Open Hearts

Y’all didn’t disappoint on the messages from the last part. Yes, I know its been two years. But hey, better late than never. I read all of the emails so far, even if I haven’t replied to you yet, rest assured I got the message. I would like to say I feel particularly good about this part. I don’t know why. I can’t say it’s any better or worse than any of my other parts, but I just feel proud of it. Let me know in an email how you guys feel about this part. Let me know if any of it felt relatable to you or if it brought up any special emotions. Anyways, let us continue.

Continuing from the last part, Keaton just accidentally sent a handful of nudes to the wrong person.

Open Hearts Part 22:

“Those weren’t meant for you…”

“I see that. They were meant for Bjorn right?”

“Yeah.”

I slid my back down the wall and cradled into a ball on the floor. My bare ass on the cold tile floor would have felt a lot worse if the shower wasn’t currently running and filling the room with a warm blanket of steam.

“Gotcha… are you gonna be mad at me again?”

I fucked up. It could have been worse though, these pictures could have been sent to my parents, or even my grandma. But now the pretzel of our relationship just continues to twist and twist and become even more complicated than it already was.

“No. I’m not mad at you. It’s not your fault I sent them.”

“Cool. You look good though.”

The nerve of this boy. Can’t he tell how embarrassed I am?

“Are you trying to make me mad at you”

“No no no I’m sorry. I was just trying to make this less awkward… I made it more awkward didn’t I.”

“Yep”

“Sorry. Can I make it up to you?”

I needed to hop in this shower before all my hot water was gone but I couldn’t just put this conversation on the back burner. Can’t lie, I am curious what this boy has in mind to “make it up to me”

“What do you mean? I don’t think you can salvage my embarrassment at this point, you’ve seen literally all of me” I stood up to get into the shower and just let the conversation die for now, I’m sure I’ll have to deal with this later anyways.

“Well, I can show you me”

I was about to set my phone down when that message came across my screen. The warmth of the shower air wavering still but I couldn’t bring myself to stop now. Staring at the screen for quite some time, trying to fully understand each word as if it was in another language. Is he serious? My fingers began tapping away but quickly deleted what was said. I did this a few times, each time I thought I was approaching the conversation from a new and correct point of view but then I would regret those words too and delete them. Finally I just gave up and set the phone down on the counter, hopped in the shower, and did my best scrub job in the short amount of time I had with the chilling water supply that was left. My heart was beating fast as I thought about that little phone on the counter and the big words left unsaid within it.

Reluctantly I grabbed my phone from the counter after toweling myself off and surprisingly the words were not recanted. Nope, they were still there on the screen with no attempt by Sky to bring the conversation back or apologize for the statement. No, his offer was still definitely on the table.

After dinner I crawled back into my nest of a bed and tried to distract myself the best I could. I tried drawing, but all the colors felt wrong and my lines felt sloppy and rushed. After a handful of scribbles that didn’t even make it near a sketch, I threw all my papers in the trash bin next to my desk and retreated to my games. Playing video games didn’t help much either and I would switch games every time I got past the title screens. Netflix was my next go-to and I sat through a few episodes of my childhood favorite, Avatar the Last Airbender. That was fun, while it lasted. But something kept popping into my head while I was trying to relax. Not so much about what was said, but what wasn’t said. It was embarrassing to see my photos get sent to the wrong person like that, but I never asked Sky to delete them, and I never felt the need to tell him not to show anyone else. I trusted him not to, and I barely know him.

“What do you mean” I hesitantly typed back.

“You know what I mean. I saw you. Would it make you feel better if you saw me. Ya’ know, it’d make us even.”

I typed back quickly, sure of my convictions when I put in the letter “n” and then the letter “o” but something stopped before I pressed send. I didn’t question it, or take the time to ask myself why. I wasn’t sure of why anymore. Looking at the screen and seeing the word “sure” come up under my name was surprising but not as surprising as the feeling of anticipation building in my stomach. My mind was blank to everything except the house of cards balancing in my hand. The messages remained stagnant, no reply from Sky yet. I tucked the phone close to my chest and breathed deeply. Damn it Keaton, why did you say that? Why didn’t you just tell him to delete them-

My phone buzzed against my chest like a defibrillator shocking me back to life. No new message, just a new picture, and then another, and then another. The first was Sky standing in front of his mirror, fully clothed but one hand had pulled the base of his shirt up and revealed part of smooth stomach and developing muscles. The next picture was the same, except the waist of his pants had dropped slightly and I could make out the V line that was enticing me to follow it, all… the way… down. Next picture and now the shirt and shorts were gone and he was only in his underwear, a pair of baby blue briefs with white outlines. Next came a message, so devilishly constructed I was both terrified and impressed that he presented it.

“Do you want me to keep going?”

I did. I wanted it. And I hate myself for it.

“It would be only fair. We have to be even.” I knew I was lying to him, and to myself too. Hell, Sky probably knew I was lying too. Nevertheless, another picture, this time in a new location. He’s on his stomach, with only a portion of his face in frame as his beautiful blue eye stares into the camera. With most of his face buried into his pillow, he held the camera just over his shoulder so I could see down his back. Two pale globes of flesh arched their way into the view of the camera. From my view they were standing still in time but I imagined them swaying back and forth at the mercy of his hips, eagerly awaiting someone to give them attention. I didn’t have to use my imagination with the next one. Hitting play on the video, I saw him on his back with the camera pointed down now. Between his legs he let his hard-on bounce and throb without touching it, weirdly enough it felt like the rhythm was the exact same as my heartbeat as I watched it. One thing was for certain, this boy had done this before, and I was starting to realize that little ol’ Sky might not be as innocent as I thought.

“That’s enough. We’re even.” I sent quickly before he could send another.

“Okay. I do owe you a lot though since you forgave me for what I did. So if you ever want anymore, just text me.”

“See you at school tomorrow ;)” he added

My phone made its way to my nightstand and onto its charger. I rolled over until I was face down in my pillow, pulled the blanket over my head and let out a muffled yell into the abyss. Raising my head from the pillow I looked over at my phone and saw a small wooden box sitting behind it. It was the jewelery box from the antique shop. I wanted to give it to Bjorn but I wanted to get it engraved first. Now all I could think about writing on there was “Sorry for being the world’s worst boyfriend. I know you’re laid up in bed with multiple injuries and all but I’ve just been sexting with someone else behind your back. No biggie right?” Sounds catchy but I don’t think it will fit.

“What have I done?”

I can’t keep this up. I have to tell Bjorn.

*

It was Friday at school and science class came much sooner than I wanted it to. We went over cells today, naming each part and their importance. A pop quiz followed shortly after with all of us scrambling to remember what the mitochondrion does versus the cell wall etc. My pencil roamed over the word bank and the diagrams but my senses told me that someone was watching me. I glanced up, not surprisingly I found the little show off in the front row staring back at me. He quickly looked away but I could tell he was sending the “I need to talk to you” message with his eyes. I got an 88 on the quiz which I took as a personal offense because I thought I aced it. Part of me wanted to contest it to the teacher but most of my classmates already see me as a nerd, arguing over a B on a pointless quiz would only enforce their point. After class I followed Sky into the hallway and with his eyes he directed me to the outside hallway we normally used to get to the cafeteria.

“Hey, we should talk” he said before I could say the same.

“Yeah” I took a quick peak around, no one was close enough to overhear if we speak softly.

He initiated the conversation but I gave him no chance to speak first, interrupting his first breath I looked intensely into his eyes and drove my point home.

“We can’t do that again Sky. Never again.” I was waiting for the puppy dog eyes and look of defeat to cross his face but it never came.

“I know, I was going to say the same thing.” He replied.

“Really? Well good.” I was kind of shocked. His message from last night made it seem like he was fully expecting for it to happen again.

“Yeah really, did you talk to Bjorn last night?” Sky said sharply.

“What? No, why?”

“He messaged me late last night. He apologized for not replying to me when I first reached out to him. Then he said when he heals up  he wants us all to hangout. I’m sorry bro but that message made me feel awful. It made me think about those pictures and I realized how hurt he would be if he found out.”

“Did you tell him!” I shouted back a bit too loudly

“No. I didn’t tell, I wouldn’t do that. If I did, then both of you would get hurt and then I would get hurt because he’d beat me into a bloody pulp. But just a suggestion, I think you should tell him. I wouldn’t be able to look him in the eye, let alone hangout with him if he didn’t know.”

I knew it had to be done but hearing him say it made me shudder in reluctance. My mind was already made up last night though, I will tell Bjorn.

*

I kept that same confidence and zeal up until I was sitting at the foot of Bjorn’s bed, cross legged sitting between his legs with my face buried in my hands and tears slipping through the creases of my fingers. The room was eerily quiet after my fateful omission. I paused my hum and moans of sorrow just to listen for anything to come from him. With no strength in me to look him in the eye, I just kept listening. God damn that ceiling fan! It never shuts up! Why won’t he say anything!

“It’s alright. I’m not mad.”

Certainly that one was a trick right? A trick of the ear, imagining sounds that don’t exist. Maybe it was a trick of Bjorn’s instead. The sound might be real but the emotion attached to it must certainly not be.

“Do you like him”

My hands slid from my face to my temples, firmly holding my head down to avoid the stare I could feel piercing the top of my skull.

“You owe me an answer. Do you like him?”

“No. Not like that. He’s nothing compared to you.” My voice croaked and spat out an answer.

Silence befell the room again. My nails dug into the skin of my temples.

Not much else was left to be said. Nothing said would change the atmosphere of the moment I created. Not too long ago I was in this same position, listening to Bjorn’s cries for forgiveness. Now we’re back where we started. Another mistake with two hearts to break. Not a word was said when I crawled up to him and laid across his arm. No more apologies, no more tears, only silence. We listened to that ceiling fan whirl together with the tension blanketing us both. I thought maybe one of us would fall asleep because of the quiet but there was no peace or comfort to help that along. No, we just laid there, still silent. I thought about my crimes committed and the possible consequences. If I were him, what would I do? Do I deserve the forgiveness he might give or am I doing more harm than I am worth. My thoughts crept to our tomorrows, days later, months later and even our future years together. I thought about how we would look back on this moment and learn from it. However, I noticed how awfully quiet the room remained despite all this time we had to air this thing out and I realized something. In this future where we look back and remember our mistakes, there is no guarantee we’ll be looking back together.

“You should go home. I want to be alone.”

I knew the silence would end eventually. There was no protest. I left his side, grasping his hand in mine as I lifted myself from the sheets. When my fingers finally left his touch, I knew what it felt to be empty, to be numb. I did not cry because he did not deserve the burden. I left my feelings of hope in that room when I felt the door click shut behind me. It wasn’t up to me now.

*

Later that night, Bjorn called me on the phone. The conversation lasted hours but not nearly enough words were said to reflect that. After school the next day I opted out of going to see him in person. In place of it though he called me again and we talked for a similar amount of time but with more words to match. With the weekend now upon us I spent most of it in my room, talking to him on the phone. You might think we spent the whole time talking about us but in reality that subject rarely got brought up. School, sports, video games and even the weather took precedence over deeper thought and conversation. Maybe we were tiptoeing around the subject to avoid stating the obvious. Ignoring our problem for as long as we could made these conversations possible because if we skipped right to the end, then that might be it… the end.

Sky was okay with me canceling our running date. This just wasn’t the time. When he asked about how Bjorn took the news, I didn’t know what to tell him. I didn’t have the answer my self. It wasn’t something I wanted to imagine, life without Bjorn, but imagining us replaying this game of pain we like to run wasn’t much better. Our conversations remained vague. We talked like friends now. The words felt different coming out. It was like reconnecting with someone you haven’t seen in years. You want them to feel your improvements when you speak. You want that person to feel like you’ve matured and progressed and are a far superior human being than you were the last time you two met. You develop a personality unique to just that person. You’re fake, and you don’t want them to know it.

*

December

*

“Can you believe it! Another city where snow just ceases to exist!” My mother exclaimed looking out the window into our obviously snow-less back yard.

“Yeah mom if you move from Florida to the California coast you’re kind of asking for a life without snow.”

“I didn’t ask for your sass or your logic honey. Now go clean your room.”

“It already cl-”

“I don’t care. Go clean it again. I don’t want it to be a mess while you’re gone.”

This entire month my parents have been relentless in their pursuits to make me a housemaid. I’ve cleaned everything in this stupid place from the pool, to the kitchen, to the guest bathroom floor tiles at least 3 times. It’s like I’m being punished for something but really I’m just being forced to show my gratitude towards them for the gift they gave me a few months ago. I can’t complain, it was a tremendous gift after all.

There was nothing to clean in my room but I went there anyways, only to find the place spotless and well ordered. Everything was in its place, save for the large suitcase on the floor in front of my closet and the noticeably missing items from my room that made up that suitcase. All was ready and prepared, the only thing left was time, what cruelty that turned out to be. “One more day, get through tonight and your dreams will become reality come the morning” I told myself over and over again. It wasn’t the same dream that existed before, but it wasn’t dead either.

I took count of all the items in my bag and checked over my list 3 or 4 times to make sure nothing got left behind. Then my brain flipped to the tickets in my email’s inbox, then to the itinerary we came up with. All in order, all in check. Back to the waiting game.

I couldn’t sleep, which wasn’t much of a surprise. When I could fall asleep it wasn’t a pleasurable experience. My mind created another obstacle for me to get through and it was in my nightmares. I was alone in a dark hallway and I needed to get out but there wasn’t light at the end of the tunnel for me to follow, in fact I couldn’t even tell if there was walls. It just felt like I was trapped. It felt claustrophobic. Something told me to run but only in one direction could I do so. Even in the pitch blackness I felt I was running on the only path that mattered. Then I fell. I ran right off the edge and into a pool. When my head resurfaced I felt overwhelmed by the cold water. It was so chilling I could distinctly feel the water on my face begin to freeze to my skin. It was as equally refreshing as it was terrifying. When I woke up I observed the absence of my blanket and noticed it strewn about on my floor. No wonder it was so cold. Suddenly, I heard the blare of my alarm clock going off. Great timing I guess.

I was up earlier than necessary but for a good reason. Slipping on a t-shirt, shorts and running shoes I made my way through the dark house and out the front door. Today was the day, but before I could do anything else I had someone I had to go meet. His driveway seemed longer than normal this morning. Probably because I was tired and each step was a literal drag. I didn’t need to knock because he saw me coming up the drive and opened the door to greet me. He stood there in similar attire with a bright yet still sleepy smile across his face.

“You ready to go?”

“Yeah. Let’s go.”

I turned away from the boy, who followed my lead out to the sidewalk. He walked behind me until my pace quickened to a jog, then he replicated. We found our pace, matched one another and ran in unison into the glowing rays of a California sunset. Morning dew made each lawn we passed shine with an intensity that screamed a brand new day on it. Fitting beginning to a new journey I guess. We ran to the coast, and then along it as our terrain switched from unforgiving concrete to playful sand. We ran until the breath escaped from his lungs and his pace slowed to a crawl. I knew to stop, we’ve been running together for awhile and his stamina usually gives out around now.

“One day you’ll be able to beat me. I can feel it.”

The blonde boy looked back at me without a shred of amusement on his sweat soaked face.

“Yeah. One day. Not today though.”

We let the breath come back to both of us but opted not to start running again just yet. Taking opportunity of the beautiful horizon and crisp coastal air we made time for reflection.

“You know Keaton, meeting you was one of the best things that’s ever happened to me. I know it sounds dramatic. But… just… thanks I guess.”

“You’re right. It was dramatic. But I have to thank you too. I don’t know where I would be without you.”

We enjoyed the company of each other and the waves reaching for our feet for awhile before circling back and heading home. At his front door we both must of felt the need to continue our conversation but didn’t know how to because we just stood there and looked awkwardly at one another as the sunlight started to bask over us.

“You know, I’m going to miss you.” He said softly.

“I’m not going away forever you know. Just a trip and then I’ll be back and when I do get back, milkshakes on me.”

“I’ll hold you to it.”

We stood there awkwardly again, rubbing our palms together and against our arms.

“Well. See ya for now.” He finally said, meekly.

“See ya.”

We both leaned in for a kiss, the moment demanded something more than a weak goodbye. His lips met mine briefly, and then left just as quickly as they arrived. Just a quick peck for us to hold onto I guess.

“Bye Keaton” He followed with before slipping through his front door.

“Bye Sky” I responded into the wind.

*

There wasn’t much pleasantries to go around when I returned home since I used up much of my time on the run. My parents were awake now and rushing me into the shower to wash the stink off my body. Once that was done I only had minutes to dress and grab my things because the doorbell at the front door had me scrambling to get downstairs. Down there in the kitchen my parents were chatting it up with the bearish brute of a man sipping from his morning thermos. He was flanked by a large carry-on backpack in one hand and his blonde haired cub standing on his other side. They all turned to look at me with my less than stealthy thumps from my suitcase following me down the stairs.

“You ready little man?”

“I’m ready”

*

We both opted for the backseat in his dad’s car. It would have felt wrong for one to be up front and leave the other to be lonely for the ride. Still, we didn’t have much to offer for entertaining each other. I kept myself reserved to my own window with my hands in my lap and thoughts confined to my own head. He did much the same, and the car’s engine did all the talking for us. His dad took note of this, his eyes scanning the rear view mirror at our self induced isolation. Sigve knew why we were acting this way and for months he tried his best to let us sort it out ourselves but I could see the frustration growing on his face. Its been awhile since we smiled the same.

A few gray clouds formed along our route down the highway and cast a light rain down on us. I watched the droplets of water race down the window glass in the hopes that the drop I picked won. I felt the familiar buzz in my pocket and looked down to see a new message from the other passenger with me.

“I win. I picked the one on the left”

I looked over to Bjorn staring at me, staring at the window. It was a little embarrassing at first but he had a soft smirk on his face that made my blushing cheeks turn up in a smile too.

“You know you didn’t have to bring me. I would have understood.” I responded, the smile fading fast.

“I wouldn’t have, this trip wouldn’t be the same without you. I made you a promise months ago, I intend to keep it.”

I couldn’t help but think how I made him a promise months ago too, and I failed to keep it.

*

There was a rush in the airport to get to our gate because Sigve insisted we stop for coffee and breakfast even though we ate before we left. Watching that man eat is like watching gladiators battle to the death, it’s hard to watch but you can’t look away. We had two tickets together and one ticket apart in another row. I offered to take the single ticket and let father and son sit together, but Sigve would have none of it and took the single seat. We had two layovers to get through and an entire day of flying ahead of us. There was no telling how we would turn out after this trip, but right now we had to make the best of sitting together for hours as friends.

Just friends.

We took our seats next to an older woman in professional business attire. She seemed to scoff at our presence, probably because of our age. Me and Bjorn both exchanged curious looks and giggles in response to the cold shoulder we were receiving. It was nice to hear his laugh in person again. The woman put in her headphones and began tapping away on her laptop, so in a way it was like I was alone with Bjorn.

“Did you go out for your morning run today?” Bjorn asked in a weak attempt at bringing up another subject.

“Yeah I did. It was nice.”

“How’s he doing?” He asked in a hushed tone.

“Good I guess. Same old, same old. I’m really happy to see you out of your cast by the way. And since your shoulder is better now you can finally work out that arm again.” I put forth my own poor attempt at disguising the subject we should be talking about.

“Oh yeah? You think its getting weak or something?” Bjorn lifted his arm and flexed his bicep against his tight t-shirt. The muscle bulged against the fabric and the veins on his forearm popped. Clearly no strength was lost while he was recovering. I definitely lost some strength though, looking at him flex beside me. I wanted to reach out and touch it, or grab it and wrap it around my shoulders. The longing didn’t go unnoticed either. He looked up to find me staring, met my gaze and returned a nervous laugh and smile.

“Guess not.” He muttered under his breath.

A few months ago Bjorn and I decided to end the relationship we had, and start a new one. Constantly making mistakes and projecting that on our relationship was taking its toll and ruining our chance at being friends. So we decided to just be that. Just friends. In that time period, Sky and I grew closer and became good friends, but the line we walked felt more narrow every day. Some days I think about going back on it and asking Bjorn for another shot at what I thought I wanted. Deep down I know I can’t. Life is better with us drawing a hard line in the sand. Bjorn and I didn’t work out as boyfriends, but we will thrive as friends.

Just. Friends.

By the end of the day, we will be sitting around the dinner table enjoying a home cooked meal with Bjorn’s family while the snow falls gracefully outside the frosted windows. Bjorn also promised me some hot chocolate and a fire to sit by while we watch Christmas movies in the den. I won’t do anything to jeopardize what we have now, even if means hiding the love I have for him.

***

End of Chapter 22:

Well here it is folks. Next part, part 23 will be the finale. I'll try to have it out by next Sunday so there isn't too much of  a wait. Thank you all for being here and supporting me during this journey of ours. Reach out to me at my email listed above if you want updates as to when the final part drops.