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In honour of St Patricks Day, Kiss Me, I'm Irish is a collection of 5 short stories all taking place on Paddy's Day. Five different couples; all different ages and helplessly in love, will experience their first kiss on Ireland's most beloved day.
I’m not sure what I am meant to say to your last letter… Look I'm not gay okay. It's not my fault I notice the little things other people do. Don't... I'm okay. To be clear, I'm not gay. I'm not.
You don't ask a person how to do things; you just notice them if you look for them. It's sick I know. I've tried everything to make the thoughts stop. Except, every time I try they never go away. They are in the back of my head like crickets on a warm night in July. You can't do anything about it. All I can do is listen to the humming. No matter how hard I try to stop the buzzing inside my brain, it never goes away. I'm not gay. You can't tell anyone, okay. Please don't tell a soul. I want it to go away. I even think about if I can't make it leave. I assume that if I disappear maybe, then I wouldn't have to deal with it. I didn't want to be this way. Why would God be so cruel, I've never done anything to deserve this. It makes me feel ugly, like a freak locked in a cage in a circus or a steaming pile of dog shit.
When I was younger, I held the impression I could rid myself of my feelings. I even got sick thinking about it. I tried everything to make the horrible feeling that I was welcoming about my friends to go away. I tried scrubbing my junk with a scouring pad to stop me getting erections. Instead, I ended up at the hospital, but the thing that made me this way was still inside me. I don't want to be this way. I just want to be normal. I want to be able to like girls, tell them how pretty they are, kiss them, have sex with them, start a family and have kids. Though, I can't, I don't feel anything towards girls. I do know how to fix myself.
Sometimes I think like I can't breathe, suffocating, and I can tell no one. I don't want to tell anyone, it makes me ill. Only, when I see Justin, it makes me wish I could be like that. How does he do it? How can the guy be so happy, fearless and confident without feeling sick? I think the reason my dad treats me coldly is that deep down he might know. I don't want to be one of those kids on the street who is pointed at being called a faggot.
Last summer, I had my first girlfriend. Do you know Zoe on the cheerleading squad, well, we were a thing? For a while anyway, until Zoe figured something wasn't right. I wasn't trying to blow her off or anything, and I did work really hard to make myself like her.
I wasn't doing it to make my dad happy or my friends, I was attempting to prove to myself to like it. I wanted to be a standup guy. I walked her to school, carried her backpack, opened every door for her, made her smile and laugh, but now when I think about it, I was never smiling. I think things went a little sour when Zoe and I had our first kiss.
Every Fourth of July my family throws a huge barbecue party in our backyard. All night I was trying to gather up the courage to kiss her. I won't lie I was nervous, and I did genuinely want to kiss her. Except, something always held me back, I couldn't bring myself to do it, and that is until it was almost home time, and I walked her out onto my front porch.
While we waited for her mother to drop by, we sat on the porch swing and talked a little. It was then I got the impression Zoe knew I wanted to kiss her, and she wanted me to kiss her. In all of the craziest moments, I could come up with I decided to just go for it.
I turned to face her and said, "all right, I'll just go for it."
There it was, my first kiss in the entire world, and it wasn't as bad as I expected it to be, but I didn't feel anything. Chloe got all bashful and when her mother arrived she practically fell down the steps of the porch and climbed into the front seat of her mom's SUV.
A month later, Chloe and I were alone in her house since the parents had to attend some charity function. Therefore, I decided I'd stay at her place until her folks got back. I didn't have any malice intentions, though Chloe hinted toward me that she wanted to go further with our relationship.
Most boys would be thrilled by the prospect of having sex, but I couldn't enjoy it. I didn't want to be humiliated for not being able to do it; so all throughout the act, I thought of boys… I imagined Zoe was another guy while she gave me a blowjob until it happened.
Except, I don't think it fooled Zoe. She could sense something was off, she even asked me a couple times when we were doing it.
The question was always, "do you like it?"
Can you imagine if she said to the girl-friends that I wasn't good at sex, that would be so bad? So, I had to try. After the night Zoe did you know… She broke up with me two weeks later. In a way I was glad. Except, in another way, it wasn't because more girls were interested. When she gave the offer at first, I talked maybe this could be it, maybe Zoe can change me back. Although, I seemed to take a lot longer than it ought to do. After the moment, I started to realize that maybe I'm never going to change. It's like I'm being someone different every time I meet a new person. I'm starting to forget what identity I have created when I bump into these other people. I think it's gotten to a point, I don't even know who Max is anymore. One reason why I thought Alaska would be a cool place to go is that I can live out there and nobody will ever know me. My dirty secret and I will be hidden away forever, and I'll never have to share it with anyone.
Except, I've shared a lot of secrets with you now. I don't know what makes you so easy to talk to, but it feels good getting this off my chest. Please… Don't tell anyone… It will ruin me.
I'm sorry this letter is not long. Besides, I don't really have anything worth saying. I am eager to receive your message, that is if you don't decide to think I'm sick or something.
Relax okay, I'm not going to tell anybody. I mean, I can't believe I'm right. Usually, I am the type of person to excel academically, but miss the par when it comes to humans. I promise my lips are sealed and nobody will know what we have talked about. I don't identify with how it feels to be gay, or what I should say to try and make things better. Except, I am inclined to say there is nothing wrong with you. You are just sailing in an entirely different vessel compared to my identity. Are sure it's not a phase? I don't… I hope this does not sound corny or offensive or anything. How do you know it's not a phase? I hear some people can experience short spans in their lifetimes when something happens to be true, then there comes a day when all the truth in that matter turns to dust. Soon what once was turns to speckles in the past and all that is left is little squiggles floating in the air. First, I’m going to say something incredibly corny… you’re not sick. You are just abnormal; like wonderfully normal like the abominable snowman which is incredibly abnormal, but beautifully normal.
I'm kidding, of course, you are still the awesome person I got to know. So, I don't think whether you're gay, bisexual, pansexual, asexual, demi-sexual, biromantic, Klingon-sexual or Ulysses himself then I don't care. All I care about is the person I've been talking to, not the label attached. If it's any recollection to ease your mind, I'm straight… there everything is out in the open now. As long as you don't start calling me bruh, I think we should be fine.
I think a deep part of you is trying to tell yourself that you are what you are and there is no changing it. You must first learn to love at home, that home being yourself must come first before you can begin to accept the idea for others. I just want to say even with the news, nothing will ever change between us, well, I hope not; you are still the fast runner I know in school, and pretty talented guy. I have seen you playing football before, and you are pretty quick. Except, I understand why you want to put the lacrosse down for a while along with football. I suppose you probably had that dream to be one day on the Super Bowl, playing on a field and adored by millions. Just, the only person you should seek validation from is yourself, the rest will follow. Perhaps try not to overwork your brain anymore and stop cooking it on high heat. Let things be, and I'm assuming things will begin to work out. I think there's enough material in your life for your very own TV melodrama… I'm teasing of course. Nonetheless, who could have predicted the life of a popular high school student could be so complicated and diverse. From the way you describe it seems you have been protecting this particular part of yourself for so long that you almost wish it weren't true.
I reckon my conclusion about the only other gay kid in school is correct. You do to have a crush on that boy, perhaps when things begin to turn in your favor, and you're more comfortable with yourself, maybe you can work up to asking him out. Yeah, I can see how you mean it is weird to talk about another guy like this. You know, whatever it is you have to do to ask the guy out, you should definitely ask him out if you fancy him or someone you do like, I mean. I’m sorry, I’m jumping to conclusions. You see I’ve never had a gay friend before so it’s like totally cool to have one and, I don’t know it’s like I want to be a fountain of knowledge for my gay compadre. No idea why I am talking like this now.
As far as Zoe on the cheerleading squad goes… no. Perhaps it is highly likely for you to know the girls who sing and flaunt to a crowd before every game, but I just look at the girls. I do not fit in the social circle, nor do I have the luxury to be in the company of pretty girls. Sometimes I do be too preoccupied looking at the girls to understand what their names are. I reckon at the time I am a little absent minded in that regard as I am a nerd of sorts. I guess I am the guy who drools when he sees a hot chick in denim shorts and a plaid shirt. Just to put it out there for the future. I hope you can trust me enough to feel like you can tell me anything. I won't judge. I think you are awesome. Okay. Plus, if there is something you wish to know about me, don't be afraid to ask. I am open to discussion.
Anyway, I better go, I’ll catch up with you at a later time.
Until next time,
Thank you guys for another read, as always there is more to come. Care to share your feedback, then let me know what you think
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