Kerry

We arrived at the mall, and after parking the car, we made our way to an upscale department store where I had an account. Kerry selected all his own clothes, but I had to keep urging him on and reminding him of things I thought he would need. It probably made him feel uncomfortable to have me buying so many clothes for him, but I really did enjoy it. I knew I could afford it, whether he did or not. And after a while, he began to be excited as well. God, he was beautiful when he smiled.

When all was said and done, Kerry had new clothes from top to bottom. He selected eight polo shirts, two dress shirts with ties, a belt, four pairs of blue jeans, a pair of navy dress trousers, three pairs of shorts, a pair of sneakers, and a pair of dress shoes, plus a couple of packages each of T-shirts, underwear, and several colors of socks. We couldn't find a blazer to fit him, so I had him measured for one, and we were to pick it up in about a week. He also found a cute pair of pajamas and a blue bath robe, which although he did not know it, was almost exactly like mine. All this was topped off by a bright orange Speedo swim suit. Near the end of our shopping spree, he came out of the fitting room wearing a pair of tan shorts, a dark green polo shirt with matching socks, white sneakers and a brown leather belt. He looked absolutely stunning. 

"Kerry, go back into the fitting room, take the tags off those clothes, and bring them to me. You can wear that outfit out of here."

"Wow! You mean it?" he exclaimed. I was taken by the sparkle in his eyes.

"Yes, they look much better than your old clothes, and we have some more stops to make."

Kerry flew back into the fitting room and later brought me the price tags from the clothes he was wearing. I paid the bill, and the saleslady found a bag for the old clothes. She also found a stock boy to help us get all his packages to the car. 

We spent some time looking through the mall and found a few more items which Kerry liked. We passed a jewelry store and I noticed that something caught his eye. He approached the window very slowly, and I asked what he was looking at.

"I just saw that necklace," he said. "It reminds me of one my mom wore. She had it on when they buried her." He was pointing to a gold rope necklace with a crucifix on it.

"Kerry, I doubt if that is the same as your mom's. That is a man's necklace. The chain is heavier and the crucifix is a little larger than a woman would wear."

"Maybe," answered Kerry, "but it still reminds me of hers."

"Well, I don't think your mom would mind if you had something that reminded you of her," I said, and we entered the store. I bought the necklace for him without even asking the price, and told the jeweler he could keep the box. After the jeweler adjusted the length, Kerry put the necklace on, and it looked like it had been made especially for him. When we left the store, I noticed that Kerry had tears in his eyes.

"Is something wrong, son," I asked.

Kerry threw his arms around my neck and held me tight. "Daddy, why do you love me so much?" he cried. "You have given me so much today already, and now I feel like you have given me back my mom. This is so beautiful."

I had trouble holding back my own tears. "Kerry, I love you so much just because you are you. I can't tell you how special you are to me, because I don't know the words to use. But I haven't given you back your mom, because your mom has never been lost. I know you can't see or hear her any more, but I know you can feel her. If that necklace makes it easier for you to remember her, that's great. It will always be yours, and it can have whatever meaning you wish to give it."

"Thank you, Dad. I love you so much," he said, burying his face into my chest and crying softly.

"Kerry, I love you more than I will ever be able to explain to you, and much more than I will ever be able to show you. And I am glad you like your necklace. It looks beautiful on you." 

We finished our shopping, and I asked Kerry what he wanted to do next.

"Let's go home now, and I'll help you fix lunch. Then we can plan the afternoon," he said. 

"Okay, but first we have to stop at the grocery store and get some things you like to eat." When we arrived at the grocery store, I was surprised that I didn't have to keep warning him about too much sweets. He selected his favorite breakfast cereals and some favorite drinks, but for snacks he chose trail mixes, fruits, and granola bars. I found that he had almost exactly the same tastes as I had when it came to meats, cheeses, and fresh vegetables. He was going to be easy to cook for.

Before we got to the checkout line, Kerry asked me, "Dad, do we have any hot dogs at home? I haven't had one in a long time, and I think I would like to have them for lunch."

"I am not sure if we have any, Kerry. Why don't you go over and get a couple of packages of hot dogs and some buns. That sounds good to me, too," I answered. I didn't have the heart to tell him it may be a little premature to be calling me "Dad" and calling my house "home." Besides, I am not sure I could have done it, with all the tears in my eyes. Reverend Keller had been right - Kerry was God's little angel, and I had to care for him and hope he would one day be mine as well.

Kerry came running back with the hot dogs and buns. He had also picked up a package of shredded cheese and a can of chili. "Is this all right?" he asked.

"Sure," I laughed. Kerry threw his arms around me and buried his face into my chest. I ran my fingers through his soft hair, and he looked up to me and smiled.

"I am so happy, Mike. Please let things stay this way."

"Ditto."

I paid for the groceries, Kerry helped me load them into the car, and we were on our way home. He sat with his head on my shoulder while I drove. He was sleeping by the time we arrived at my house, but he was easily awakened when I told him to wake up. He helped carry the groceries into the house, then ran back to the car to get his new clothes. It took him three trips. After he had gotten them all into the house, he came into the kitchen where I was preparing the hot dogs.

"Where do you want me to put my new clothes?" he asked. I turned around to look at him, and found that again he was totally naked, except for his new necklace. Once again, I admired the absolute beauty of his body. He turned around slowly so that I could look at all of him, and again, I very much liked what I saw. God, he was beautiful. "You said to put my old clothes in the garbage, so I did," he said proudly.

"So I did," I laughed, gathering him into my arms and hugging him. "But I didn't tell you that you had to take off your new outfit before lunch. At least get on some underwear and your new bathrobe."

"I can't until you put me down," he answered playfully. "I just thought you would like to hold me and see me naked again."

"I love to hold you and see you naked, Kerry, but let's not overdo it," I laughed.

Kerry laughed out loud, then he kissed me. I put him down and he ran back into my bedroom. He returned after a couple of minutes wearing his new blue bathrobe.

During lunch, Kerry ate two hot dogs with chili and cheese, plus a small bag of corn chips and drank a can of root beer. "I am glad you like hot dogs," he said. "My stepfather didn't like them at all, and it has been months since I had one. This is great."

"Well, you don't have to worry about your stepfather any more. But just on that thought, what did you have to eat after he threw you out and before I found you?"

"Not much. One boy about high school age bought me a hamburger the second day after I agreed to let him see my thing, but that's all I had until you came along."

"Well, you don't ever have to do anything like that to get your meals around here," I said emphatically. "It is a shame that you had to go through all that. I wish I had found you sooner."

"But, Mike, I think I would like doing things with you. I was hoping you and I could love each other sometime."

"I think we already do."

"I know. But I was hoping we could do some more."

"Kerry, I can see that there are some things we need to talk about more, but let me ask you something. You said that your stepfather kicked you out because he thought you were 'queer.' Now, first of all, I want you to know that the current correct term is 'gay,' but I need to ask you - do you think you are gay?"

"I don't know for sure, but I think I am. Does that make you hate me now?"

"No, Kerry, don't even think of such a thing. It makes absolutely no difference to me whether you are gay, straight, bisexual, or something else I never heard of. You are my special boy, and I love you. Nothing can change that except your telling me that you don't want me anymore."

"That's not going to happen. Come into the bedroom - I want to show you something."

Kerry excitedly led me back to my bedroom. He sat me on the side of the bed and told me to watch. He took off his new bathrobe and laid it on the bed, and again I saw him in all his naked beauty - he had conveniently failed to put on any underwear. He walked over to the other side of the bed and got a pair of his new underwear and very seductively put them on. Then he made a big show of putting on a pair of jeans and an orange polo shirt, along with his sneakers and white socks. Then he stood before me and said, "How do I look?"

"You look happy, you look cute, and to me you look wonderful," I said, giving him another hug.

He returned my hug, smiled, and said, "You ain't seen nuttin' yet!"

He proceeded to take off his new clothes seductively, down to the bare skin except for the necklace, and then he put on another outfit and modeled it for me. It took him almost an hour to show me all his new clothes, plus his little strip - tease between outfits, the final item being his swim suit. He did look very cute wearing it, as it showed off his features very nicely. There was even a small bulge in front, which he looked at, then mischievously raised his eyes to meet mine. He strutted around the bedroom like a sensuous model, then came over to me and asked, "Should I take it off for you now?"

I reached for him and pulled him into my lap, giving him a warm hug. "Are you flirting with me?" I asked, tickling him on the chest.

"Is that what you want me to do?"

"You know, Kerry, if we keep beating around this bush much longer we are going to trample the roots and kill it. I want you to listen very carefully to what I say now. Okay?"

Kerry nodded and looked at me intently. I think he was beginning to know when I was getting serious.

I didn't know exactly how to begin, but I gave it my best shot. "You know I love you, Kerry, and I know you love me, too, but there are lots of ways to express love - there are more ways than you can imagine that we haven't even thought about yet. I haven't known you long enough to know exactly how you like to be loved, and you don't know much about me, either, but hopefully we will have a very long time to get to know each other. Maybe we can even find a way that is exactly right for both of us, some way we both like, and that lets each of us feel the other's love. Kerry, perhaps I'm wrong, but you seem to be hinting that you would like for us to have some kind of sexual relationship. It is apparent that you have had at least a few sexual experiences. I don't want you to think I am not attracted to you, because I definitely am, but I am afraid you are trying to go a little too far and a little too fast."

"Yes, I have done a few things, but never with anyone special. I have heard that sex is better when you really love the other person, and the other person loves you, too. Is that true?"

"Yes, it's true. Sex is the ultimate expression of love between two people, and when you really love each other, sex can be fantastic. But, Kerry, sex is not for anyone who is too young to understand all its ramifications. Sex must be handled responsibly. It can hurt you and the other person very deeply if it is misused or if it is done for the wrong reasons. There are those who believe that any time it happens between two people other than a man and his wife, it is perverted and wrong. Again, there are very strict laws that attempt to govern people's sexual behavior. People - and the law - are especially intolerant when it comes to sex between a grown person and a child."

"You mean, people would think you were a bad man and I was a bad boy if we had sex together?" he asked.

"That's putting it mildly. If they found out we were doing anything like that, I would probably have to go to jail, and you would probably end up in a psychiatrist's office and living in a foster home."

"But what would YOU think if we were to have sex with each other?"

I had to think quite a bit about how to phrase my answer, because I knew that Kerry would take it very seriously, but I believe I finally got it right. "Kerry, I have lived my entire life around parents, friends, and family that had very archaic views about sex, and I would have to admit that the idea of a sexual relationship with you is not very comfortable to me right now. However, I personally believe that if two people really love each other, then anything they do to express their love to each other is beautiful, as long as, number one, they both freely agree, and number two, they do not violate either of their own personal moral codes. In our case, Kerry, I don't want to be hurt, and I especially don't want you to be hurt in any way. I don't think I could ever live with myself again if I knew that I had hurt you. And as I have said before, sex can hurt very deeply if it is not handled with a lot of responsibility and a tremendous amount of love. And besides, we are trying to get to be father and son, and fathers don't love their sons that way. Add that to the fact that you are underage, and that you are unsure about your sexuality, and I am afraid that anything like that between us would probably confuse you more." 

"Let me make a suggestion: Hopefully, we have a lot of time to spend together. Let's spend at least the next few weeks just getting to know each other better. Let's find out how we each like to love and to be loved. Let's see if we can find a way of loving each other that we both like and lets us both really feel the other's love. And I want you to give a lot of thought to what I just told you about sex. I want you to understand that you don't have to offer sex to me in order to have my love. You will always have my love, no matter what, and we can love each other as we have been doing, maybe even find some more and better ways. Just remember what I told you last night - some things we do here, like your sleeping with me or letting me see you naked, must remain strictly between the two of us, and NO one else. Okay?"

"Okay. But for now, why don't you get on your swimming trunks and let's go swimming."

"You've got a deal!" I said. "But first, you need to gather up all your new clothes and move them into your bedroom. You can have your choice of two rooms. Come on and I'll show them to you, and you can make your choice."

"But I want to be in your room with you!"

"Kerry, you can sleep with me any time you want, but you need to have your own room. After all, there may be some times when you just feel the need to be alone, and your own room is a great place to be at those times. Remember what I said about what would happen if anyone knew we were sleeping together, even if we didn't do anything? Well, if they know you live here and all your clothes are in my closet, what would they think? Also, school will be starting soon, and you may want to have some friends over after school, maybe even to spend the night, and then you would need your own room. Also, you will need your own room where you can be quiet and do your homework."

"Okay, but I want the room that is closest to yours."

My house had four bedrooms; the guest suite, where Kerry had spent part of his first night, was on the opposite side of the house from the others. The master bedroom where I slept, together with its bath, was located on the northeast corner of the house. The two other bedrooms were on either side of a shared bath on the southeast corner. Kerry selected the bedroom nearest mine on the east side. It was slightly larger than the other one, and had a double closet and two large windows. The bedroom suite in that room was almost an antique - it had belonged to my grandmother, but it was not frilly and was sturdy enough for a little boy. The comforter on the bed was a deep green, as were the drapes, and the walls were painted a very light shade of blue-green. By his smile, I knew that Kerry loved it. He carefully hung up all his new clothes and put his underwear, T-shirts, and socks into drawers in the dresser. Last, he very lovingly removed his necklace and placed it in a small box on top of the dresser. He stroked the lid of the box very gently a few times before he called to me, "Come on, slowpoke, last one in the pool is a rotten egg."

I changed into my swim trunks, turned on the pool pump (which operated the waterfalls) and joined him in the pool. He was an excellent swimmer, and demonstrated several of his strokes to me. He especially seemed to like jumping into the pool from the surrounding rock wall; I allowed this as long as he entered the water feet first, and told him that when he grew up a little more that would have to stop, since the pool was only eight feet deep at its deepest point. He and I played several games of tag, "Shark," and "Marco Polo" before he came over to me and put his arms around my neck. "This is the most fun I have had in a long time," he said. "But I am tired now. Let's go take a nap."

We got out of the pool and went back inside. I changed into a pair of shorts and a T-shirt, and Kerry put on a pair of shorts and his favorite green polo shirt, along with his necklace. Both of us remained barefoot. Before I knew it, we were lying in my bed, and he was sound asleep, again snuggled up against me with his head on my shoulder and his leg draped over mine. I stayed with him for a while, but I got up when I heard the phone ringing.