Kerry

I awoke the next morning to a strange sensation. Kerry had crawled under the covers and was lying with his head on my stomach and had his hand on my upper thigh near a very sensitive area.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Just keeping an eye on you," he replied playfully. "Good morning. I thought you were never going to wake up."

"Good morning. If I had known I was putting on a show, I would have."

"In that case, I'm glad you didn't."

"Why, you little...." I said playfully, as I began to tickle him. He giggled and thrashed about, trying to get away from me. After only a few seconds, I stopped, but his giggling didn't. "You know what?"

"What?"

"I think I love you more this morning than I did last night. How do you suppose that happened?"

"I don't know, but it happened to me, too."

"Maybe we've found the way to love each other."

"Maybe, just as long as we are together."

"Well, with any luck, we should hear something about that today. Right now, I need to get up."

"Spoilsport!"

I got up and tended to business in the bathroom, then started to get dressed. Kerry eyed me from under the covers. He had the cutest smile on his face, and he obviously wanted to say something, but didn't. 

"What would you like for breakfast this morning, Kerry?"

"You."

"Oh, come on. Who wound you up so early in the morning?"

"You."

I sat down on the side of the bed and took his hand in mine. "Kerry, I hope you know that I love you very much, and I am almost putty in your hands when you ask me for something you need or want. I don't want you to think I don't want to be affectionate with you, because believe me I do. I would like nothing better than to hold you all day long and just love you and cuddle with you until the cows come home. But I am just concerned that you may be getting the wrong idea. After all, we met each other less than two days ago, and we have been sleeping together all this time. As I told you before, fathers and sons don't love each other with sex, and I am afraid that if we do, the day will come when you hate me for it. I don't think I could take that."

"I could never hate you, Dad. We haven't had sex, not because I didn't want to, but because you didn't. Everything we have done so far, we have both wanted and both enjoyed. That isn't wrong, Dad, it's love for the most wonderful man I ever knew. I like it when we hold each other and kiss each other and cuddle with each other. Somehow I think that before long, that isn't going to express as much love as I want to show to you, but that will be then. This is now. I love you so much, Daddy, and even if it turns out that I can't live with you, I'll still be around you every minute I can. They won't be able to keep me away from you. I love you that much and more."

"You have no idea how good that makes me feel, Kerry. I want you to have as much of what you want as I am capable of giving you, but like I said, I am just not ready for sex with you now, and I need you to understand that I will never be. Grown men don't love little boys like that. I know there are cases in which men and boys have sex, but I don't see any of that as love. I'll concede that it may be in a very few cases, but in most cases it's lust and exploitation, not love. I want to be your dad, and I want to be the best one I can for you, but I am not and don't want to be your lover. "

"Dad, you've said before that you aren't comfortable with the idea of our having sex, so I am not going to suggest it anymore. The most important thing is, I just want us to be together, and I don't want there to be any question between us about how we feel about each other. I would enjoy doing things with you, and I can tell you would enjoy them, too, but if you would rather just cuddle, I am good at that."

"I know you are," I answered, and I got back under the covers with him. He immediately put his arms around me and nuzzled his face into my neck and shoulder. I held him close to me and rubbed his back as I kissed his forehead. He sighed several times over the next few minutes, and I asked him if anything was wrong.

"Are you disappointed with me?" he asked.

"Of course not. Why would you ask that?"

"Well, it seems like you are always saying that I am asking for something that is wrong, or that you don't feel comfortable about. Don't you love me enough to have sex with me?"

"Yes, Kerry, I certainly do. I just don't think it would be the right thing to do. Kerry, I don't want you to ever think that I am disappointed with you. You are the most wonderful thing that has happened to me in a long time, and I just don't want anything to mess that up. And it certainly isn't that I don't love you enough to have sex with you. Believe me, I love you plenty enough to do almost anything you could ask of me. But I have heard of kids who had sex with an older person, and sometimes they liked it while it was going on, but when they grew older they came to regard it as wrong, and they had problems because of it. Some claimed that their lives were ruined, or they turned to alcohol or drugs, and they almost always hated the man who had sex with them. I don't want that to happen to you, and I don't want that to happen to us. Because of that, you need to understand that while I love you more than enough to have sex with you, I also love you enough NOT to have sex with you. I want what is best for you, and that overrides everything. I am not the most eloquent man when it comes to explaining how I feel about someone, especially someone as special as you are to me. If I gave you the impression that I was disappointed in you, or that I was trying to pull back from you, I am very sorry. I don't want you to ever think that." I held him tight and gave him a long, gentle kiss.

"Dad, I didn't know they made men like you. Please don't ever leave me." He snuggled up against me again and sobbed quietly. I just held him. I didn't realize how long we had been lying there together until the phone rang and brought me somewhat back to reality.

"Hello," I answered.

"Hello, Mike. This is Doyle Matthews."

"Oh, good morning, Doyle. What's up?"

"I just thought you would like to know that I have just returned from Judge Martinson's chambers. To make a long story short, Ms. Adams from the child welfare office and the judge have worked together and came up with a good way of handling this situation. As of now, Kerry has been officially placed as a foster child in your custody. The county child welfare office is aware of the legal proceedings we are starting, and will therefore not be seeking any more permanent placement at this time. Would you like me to have my assistant bring you a copy of the decree, or would you prefer to pick it up in my office later today?"

"If it's all right with you, I would like to pick it up. I don't think Kerry or I are going to believe it until we actually see it in black and white, and the sooner the better. I think we can be there in about an hour, if that's okay.

"Fine. I'll tell my secretary to expect you. If you are going to be here that soon, I will tell her to try and have our petition for managing conservatorship ready for your signature when you get here. One hour may be too soon for that, though, so we can take care of that a little later."

"Oh, no. I don't want to rush you or your office - this is too important. You tell me what time would be most convenient, and I will be there."

"Well, any time is convenient for me and my staff, so don't worry about that, but we can have more done by, say, 4:00 p.m. this afternoon. That will give my assistant time to contact Kerry's stepfather and get his signature, and if you can sign the petition at 4:00 p.m., we may even get it couriered to the court before the end of the day. Since this is Friday, they won't even start on it until next week, but at least we will know it's there and in the pipeline."

"Okay, I'll plan to be in your office at 4:00 p.m., but if you get everything ready before then, give me a call and I will be in earlier."

"Sounds like a plan. This is the kind of case my office staff just loves to handle, so don't be surprised if you get a call later on today."

"Great. Be sure to thank your staff for me - it's nice to know I have good people on my side."

"It is all our pleasure to be on your side in this, Mike, but I'll convey your thanks to them, and I'll see you no later than 4:00 this afternoon. Good-bye for now."

"Good-bye, and thanks again."

Kerry looked at me quizzically. "Well, Kerry, I am afraid I have some bad news," I said.

"What?" He looked worried.

"It looks like you are stuck with me for a while."

"Oh, you," he said, as he attacked me, trying to tickle me wherever he could.

"Hey, you are the ticklish one, not me," I said, as I turned the tables on him. His giggling had us both laughing out loud before long, but at least it got him out of bed. Also, surprisingly, he got his clothes on before I did.

After a light brunch (it was too late for breakfast, and too early for lunch), I showed Kerry around the house for the first time. He learned how to operate the washer, dryer, trash compactor, dishwasher, stereo and theatre system, lawn sprinkler system, security system, and pool equipment. He saw where I kept all the cleaning supplies, pool chemicals, gardening supplies, bed linens, towels, and wash cloths, as well as the kitchen towels. He saw the workshop in the garage, and where all the power tools were kept, but he agreed he would never touch them unless I was there to oversee him. I showed him my office, where I kept my computer and my music library. When he had seen everything there was to see in the house, it was almost 3:30.

"Time to leave," I said.

"Where are we going?"

"To sign some papers, that is, if I decide I want to keep you."

"Do you?"

"Need you ask?"

"Not really"

"Then why did you?"

"I didn't."

"Want me to play it back for you?"

"Quit it, Dad. Let's go."

We got to Doyle's office a little bit before 4:00, and his secretary appeared to know just who we were. She directed us to have a seat in a conference room, where Doyle would join us in a few minutes. She indicated that the petition was not quite ready, but would be ready before we left.

Doyle came into the conference room about ten minutes later. He had a look of concern on his face, but he put a file folder on the table and started discussing the provisions of the court order. He suggested that I start immediately getting Kerry enrolled in the elementary school in my neighborhood, since school would be starting very soon. He also suggested that if I had any concerns about Kerry's health, that I get him set up with a physician before school started. At my request, he called the principal of the school Kerry had attended last year and arranged to have his records sent to his new school, and then called the principal of the new school and informed him of the proceedings we were planning. During the discussion, his secretary came in with some papers and sat down at the table with us.

Doyle got the papers from his secretary. "Mike, this is our petition to have you declared Kerry's managing conservator. My assistant got Kerry's stepfather's consent to it earlier today, and after you sign, we will forward it to the court. Since the temporary custody order was given by Judge Martinson, I am assuming that this case will be heard in his court as well, but that's not definite. Judge Sunderland has apparently spoken to him about the case, and although I don't know exactly what was discussed, I believe that since he has expressed an interest in the case, Judge Martinson will try to expedite it. If that is true, then I don't believe the court will require a guardian ad litem for Kerry or a home evaluation from the child welfare office, but you should be prepared for either or both. I'll keep you apprised of any developments as I hear of them, but barring any unforeseen difficulties, I would guess this case would be heard in about three months, give or take a couple of weeks. For right now, I just need your signature here on all copies."

I signed the forms without hesitation. I looked at Kerry, and he had the brightest smile I had seen on him.

Doyle continued, "As I told you earlier, we will begin with this petition for managing conservatorship. From what I have seen so far, I would say it will probably be granted, but I can't make any guarantees. If it is, then after one year, assuming you are still agreeable, we will begin adoption proceedings. Does that sound like what you want?"

"Doyle, I am no lawyer, and I really don't know the best way to handle this. I trust your judgment, and if that is what you recommend, then that is what we will do."

"I appreciate the confidence, Mike, but you need to understand what we are doing and be comfortable with it. Basically, managing conservatorship grants you full legal and physical custody of Kerry, with all the rights, responsibilities, powers, and duties of a parent, while not terminating the parental rights of the biological parents, until he reaches the age of 18 or graduates high school. Since there are no living biological parents in this case, there are rights maintained by other relatives, specifically Kerry's stepfather and his great aunt, which will remain in force throughout the conservatorship, but unless they express an interest in visitation rights or rights of access to educational or medical information, there should be no problem. Even if they do, your rights and powers would generally take precedence. That means that any visitation would have to be at your convenience, and while they would have access to his educational and medical records, and they would have the right to voice their opinion or offer advice, they could not overrule any decisions you make as managing conservator. Is that clear enough?"

"I think I understand. But if I have custody, plus all those rights and powers, why would I need to pursue adoption after a year?"

"Whether you do or not is up to you. But with adoption, all rights of the biological family would be terminated, and Kerry's surname would be changed to Newman. From a legal standpoint, Kerry would be your son, and you would be his father, in all respects. It would be entirely up to you whether or not any of his biological family members would ever see him or know his whereabouts. Since Kerry is old enough to understand a good part of what is going on, I would suggest that you first become his managing conservator, and use at least a year of conservatorship to get to know each other better and discuss the situation with him. Find out exactly what he wants, and come to terms with exactly what you want. And while I know this is not a concern now, I have seen cases in which it became an issue - find out for sure if the two of you really want to be father and son. Find out if there is enough lasting love and respect between you for a successful and lasting relationship. Based on what you find, you may or may not want to pursue adoption. That will be up to you."

"If it were up to me, I would adopt Kerry right now."

"I know, Mike, and that is an option that I, as your attorney, will pursue if you, as my client, want me to. But you need to know that adoption takes much longer because the requirements are so much more stringent. There definitely would be home evaluations, psychological evaluations of you both, extensive checks of your background, and that sort of thing. Getting managing conservatorship is usually much easier and much faster. And as I said, I have seen cases where things don't turn out as well as they should. I know you love Kerry, and he loves you, but you have known each other less than a week. It takes nine months to have a newborn baby, and in that case you have the opportunity to mold him according to your own values. Here you have a boy who has already formed a large part of his personality, and face it, you haven't had nearly enough time to find out all you need to know about it. Both of you please understand that I am not trying to imply that your feelings for each other are not valid, and I wish you both the best. I am merely trying to point out that adoption is just what it is intended to be - permanent - and I really do believe that you both need some more time to be sure that it is right for both of you. Also, the adoption proceedings are usually much easier if you can show that you have demonstrated your parental abilities as managing conservator, and there have been no major problems or unexpected difficulties that you couldn't handle. However, the final decision is yours, Mike, and I will proceed as you want me to."

"Well, I said before that I trusted your judgment, and that still goes. If managing conservatorship can be gotten faster right now, that seems to be the way to go. It accomplishes most of what we both want, and it does it faster, plus makes the ultimate adoption easier. Is that a fair assessment?"

"That's exactly what I said."

"Kerry, what do you think?"

"If it means I get to stay with you, let's do it!"

"There's your answer, Doyle. Anything you need from me, just let me know. Please keep me posted."

"I will. Mike, since this is a special case in more ways than one, I don't intend to charge you my usual fees. However, I will need a check from you for $1000.00 within the next few days. This will cover the initial expenses in getting the case into court. There will probably be further charges later on, but I will try to hold them to a minimum."

"Doyle, don't worry about the money. I'll write your $1000.00 check right now. You are getting me a son - the least I can do is pay you a fair amount. I appreciate the gesture, but I don't really need a discount."

"No, I am all right with it, and the discount will be given. That is my contribution to Kerry."

Kerry and I both thanked him. 

I gave the check to Doyle's secretary, and Kerry and I went to see a movie, after we had a good dinner at my favorite restaurant. I found myself staring at Kerry's beautiful blue eyes all through dinner, in large part because he was also staring into mine. As he had said last night in bed, there was so much love between us that I felt like I could reach out and touch it.

When we got into bed that night, and I felt his body press against me, I knew that I was touching it.