Goodbye Angel

For just under four months now, I've been silently beating myself up for having failed my cat Angel. I felt that I had failed her in some way for not doing enough, for not giving her a good enough life, for failing to get her healthy, and for failing in the end in choosing to have her euthanized. But something occurred to me...

I chose to hold Angel for a good hour before the veterinarian came in to give her those last two shots that would give her rest. I didn't opt to put her down when this was being done either. She settled into her spot in my arms, her paws on my right arm just like she had always done at home when I'd come to bring her into the room for treats, medication time, or bedtime. My roommate gave her a couple of treats as we said our goodbyes but, she never budged from that spot.

I've watched a few videos of people having their pets put to sleep. I've been present when a friend had his cat euthanized in his home. In every instance, I saw that last breath being taken. I've watched as the body finally relaxed. There was a moment when life's tensions just got released and you could witness that event, and remember it, even identify it as the moment when peace was finally being achieved.

So what? Right?

I realized today the meaning of something that I had been caught off guard that night over but think I understand now, and it's comforting in a way. There was no moment after those injections were given that I felt Angel 'relax'. I waited for it. I scratched under her chin and told her it was okay to go to sleep and not until I noticed that the vet was going for his stethoscope to listen for her heartbeat did I realize that she may have been gone already. "She's gone. I'll give you some time to be alone." ...wait, what? 

Why is this important?

When Angel was brought into the room where the procedure was going to be performed, I held her. Just the way she pushed for whenever she needed or wanted my attention. She may have been feeling some discomfort but, because I was holding her it was going to be okay. She relaxed. She was where she wanted to be. So when the time came, I didn't feel her tension leave her, because it already had. I didn't fail her and she showed me that on that last day. Very much the opposite. I wanted her to have the best life she could for whatever time she had left, and I accomplished just that. Because I worked so hard to make that happen, she loved and trusted me so much that just holding her eased her tension in life. Enough so, that I couldn't see life's tensions release their grip on her when that time came.

I still miss my furry Mooch, but I don't wonder if she loved me as much as I love her anymore. I know I didn't fail in showing her that she was loved and I know that she understood. She showed me in one of the most profound ways imaginable. It just took me a while to understand it.