I know I picked a shitty time to come out I guess. I can't remember what I wrote in the last letter, all I can recall is that I kept saying that I'm not. Man, it felt like the longest weekend in my entire life waiting for a reply from you. I figure I do have a knack for choosing the right time. Thank you. Thank you for not bailing on me or thinking I'm sick. You know the first thing when I came into school this morning, I was greeted to a fight between a couple in the corridor outside my homeroom. Typically, I'd be the type of person to break the fight up but not today. It's hard to explain what I've been feeling for so long that anytime I try to think about it it's numb. I had a lot of time to myself on Saturday and Sunday, and all I thought about was I hope I don't lose the only real friend I have. From the start, you have been nothing but kind to me, and I'm incredibly grateful for that. If you have ever been bullied by people I know, or maybe me, I'm so sorry. I never thought about the repercussions of saying what I said in the letter could be used for blackmail. Except, I'm trusting you are a more stand-up guy than me so I won't mention any more about the matter. Hell, I took your advice, and I didn't wait for you to go to a counselor. I have an appointment for Wednesday, so I'm going to see the school therapist so to speak.

Legitimately I could barely crawl out of bed this morning, but when I got the homeroom, and I checked the mailbox, you have no idea how I felt. It was like I could exhale when I saw your overwhelming sense of acceptance within the first paragraph. I started to tear up in class. By the time I got to the end of the letter, the shortest we have had in a long time might I add, a sense of joy overcame me. It didn't feel like I was juggling the Empire State building on one shoulder and the Burj Khalifa on the other. It was like this blanket of shame was lifted, and I feel now happy, but at the same time I'm still a little sad, but not depressingly sad.

I think I have been battling with myself for a number of years. I can't believe I'm saying all of these things so easily when not only it's hard to admit to myself, but you also know who I am. I guess all along I just wanted someone to understand, and you do… ish. I don't quite understand what it means to be normal, only it seems as if I can breathe easy for now. The rest of my life is still a blur, but I presume I will need to get by.

You are right, I am hard on myself. Do you think anyone else would know by looking at me? Would you know if you didn't know me? Sorry, I'm just rooting for assurance. What makes us so analytical concerning ourselves? Why is it I seek validation from pinpointing out every flaw I have rather than trying to embrace it and adapt or make it work for me. Anytime I chase my insecurities it's like I'm hunting myself with a machete in hand. The only thing I'm doing is carving out a more horrible presumption of who I honestly am. I'm not trying to be self-assured here, but I think I'm an okay person. I mean, I'm not stupid, and I'm good at a lot of things. I don't deliberately hurt, not unless I am trying to defend myself. So, why is it, it only takes one molecule problem to drown out the effects of many great things.

I’m nervous about going to the counselor on Wednesday. I’ve never talked to anyone about my emotions before. Does it make me pathetic? Perhaps does it make me look weak? Will I have to talk about my sexuality to them?

I apologize, I'm fishing for answers, again aren’t I? It’s just… nevermind. I'll play it out, and see how it goes. Yeah, I'll just be brave about the whole situation. Why does it feel like I'm going for a major operation or something? The anticipation is not what I expected it to be… God these last few letters really do leave a lasting impression on my so-called mental stability. I promise, I'm A-OK, and I repeat not, I'm not going to jump off a building or sink myself to the bottom of the nearest bay.

On Saturday I was looking over the old letters you wrote to me. I hope it's not weird, but I kept all your messages. They are safe inside a drawer of my desk in my bedroom. I read all the things you sent to me while I was waiting out the anticipation of what was to come today… Monday. We were like so random and funny. Now things are like serious… talk about a buzz kill. I have a habit of killing the positive energy in the room huh?

I have noticed other guys in a couple different grades who might be gay, but the only person I know in our year… well, my year is him. I guess you could say I have a little crush… oh man, I'm cringing writing this, but I do fancy him just a little bit.

I find I have nothing else to say. I can't lie about it, though I just feel like sharing. You know so much about me, and I don't know anything about you. The only thing I do know is that you play an instrument, you like science, you're smart, thoughtful and funny. Everything else is a blur, I don't know who my best friend is. My other best friend, sure he's there for me but not for something like this. Would it be wrong to say or even suggest that I like you more? I mean I have no secrets left. You know every aspect of my life now, and I don't know anything about you, nothing. Can you tell me something about you, something real, something Sherlock?

Anyway, I have to get going to class, you know to be the normal kid everyone wants me to be.

Later,

Max

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To: Max - aka Watson

I see you’ve changed your alias; a pseudonym is getting old. Unfortunately, I’m not ready to share certain aspects of my life, but I suppose my name is relatively common. So, I reckon I can give you my name. Except I hope this doesn't give away too much information and make you think less of me for being the way I am, and since I have conducted some research I have concluded that there are approximately 27 people in our school with the name Isaac, eight within our year. Therefore, perhaps I will be one of those eight you will encounter now in your day-to-day life. I won't approach you, I'm not that sort of person, remember I'm the Brainiac, I like the puzzles. Maybe if you follow the cheese, I'll leave a trail and possibly you'll find the real Isaac. I can already sense it in my bones; the twinge of panic and excitement. I will rise to my feet and go berserk with crippling nervousness and skedaddle if you look my direction. The real question is how many Isaac's do you know? A clue is a clue, make use of it because I like having you around. Only, most of my life I have been navigating away from attachment because people feel sorry for me, they always do. Sometimes I don't them to.

I am flattered that you think of me that way, friends are hard to come by, many come and go. Who would have thought I'd befriend another guy who is on the other side of the fence as I. Your popular, I'm not, but it goes to show that barriers don't need to exist. We've managed by ourselves, and I am glad that I signed up for the assignment. If you want to know something that is true about me; the reason I put my name down for the pen pal collaboration is that I am lonely. My mom is suffocating and I know she tries her best and I love her, but I don't go outside, I don't make friends. So just once in my life, I needed to talk to someone. When I heard that I didn't need to give my identity, I thought I could be whoever I aspired to be to get the other person to like me on the other side of the letters. Only, I never felt like I needed to do that, you just made me your friend. I have never felt more accepted than I did before then; than I do now. Having a place to belong is gratifying, so I like you back, for taking the time to listen to me. I was so sure that if people know it was me, they'd ask for another partner. Oh, boy was I wrong. I am glad I was.

You and I can agree on one thing for sure, shame, guilt and hoping for more. Does it ever live up to something worthwhile? You see a couple of years ago things changed for me and my life has never been the same. I am confident, insecurities at least, should not be the source of all your troubles. Some people have significant complexities. I am one of them. I'm certainly not much of a story so to speak. My life is pretty dull compared to what it ought to be. People change, just like me.

I will not blackmail you, you have my sincerity in the matter. I have been punished enough to understand that you should never kick another person in the gut while they are at their lowest or most vulnerable.

Max, you make a great companion, you have been open and frank with me. I know I haven't been explicitly clear with my background. Naturally, I retain little material to tell other than subjects within science, movies, and music.

It might sound depressing, it may seem lonely, or you could say I might not be expanding my horizons. However, to me, those are the worlds I live in, and they have kept me here. Witnessing magic unfold in front of your eyes is the greatest gift I know. Humans are a collection of energy; when we put this power to work for good intentions, passion and validation only then do we discover the actual benefits of being alive. It is the simple things we regretfully rebuke; they tied us together. The smile one gives when passing another on a sidewalk walking their dog. How one holds the door open to be pleasant; the other party runs to show gratitude.

When we hear goosebump music, we understand without having to open our mouths. People automatically realize the power of this energy, and that’s what makes a home. Sometimes the missing feeling inside your chest is not that something is missing, but that you lack contentment. A home begins when you grasp the concept of what it is you wish to place in the home. I'd love to have a home built strictly out of chocolate and have a constant milkshake stream run through the living room. Except that would be a house and not home. I use the word home, not in the context you might imagine, but when you think about it, all that energy inside of you has a home and making that home colorful and beautifully gay is what you need to do. I say embrace what it is you feel and don't ever underestimate the urge to cry, be confused with yourself or to just run as you have never run before. Don’t be so hard on yourself. It's good to hear that the weight of the Burj Khalifa and the Empire State has been lifted… I have a question… But how many years of weight training did it take you to raise those buildings because I want in on that superhuman strength? You are strong; you’ll work things out, I just know you will. You seem like the type of person, that when you have a plan, and you know where it is you want to go, you'll go.

I know I beat myself up consistently, but nothing ever stops me from getting out of bed in the morning. I have my troubles sure, and that's a part of me, but I think the real reason I get out of bed each day is to come to school, to see people, to see life. Oddly, it makes me fortunate to see others happy even if I am furious on the inside. So, just relax for the first time in forever; and you'll ace the counselor session on Wednesday.

Anyway, I got to go, my mom sent me a message telling me she is here to pick me up. It's after school hours, but I needed to stay back to do some assignments. That's the lie I told my mom. The real reason is, I just wanted to sit in a room to clear my head. Anything beats the world outside my bedroom, but getting to write to you has made the silent endurance so much more comforting.

Until next time,

Isaac

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Thank you guys for another read, as always there is more to come. Care to share your feedback, then let me know what you think :)  

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