A Friendship Lost and Found

I first met Gavin before our parents enrolled us in kindergarten.   It happened one day when I was four years old and my mom decided to take me to the park so I could play on the playground equipment.  He was there when we arrived and shyly we said “hi” to one another as we took turns climbing up the ladder on the slide so we could enjoy the exhilarating thrill of going down it.   After we did that a few times, he spoke again. 

“What’s your name?”

“Tristan.”

“Christian?”

“No, Tristan.  My name starts with a T like the word toy.”  I’d learned that in preschool.

“Oh, ok.  I’m Gavin.”

Now that we knew each other’s name, we went down the slide a few more times before going over to ride the animals that were mounted on heavy-duty springs.  Gavin hopped on the green alligator while I got on the purple crocodile.  At my suggestion, we then pretended they were dragons and we were flying around on their backs and directing them to breathe fire on the army we were fighting. 

“That was fun,” Gavin said when we grew tired of doing it.  “Do you want to go on the swings now?”

“Yeah, but we have to get somebody to push us.”

“We can take turns pushing each other.”

“Ok, then let’s do that.”

We alternated pushing one another on the swings for a while, but eventually we started looking around to see what else there was to do.  That’s when we spotted a large, colorful structure that was located about 100 feet (30.5 m) away from where we were playing.  After talking it over, we agreed to investigate that anomaly next.  There was a patch of grass between where we were playing and the colorful structure, so we walked across the open expanse to get there. 

After arriving at the unexplored curiosity, we soon discovered it was a self-contained world of wonder that offered several different areas for us to explore and enjoy.  This included three separate platforms with a roof over each one, and they were all built at different heights off of the ground. 

“What do you think those are for?” Gavin asked while indicating the platforms. 

“I guess they can be anything we want,” I replied as we looked at the three areas that could best be described as small gazebos on stilts.  I also realized they offered a myriad of possibilities.  “We can make believe they’re the towers on a castle that’s bein’ charged.”

“Yeah, that’s a good idea, or they can be the lookout towers on an old log fort that’s bein’ attacked by Indians.”

“Or they can be different parts of a ship that we’re on as its bein’ raided by pirates.”

 

“Yeah, let’s go check them out.” 

There were two ways to get up to the lowest platform and you could either climb up a short ladder or walk up a narrow flight of stairs.   As soon as we were on it, we noticed there was a bridge with a slight arch in the center that we could walk across to get to the next highest platform.  Once we were on that one, we discovered there was an enclosed tube that we could go through to get to the final platform, the one that was the highest off the ground.  As we were going through the tube, I felt like a hamster going through the tubes in its cage, because I’d seen the hamster at my preschool doing that before. 

We also learned that each of the platforms had its own slide that we could use for a quick and easy way to get down from the various platforms.  The lowest one had a straight slide, like the slide we were on earlier, although it wasn’t quite as long, while the middle platform had a slide where the middle was completely enclosed.  We couldn’t see anything while we were going through that section, and no one could see us either, so it was kind of spooky, but fun at the same time.  The highest platform had a spiral slide that looped around a couple of times before it reached the ground.  Gavin and I had a blast playing there. 

We didn’t notice that while we were having a great time playing together, our moms were talking to each other as they kept an eye on us.  After seeing how well we were getting along and how much fun we were having, they agreed to set up play dates for us to get together.  This worked out great and Gavin and I soon became really good friends.  Since we also lived fairly close to one another, our moms didn’t mind taking us back and forth so we could spend lots of time together.   

When we eventually ended up going to kindergarten, we attended the same elementary school as well, and by the end of kindergarten our moms were letting us have sleepovers on the weekends.   They even let us do it when school was out for the summer, and they enrolled us in a swimming class together.  It was great, and doing all of these things with each other helped us to grow even closer. 

We continued going to the same elementary school until we graduated from fourth grade.  Some years we were in the same classroom, but other years we were in different rooms, but the best times were when we were together and had the same teacher.  We couldn’t have asked for a more perfect situation. 

During the summer before we were supposed to attend the middle school for fifth grade, I got some really bad news.  I found out about it one afternoon when Gavin’s mom brought him to my house to play.  He didn’t look very happy, so I knew something was wrong, and I soon discovered what was bothering him.

“My mom and dad told me that we’re gonna move.”

“Will you still be going to school with me?”

“No, they said we’re movin’ far away.” 

“Why are they doing that?”

“My dad got a new job and we’re movin’ closer to where he’ll be workin’.”

“Will your mom still bring you back here so we can play?”

“No, she says your house will be too far away.”

That was the worst news I’d ever heard and I tried to talk Gavin’s mom out of moving away, but to no avail.  Our moms attempted to help us deal with the situation and work through our feelings, but it didn’t help.  Gavin and his parents might as well have been moving to another planet, as far as either of us was concerned, because we weren’t going to be together any longer. 

It was a good thing that I found out about this over the summer, because the other kids weren’t able to see my reaction to the news.  I was devastated and cried for weeks, and no matter what my mom said or did to make me feel better, I knew no one could ever replace Gavin. 

My mom even took me to the park and a bunch of other places to help me make new friends, but I wasn’t really interested in replacing Gavin.  However, one of the ways my mom attempted to make things better was by signing me up for a youth swim team.  It helped a little, because when I was practicing or competing I didn’t have time to feel sorry for myself.  I still didn’t pay much attention to the other kids or try to become friends with any of them, because as far as I was concerned, I was just there to swim.

Middle school was an even worse time for me, because my best friend wasn’t by my side.  At my mom’s urging, I made an effort to hang out with some of the other boys in my class and I tried to get to know them better, but I was never as close to any of them as I was to Gavin.  It just wasn’t the same! 

Socially, I was sleepwalking my way through middle school, although I was still on the swim team and getting good grades.  That’s because I discovered that paying attention in my classes and studying hard helped to keep me from dwelling on the fact that Gavin and I were no longer together.  This continued throughout middle school, and then it was time for me to move to the high school. 

The situation there wasn’t any better, but at least they had a swim team.  In addition to making the team, my mom and one of my teachers convinced me to participate in one of the clubs offered at the high school.  After talking it over with them, I finally agreed to sign up for the writing club.  I thought it might give me an outlet to express some of my innermost feelings by using the characters in the stories to get things off my chest.  It wasn’t an ideal catharsis, but it provided me with a way of dealing with the angst I was still feeling after Gavin moved away.

During my freshman and sophomore years, I primarily wrote short stories as a way of perfecting and improving my literary ability.  By the time I became a junior, I’d gained a little more confidence and chose to write a novella instead and attempted to compose a story that was more personal than anything I had written before.  I used the main character to express the feelings of loss and abandonment that I’d experienced when Gavin moved away, and to my surprise, the story was very well received.  Of course, the only ones who read it were my faculty advisor, Mrs. Longo, and the other members of the writing club, but it still meant a lot to me.  A short time later, I learned I had an even wider audience than just the people from my school. 

“Tristan, I hope you won’t be upset with me,” Mrs. Longo began, “but I entered your novella in the Scholastic Art & Writing contest.”

“Why did you do that?”

“I knew you wouldn’t do it and I felt your story was too good to only be appreciated by the other club members.  I thought it needed to be shared with others and enjoyed by a wider audience, so I sent it in and paid the required fees.”

“Then you just wasted your money.”

“I don’t think I did, because I was told that your story won praise at the District level and was forwarded to the Regional competition.  Not only that, but today I received a notice that you’ll be honored at the Regional Award Ceremony.”

“Really?  What kind of honor are you talking about?”

“They award three levels of distinction at the ceremony: a Gold Key, a Silver Key, and Honorable Mention.”

“And which one am I going to get?”

“We have to attend the ceremony to find out.” 

“But what does it really mean for me?”

“It could mean a great deal.  Those awarded with a Gold Key will have their projects forwarded to the National Competition, and the Gold and Silver Key recipients are also awarded college scholarships in varying amounts.  I’m also willing to take you to the Regional Ceremony so you can find out which honor you’ve earned.”

“So other people have already read my story?”

“Yes, the various judges at both the district and regional levels, and they were obviously impressed with it.  Not only do you have a chance at winning a college scholarship, but no matter which award you receive it will look good on your college admission applications.”

“I didn’t know that.  When do I have to go there and do my parents have to go with me?” 

“That would be up to them, but they should definitely attend if your story is sent to the National competition.  I don’t mind taking you to see which honor you’ve won at the Regional level, as long as your parents don’t mind if you go with me.”  She then advised me about when and where this would be held.

“Ok then let me talk it over with my mom and dad tonight.”

After I discussed this with my parents, they explained that they’d previously been invited to my dad’s cousin’s wedding, which was on the same weekend.  They explained that they’d already returned the RSVP card, but they’d be willing to call and offer their apologies for not attending, if I wanted them to go with me.  I told them it wouldn’t be necessary, so they promised to accompany me if my story was entered in the National competition. 

I explained this to Mrs. Longo the following day, and then we made plans to attend the award ceremony together.  It was going to be held just a couple of hours from where we lived, so she agreed to pick me up and drive to the location, since it was happening on a Saturday. 

When we arrived there, we had to go to the registration area to sign in.  Besides checking in and getting name tags, the person registering us explained where we’d be sitting.  Just as we were finishing up, I heard someone speak to me. 

“Are my eyes deceiving me or is it Tristan Rader?” the voice said from off to my left. 

I spun in that direction to discover who had said this and immediately recognized the speaker.  He was taller and his hair was darker, but there was no mistaking those eyes.  I’d recognize them anywhere, since I had spent so many hours staring into them. 

“Gavin Munson is it really you?” 

“Damn straight it is, and it’s nice to finally see you again.  What are you doing here?”  

I was temporarily speechless and didn’t respond right away.  I was having difficulty believing I wasn’t dreaming and it was actually him.  Seeing Gavin also took my breath away, due to the feelings I had for him.  Even before he’d moved away, I realized that I had a crush on him.  I might have only been ten at that time, but I was fairly certain that I was gay, although I’d never shared that information with Gavin.  He had no idea that he was the first person I’d ever had romantic feelings for, and fighting through those emotions was difficult, but I knew I’d better answer his question.  

“Uh, this is my faculty advisor, Mrs. Longo, and she submitted one of my stories to this competition.”

“Then it must be a very good story, because everyone here is about to receive an award.”

“Yeah, I know, so what did you send in?”

“I just submitted a series of drawings.  I’m not in the writing competition like you.”

“Oh, yeah, now I remember.  You always liked to draw and were really good in art class.  If I remember correctly, the art teacher took a special interest in you.”

“Yep, she did, but I didn’t know you were a writer.” 

“I didn’t develop that skill until after you moved away.  It turned out to be the device I used to express my feelings and get things off my chest.”

“Is that what your story is about?”

“Kinda, but it’s not an autobiography.  I merely placed the characters in similar circumstances and used them to work through my feelings.  So, what did you draw?” 

“They’re just some sketches I made.”  He was acting strangely, so I decided to pursue this.

“Sketches of what?” 

“Ummm, they’re actually three portraits of you.  One is you when we first met, another is what you looked like when I moved away, and the last is what I thought you might look like now.  After seeing you here, I’ll admit that I was actually pretty close with that one.” 

“Why did you do all those drawings of me?”

“It’s so I would always remember my best friend.”

“I sure hope I get to see them sometime.”

“You will, if we can find a way to get together.  I’d also like to read your story.”

“Ok, that won’t be a problem.”

We wanted to continue talking, but our faculty advisors urged us to go with them because it was time to take our seats.  The problem was, we weren’t assigned to sit anywhere near each other.  He would be sitting with the other artists and I had to sit with the others in the writing competition.  I was hoping that maybe we could get together after the ceremony ended, but it didn’t happen.  Mrs. Longo wanted to leave before she got too tired, so I ended up losing my opportunity to spend more time with my best friend. 

Oh, and by the way, Gavin and I were both awarded Silver Keys for our entries, so neither of us would be going to the Nationals in New York City.  Unfortunately, this meant we also wouldn’t be able to reconnect there either. 

When I eventually told my parents that I’d won a Silver Key and a scholarship, they told me how proud they were of me.  I also told them that I’d seen Gavin there. 

“How is he?” my mom wanted to know. 

“He seems to be doing all right and seeing him was just as if we’d always been together.”

“Did he write a story too?”

“No, he entered the art competition.  He drew three portraits of me!”

“Wow, then he obviously misses you as much as you do him.”

“Yep,” I responded, but then my feelings began to overwhelm me so I went to my room so I could be alone. 

When I began applying to colleges, I listed the information about my award on my college admission applications.  I also included the fact that I’d participated in the writing club all three years so far and I’d lettered on the swim team during the same period.  I hoped that information would give me an advantage over the other applicants, especially when added to my cumulative grade point average and SAT score. 

As soon as my senior year started, Mrs. Longo began talking to me about what type of story I was going to write this year. 

“I’ve been thinking about that all summer.  Last year I wrote a story about a guy whose best friend moved away and how he felt and what he did to cope with his feelings of loss.  This year I’m thinking about writing a story about two guys that are best friends and one of them is hesitant about sharing a secret with the other one, because he’s afraid of how his friend will react.  He’s worried that it might end their friendship.”

“It sounds like an excellent premise for a story and I can’t wait to read it.”

Obviously, I was going to use the story to express my trepidation about telling Gavin that I was gay and had romantic feelings for him.  I felt maybe I could use the story to express my concerns and hopefully resolve this dilemma.

While I was working on my story, I was also participating on the swim team and keeping up with my studies, so I was extremely busy and didn’t have much free time.  I was using every free moment I had to write the story, because I wanted Mrs. Longo to think it was good enough to enter in the Scholastic Art & Writing competition again.  I not only wanted it to be good enough to enter the competition, but also good enough to get to the Regional and National levels, because I was hoping Gavin was thinking along the same lines.  If we both made it to one or both, I was hoping we’d have more time to spend together at the award presentations and we could find a way to keep in touch. 

When I finally finished my story, I gave it to Mrs. Longo to see what she thought of it. 

“This is even better than the story you wrote last year!” she stated.

“So, you think it’s good enough to win an award?”

“Yes, and I expect this story will do even better than you did last year.  Do you want me to submit it for you?”

“No, this year I’ll do it myself and I’ll ask my parents to give me the money for the entrance fee.”

“Ok and I know you’ll do well.”

She was correct, and a month later I was notified that the district judges had forwarded my story to the regional competition.  About a month after that, I received an email inviting me to the Regional Award Ceremony and advising me that I would be receiving an award.  It also listed the date and location where this would take place and I immediately went to share the good news with my mom and dad. 

“That’s fantastic!” my mom squealed. 

“And this year we’ll go with you to the ceremony.”

“It’s farther away this year, so we’ll probably have to stay overnight.”

“That’s not a problem, because we want to be there with you.”

When I went to school, I told Mrs. Longo the good news and explained that my parents wanted to go with me this time. 

“That’s how it should be and I can’t wait to find out which award you received this year.”

We had a lot to do in preparation for the big event, especially me.  Not only was I preparing to possibly win another scholarship, I was also preparing in case Gavin was there again. 

We left early on Friday night, because my dad had made reservations at a hotel for both Friday and Saturday nights.  We went as early as we could to register the next day, and then I made my parents remain with me in that area as I watched to see if Gavin was going to show up.  About an hour later, he entered with his parents, so I pointed them out to my mom and dad so we could go over to speak with them. 

“I guess we both did it again,” Gavin quipped when he saw me. 

“Yeah, I worked extra hard on my story this year so I would get here.”

“And this time I didn’t just do some drawings of you.  I painted your portrait on canvas so my mom and dad could see what you look like now.”

“And he did a remarkable job,” his dad followed, “because looking at that painting was as good as having a photo of you, especially after seeing you now.  I would have spotted you anywhere, even in a dark room it was that good.  I swear it was something that Leonardo da Vinci might have painted.”

“I hope I get to see it then,” I responded. 

“It wasn’t that good, but you can definitely see it,” Gavin replied.  “I used my phone to take photos of the drawings I did last year and the portrait I painted of you this year so you can have them.  Give me your phone number and I’ll send them to you.”

“Yeah, do that,” I said before I told him my cell number.  “And I have something for you too.  I downloaded both stories onto a flash drive to give to you and here it is.”

“I wish I could read them now, but I’ll do it as soon as I can.”

I told him which one to read first, and then I pulled up the photos he’d sent me so I could look at them and show them to my mom and dad. 

“These are excellent,” my mom gasped after looking at them.  “I’m going to have them blown up and printed so I can prominently display them around the house.”

My parents then spent some of their time chatting with Gavin’s parents while I walked up with Gavin as he registered.  Now that we had each other’s phone numbers, we also promised to stay in touch. 

When a gentleman came over to urge us to locate our seats for the ceremony, we had to part from Gavin and his parents since we were seated in different areas.  The location where this year’s ceremony was being held was closer to where they lived, so they were driving home after it ended, but they promised to meet up with us again briefly before they left.  That’s when I realized that Gavin and his male art teacher must have stayed overnight the last time. If only it had been me who had the opportunity to spend the night with Gavin. 

When the ceremony ended, we got together and congratulated each other, because this year Gavin and I had both won Gold Keys.  This meant each award came with another, slightly larger scholarship, but even when combined with the one we won the previous year, they still weren’t enough to pay for college.  However, it meant we were going to go to Nationals in New York City this time, so our parents agreed to make reservations at the same hotel, since going there would require a weekend trip.  Staying at the same hotel would also save both families a little money, because Gavin and I could share a room. 

We flew to New York City on Friday night of the weekend of the National competition, and Gavin and his parents were waiting for us at the airport when we arrived. 

“Have you been waiting long?” my dad asked.

“No, only about a half-hour.  We knew what flight you’d be on and figured we could all take the same shuttle to the hotel.”

Since none of us had ever been to New York City before, we spent the ride gawking at the sights.  Even in the dark the city was spectacular, and it’s not that we hadn’t seen tall buildings before.  It’s just that the skyscrapers here were much taller and more numerous than anything we were used to.

The hotel we were staying at was amazing too, and as soon as we got to our room, I asked Gavin a question. 

“Did you read the stories?”

“I read the first one, but I got so emotional reading about what your characters were going through and knowing that’s what we went through, that I felt I’d better take a break before reading the next one.  The thing is, my life got so hectic that I haven’t had a chance to read it yet, but I will, probably over the summer.  I thought the first one was excellent, though, and I can’t figure out how you didn’t win a Gold Key and get sent to Nationals last year.”

“The competition must have been really tough and I was only a junior.  I’ll bet the seniors won most of the Gold Keys.”

“I guess that’s possible, but I still think your story was good enough to win one.”

“And I might be biased, because the drawings were of me, but I think you should have won a Gold Key last year as well.  Perhaps my judgment is based on the fact that I know how closely those drawings looked like me at those ages, but they were still good enough to win a gold key.  It was as if I was looking into a mirror that could see into the past.”

Even though Gavin and I shared a room, nothing intimate or romantic happened.  That might have been because he still didn’t know about my secret, so I’m wondering how he’ll react when he reads the other story. 

We had a chance to do a little exploring the next day, before the award ceremony began, so we went up to the observation deck of the Empire State Building to take in the magnificent views from there.  We also had a chance to enjoy some of the delicacies that New York is famous for and we had a wonderful time.

As it began to grow later, we returned to our rooms to shower and change for the evening, and then we made our way over to check in for the ceremony.  Once again, we weren’t able to sit together, but we were able to revel in each other’s success when it was announced that we’d both been awarded Gold Keys.  This came with another, even slightly larger scholarship, and when added together the three scholarships might pay for one of the four years of college. 

After the ceremony ended, Gavin and I had to stay around for photos to be taken.  This included photos of the winners in each subcategory in both the Art and Writing categories, and then separate photos were taken of each of us that we could share with our schools and local newspapers.  When the shutter on the camera snapped for the final time, we were allowed to leave, so we met up with our parents and headed back to the hotel.

Of course, both sets of parents congratulated us numerous times, but eventually the situation began to settle down and we turned in for the evening. 

The following morning, we all rode to the airport in the same shuttle to catch our flights home.  I said goodbye to Gavin prior to heading toward different departure gates, and it was just as difficult this time as the summer before fifth grade when they were moving away.  The only difference was that this time we had a way to keep in touch. 

When I returned to school, Mrs. Longo wanted to know how I’d made out, and when I told her she gave me a hug and said she had a feeling that was going to happen.  She even prepared a statement to be read during the morning announcements the following day, and my achievements were also mentioned when I received my diploma at graduation. 

Gavin and I had texted back and forth several times after we returned home from the National competition, but a couple weeks into the summer vacation he stopped responding to my texts.  I tried to call him, but he never answered and the call was sent to voicemail.  I always left a message, but he never responded, so I was left with one heartbreaking conclusion for why this was happening.  Apparently, he’d read the second story and discovered that I was gay and deeply in love with him, and he was offended.  Crushed, I saw no further reason to attempt to contact him again, since he was ignoring me. 

I had a terrible summer, since I thought I’d made a huge mistake by letting Gavin read the second story, but there was nothing I could do about it now.  He didn’t even seem willing to listen to my explanation about any of it, since he wouldn’t respond to my texts or phone calls, so I focused on other things instead, like going away to college in a few weeks. 

I’d actually been accepted by multiple colleges and universities, but in the end I chose to go to State.  I did this for several reasons, the first being that it was less expensive to go there than anywhere else and I knew my parents didn’t have a lot of money.  The scholarships would help, but they weren’t going to cover everything, so State made the most sense.  State was also highly rated in the field I wanted to pursue, since I’d decided to major in English.  I hoped I’d eventually be able to make a living as a writer, but until that worked out I would look for a job as a high school English teacher, and State had a very good education department as well. 

Who knows?  Maybe going away to college will work out in more ways than just allowing me to get a good education and a degree.  Maybe I’ll meet other gays there and forget about Gavin.  I might even fall in love with someone who also wants to be with me, but nothing in life is ever definite.  Life is merely a game of chance and sometimes you win and sometimes you lose.  I’ve won a few times, such as having Gavin as a friend for several years and the writing awards, but I’ve also lost a few times as well.  The worst of those defeats is that I took a chance and apparently lost Gavin for good.  I can’t imagine suffering a loss worse than that.