You Pass This Way But Once

That night at home I wasn’t very talkative, because all I could think about was my reaction to Seth.  Could I truly be gay?  What would I do if I were?  All sorts of other questions kept popping into my mind as well, so I decided I’d just have to get my dad alone and ask him some questions.  I know what you’re thinking.  How could I talk to him about something like this?  Well, my dad’s really cool and very easy to talk to.  He doesn’t overreact about most things and is generally very thoughtful, insightful and supportive in conversations of this nature.  He had already given me my pre-puberty sex talk and it was then that I became comfortable asking him questions about sex, although none of those questions were about being gay.  I was sure he would handle this the same way and, besides, whom else could I trust enough to talk to them about this problem?

I went downstairs to find him and he was sitting in the living room reading the evening newspaper.  Slowly, I approached his chair and spoke. 

“Dad, I need to talk to you,” I said, succinctly. 

“Fine, have a seat then,” he offered, while pointing toward the ottoman. 

“No, Dad.  I need to talk to you in private,” I pointed out.  “Can we go up to my room?”

“I’m not sure what needs to be kept so secret, but all right,” he agreed, so we ascended the stairs to my bedroom.

“So what the big secret, tiger?” he wondered, once I’d shut the door behind us. 

“Dad, I’ve got a big problem and I need your help,” I began. 

“So what’s this big problem?” he asked, while looking at me and wondering what could be wrong. 

“Dad, it’s… well… it’s just… oh, Dad.  I don’t know how to say this,” I rambled, totally confused and embarrassed. 

“Why don’t you just try to say it straight out and don’t hesitate,” he suggested, while trying to get me to relax

“Dad, I think I’m gay.  There I’ve said it,” I informed him, as I immediately lowered my face and looked at the floor. 

“So what makes you think you’re gay?” he countered, although he didn’t seem to hesitate or act surprised.

“I’m really attracted to this new boy at school and I get… you know… all messed up when I see him,” I explained, although not very clearly. 

“I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me,” my dad stated, and when I looked up again, he appeared confused. 

“It’s like this, Dad.  My dick gets really hard when I see him without his clothes on and I think about him like that all of the time,” I offered.  “I’m obsessed with him and his naked body.”

“That doesn’t mean you’re gay,” he countered, while looking at me sympathetically.  “It just means that you’re a young man who has reached puberty and is beginning to get excited about sexual things.”

“No, Dad.  I wish it was as simple as that, but I know that I’m gay,” I replied.  “I just can’t get Seth out of my mind.  Heck, I even dream about doing things with him and last night I stayed hard most of evening and even had a wet dream because of him.” 

“Maybe you’re bisexual then and are attracted to both sexes,” he offered.  “This does have to mean you’re gay.” 

“I don’t think so, Dad,” I countered.  “I never think about girls this way and don’t get all excited when I see their naked bodies.  The only time this has ever happened is with Seth.” 

“Well, what would be the big deal if you were gay?” my dad reasoned. 

“Be real, Dad.  Do you know what the other guys would do to me if they found out I was a homo?” I responded, hoping he could see and understand my predicament. 

“Do you really care what the other boys think, say or act?” he wondered. 

“Are you kidding?  YES I care,” I answered, not really believing he’d even asked this.  “They’ll be calling me names, making jokes about me, whispering things to each other and some of them might even want to beat me up because of it.”

“Logan, if you are gay, then there is nothing you can do to change that fact,” he offered.  “You’ll just have to accept it and do the best you can.  You are what you are, so you’re going to have to learn how to deal with those other boys the best way you can.”

“But, Dad.  You don’t understand.  I don’t WANT to be gay,” I confessed, while trying to make him understand. 

“Logan, how can I put this so you’ll understand?  If you are gay, then I know of no proven therapy or procedure that would be able to alter this fact,” he confirmed, although it wasn’t what I wanted to hear.  “If you’re bisexual, however, then you might be able to repress your gay feelings, but if you’re truly gay, well, I don’t see any way around it, except unless you decide to remain celibate.”

“What’s that?” I demanded, while hoping this was the answer I was seeking. 

“That means you would choose to stay away from sex all together,” he replied.  “That way, you won’t be gay, you won’t be bisexual and you won’t be straight, because you won’t be having sex at all.”

“That’s my only choice?” I shouted, since I didn’t like how this sounded. 

“Yes.  That’s it, at least it’s the only thing that I know of,” he confirmed. 

“But that’s not fair,” I whined, feeling defeated. 

“Maybe it isn’t, but life is definitely not fair,” he offered, as sympathetically, yet as firmly as he could.

“Why not?” I wanted to know. 

“It just isn’t,” he answered.  “If life was fair, then we wouldn’t have rich people or poor people and just have people who were financially comfortable.  No one would be hungry or homeless and no one would be lonely or unloved.  Good people wouldn’t die young and there wouldn’t be any children being abused or taken advantage of.  Seeing there are people who suffer from these problems, then I think it’s reasonable to conclude that life isn’t fair.”

“But how does that help me?” I wondered.  “I only have one problem and it’s just that I don’t want to be gay.”

“Look son.  Sometimes life just deals you a bum hand,” he told me.  “If this is the worst thing that ever happens to you, then you should count yourself among the fortunate few, because you have your health, your family and you are loved.  Being gay isn’t life threatening, well not in and of its self, so if life gives you lemons, then you have to learn how to make lemonade.  In your case, that means if you’re gay, then you’ll have to learn to do the best with it that you can.  You will have to find a way to make yourself happy, while at the same time keeping it from doing you any harm.”

“Wouldn’t it just be easier for me to pretend that I’m straight then?” I wondered. 

“Logan don’t take this the wrong way, but this situation brings to mind an old expression one of my coaches used to tell us.  ‘You can’t make chicken salad out of chicken shit.’  What this means is that you can’t just make what you want, unless you have the correct ingredients.  In your case, this means you can’t merely hope or pretend to be straight, if you don’t have the appropriate feelings or attractions.  In other words, you can’t make love to a girl or a woman if you don’t enjoy seeing their naked bodies and your penis doesn’t become erect from this arousal.  That would be like trying to use a cooked piece of spaghetti to unlock a door.”

“Then what am I going to do?” I demanded. 

“Have you thought about talking to this boy, ah… what’s his name, about how you feel?”

“His name is Seth and NO I can’t talk to him about it,” I replied, adamantly. 

“Why not?” he wanted to know. 

“What if he’s not gay?” I reasoned.  “If he isn’t, then he’ll hate me and tell everyone else about me.  I’d not only lose him as a friend, but I’d probably lose all of my other friends as well.”

“If you don’t tell him, then you’ll never have the chance to find out if you could be friends or even lovers,” my dad countered.  “Life is all about taking chances and sometimes you have to take a risk to get what you want.”

“And sometimes you take a chance like that and lose,” I pointed out. 

“That’s true, but you’ll never find out if either one will come to pass unless you take that chance,” he offered.  “Logan, I think you know the old saying, ‘nothing ventured, nothing gained,’ which means something very similar to another expression I’ve told you before.  ‘You pass this way but once.’  This means you only get one life and one chance to live it.  No matter what you do, you won’t be able to go back in time later, so you can relive a moment in your life over again. 

“Let me explain it this way,” he continued.  “Whatever chances you have today, once you make your decisions as to whether you are going to act on those opportunities or not, then you’ll probably discover that similar opportunities may never present themselves to you again.  In other words, what you decide today will affect all of your tomorrows, so I want you to think about this carefully.  No matter what you decide to do about this now, it will most likely set the course for the rest of your life.  Even inaction is a choice that can effect how the remainder of your life will go.”

“Dad, I’m not old enough to make this decision, so I need your help,” I whined.  “So PLEASE help me.”

“I can only point out your possible choices, but then you’ll have to make the decision for yourself,” he told me.  “I have to live with the results of the choices that I make for myself, and I’m fine with that, but the same will apply in your case too.  You shouldn’t be saddled with regrets from the results of decisions that others might attempt to make for you, no matter how well intentioned they are.”

“Ok, then what are my choices?” I asked, since I’d resigned myself to the fact that I had no other options. 

“Good.  I’m glad to see you’re ready to address this problem,” he stated.  “As I see things, you have four possibilities.  First, you can pretend the problem doesn’t exist, which means you won’t tell Seth how you feel, so you’ll never discover how he feels about you.  By doing this, you’ll never have the opportunity to gain a lover or lose a friend, because you’ll merely be hiding your feelings and not acting upon your desires.

“The second choice would be that you tell Seth how you feel and he rejects your sexual advance.  Although he doesn’t want to be your lover, he still is willing to be your friend.  He says nothing to anyone else and no one ever finds out that you’re gay, at least not from him.

“The third choice would be that you tell Seth how you feel and he rejects you completely.  This time you’d know there was no future for the two of you, but you’d also have to deal with the rejection, the loss of a friend or friends and the possibility of ridicule, physical abuse or worse.

“The final choice would be that you tell Seth how you feel and then discover that he feels the same way about you.  You might become lovers and stay together for a long time or you may just merely enjoy a brief, but intense fling.  That is how I see your options and I can’t imagine any others.  The rest will be up to you and you’ll have to decide which option you wish to select and then wait to see which outcome it follows.

“To sum up your choices: you can do absolutely nothing, you can approach Seth and be rejected without any additional repercussions, you can approach Seth and be rejected with severe consequences or you can approach Seth and discover he feels the same way about you.”

“I don’t know dad.  I’m still not sure what to do,” I admitted.  “What would you do if you were me?”

“Logan, if this decision were mine I’d talk to Seth and let the chips fall where they may, but this is your choice, not mine.”

“But where would I tell him?  I certainly couldn’t do this at school,” I moaned. 

 “Why don’t you invite him here for the weekend and then you’ll have all the time you need to discuss this with him,” my dad suggested.

“Yeah, that would be great,” I concurred.  “So you wouldn’t mind if I asked him to stay over then.”

“No, not at all and I’ll fill your mother in about what’s going on,” he confirmed.  “Be brave Logan.  I know this was a tough decision, but it’s going to be even tougher to see it through.  Keep up your courage and follow your heart.  If it’s meant to be, then it will happen.  If not, you’ve lost nothing except the uncertainty of what the future might hold.”

“Dad, I really want to do this, but I’m still scared that Seth will end up hating me,” I confessed.  “So how do you think I should tell him?”

“You could tell him just like you told me,” he offered. 

“No, that’s too… well it’s too… direct,” I reasoned.  “I can’t just say ‘hey, Seth, guess what?  I’m gay and I like you a lot.  Would you be interested in having sex with me?’  Can I?”

“Well that might be a bit too forceful and direct, but maybe you could see if he might want to do something minor with you,” he replied. 

“Like what?” I asked, because I had no idea what he was getting at. 

“If I remember correctly, boys your age sometimes masturbate together, as sort of a learning experience,” he stated.  “Maybe you could ask him if he’d like to try doing something like that?”

“You think I should ask him if he wants me to jerk him off?” I countered, unsure. 

“Not exactly,” he responded.  “You could ask him if he does it, and when he says he does, then ask him if he wants to do it at the same time.  You each do it to yourself, but at the same time, so each of you can see what the other is doing.  After you’ve started, then you might ask him if he wants to do you or if you could do him and see what he says then.”

“But what if he says no?” I wondered, still not exactly sure how this might work out. 

“Then you’ll know that he’s not interested in participating in that sort of activity, but don’t just listen to his words though,” my father continued.  “Watch his face closely, so you can study his expressions, but also watch how he holds his body and how it reacts to pick up other clues.  He might say one thing, but mean another and you might be able to tell this by looking at his facial expressions and studying his body language, to see if he really means what he says or if he is just saying this because he is fearful about how you might react.”

“Dad, I’m not sure I’ll be able to handle it if he turns me down,” I admitted.  “I mean he’s all I think about.  He’s the only one that I care for in this way, because I’ve never had these feelings about anyone else before, just him.”

“I know, Logan.  First loves can prove to be either very painful or a very joyous experience,” my dad commiserated.  “Your insides get all tied up in knots, you have trouble breathing and you can’t think about anything else.  Your heart is always racing, you’re constantly sweating and your little buddy is always rock hard.  It’s a real tough time as you’re going through adolescence, but just remember that you’re going to fall in love many times during your lifetime.  Some of these loves will work out, at least for a short time, and others won’t.”

“But I don’t want to lose him,” I whined.

“If this one doesn’t become what you want it to be, then just remember there will be others that will,” my dad added.  “You’ll just have to be patient and take things as they come.  You can’t force a relationship that isn’t meant to be, because if you do, then it will only fall apart later.  Talk to him honestly, go with your gut instincts and follow your heart, but don’t try to make something happen if there is nothing there.”

“I think I understand what you’re saying, Dad, so I hope that I can do what you’ve told me,” I concurred.  “Thanks.  I’m really glad you’re my dad, because I’ve heard other guys talk about their fathers and most say they can’t talk to them about things like this.  I’m not sure what I would do if I didn’t have you to rely on.  Thanks again, Dad.  You know that I love you.”

“Yes, Logan, I know and I hope this works out the way you want it to,” he stated. 

“So do I, dad.  So do I,” I agreed.

I stayed in my room after my dad left and thought about Seth some more.  I went over in my mind exactly what I was going to say, how I was going to do it and then I considered the various ways he might react.  I fell asleep with all of these thoughts still racing through my mind.

Thursday morning, I got ready for school, but I was extremely nervous just thinking about how I was going to ask Seth to stay over.  If I’m this nervous just thinking about asking him such a simple question, then I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to ask him about the other stuff.  Man, I’m already shaking and I haven’t even seen Seth yet.  What the hell is going to happen when we’re face to face?  Dad drove me to school today, instead of Mom, and he wished me luck when I got out of the car.  I thanked him again and then went off to face my destiny.

I saw Seth in our first period class and he was all cheerful and full of smiles.  I wanted to ask him then, but there were just too many other people around, so I waited.  I saw him again in third period and then again at lunch, but all of our other friends kept butting in and wouldn’t let us talk or be alone.  Then, I had an opportunity in seventh period, but it passed by before I worked up the courage to say anything.  Eighth period study hall also went by and now we were in our last period art class.  Even though I kept looking for a chance to say something, there was no opportunity during this class either, so I grabbed his arm when the period ended and kept him behind in the classroom.

“What’s up, Logan?” he asked, with a look of surprise on his face. 

“I just wanted to talk to you alone for a minute,” I began.  “How would you like to come over to my house tomorrow and spend the weekend?”

“I probably could come for tomorrow night and Saturday,” he replied, “but I’d have to go home on Sunday.  We already have family plans.”

“That’s ok with me, if you want to come over?” I agreed, while letting out an inaudible sigh of relief. 

“Yeah, that sounds great,” he confirmed. 

“Good.  Then check with your parents tonight and give me a call at home later, so you can let me know for sure,” I suggested.  “If you can stay over, then bring your things with you to school tomorrow, so you’ll have everything you need when one of my parents picks us up after practice.”

“Sounds like a plan,” he said, while flashing me a huge grin. 

Now that this was settled, we left the classroom and went to practice.  We both looked really good during the drills and then we headed back inside to shower.  I was going to stay behind and wait until Seth had a chance to shower first, before I went in to join him, but he wasn’t about to leave me behind this time. 

“Come on, slowpoke,” he urged.  “What’s the problem?”

“I’m just a little tired and sore,” I offered, lamely.  “I’m not moving quite as quickly as I normally do.”

“I don’t know what the problem is, but you’ve been moving slow a lot lately,” he countered and then paused.  “Well, let’s get going, because I don’t want to stand here like this all night.”

He would have to say that, because it made me look up to see his lithe, naked torso standing right in front of me.  I immediately began to pop another rod, so I threw the towel over my lap to cover it up.  I just hoped Seth hadn’t noticed my predicament.  I had been lucky before, but I was beginning to wonder how long my good fortune was going to hold out.

“You know,” Seth began, “you really ought to do something about that thing.”

Oh, god.  He had noticed it, so I was caught.  I must have turned beat red, because I felt my face and ears start to burn from the embarrassment.

“Hey,” Seth continued.  “You don’t have to get so uptight about it.  It happens to all of us.  I just thought it was nice that it keeps happening when I’m around.”

Oh, damn!  He knows.  What the hell am I going to do now?  How is he going to react to me now that he knows I’m getting boners because of him?  Oh, god.  I’m going to die.

“Come on,” he urged.  “If you let the water run a little colder in the shower, then it will help you get rid of that thing.  You don’t have to be embarrassed around me though.  I don’t mind that it happened.  You’re my friend and shit like that doesn’t bother me, so put it in gear and let’s get cleaned up, because I want to get the hell out of here.