Boudreaux's 12 Days Of Christmas

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These are the responses Boudreaux got when he sent his true love, Clotile, the gifts of the twelve days of Christmas.

First Day – Partridge in a Pear Tree
Dear Boudreaux,
Tanks for de bird in de pear tree. I fix it las’ night wid dirty rice. I doan tink de pear tree will grow in de swamp, so I swap it for a Mayhaw.
Your true love,
Clotile

Second Day – Two Turtle Doves
Dear Boudreaux,
You letter say you sent two turtle doves, but all I got was two scrawny pigeons. Anyway, I mix dem wid andouille an made some gumbo outta dem.
Your true love,
Clotile

Third Day – Three French Hens
Dear Boudreaux,
Why doan you send some crawfish? I’m tired of dem darn birds. I gave two of dose prissy French chickens to Marie Trahan over to Gran Bayou. She needed sparring partners for her fighting rooster. I fed de other one to my dog, Phideaux.
Your love,
Clotile

Fourth Day – Four Calling Birds
Boudreaux,
Mon Dieux! I told you no more birds. Deez four, what you call dem, calling birds were so noisy you could hear dem all de way to Napoleonville. I used der necks for my crab traps, and fed de rest of dem to de gators.
Love,
Clotile

Fifth Day – Five Gold Rings
Hey Boudreaux,
You finally sent somethin’ useful. I like dem gold rings, me. I hocked dem at da pawn shop in Lafayette and got enuff money to fix da shaft on my shrimp boat an still have some to buy a round for de boys at de Raisin’ Cane Lounge. Merci Beaucoup!
Love,
Clotile

Sixth Day – Six Geese Laying
Mon Dieux Boudreaux!
Back to da birds, you coonass turkey! Poor egg suckin' Phideaux is scared to death at dem six geeeses. He tried to eat dem eggs and dey peck him half to death. Dey good at eating de cockroaches, though. I may stuff one of dem wit erster dressing on Christmas day.
Sincerely,
Clotile

Seventh Day – Seven Swans Swimming
Couchon Boudreaux!
I'm gonna wring your fool neck next time I see you. Thibodeaux, da mailman, is ready to kill ya. The merde from all dem birds is stinkin' up his mailboat. He afraid someone will slip on dat stuff and sue him good. I let those seven swans loose to swim on de bayou and some duck hunters from Mississippi blasted dem out of de water. Talk to you tomorrow .
Sincerely,
Clotile

Eighth Day – Eight Maids Milking
Boudreaux,
Poor ole Thibodeaux, he had to make tree trips on his mailboat to deliver dem 8 maids a milkin and their cows. One of dem cows got spooked by da hallimagators and almost tip over da boat.
I doan like dem shiftless maids, me no. I tolt dem to get to work guttin fish and sweeping the shack but dey say it weren't in dey contract. Dey probably think they to good ta skin dem nutrias I caught las night.
Sincerely,
Clotile

Ninth Day – Nine Ladies Dancing
What’s wrong wid you, Boudreaux?
Dem ain’t no ladies. Dat’s nine half nekkid floosies from Bourbon St. What you tink you doing sending me dem kind of women? And just how you met dem? You got some fast splaining to did, Boudreaux.
Clotile

Tenth Day – Ten Lords Leaping
You crazy or somethin’, Boudreaux?
Cheerio an pip pip. You 10 Lords a Leaping showed up today. As soon as dey gots here dey told me dey want tea with crumpets. I doan know what dat means but I says, “Well La Di Da. You get Chicory coffee or nuttin.” Mon Dieu, Emile. What I'm gonna feed all dese bozos? Dey too snooty for fried nutria, and de cows done et my turnip greens.
Clotile

Eleventh Day – Eleven Pipers Piping
Merci Beaucoup, Boudreaux!
You 11 pipers piping arrive today from the House of Blues, second lining as dey got off de boat. We fixed stuffed goose and beef jambalaya, and we having a fais-do-do. Guidry, Da new mailman he drink a bottle of Jack Daniel an he having a good time yeah dancing with de floozies. Thibodeaux, he jump off de Sunshine Bridge yesterday, screaming your name. If you get a mysterious, ticking package in de mail, doan open it man. I tink dis de bes’ gift you done sent.
Clotile

Twelfth Day – Twelve Drummers Drumming
I sorry to told you dis, Boudreaux.
I not your true love anymore, me no. After da fais-do-do, I spent de night with Jacque, de head piper. We decide to open a restaurant and gentleman's club on de bayou. De floozies, pardon me, Ladies Dancing can make $20 for a table dance, de lords can be waiters and dem crazy drummers you sent today can valet park de boats. Since de maids have no more cows ta milk, I trained dem ta set my crab traps, watch my trotlines, an run my shrimpin’ bidness. We probably gonna gross a million dollahs nex year.
Thank you for de bes’ Christmas ever,
Clotile

Now you know why Boudreaux and women don’t get along all that well, and why he is now married to Marie instead of Clotile.