You Pass This Way But Once

Now that his room light was on, I was able to see Seth’s face was swollen and discolored.  It would still be a while before it was totally black and blue, but I could still tell that Seth had been on the receiving end of several punches.  I had to fight back my rage and tears as I asked him what had happened.

“I was walking home from the library when something was draped over my head and a bunch of hands grabbed me.  I tried to fight back, but there were just too many of them and I didn’t stand a chance.  Some of them held my arms and legs while others punched and kicked me.  When they finished assaulting me, they had another surprise planned.” 

I looked at him confused, until he lifted up his shirt and showed me his chest.  Besides being bruised and discolored, the word ‘fag’ had been painted on his chest.

“And that’s not all they did either,” Seth added, as he reached down to unbutton his jeans.  Once he did that, he lowered them and his underwear for me to see his naked groin.  “They did this as well.” 

His attackers had also painted his genitals the same pick color as the writing on his chest.  It was also the same color that our football helmets and pads had been painted previously.

“Here’s the ratty old towel they threw over my head so I couldn’t identify them,” he added, as he tossed the towel to me.  “After they finished getting their jollies by doing those things, they hit me and kicked me some more, before the ran away and left me lying exposed in front of the library.  I couldn’t tell my parents what had happened without having to explain that I’m gay.  I still can’t do that, so I don’t know what to do.”

“I’ll just tell your dad you got beat up by some guys on the team that we’ve had problems with at practice,” I suggested.  “If he asks what it’s about, I’ll just tell him it’s because they’re afraid we’ll take the starting spots away from their friends.  I’ll also tell him I’m going to take you to spend the night at my house and then we’ll be able to get you cleaned up there.  I know my dad has some paint remover, so we can use that in the shower to get rid of the paint.  You get your things together and I’ll go talk to your dad.”

I went downstairs and explained our cover story to Seth’s father, but he didn’t want Seth to leave.  My dad then jumped in and helped me convince him that Seth would be better off with me to comfort him tonight, so Mr. Eldred reluctantly agreed.  Seth loaded his things into our car, and once we got to my house, we took my dad up to my room with us, so we could explain the real story to him.  He got us the things we needed and explained that paint thinner would be more appropriate to use and wouldn’t irritate Seth’s skin quite as severely as the paint remover would.  We thanked him and then I went with Seth into the bathroom, so I’d be able to assist him in any way I could.

Seth slowly removed the paint from his body, but at a price.  When he finished, his skin was all red, raw and irritated, but it also looked very sore.  Seth wouldn’t admit it, but I felt he was in a great deal of pain, not only from the beating, but also from the cleaning process as well.  After he was finished, we went back to my room to talk.

“Do you know who was there tonight?” I wanted to know.

“Not for sure, but with the same paint and after what happened at practice, I can only guess that it was Randy and his friends,” he told me.  “They’re not going to let up or stop, Logan, and it’s only going to get worse.  We’ll have to do something soon, before this happens again.”

“Seth, you’ve got to tell your father,” I urged.  “It’s only a matter of time now before he learns the truth some other way.  What if you had been harmed so badly that you had to be taken to the emergency room?  The doctor would have told him what was done to you and what was written on your body.  You’ve got to get this out in the open so he can help you.  We could transfer schools then and that would end this, at least for a while.”

“For a while, but how long will it be before it starts there too?” Seth countered.  “Guys in our school know guys from the other high schools too, so word will get out and we’ll be right back where we started.  The only difference will be that I’ll have to deal with my parents as well.  I’ve got enough problems now, without having to worry about how I’m going to be treated at home too.”

“What if they ended up supporting you?” I pressed.  “Then you’d have help in dealing with these problems.  You’d have someone else to turn to and you could discuss things with them too, even if the situation turns bad again later.”

“I’m telling you, Logan.  My dad isn’t going to accept this,” Seth reiterated.  “He’s just going to be another problem for me, not a solution.  I’m telling you that it’s better if he doesn’t find out about us.  I can’t explain how I know this, but I do.  My dad just isn’t the accepting type.”

I believed that Seth probably knew his father better than I did, so I accepted his version of reality, although I felt sorry for him.  I couldn’t imagine not being able to go to my dad about things such as this and found it difficult to picture what it must be like for Seth to not have that same kind of support system at home.  I wanted to cuddle with Seth and make him feel better, but I knew this wouldn’t be possible with the bruising from the beating and sensitive skin from removing the paint.  As much as I wanted to hold him and make him forget about his problems, I knew I could only console him verbally and attempt to soothe his pain by staying beside him.

The next morning, we got a call from Seth’s father and he asked us to wait for him until he got to my house.  When he arrived, we could see he was upset and we wondered what had happened.

“Seth, I got a phone call early this morning,” he began.  “Some guy told me that I should do something to convert my faggot son and get him away from his butt-fucking friend.  Can you explain to me what that was about?  Is it true?  Are you a fag?”

Seth just sat there, his mouth hanging open, but no words were coming out.  I could see the pained expression on his face and could tell from his father’s words that Seth’s assessment of his dad’s reaction to the news had been correct.  Mr. Eldred looked at me and I had a good idea of what was coming next. 

“How about you, Logan?  Can you shed any light on this topic?” he demanded.  “Are you the butt-fucking friend the guy was referring to?”

“Leave Logan out of this,” Seth screamed out.  “You have no right to speak to him like that.  He’s my friend and the only person I can trust.  He has stood by me through everything and you have no right to speak to him that way.  Yes, I’m gay and there’s nothing you can do to change that.  It’s just who I am.  I’ve had to accept it and you’re going to have to accept it too.”

“Accept it?   Like hell I’m going to accept it,” he spat out, as his eyes glared at us.  “You’re going to have to give up your little homo fling and bring yourself back to reality.  I’m not going to tolerate this, so you’re going to start acting straight, start going out with girls and you’re going to stop hanging around with the queers.  If that includes Logan, then you’re going to have to stop hanging out with him too.”

“I just can’t stop being gay,” Seth countered, emphatically.  “I didn’t choose to be this way, so I can’t just choose to give it up either.  I’ve tried to be straight and go out with girls, but they don’t do anything for me.  I’m just not attracted to them   I can’t change who or what I am just because you say so.”

“Don’t speak to me that way,” his father challenged.  “You’re my son and you’re going to do what I tell you.  As long as you’re a minor and living under my roof, then you will do what I tell you and do it when I tell you.”

“I may be a minor and I may live under your roof, but I can’t perform miracles.  I’ll listen to you and I’ll do what you say, but there is no way that I can ever be straight.  You can’t make love to a girl if you can’t get it up and girls just don’t make me hard.  I’m sorry, Dad.  I’m sorry I’m not the perfect son who’s exactly what you want.  I am who I am and I can’t become somebody else.  If you can’t love and accept me like this, then I’ll just have to leave, so you won’t have to worry about me anymore.”

“Enough of this bullshit,” his father screamed.  “You’re not going anywhere and you’re going to do exactly what I tell you, starting now.  Get your things and go to the car.  We’re going home and have a private discussion about how things are going to be in the future.” 

Seth went to my room to get his things and you could tell how much he was dreading this conversation.  It was extremely hard for him and I wasn’t sure if he’d be able to stand up under this kind of pressure.  Once he had disappeared, his father turned toward me next. 

“Logan,” Mr. Eldred continued, “I expect you to stay away from Seth from now on.  I don’t want to see or hear of you two being together at all.  Seth is going to be turning over a new leaf and you won’t be included in his life.”

I wasn’t able to respond, because I couldn’t think of anything to say in response to this kind of logic.  All I could do was feel sorry for Seth and think about what he was about to go through.  I hoped he might be able to call me later or possibly I could talk to him at school, but it was obvious that neither of us would be going to school today. 

After they left, I raced up to my room and attempted to evaluate everything that had happened.  It turned out to be the longest, slowest moving day that I’d ever had to endure, and when it was over, I was no closer to finding any answers.  My only hope was that my parents might be able to help me, once they got home from work.

I was relieved when I heard their cars pull into the driveway later, but gave them a chance to unwind a bit first, before I asked them to sit down with me.  Once they did, I told them about what had happened after they left the house that morning and explained all of the sordid details about Mr. Eldred’s tirade with Seth, along with what he said to me.  I also let them know how worried I was about Seth and wanted to know if either of them thought there was anything they could do to help. 

My parents were sympathetic, but not very optimistic about the situation, because Mr. Eldred was Seth’s father and, therefore, the person who would be making the decisions about what was best for him.  They said none of us would be able to interfere with how he handled the situation, unless Mr. Eldred asked for help or did something illegal or harmful to Seth.  This certainly didn’t make me feel any better, so I trudged back up to my room hoping Seth would call.  About an hour later, I heard the doorbell ring. 

“Ok.  Where the hell is he?”  I heard a voice demand and realized it was Mr. Eldred.  He was obviously looking for Seth.

“He’s not here and we haven’t seen him, if that’s what you’re asking,” my father replied.

“How about your son?  He must know where Seth is,” he challenged. 

I didn’t wait for my father to answer him this time.  Instead, I walked down the stairs and confronted him myself. 

“I haven’t seen or heard from Seth since you dragged him off this morning,” I spat out.  “This is your fault, because you treated him like dirt this morning.  You think you can just bark out orders and everything will be fine, but it doesn’t work that way.  Now, he’s probably run away and who knows where he is or what he’s doing.”

“Don’t you dare speak to me like that you little faggot,” he screamed. 

“And don’t you dare to speak to my son like that, you fucking asshole,” my father screamed back.  “Logan is correct.  You created your own problems with your intolerance, as well as your lack of understanding and compassion.  If your son has run away, then it’s because of how you treated him and not anything that my son did.  If you’d like our help, then fine.  You may ask for it and we’ll see what we can do.  If not, I want you to remove yourself from my premises.  It’s up to you.” 

I’d never heard my father speak to anyone like that before, so I was totally shocked.  My dad is usually such a laid back, easy-going guy and I’d never seen him this riled up before.

“You can all go to hell then,” Mr. Eldred snapped back, “but don’t you dare let me find out Seth is staying here with you or I’ll press charges with the police.  Not only that, but I’ll sue you for every cent you have.”

“Get the fuck out of my house and take your lame threats with you,” my dad ordered.  “The next time you set foot on my property, then I’ll have your sorry ass arrested for trespassing.  Now get lost, you sorry excuse for a human being.”

Mr. Eldred turned around and left in a huff, while my father continued to spit and sputter for another few minutes.  During that time, I called Robbie to see if he had seen or heard from Seth, because he was the only other person I could think of that Seth might try to contact.  Unfortunately, Robbie told me he hadn’t had any contact with Seth since we got back from camp, although he did assure me that he’d let me know if he found out anything in the future.  I thanked him and hung up, but now I was really concerned about my best friend.  I tried to think of anyone else he might turn to or anyplace he might try to go, but I only drew blanks.  I said a special prayer for him that night and asked God to protect and look after him, no matter where he might be.

I slept very poorly that evening and woke up with every little noise I heard.  I spent a great deal of the time I was awake staring out my bedroom window and hoping that Seth might come by, but he never showed up.  This only made me worry even more about him, as the night progressed into dawn.  I couldn’t imagine where he might be or how he was surviving out there all by himself.

In the morning, I rushed around and was ready to go to school early.  Even though my parents didn’t think this was a good idea and wanted me to stay home again, I felt I had to go and see if Seth was there by any chance.  I waited for him outside and watched for any clue that might signal he was nearby, so I was pretty much oblivious to everything else that was going on around me.  This included the lame attempts to make light of my sexuality. 

All I could think about was Seth, as I wondered how he was surviving on his own.  I couldn’t concentrate in any of my classes and told the coach that I wouldn’t be at practice again.  I went home and sat by the phone after school and waited for Seth to call.  I never moved more than ten feet from it until my parents arrived home later.  I asked if they had heard anything about Seth, but they told me they hadn’t.  That was not what I wanted to hear.

I was frantic now.  It had been nearly two days since Seth had taken off and he still hadn’t contacted me.  Where was he?  What was he doing?  How was he surviving?  I was beginning to get physically ill from worrying about him and my stomach was in knots.  My heart was aching and I couldn’t focus mentally on any task.  If I didn’t hear something about him soon I thought I might literally explode.  When the phone rang, I immediately pounced on it.

“Hello.”

“Logan?  This is Timmy.”

“Timmy?  Oh, I’m sorry.  I was hoping it was Seth,” I replied, sounding disappointed.  “He’s been gone for almost two days now and I’m worried sick about him.  He had a big fight with his father and took off.  I’m scared, Timmy, and I’m worried that something bad has happened to him.”

“I know.  That’s why I’m calling,” he explained.  “Seth is here with me and he wanted to let you know he’s all right.  Hold on and I’ll let you talk to him.” 

My head was spinning.  How the hell did he get to Timmy’s house?  Timmy lives a couple of hours away from here.

“Logan.  I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you what I was up to before I left,” Seth apologized.  “I was afraid my father would find out where I was going and come after me.  What’s happened since I took off?”

“Your dad came over here the night you left and was making all kinds of threats and accusations,” I replied.  “My dad lost it and threw your father out of our house.  He even swore at your dad and I’d never even heard him use that kind of language before.  It was really wicked and you’d have loved it.  So when are you coming back?”

“I don’t know Logan.  I don’t think I can come back there and face my father again,” he explained.  “Timmy’s folks are being really good to me and they’ve been very understanding.  They knew that Timmy was gay before I got here, so it wasn’t a big shock for them to find out about me.  I told them everything that happened to us since camp and they were very sympathetic.  I know I can’t stay here forever, but I don’t know what else I can do.”

“I can get my dad to drive me there this weekend and then you can come back here and stay with us,” I offered. 

“And go back to the same school with the same bigots and be near my dad again?” he countered.  “I don’t know if I can handle that.”

“Look, how long are Timmy’s parents willing to let you stay there?” I asked. 

“I’m not sure if I can tell you in terms of days, weeks or anything like that,” he answered.  “They just told me I could stay with them until things quieted down or until I could work things out at home, like that might actually happen.”

“Aren’t your parents supposed to be going away for a week or weekend?” I wondered, since I suddenly remembered he’d told me something like that a while back. 

“Yes.  They leave a week from this Saturday,” he confirmed.  “It’s got something to do with my dad’s job and I think he won the trip at work or something.  They’ll be gone for a week.”

“Great.  Then if we pick you up this weekend and then you’ll just have to lay low for a week before they leave,” I offered.  “Seth, I’m dying here without you.  I’ve been so worried about you that I was actually getting sick.  Just say ‘yes’ and we’ll be there this weekend.  Ok?”

“Yeah, I guess I shouldn’t sponge off of Timmy’s family for too long,” he agreed.  “I just don’t want to see my dad right away.”

“Don’t worry.  My dad’s not going to let him in here,” I stated.  “They were both really hot and making all sorts of threats the evening you left.”

“I’m sorry that you and your family got dragged into my family problems,” he apologized again. 

“You’re my family too,” I countered.  “Your problems are also my problems and my parents feel the same way.  You’re not alone in this and we’ll help you any way we can.

“Thanks, Logan.  I know I can always count on you,” he added. 

“Hey, let me talk to Timmy for a minute before we hang up,” I told him. 

“Yeah?” It was Timmy being Timmy. 

“Timmy I know you can’t say much, so I’ll try to ask questions you can answer with a yes or no,” I explained.  “Is Seth really ok?  I’m mean emotionally, as well as physically.”

“Yeah,” he confirmed. 

“Will your parents let him stay there until this weekend?” I wanted to know.  “If they will, then I’ll get my dad to drive me there and pick him up on Saturday.”

“Yeah, everything’s fine,” he offered. 

“I know that I shouldn’t ask this of you, but Seth needs to relax and forget about what’s been happening in his life,” I began.  “So do you think you can help him with this and get his mind off of his problems?  You know what I mean.”

“Yeah, I know and I planned on doing that already,” he confessed.  “Don’t worry, Logan.  We’ll take good care of Seth until he goes back home.  Remember, I love him too, maybe not as much as you, but I’ll take care of him and we’ll return him in good shape.  Maybe you could see if Robbie wants to come with you when you pick Seth up, because I’d kind of like to see him too.”

“Ok.  I’ll call him tomorrow and see what he has to say,” I agreed.  “We’ll see you Saturday, but give Seth a kiss and some loving from me too.”

“I will, so don’t worry,” he concurred.  “We’ll see you on Saturday.  Bye.”

I felt better now that I knew Seth was safe and I’d see him again soon.  I explained my plan to my dad and he agreed to drive me to Timmy’s to pick Seth up.  I think my mom and dad were as relieved as I was to learn where Seth was and that he was doing fine.  Now, we just had to plan what we’re going to do after that and decide how we were going to deal with his father.