As They Say

Entry 21: I Love Him/ I Love Him Not

This story is set in Ireland my homeland; some uses of words and uses of the words may be unfamiliar to some. I'll try my best to list them all below.

The Den - The Den was a broadcasted children’s channels from 1986-2010.

 

6th June 1991

I hate missing sessions to write. I find I'm itching these days to tell you what’s happening. I must get myself checked out if I keep referring to this book as a person. It can't be healthy… can it. Christ, I have no idea, but hey I guess there could be worse things than talking to a book, then again isn’t that how writers go crazy. They spent too much time talking to the book or themselves… I think I saw that somewhere, or maybe it was reading material… or perhaps I'm starting to get weird from all the writing I'm doing. I know I'm not writing a book or anything, I'm talking about myself. Besides, it feels funny somehow; I never imagined my life would be all that interesting, though six diaries later would suggest otherwise.

Yesterday was an okay day. I bumped into Eli in town with Ross, and we decided to play a little basketball. Later in the evening, it turned into a game of football on the green across from the school. The old folks hate us playing ball there. They say it's destroying the grass, and I'd have to protest and say that the green still looks the same as it always does. Though that's not the reason I'm writing this. I don't want to go on forever because my wrist is a little tired from excessive use today in other leisurely activities if you get my drift. The real reason I'm writing at the moment is that after lunch; and the football game was over we went back to Eli's, and played some more of his video-games. It was okay for the most part, but the Eli and Ross got into a tie or something. What Ross said in the moment must have been taken as an insult to Eli. Because the two boys got a little heated; I wasn't expecting Ross to be mouthy, but he had some crude swearwords in there. I guess I shouldn’t expect him just to sit it out and let Eli walk all over him either, and I don't expect Eli to do the same. At least I broke it up and came home. That goddamn game is so competitive that the people who are playing it get stuck up if someone says something slightly out of context or upsets their buzz. I hope they make up because I don't want them fighting; they are all I really have. So having them battle is not in the best interests of everyone in the group. At least It didn't get physical. Ross left in his moods and went off to sulk. So I just went home and worked on my railcar model.

I’m about to have dinner now; so later I guess - Adam.

7th June 1991

I have never watched The Den for six consecutive hours straight. I did get up early to make it up to Ross though his grandparents, and he wasn't next door. So, instead, I lounged around, for the most part, watching The Den, episode after episode. I watched Scooby Doo and other animated cartoons. Although If I must say I don't think it was as bad as I thought It was. You're never too old for Scooby Doo. I never realised it as a kid, but Shaggy is a stoner. Could the entire TV series be a dream within his mind or something because he's high, that's a funny notion lol? I swear the more I come to realise the absurd jokes adults say are kids things… The more I think are you actually so sure.

After lunch, Ross came home; he was in high-sprits. I heard the car doors closing and as soon as I heard that I didn't wait for him to knock. I left the Tv and went down the driveway. The two of us bumped into each other at the converging point by the blind spot at the end of the two approaches. The two of us did it unexpectedly, but it was all solved with a chuckle. Which reminds me I should turn off the TV when I leave next time. I guess I was determined to see Ross; I forget that I left It on. My mam gave me an ear-full at dinner about it.

Anyway, after we bumped into each other. Ross didn't hesitate on wanting to wrap his arms around me and pulled me into a hug. I felt flattered sure; though all this sudden lovely dovey stuff is weird somehow. I have never felt it before, so I'm not sure how I should feel about it now either. Call me crazy, but it feels weird just having Ross clinging out of me. I mean I've wanted, and I've waited so long for this, but it just feels I don't know… Never mind forget I mentioned it.

After we broke the hug. The two of us smirked at each other. I guess by the time I got to the end of the driveway I didn't know what to do. I had set out to meet him because my brain told me to go see him the minute I heard the doors closing. Then when I got there, I couldn't actually do anything. Finally, Ross said, "what's wrong?" I guess from the way I was looking at him he felt uncomfortable I must've looked dorky.

All along I did not but contemplate is this really happening.  Carl and I don't even hug, and I have known him all my life. I don't know what suddenly changed how I just managed to hook a stranger. But hey at least this time I didn't stand there like a complete idiot. I wrap my hands around him too. His squeeze is not too harsh, not to tight and it’s not too light. I hate people who give hugs, and they don't bother to put any effort into it. Hugging is supposed to be a form of acceptance, love, and appreciation. A hug should never be like a pat on the back. I think there is a fine line between one that is too tight and one that is barely non-existent. Of course, who likes being crushed to death, opposed to not getting a firm enough hug.

I think I must've been in a dreamy mood or dreary at that. There wasn't anything on my mind. I was just distracted, I hope Ross notices how beautiful he is. So, I said, “nothing… I’m just… I'm happy I got to hug you." Of all the things I possibly could've said why did I mention that. When I look at it now, I was presumably bashful. Perhaps a beetroot red, followed by my heart palpitating in my chest with vision obscured. I could hear ringing in my ears, my dick beginning to harden. If this what love is/was then I'm not sure if I want it. It so confusing; on top of that, I have had boners popping every thirty or so seconds. I know that it's supposed to be normal when you like someone... well a girl. But this feels weird because instead of it being a girl its a boy. It's confusing me something awful. How many times does this have to go on? At one moment I'd like to go back to being friends, the other I'd like to be his boyfriend no getting around that. It feels like my head is being tackled by bulldozers on either side of it. It's like they're applying pressure to each side of my temples and they are trying there hardest to cave me in. On top of that, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I know I've wanted ever since I saw him. Ross is totally awesome, but if I had him all to myself, I'm not sure what I'd do with him, to be honest.

I taught the first time I introduced Ross to my model railcar that that would be the last. Today he asked if he could help me with the railcar model. I was chuffed, I mean it's not every day someone asks to help me with it. So, I let him help me with it. I gave him a part to do that was further up the track that I hadn't gotten to yet. I don’t want to sound moaney, but Ross can’t cut for shit. I gave him the simple chore of moulding the foam; an easy task right... Well, I think I did anyway. Carl can do it no problem he just goes away doing his own thing. You hardly get a word out of Carl when he's doing it, and do be content doing my job.

All through it Ross never shut up once. Not that I necessarily wanted him to shut up, but God he does talk a lot. I guess I'm just not used to people talking when I'm doing my railcar model.  So yeah, Ross costed me money. The piece of foam that he was working on is fucked. I didn't want to hurt his feelings or tell him that it was shit. I don't think I'd be able to forgive myself if I did that. So, I just put the part into the Railcar model. I thought that if I said it was horrible or something he'd be offended by me. That now means I have to build the rail track higher when I get to that bend. I didn't plan on making a small trestle bridge. Though now it seems like that that is the only solution. I know it sounds horrible, but maybe I'll swap it out when he goes.  Carl will take one look at that, and he'll say ‘what happened.' Then he'll say ‘did you fall asleep with the scalpel in your hand.' I shouldn't be so harsh about it, he did try his best; I guess that's the least I should come to accept. Yeah, I think it should stay, I'll let him add some texture to it, perhaps some character will fix the ugliness.

Well, that was my day, short and sweet but I guess it was okay for the most part. Anyway night – Adam.

9th June 1991

Alright… Alright, calm down.  I'm sorry I didn't check in with you yesterday. If you absolutely must know; all that happened yesterday- was Ross adding the texture to the mould he carved out and Carl stopping by to see if I wanted to meet up with Eli. When I told him that I didn't want to see Eli he asked why, and when I said to Carl that Ross and Eli had a heated moment. Moreover, Carl looked at Ross, then back to me. He wasn't sure if I was telling the truth or not, but when Ross nodded his head, Carl laughed. He said, "really… Awh shit- what did I miss.” And as seeing that I didn't find it in any way amusing, I kind of tore into Carl. I mean why would he find it so funny; I didn't see a funny side to it. Ross didn't find it funny. So why should he find a funny?  Afterwards, I felt bad for doing it, so after Ross left, I went over to Carl and apologised. He accepted my apology; which brings me to the conclusion that I need to get the Eli and Ross talking again. If I can do that over the next coming days than it should be okay. Let's just hope nothing else happens... sigh. I'll check in soon – Adam.

10th June 1991

Fantastic, awesome, exuberant, extraordinary news. I sat watching the rain from my bedroom window all day. Okay, I'll be honest nothing about it was excellent in the slightest way. I've never been so bored in all my life; I should've accepted my mam's invitation to help her around the house cleaning. At least It would've broken up my day a little bit, but then again, I was a bit too stubborn to do that. I didn't want to help her because: why would I help her. It's the middle of summer, who wants to help their mam clean. Though it probably would've broken the monotony of the dreaded dreary day.

Sure, I had Ross to keep me company for a little bit, but there is only so many times you can play cards, dominoes, and watch TV.  I wished all day that it would stop, though it didn't. Nothing life altering happened today. Sure, Ross and I held hands again in the privacy of my bedroom. I guess I was as nervous as he was because when I asked, he stuttered on his words, but it was so cute.

His hand reached for my hand before he even got the chance to say anything. Not that he needed to say anything. He could've just slid his hand into my hand. Weirdly, we were holding hands for about ten minutes; it was terrific, and his hand was hot. Mine where cold, that's all I can remember about that. After a while, we started comparing the size of our hands against each other. My hands are slightly bigger than Ross's, so I won that contest. We began having some weird competitions between each other: like who could put their leg over their head. Or who could lick their elbow: that kind of strange things. I found out that Ross is very flexible, though however on a flexible note, I think I pulled something in my back. I should be okay by tomorrow. I'm going to try and get some sleep but let's hope it's not raining tomorrow – Night Adam.

12th June 1991

Right well, I'm still in the same predicament as I was a day ago. I just realised I missed yesterday, shit.  I hate missing days, it feels like a part of me is forgotten or something. Anyway, nothing cool happened anyway so let's just skip it and move on. Today, however, I went over to Eli; he seemed majorly happy to see me. I wasn't extraordinarily that happy to see him, but I wanted to smooth things over.  So, I asked him, and he actually came with me to meet up with Ross, and he apologised. It was a lot easier than I thought it was going to be. Genuinely, I felt that they would not relent as quickly, or at least have a go at each other. But no... they just shook hands and were cool.

I had chicken curry today; ummm… It’s so delicious. I wish I could have it every day, but then again I suppose it's not good too. I'm not sure why I wrote that but scratch it can't rub it out now. Food is just... Can you deny how gorgeous food is? I’d ask you what the hell are you smoking if you didn’t love pizza. Other than that, I guess that’s all that happened.  I am happy that the two boys are talking again; maybe we can go somewhere tomorrow. Like all of us as a group. We could go swimming again if the day is okay.

13th June 1991

Well, today was indeed interesting… Very interesting. But let's first get the mundane stuff out of the way. So, I met up with the guys, and we all went swimming. Though this time around everyone kept their shorts on. I guess that made Ross feel more at ease. At least Ross and Eli were both getting on.

Eli reminded me that his birthday was coming up and he asked if I wanted to come along, and get this he invited Ross. I guess that was the clear indication that the two of them have moved on. So of course, I said yes, and now I'm stuck with having to buy a present. Not that I wasn't going to turn up to his birthday party without one. What sort of friend would I be if I didn't turn up? A pretty lousy one I imagine. Oh, and yes I suppose I'd have to buy a present.

So, here's where the fun begins. When I got home, it was just Ross and me. My parents were busy cooking dinner. I decided to go up to my room with Ross. If it were a girl, my mam would've told me to leave the door open.  Figuring Ross is a boy, I closed the door.

So, Ross and I are going through an old photo album of my family. He asked me weirdly that he wanted to see what I looked like when I was younger. And of course, I obliged him. I went digging for the family album. Every picture I turned over with me in it, he kept saying I was cute. Did I write that correctly; he thinks I'm cute. Well at least I was cute, but yeah it was just a real eye-opener for me you know. I kept getting butterflies in my stomach, and occasionally I got an erection. Which doesn't seem to be anything new.? As I turned the pages, Ross just glanced at me from the side. I could see it because he was staring at me from the corner of my eye.

As I was explaining one of the pictures to him he just lightly leaned in and kissed me on the cheek. I felt his nose brush up against my cheek to as he did it. I felt so nervous; I just stopped turning the pages, and I looked directly ahead. Then he did it again, only this time it was more deliberate and soft. It was like all my senses had come to life. I could feel how cushy the bed was, and my heart was gallivanting in my chest. Then I leaned into him too, and I kissed him on the mouth. Then he kissed back harder than we started laying into each other. It was weird at first. I wasn't too sure whether I was supposed to lean my head to one side or the other, but he was confident. Ross seemed to know what he was doing, either that or he's natural. Maybe it was just a run-of-the-mill; perhaps it was just common sense. One of us had to turn the other way.

Nonetheless, our two mouths churned into each other, and we got a little sloppy. His lips were kissing my mouth, but not actually on my mouth if that makes sense. I can explain it; but it was so wet, he was missing my lips. It was like a washing machine. When I asked to stop for a second, he just smiled nervously at me, and I wiped my lips. Then I went back in for a second kiss. This time it was a little bit more controlled, and I was doing most of the work. I was kissing him more than he was kissing me. I think I stuck my tongue in his mouth, I'm not sure, but I think his tongue, brushed up with mine. It's feasible that's what's supposed to happen, I wasn't intentionally trying to do it.

However, after about a minute or two I forgot how to breathe. The two of us started to caress each other. I clasped my hands on each of his hips, and his hands were on my shoulders. I have no idea where it came from, the two of us were making out like full on.  I had a straining boner in my tracksuit bottoms; I was afraid that if I moved the wrong way it would be very noticeable. Though I forgot the book was still on my lap, and when I turned to savour the moment and favour the tension in my back, the book fell off and hit the ground. The two of us got a fright. A moment later my mam called up to see what was that that I dropped.

After all that we sort of lost the momentum that we had built up to be able to continue, so yes that was that. It's quite cool; I've never experienced anything like that before. I'm not sure how I liked it, but I know I liked it or at least I believe I did. I think I want to do it again. If Ross lets me do it again, I might do it again. Anyway later – Adam.

The End Of Entry 21