Kerry

During her visit with us, Aunt Etta gave Kerry several pictures of his mother at various times of her life. In the most recent photograph of her, I could see on her face the anguish that years of pain from her cancer had caused, yet there was a determination in her eyes that I had seldom seen before. Kerry looked at each of the pictures and obviously recalled many memories of her which I could not share. Aunt Etta said that she had a nice framed picture of her and would send it back to Kerry after she got home to Chicago. Kerry cleared a spot on the wall in his room and reserved it for his mother's picture. I also took several photographs of Aunt Etta and Kerry together, and gave her copies of them.

I picked up my copies of the court decree on Wednesday morning, and that evening Kerry and I took Aunt Etta to the airport to catch a 6:17 p.m. flight back to Chicago. Both of us gave her a tearful good-bye, as she did to each of us. "Mike, I may never see either of you again, but you will both always be in my heart. Take care of each other, and love each other for me, will you?"

"We certainly will, Aunt Etta. You are also a part of us now, so if you ever need us for anything, just let us know."

"I might just do that," she answered with a bright smile. "Good bye, and God bless." She got on the plane, and we stayed at the terminal until we saw the plane take off.

My son and I got back into the car and went home.

Kerry received the portrait of his mother the following week. Aunt Etta passed away the next month. Kerry and I attended her funeral in Chicago, along with the rest of my family. The church was overflowing with mourners - she had obviously been a well known and very much admired lady. Although we were sad at losing her, we were uplifted by the beautiful service, and we left the church with smiles on our faces. Mr. Sanders, as expected, was nowhere to be found. 

Kerry and I seemed to grow even closer after Aunt Etta's funeral. It was as if he had finally put all his memories of his former family behind him and had totally committed himself to mine. We continued to be affectionate with each other and there was no doubt in the mind of anyone who knew us how much we loved each other. But Kerry was, after all, growing up, and after a few months, he began sleeping in his own room for the most part. He would sometimes come into my bed during the night for whatever reason, and he still occasionally slept with me all night, especially when he was lonely, worried, or confused about something. 

He also devoted more time and attention to music. He continued his piano studies with Marcia Adams, and his organ lessons with me. He took over playing the piano for the children's choir at church, and he joined the youth choir shortly afterward, and became their first soloist. I will admit to a somewhat biased viewpoint - after all, he was my son - but it seemed to me that when he sang the entire choir sounded much better. The other choir members obviously liked him, and several of them became his very close friends.

Darrell and Joe made good on their promise to finish out the attic area over my garage. They did a beautiful job, and ended up with three bedrooms plus a game room, a half bath, and a small sitting area upstairs. Dawn and Marie slept upstairs whenever they visited from then on, and Kerry, Kenneth, Larry, and their friends ensured that the game room was always full of laughter.

My adoption of Kerry was finalized shortly after he turned 12 years old, and he was so proud to have Newman as his surname. Roy and Doris and their family, Darrell, and Joe were in court with us, although only as spectators. Rev. Keller was also there, as were Larry and his parents, and Kenneth and his mother. We finished up at the courthouse about 4:00 in the afternoon and, since Kerry wanted to, we celebrated at a very nice restaurant that he had chosen, and with all the attention he got from me and the rest of the friends and family (especially Marie), he was walking on air. And I can't think of a single day of my life when I felt as proud. 

Shortly after he turned 14, Kerry came into my bed one night around midnight, saying he wanted to talk. He talked with me about his activities and the friends he had made in his past, what he was doing then at church, school, and with his music, and mostly about his dreams for his future. He spent a lot of time telling me exactly how he felt about me and the rest of the family, and how much each of us had meant to him. He thanked me for not giving in to him and having a sexual relationship with him when he was younger, even though he had wanted it at the time. He told me, "I thought I had to offer sex to find love. You taught me that the love between a father and a son can be warmer and stronger than I ever imagined. I know now that if we had had sex with each other back then, I probably wouldn't feel as close to you as a father now. You taught me that fathers don't love their sons that way, and now I know they never do. I'll have sex someday, I know I will, but only when both of us are ready for it, and it will be with someone I love dearly, someone very special, and I hope you will love her, too." This conversation remains the most memorable I have ever had with him because, as it turned out, it was the last time we slept together. The hug he gave me then still warms my heart, but there have been a lot of others since then, and our love is stronger now than it has ever been.

Kerry enthusiastically continued his music studies. His voice changed shortly after he turned 13, and after a few months of uncertainty, he developed a very powerful but mellow baritone voice. Again, my prejudice, but I thought it to be one of the best I had heard in a boy his age. He continued his accompaniment of the children's choir and singing in the youth choir in church, and, after graduating from elementary school, also sang in the a capella choir at his high school all four years. He was honored by being named to the All State Choir his junior and senior years, as well as receiving several individual awards at the district and regional levels all four years.

Kerry, Kenneth and Larry attended the same high school, and in their sophomore year Kerry and Larry joined the debate team. They both continued on the team throughout their high school years and, in their junior year, won their regional debate and won second place in the state competition. They were both very much looking forward to winning the state competition during their senior year, but unfortunately Larry had a conflict during the regional competition, and Kerry was paired with another member of the team who, while quite good, was not as forceful as was Larry. By a very close score, they placed second, and the team did not advance to state competition. 

Kerry maintained very good grades during high school and, at the age of 18, graduated as valedictorian of his class with a 3.97 GPA. He entered a major university to study piano and organ performance, with a minor in choral conducting, and graduated summa cum laude with special distinction in organ performance four years later. Now, at the age of 24, he is pursuing his doctorate in organ performance in Paris, and has played a number of recitals in Europe. He expects to earn his degree in about two years, and his girlfriend, Monica, is already planning their wedding. She will graduate with her degree in pharmacy next May. Kerry plans to return home for a month around that time, and they plan to be married during his visit. I see a lot of Monica - she is a very lovely girl, and I love her to death. She says that she is trying to take care of me so that Kerry will not be worried about me, and can concentrate on his music. I am sure that is at least partially true, but we have become very close over the last couple of years - she is the daughter I never had. I couldn't be happier with the choice Kerry made - she will make him a fantastic wife, every bit as good (well, almost as good) as Mary was to me. I am so happy for both of them. 

Kenneth and Kerry remained very close friends throughout their high school years, and he spent a lot of time at our house. He confided in me a great deal about his relationship with his father and about his sexuality. I am so happy that I was able to help him through a tough time in his life, and especially happy that we remain extremely close today. Unfortunately, his father could never accept his homosexuality, and they have not spoken to each other since Kenneth was 15 years old. I feel so sorry for his father, as he is missing out on having a really fantastic young man as his son. Kenneth graduated fourth in his class academically from high school, graduated magna cum laude from a major university, and now has his master's degree in theatrical costume and set design. He and his partner, a very fine young man named DeLoy Douglas, are living in New York, where Kenneth has worked as a costume and set designer on several off-Broadway productions, and DeLoy is quite successful as a financial consultant. They are obviously very happy together, and are in the talking stages of planning to adopt a child. I believe they would make outstanding parents, and I fully support them. They visit me whenever they are in town to visit Kenneth's mother, and I am so proud of him.

Larry graduated from college the same year as Kerry and is now in his second year of law school. He is married to a very nice girl named Sharon, and she is expecting their first child about three months from now. I see them two or three times each month, and they seem so happy with each other. His father, unfortunately, is dying from an inoperable brain tumor, and Larry worries about that, but they mended their relationship long ago, and have become very close now. I am glad they were able to do that. And his mother has become quite a strong woman. I suppose she had to, given her husband's situation, but she is very supportive of Larry and Sharon, and she is still supportive of her husband, too, but she dresses him down without effort when he doesn't want to take care of himself. She is excited about becoming a grandmother, and I have every confidence that she will be a good one.

Dawn has graduated from college, and is now pursuing her doctorate in clinical psychology. She wants to practice in the area of sports psychology. She was married last year to a very nice young man named Nicholas, whom I liked the minute I met him, and they are expecting their first child in about five months. Marie will graduate next year with her degree in architecture. She has already found a position with a major architectural firm on the west coast and is very excited about that. She is serving as an intern with the firm this summer, and loves it. Her boyfriend goes to the same college, majoring in business administration. No marriage plans as yet, but they seem to be made for each other. I couldn't be more pleased with the choices my granddaughters made.

My three older sons are well established in their careers, and Roy is even thinking of taking early retirement in the next few years so he and Doris can do some traveling. Doris was promoted to principal in her school system last year, and seems to like it. Darrell is now an executive vice president of his banking company, and Joe has owned his own construction company for about six years now.

Lynn's son turned out to be Joe's son, and he was named Timothy. Although Joe and Lynn decided it would not be best for them to marry, they are still close friends and have been working together all his life to support Timothy, and Joe is very much a part of his life. Timothy is a Boy Scout, holding the rank of Star, and is working toward his Life rank. He says he will have his Eagle rank in about two years, and given his determination and the support of all of us, I have no doubt that he will. He spends alternate weekends, two months every summer, and every other Thanksgiving and Christmas with Joe. I see a lot of him when he is with Joe, and the last few years he has, at his own initiative, spent a week or so during the summer with me. So far, he is my only grandson, but Timothy is still very much a special grandson to me, and I love him so dearly. And you should see him and Kerry together - they are almost like brothers themselves. All of us are so proud of him.

Two years ago, I retired as Director of Music at the church. I am now 72 years old, but I still play an occasional service for them when their new organist is not available for whatever reason, and he consults with me about a lot of situations that come up from time to time in the church. I stopped umpiring youth baseball games a few years back, but I still go to the ball park every once in a while and watch the children play. I still swim in the back yard pool, do some occasional wood working in the garage, and listen to a lot of music.

I am at peace with myself and, hopefully, with my God. I was never blessed with any children of my own, but I ended up with four sons - four very special, bright, sparkling diamonds - along with two adorable granddaughters and a very special grandson! As Joe once said, none of them were biologically mine, but I never knew the difference, and each of them would come to forget the difference. I like to think all of them did at some point. I have special memories of all my children's and grandchildren's childhood and the times we shared, all the joy and the love, all the experiences that combined to make us what we are today, and I wouldn't trade any of them for the world on a silver platter. They are all so special to me. But I still go to bed every night with empty arms that long for a very special little angel from long ago, and I am so proud of what that little angel has become.

Mary, for some reason, God is still letting me keep my breath for now. Who knows? Maybe He will someday send another little boy to my unlocked car on a dark night, so I am still kicking, and I still plan to be around to meet the grandchildren I get from Kerry and his wife. But I hope that happens soon, because I love you so much, I really do miss you, and I will see you soon, in God's time.