JC's Hitchhiker

 

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CHAPTER 121

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JACK'S POV: 

"I love you, baby," I said, holding the phone tightly. "I love you, and I'll be back with you tomorrow, ok? I swear. If I could fly out tonight and meet you guys, I would. I swear, Josh, I'll be right there when you walk offstage tomorrow, ok?" 

"OK," Josh said, his voice tight. "I'm sorry. It's just, with all the stuff going on, it's hard, Jack. I miss you so much." 

He sounded like he might start crying, and my own chest felt tight. I could see him pacing around his suite, his face downturned, and I could hear Junior in the background. 

"I miss you, too," I sighed. "I wish I was there to help you." 

"It's ok, baby, it's ok," Josh said quickly, as if hearing the tone in my voice. His own voice smoothed out a little. "I feel better just talking to you, Jack. I wish you were here, though." 

"I know," I said, feeling helpless. "Try to get some rest, ok? Just remember that I love you, and I'll be home soon." 

"I love you, too," Josh sighed. "I'll talk to you tomorrow, ok?" 

"Call me whenever you need to," I said. "I miss you, I love you, and I want you to get some sleep, ok?" 

"OK," he said, and I heard the click of the phone hanging up. I wondered if I should call Chris, and ask him to check on Josh, but I thought that he could probably use his rest, too, and decided not to. I'd be there tomorrow. Josh just had to make it through one night without me. 

Josh had called me in tears, because he had a nightmare while he was napping in his suite that my plane had crashed, and when he woke up he needed to know it wasn't true. He was terrified that it was, that he would never talk to me or see me again, and I spent about ten minutes talking him down, and assuring him that I was safe, I was with Andrew, and that I would be fine. When he finally got himself under control, sheepishly apologizing, I told him over and over that it was ok, and that he didn't have to feel sorry about it, and then he explained everything else that was wrong, too. Chris missed Vlada and Joey missed Bri, so the two of them were down the whole day, too, and the three of them had just fed off of each other. Then, even more upsetting, Justin had insisted on his own suite, which, according to Josh, left Lance moody and snapping at the rest of them, and finally Josh had retreated to his room to sleep, unable to deal with all of the other turmoil, and that's when he'd had the nightmare. 

"You ok?" Andrew asked, leaning over my table. I had already given my talk, and we were now at the restaurant, waiting for Kevin. Andrew was at a table nearby, which he would presumably share with Kevin's bodyguard. I folded my phone up, sliding it into my pocket, and shook my head. 

"Not really," I answered, sighing. "Josh isn't having a good day, and I don't want to be here. Half of it is that I'd rather be with Josh, and the other half is that I just don't want to talk to Kevin." 

"If you don't want to talk to him, why don't you just cancel?" Andrew asked. "I mean, you look like crap. What the hell could be this important?" 

"Band stuff," I answered. I was always unsure of how much Andrew knew. He was bound by a confidentiality agreement, but that didn't mean I wanted him to be in everyone's business. I didn't really want Kevin in it, either, but it looked like I didn't have much of a choice on that one. 

"You're not in the band," Andrew said, and I didn't argue it, even if it was beside the point. 

"Neither is Kevin," I said, glancing up. "They're here. Order whatever you guys want to eat, and you don't have to talk to his bodyguard if you don't want to." 

"Jack, whatever it is you're talking to Kevin about, you'll be ok," Andrew said, patting my arm. "You're tough, and besides, he's a Backstreet Boy, for God's sake. Even you could kick his ass." 

"Thanks," I said, grinning in spite of everything. "You really should look into that career as a motivational speaker." 

I knew Andrew was trying to cheer me up, but our banter just wasn't going to cut it this time. It felt empty and hollow, kind of the way that I felt as I watched the hostess lead Kevin and his bodyguard across the restaurant. Kevin's face was completely unreadable to me, firm and serious, and I stood as he approached the table, shaking his hand as if nothing was wrong, and this was just one of our regular dinners with friends. Josh and I had hung out and double dated with Kevin and his wife several times since meeting him on our honeymoon, and I wondered now if that really had been a good idea after all. Maybe we should have listened to Chris when he warned us that it wasn't really possible for us to be friends with Kevin and just pretend that Nick and Howie didn't matter. 

"Kevin," I said carefully, waiting. 

"Jack," he nodded, sitting, and I returned to my seat as well. 

Neither of us spoke as we looked through the menus. We were in the back of the restaurant, almost in a private alcove. The nearest table, where Andrew and Kevin's bodyguard were making a show of trying to be more vigilant and intimidating, was several feet away, and Kevin and I would be able to talk without worrying that anyone would hear us. The waitress came back to take our orders, and then returned with our drinks, and still we sat, neither of us really knowing how to start. Kevin shifted uncomfortably in his seat, taking a breath, and I cut him off, not sure of why I wanted to start first, but figuring idly that it probably had something to do with wanting the upper hand. It's amazing what your rambling mind will babble to when you're nervous. 

"Do you want to eat first?" I asked. "Or just get right down to it?" 

"Why did you attack Nick?" Kevin blurted. I guess that was his answer. 

"Why did you bring him to that party?" I barked back. "You knew something was wrong! You told us in Detroit, in the airport, that you knew Justin and Nick had a falling out. Why did you invite him to come to that party with you?" 

I realized that I was a little loud, especially for a restaurant, and I glanced over to see Kevin's bodyguard glaring at me as if he wanted to jump up and grab me. Across the table, Andrew was glaring at him, waiting for him to make a move for me, and I shuddered to think of the publicity, and then shuddered to catch myself thinking about that. Across from me, Kevin's bottle green eyes flashed with tension, and I wondered how to defuse it, right before I wondered if I even wanted to. Right then, at that moment, having Kevin dare to question me made it seem like he was taking Nick's side, like he was helping Nick, and despite our friendship I wanted to hurt him, the way Nick had hurt all of us. I tried to ignore it, to push it away, but it was still there. 

"For the record, MTV invited Nick to that party, not me," Kevin said icily. "And I didn't know that whatever happened between the two of them was so bad. How was I supposed to know?" 

"You could have asked," I answered. 

"I told you," Kevin began, and I cut him off. 

"Yeah, you told me," I snapped. "You told Josh and I that you didn't really want to ask, because of the way Nick is, and that you didn't think it was your place. Nice cop out, Kevin." 

"What is that supposed to mean?" Kevin demanded. "Now you're pissed because I didn't ask? You're the one who suggested we ignore it and just be friends." 

"That was a stupid suggestion," I said. "I freely admit that it was a dumb idea. We can't really ignore what your friends are like. That's pretty obvious." 

I was getting more pissed at him by the minute, and leaned back in my chair, crossing my arms. Why couldn't he just realize he was wrong? 

"That's a really great attitude, Jack," Kevin said, shaking his head. "If I recall correctly, you're the one who said I shouldn't be judged based on my bandmates. Is that ringing a bell?" 

I sighed, remembering, annoyed that he was pointing out my hypocrisy. Damn it, having him use my words against me like I had with him took some of the wind out of my sails. 

"Yes," I admitted, accepting another drink from the waitress. I didn't even remember draining the one I had, but I was pretty upset. "Yes, I said that, but that was before you brought him with you to that party." 

"So we're back to that," Kevin said, frowning. "You're holding something against me that I didn't even know about." 

"You should have," I said. "You took the easy way out, Kevin. You knew something was wrong, and I think you knew it was bad. Howie and Lance broke up, for God's sake, and you didn't think to ask why? Exactly what kind of a friend are you, Kevin?" 

"I don't think you have any right to question my friendship, or my character," Kevin snapped. "At least I've never resorted to violence. I'm not the one strangling people in a bathroom." 

"Maybe it was justified," I said. "You wouldn't know, since it wasn't your place to ask." 

I realized as we glared at each other that Kevin and I weren't going to walk out of this room still friends. We weren't going to talk this through and get over it, because I didn't really want to. I'd just realized as soon as I blurted it out that Kevin wouldn't really be a good friend to Josh and I, no matter how much he seemed like one. Maybe there were things about their band that I didn't know, but I knew that if I said I loved someone, I would try to help them with their pain. Kevin said he loved Nick and Howie, even if he also said that he didn't particularly like them, and it sounded like he just left them alone to deal with their problems. It was the difference between saying you were someone's brother, and actually being one. It sort of explained some of what was wrong with Nick, and with Howie, if this was the way the people closest to them acted. 

I felt something bitter twist inside my chest as I realized I felt, just for a second, the slightest bit sorry for them. I looked up at Kevin again, at his smiling good humor, and wondered how Josh and I both could have been so blinded. He really was just as bad as the rest of them, but he covered it well. 

"I'm asking now," Kevin said. "Doesn't that count for something?" 

"Extremely little," I said, crossing my arms. "Why did you come here? Why did you want to talk to me?" 

"Because I want to know what happened," Kevin answered, frowning. I think he caught something in my face, because I saw his hardening a little as well. "I want to know what Howie won't talk about, and what Nick won't talk about, and why you tried to strangle Nick. I want to know why Joey punched him, and why he just gave up when all of you told him to leave. Jack, what happened? What happened between the two of them and all of you while you were at the resort?" 

"What did they tell you?" I asked, leaning back. I wasn't just going to hand him the story. "It'll save time if I know what's already been covered." 

"I guess that's fair," Kevin said. "Howie wouldn't tell me anything. He said what happened between him and Lance is none of our fucking business, and he said he didn't know what happened between Justin and Nick. Howie says that Nick didn't tell him, and that they don't talk about it." 

"Did he tell you what happened between him and Nick?" I asked. Kevin looked at me skeptically. "Because that has something to do with the rest of it." 

Kevin sighed. 

"I don't know what's going on between Howie and Nick," Kevin said, crossing his arms. "Neither do AJ or Brian. Brian and Nick aren't close anymore, they haven't been for years, and AJ doesn't really do much with any of us. He thinks we used his, you know, his problem, for publicity." 

"Why are you telling me this?" I asked. "I mean, this is your personal band stuff. Why are you telling me?" 

"Because I can see the look on your face, Jack," he answered. "I can tell, just by looking at you, what you're thinking. I consider you and JC my friends, and I would do anything for the people I care about. I don't think you understand, though, that my guys aren't like your guys, Jack. We used to be, back in the early days, and when we were up at the top, too, but we aren't like that anymore. It's hard to do what we do. You know that, from being inside it as much as you have. People deal with it in different ways. They either get stronger, and they get closer together, or it goes the other way, and that's what happened to us. Instead of leaning on each other, we split apart, and all went our own way with our own lives. We used to be friends, and we used to be brothers, but now we're just coworkers." 

"Then why do you even care why I felt like strangling Nick?" I asked. "Why worry about what happens to him, if that's how you feel?" 

"Because of the way I used to feel," Kevin answered. "Call it misguided loyalty, or maybe just hope. I don't want to give up on Nick, or Howie, either, but I can't help either of them if they keep trying to shut me out. I promise, I won't say anything to Justin, or Lance, or JC, if that's what you want. I won't ever talk to any of you again once we leave this table if that's the way you want things to be, but please, help me help them." 

The waitress arrived again, carrying dinner, before I could say anything else, giving me time to think. I wasn't sure how I felt, but the things Kevin had just said sounded a lot more like the person I knew and had become friends with. Maybe it was just my suspicious mind twisting things, or maybe he really did mean what he said. Maybe he did just want to help his friends. I debated going to the bathroom and calling Josh for a little guidance, but wanted him to get some rest. I could deal with this on my own, and would tell him all about it later. I'd just step carefully deciding how far to go, and how much to share, and would have to take it as it came. As we began cutting into dinner, which was doubtlessly wonderful but had been rendered as tasteless as paper by the tension and emotions at the table, I offered Kevin more questions instead of answers. 

"Even if they won't tell you what's going on, you must have seen something," I began. "You must have some ideas. What do you think is going on with Howie and Nick?" 

"For a while I thought they were sleeping together, and that they must have done it at the resort," Kevin answered. "I figured that was why Howie and Lance broke up, but it's not quite right. They spend a lot of time together, and they're doing a lot of drinking and stuff, but their relationship is hard to describe. They're very angry, I guess, would be the best word for it. They don't treat each other very well, but they stay together, and I'm not sure why." 

Howie in an angry, unhealthy relationship? Go figure, the bastard. I hoped him and Nick were beating the shit out of each other on a nightly basis. 

"Maybe they're just bound," I said finally, realizing that Kevin was waiting for me to say something. "Maybe the two of them are just stuck together because of everything that happened. They're the only ones out of all of you who know everything, so maybe they just stick together because of it. I'm not surprised to hear they don't exactly get along." 

"Know everything about what, Jack?" Kevin asked. "I'm tired of getting these weird half answers from you. If I wanted that, I'd go talk to the two of them." 

"I'm sorry," I said, shrugging. "I'm not really sure of what to say, or how much, because I have to protect my friends, too, Kevin. You're right about one thing, though. Nick and Howie slept together at the resort, and it's part of the reason why Howie and Lance broke up. Lance caught them together, and he ended everything with Howie, thank God." 

"Why is that such a good thing?" Kevin asked. "I mean, I don't know Lance that well, but I know that Howie seems miserable about it. I've never really seen him like this." 

"How have you seen Howie?" I asked. "Has he ever seemed, I don't know, angry? He told us that you guys voted not to let him come out publicly, and that you decided it again after Josh and I did it. How did he feel about that?" 

"Pretty pissed," Kevin said. "I mean, he's been bitter about it for a while, and when you guys came out, he just got worse. He seemed ok for a while when he started dating Lance, but then he started pushing again, and our management started pushing back, telling him to tone it down, to not be seen with Lance or the rest of you so much. I don't know what happened, but while you were kidnapped he just kept stepping it up, making demands, and they kept throwing it back, and we kind of did, too. The timing was just all wrong, and he didn't seem to get it. I'm not sure what that has to do with Lance, though, or at least, what it has to do with them breaking up." 

"Howie took his anger out on Lance," I said bluntly. Kevin looked at me as if he didn't understand. "Their relationship, it went downhill. Howie was abusive. He beat him, Kevin. Howie spent months beating the shit out of Lance, every single day." 

Kevin stared at me, his mouth hanging open. I felt bad just blurting it out, but I wasn't going to pretty it up. I wasn't going to dance around it to protect Howie, and I was probably the only one who wouldn't. If Kevin had gone to any of the others, they probably would have tried to be all friendly and kind, if there was a polite, diplomatic way to describe domestic violence, but I had no intention of trying to think of one. I knew that brutal honesty was the only way to get through to Kevin, the only thing he would end up believing, but I also wanted to hurt him a little. I wanted this to sting, because these were his friends. I knew it was unfair to him, but his friends hurt my friends, and I wanted to hurt back. 

"Jack, Howie wouldn't," Kevin began, swallowing. "I mean, yeah, sure, he gets upset sometimes, and I've seen him, I, you know, I've seen him throw things, or break things, but he loved Lance. He wouldn't, not Howie." 

"Yes, Howie," I said. "Howie needed a target, and Lance was there, and Lance wouldn't hit him back. I saw the bruises, Kevin. I saw the marks, and I saw what it did to Lance. Your friend, your brother Howie, he did that to him." 

Kevin shook his head, disbelieving. 

"Jack, I just," he began, setting down his fork. "I find that really hard to believe." 

"Ask Howie, then," I said irritably. "If you're going to ask me what happened, I expect you to at least pretend to have an open mind about what I might tell you. You've been friends with Howie for years. You never thought he could be like that? He never did anything that made you think he might?" 

Kevin swallowed, as if debating what to tell me. When he finally did open his mouth again, I was so surprised by what he said that I almost choked. 

"Howie only had one other boyfriend, at least while I've known him, and once he, um, he hit him once, too," Kevin said finally. "It was only one time, and the two of them had bruises. Howie said that they were arguing, and that it just, you know, got out of hand. Howie said he was going to go talk to someone, for some anger management or something. It never happened again, I guess." 

"Or you just never saw it again," I said. 

Howie had a past history? I was guessing that he had never told Lance about it, because Lance never mentioned it, and I wondered how much knowing it would help Lance. I was guessing quite a lot. If Lance knew that Howie had done it before, he might stop taking what happened so personally, might blame himself a little less. He was covering, but I knew he blamed himself, at least partially, and maybe knowing this would help him let that go, and let him heal a little. I had wondered how Howie could suddenly just turn brutal, when he had cared about Lance so much, but this was an answer that made sense. 

"Maybe," Kevin said, swallowing. "I don't understand, though, what this has to do with Justin. I mean, I saw the other night the way the two of them stayed with each other the whole time, and I saw them holding hands on the news when they showed you guys leaving. Jack, are they together?" 

"No," I answered honestly. "No, Lance and Justin aren't a couple, but what happened to Justin is all tied up with what happened between Lance, Howie, and Nick. Justin and Nick, while I was kidnapped, had some kind of little hookup, or something, and they became some kind of friends. After I came back, Justin started to hang out with Nick some more, and they got to be some kind of weird fuck buddies." 

"They weren't boyfriends," Kevin said, taking another bite of his dinner. 

"No, I'm sure they never called each other that," I said, shrugging. 

"I wasn't asking a question, " Kevin said, staring at me. "I was telling you, because Nick doesn't have boyfriends. He hooks up, left and right, but he doesn't have boyfriends, or girlfriends, either. Nick doesn't ever have anyone but Nick." 

"He was always pretty hostile to Howie," I said. "I always thought it was the gay thing, so I was pretty shocked when he started carrying on with Justin." 

"Well, we always kind of thought Nick might be gay," Kevin said, shrugging. "You know, when he was younger. Then after we started to get big, he just turned into this drunken, drugging, party slut. We don't like it, but he doesn't take well to suggestions that he stop. Nick's big problem with Howie wasn't ever who Howie slept with. Nick doesn't care who any of us sleep with, as long as it doesn't affect the band, and doesn't end up in the papers. Howie kept wanting to go public, and Nick didn't want him to. The two of them haven't ever gotten along, because of that." 

Once again, I couldn't believe that Kevin hadn't asked his alleged friends about this. If he knew that two of them didn't get along, and argued almost constantly, why the hell wouldn't he ask any questions when he saw them apparently now having some kind of a relationship? How he could even still think of himself as their friend was beyond me. Maybe I was just too nosy, but if I saw something like that happen, I'd want to know what was going on. I realized he was asking me a question, and refocused on him. 

"What was going on between Nick and Justin?" Kevin asked. "Were they just sleeping together, or did they have something else going on?" 

"It's hard to explain," I said, trying to find my boundaries again. "Justin was having a lot of personal problems, and shutting us out of them. It was a bad time for him, and he turned to Nick because, like you said, Nick doesn't feel anything, and Justin didn't want to, either. The two of them were drinking a lot, but Justin wasn't doing any drugs, thank God, and they were sleeping with a lot of other people, and, I guess, sharing them with each other." 

"Sounds like Nick, but I'm surprised at Justin," Kevin said. "I always thought he was, I don't know, a little more naive or something." 

"He kind of was," I said. It was true. Justin might have been pretty sexually experienced, but he wasn't hardened and bitter like Nick was. Justin was still alive, at least before Nick got to him. "That was part of the problem." 

"Were they sleeping with each other?" Kevin asked. I didn't know if he was just morbidly curious, or if he was still trying to put everything together. 

"Yes, kind of," I answered, and Kevin looked at me in confusion. "They slept with other people. When there weren't other people, Justin fucked Nick. Nick never got to fuck Justin, because Justin wouldn't do that." 

"And how, exactly, does this relate to Lance and Howie?" Kevin asked. "How did Nick start sleeping with Howie?" 

"Justin found out about Howie and Lance," I answered, knowing there wasn't really a way I was going to be able to make this sound better, either. "He tried to talk to Lance about it, and Lance blocked him, because Lance kind of thought that he deserved to get beaten up all the time. Howie convinced him that it was all done out of love, and Lance, you know, Howie had just beaten it into him and Lance couldn't argue it. Since Justin was kind of on the outs with all of us, too, he got this idea into his head that he would fix it himself, by breaking up Lance and Howie, so he asked Nick to seduce Howie." 

"Oh, and you wanted to talk about my friends," Kevin said smugly. "Great group you have there, Jack." 

I wanted to slap him off of his chair. 

"Look," I said, gritting my teeth. "We know it was a stupid idea. Even Justin knows it was a stupid plan, ok? But he was scared, and confused, and it seemed like the best idea to him at the time." 

"And Nick just went along with it?" Kevin asked, letting the point drop when he saw how pissed I was. "That doesn't sound like him." 

"You're shitting me, right?" I asked. Josh hated it when I swore, but the words just kind of flew out when I was pissed. "Nick probably would have gone along with it just to fuck with Howie, Kevin. You know how he is. Nick likes to hurt people." 

"If he didn't do it just to hurt Howie," Kevin began, not arguing, "then why did he? What else was going on, Jack?" 

"Justin promised Nick something for helping him," I began, and I saw the wheels turning in Kevin's mind. He was putting it together. "Justin promised that if Nick broke up Lance and Howie, that Nick could fuck him." 

"No," Kevin said, shaking his head. "Nick wouldn't do that." 

"Wouldn't fuck Howie?" I asked. "Because he did, and, according to you, probably still does." 

"No, Jack," Kevin said. He must have been thinking of the bathroom again, of what he'd seen the other night, and figured out the only thing that could make Justin act like that, and all of the rest of us, too. "You know what I mean. Nick wouldn't do that to someone." 

"Do what?" I asked, wanting to hurt him, wanting to make him say it. 

"You know what!" Kevin said, shaking his head again. "Nick hasn't ever had to, not with anyone. He's Nick Carter! He doesn't even have to ask for sex. He doesn't have to do that, you know, what you're thinking. You guys must have it confused somehow." 

"I was there, Kevin," I snapped. "I'm not confused. We had to take Justin to the hospital. We had to hold his hand, and listen to him scream. He was bleeding." 

"No," Kevin said again, shaking his head. 

"Yes," I snapped. He was the one who wanted answers, and here they were. Let him live with what all the rest of us did. Let him know his friends for who and what they were. "Justin didn't want to go through with it, and he said no, and Nick raped him. Did you get that, Kevin? Is that what you came here for? That's why Justin was hysterical when he saw Nick in the bathroom the other night. That's why I tried to choke Nick, and that's why Nick just left when he did. We all know what he did, and now, so do you. Nick held Justin down, and ripped off his clothes, and raped him." 

"Stop it!" Kevin barked. 

"Why?" I snapped back. "Nick didn't." 

The two of us glared at each other, dinner sitting forgotten between us. I couldn't eat the rest of mine even if I wanted to. My stomach was a knot, and the thought of food made me want to vomit. Kevin looked angry and sad at the same time, and I realized that what I had thought before was correct after all. I didn't care, and I didn't still want to be his friend. What was wrong with Nick and Howie was partially his fault, and could partly be laid at his feet. Maybe nothing could have stopped it, but maybe he could have been a better friend. Maybe he could have done more than go through the motions, and just talk about loving his friends. Maybe if he really had been a friend to them, they wouldn't be the people they were. I crumpled my napkin and stood, Andrew jumping up from his seat as well. 

"Dinner's on me," I said, turning away as I reached for my wallet. I'd pay at the front. 

"Jack, I'll get them help," Kevin said. "I'm not going to just let this go. I'll get them help, and make sure this never happens again." 

I turned back, and I could tell that Kevin knew we were all done having couples barbecues and double dates, too. 

"I don't care what you do," I said bitterly. "Just keep your friends away from my family. Good bye, Kevin." 

I walked away, followed by Andrew, and Kevin didn't say anything as I left. 

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CHAPTER 122

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JOEY'S POV: 

Joey rounded the corner from the ice machine, carrying his bucket, and wondering why the freezer in the minibar refrigerator didn't come with an ice tray of its own. He knew it was bad form to start the morning with a can of soda, but no one was around to lecture him on nutrition, and he fully intended to eat breakfast later with Chris and JC, as they attempted once again to cheer JC up. Every time Jack left for a day or two JC just moped around with his head down, waiting until he came back again, and Chris and Joey did their best every time to cheer him up. For now, though, Joey was pretty sure no one was even awake, since it was so early. He slowed down a little, though, as he saw a hotel worker standing in front of one of the doors with a room service cart, arguing. Joey thought for a second, and realized that it was Justin's room. 

It felt foreign to even think about Justin having a suite of his own, after the way the rest of the tour had gone, with him sharing with Lance the whole time, but suddenly last night when they had arrived Justin had calmly checked into his own suite, leaving Lance in the lobby with a look of confusion on his face. Joey wanted to ask him what was wrong, but figured it wasn't worth bothering, since Lance would probably just yell at him and push him away again, and the way Lance treated JC seemed to bear it out. After they watched Lance watching Justin board the elevator, JC asked Lance if he was ok, and Lance turned on him, snapping. 

"I'm fine, ok?" Lance barked. "I don't need you guys hovering over me all the time, ok? Just back off." 

Lance stalked away from them as JC stood looking stricken, and when Chris and Joey tried to invite him to dinner he just brushed them off, saying that he wanted to sleep and be alone. Joey had hoped that might be the end of their problems for this stop on the tour, but now here he was in the hallway, listening to a very confused employee argue with Justin through the door. Justin, as usual lately, sounded like he was crying, about to cry, or just finished crying. 

"Sir, I have your breakfast, " the employee repeated slowly, as if he thought Justin didn't understand. "I can bring it in for you." 

"Please, just leave it in the hall," Justin pled. "Please, I'm sorry. Please just leave it there." 

"I can leave it here if that's what you'd prefer," the poor guy began again, trying his best not to look flustered. "I just need someone to sign for it." 

"Please just leave it there!" Justin said, and Joey could tell that he was upset. Justin was usually pretty polite to everyone, especially strangers. They'd all had it drummed into them enough times that the slightest unpleasantry between them and, well, anyone could end up in the papers. 

"I'll sign for it," Joey said quickly, walking up to the guy, who smiled gratefully. Joey took the pad and signed for breakfast, adding a generous tip, and waited until the guy was gone before he tapped at Justin's door. "Justin, it's Joey. Are you ok?" 

"No," Justin answered quietly. Joey could barely hear him through the door. 

"Justin, that guy's gone, and your breakfast is out here getting cold," Joey said. "Could you open the door, please?" 

"There's nobody?" Justin asked. 

"Just me and Rich," Joey said, nodding toward the bodyguard sitting by the elevators, reading his paper. 

"OK," Justin said, and Joey heard the sound of the chains and locks being released. Joey locked his own door at night, but not with every single one. 

The door opened just wide enough for Joey to push the little cart in, and he noticed that all of the curtains were closed, the suite room dark and shadowed. There was a blanket crumpled on the couch, as if Justin had slept there, and one pillow. Joey jumped as the door clicked loudly behind him, and when he turned around he saw Justin relocking it, turning the bolt and fastening the chain. Justin looked away from the door, and when he finally looked up at Joey his eyes glistened in the half lit room. Joey fought the urge to gasp in surprise, not wanting to do anything to startle Justin, whose hands were shaking, but Justin looked like hell. The circles under his eyes were so dark he looked as if he'd been punched, and he was almost cringing. 

"Justin?" Joey asked. He knew that Justin was still a little shaky and unsure around him, even if he had hugged him, and he didn't want to upset him. "Do you want me to leave?" 

Justin seemed to fight to find an answer. Joey watched him, unsure of what to do or how to help, as Justin swallowed, his jaw working. 

"I don't know," Justin answered finally. He took a tentative step toward Joey, his hands still shaking, and Joey stayed completely still. "I just, I." 

Justin's hands, shaking like leaves now, settled onto Joey's shoulders, and Justin looked at him, trying to catch his breath. Finally Justin just grabbed him, lightly at first, and when he felt Joey's arms close around him, crushing him against Joey's chest, Justin let out a squeaking sigh of relief, slumping against Joey. Joey wasn't sure what was going on, but Justin seemed to need a hug, and as Justin slumped against him Joey began to guide him to the couch. Justin hadn't looked great yesterday, but today he looked like hell, and Joey wondered what could have happened in the space of one night. Justin, not crying, just held onto Joey, taking comfort in not being alone. Joey pulled the cart over, and tilted Justin's head up with one finger under his chin. 

"Justin, eat your breakfast, ok?" Joey whispered. "Let's get some food into you, and then we'll talk, ok?" 

"OK," Justin said quietly. "Please don't leave?" 

"I'll sit right here if you need me to," Joey said, wondering if there was enough for them to share. Now that he smelled it he was really hungry. "Can I have some toast?" 

"Sure," Justin answered, pushing the cart toward Joey a little. Joey wondered if he had to sit quite so close to Justin, but when he started to move away Justin slid closer to him, so he stayed where he was. Justin ate like he was starved, and Joey wondered if he had eaten dinner the night before. 

"Justin, did you sleep out here on the couch?" Joey asked, watching Justin chew. Justin shook his head, looking away, and Joey thought about flicking on a light. It was a lot easier for Justin to be evasive in the shadowy atmosphere he had created. How did Lance deal with him when he was like this? It was like Justin was at war with himself. He needed to be around people, if the way he'd latched onto Joey was any indication, so why on earth was he locked in here by himself? "No, you didn't sleep on the couch?" 

"No," Justin answered, shaking his head, as he continued eating. He was slowly working his way from one end of the cart to the other. 

"Did you sleep in the bed?" Joey asked, glancing into the bedroom. The angle was wrong, and he couldn't tell if the sheets were crumpled or not. Justin shook his head again and Joey sighed in exasperation, wishing any of the other guys were here. They were all so much better at this stuff. "Justin, did you sleep at all?" 

"No," Justin whispered, looking away. Joey realized that tears had started to slide down Justin's face, and he wrapped an arm around Justin's shoulders. "I wanted to, but I was, I got scared, and I had a bad dream. I dreamed about, about him, and I, I was scared to go back to sleep, and Lance wasn't here, and I didn't know what to do, and I was scared." 

"Justin," Joey said, rocking him a little. What the hell was he supposed to say to that? He glanced at the clock and saw that they had sound checks in seven hours, and decided to address priorities. He took Justin's shoulders, feeling them tremble, and stood slowly, letting Justin get up with him. "Come on. I want you to go to bed, ok? You can't go on tonight without any sleep, Justin." 

"No, I can't," Justin protested weakly. Joey wasn't really going to take no for an answer, and kept walking him to the bedroom. 

"I'll sit with you the entire time," Joey said firmly. "I'll make sure no one comes in, ok?" 

Justin blinked at him, looking confused. Lance didn't treat him like this, and neither did Chris, or JC. They were all so careful, but Joey was so firm, so matter of fact. Justin didn't feel like he could argue with him. 

"Will you, I sleep better if, I, will you hold onto me, Joey?" Justin asked tentatively, cringing a little, waiting for Joey to say no. He knew that Joey didn't really hate him, but he'd been so mean to Joey, pushed him away so much, that he didn't know if Joey would want to. 

"OK," Joey said, nodding. 

Justin lay down on the bed, pulling the sheet back, and then Joey pulled it up over him and lay down on top of it, shoes and all. He didn't know what else to do, and was afraid of doing anything to hurt Justin, or scare him, so he just waited until Justin took his arms and pulled them around himself, spooning back against Joey. Joey reached over Justin to set the alarm clock, in case he fell asleep, too, and then just waited, cradling Justin tightly, feeling his heart pounding against Joey's chest through the many layers of shirts and sheets between them. Joey hadn't realized the enormity of Justin's situation before this, because he'd been kept away, and hadn't known that Justin spent so much of his time in fear. He'd done a lot of reading in the past couple of months about rape, and the symptoms that victims might show, but he didn't realize it could be this bad. They should have brought Justin's counselor on the tour with them. Away from him, it seemed like Justin was sliding back, losing ground, and Joey wondered again why, if Justin was this bad, he was in this room all alone. 

Where was Lance? Why wasn't he here when Justin needed him? 

The phone vibrating in his pocket startled him, but Justin was so exhausted that he was already asleep, and didn't seem to notice. He shifted a little, gripping Joey's arm tightly in his sleep as Joey carefully answered the phone, but he didn't wake up. Joey thumbed the volume almost all the way down. 

"Hello?" he whispered. 

"Where the hell are you?" Chris whined. "JC and I are hungry!" 

"I'm in Justin's room," Joey whispered, watching to see if Justin would stir. He was still sleeping peacefully. 

"What?" Chris blurted. "What the hell are you doing in there? Does Lance know you're over there? He's in Justin's room." 

"Is everything ok?" Joey heard JC blurt in the background. 

"Tell him everything's fine, " Joey whispered, and he felt Justin shift against him again, making a low noise in his sleep. "Look, Chris, I have to go. I won't be with you guys today, and I'll explain everything later, ok?" 

"Wait, Joey!" Chris began, and Joey hung up on him, and then turned his phone off. Justin needed rest, and he would make sure Justin got it. 

Joey started out just listening to Justin breathe, holding him tightly and hoping that Justin was comfortable, and he eventually drifted off as well. When he woke up, Justin was twisting against him, sweat running off of his forehead, and Joey felt him shaking as he fought with the sheets. 

"No, no," Justin whimpered, shaking his head. His hair was stuck down, and Joey pulled back, not sure of what to do, or if he should touch him. "Don't, please, please." 

Joey had never heard Justin sound like this. He'd heard Justin upset, mad, unhappy, and even depressed, but he's never heard Justin so afraid. His voice was cracking with terror, and he fought against the sheets, twisting and pulling at them as he tried to protect himself. Justin's face was lined with pain, and sweat was dripping onto the pillow beneath him. Joey wasn't sure if he should wake him or just try to calm him down, but he had to do something. He couldn't leave Justin like this to wake up on his own, so he leaned down, pulling Justin's writhing form against him, laying Justin's head on his chest and holding him tightly. Justin struggled weakly against him, still asleep, still begging. 

"You're safe, Justin," Joey whispered, wondering if he should call someone. "You're safe. No one will hurt you." 

"No, no," Justin argued, still asleep. He was struggling less, but his breath was still high and reedy as he panted like they were at the tail end of a show. "No." 

"Yes," Joey said, a little louder now, holding Justin tightly to him. "You're ok. You're safe." 

"Safe," Justin repeated, mumbling now, calming a little more. 

"Safe," Joey agreed, holding him. "I'll take care of you, Justin." 

"Take care of me," Justin muttered, out of his nightmare, drifting into that twilight area between asleep and awake. "Take care of me, Lance." 

"Shhhh," Joey said, holding onto him, his mind reeling. Justin settled back into a deep sleep on Joey's chest, his darkly golden eyelashes fluttering against Joey's t-shirt as Joey wondered, once again, where the hell Lance was. 

---

LANCE'S POV: 

"Hey, you ok?" Chad asked, glancing over. Lance had been quiet for the entire movie, which Chad, who normally couldn't stop talking, found completely odd. "If you don't like the movie we could go see something else. I just thought we could come to this because it just came out and a lot of people are talking about it, and, you know, it might be kind of good. We don't have to see a movie, even. We could go do anything, whatever you wanted." 

"Chad, calm down, please," Lance said, laying a hand on top of Chad's on the armrest. "I'm sorry. I'm really enjoying the movie, and being out with you. I just, I guess I'm a little distracted." 

It was true. Lance had been distracted all day, worrying about Justin. He meant to talk to Justin last night, but then he had run into Chad in the hallway, and they had ended up going to eat and for that walk. When that was over Lance was tired, and went to bed. He waited all night for the phone to ring, and his sleep was broken as he listened for the knock that he knew must be coming, but neither had happened. He told Justin to call if he needed him, and Justin hadn't called. Lance was sure that he would, that Justin would wake up and realize that he wasn't ready for this, that he wasn't ready to be on his own, but Justin hadn't come to the door. Lance wondered if maybe he had been wrong, or maybe he hadn't been giving Justin enough credit. Maybe Justin didn't need him after all. 

Lance had thought about it all morning when he finally gave up on getting some rest. Something was definitely going on, something Justin wasn't telling him, and he should have tried harder, should have pushed him a little more, instead of letting him just go get another room. All night he had tossed and rolled in bed, expecting to find Justin's warm shoulder, or to feel Justin cuddling against him, and instead he just found a big, empty bed. Lance hadn't slept alone in so long that he wasn't used to it, and he decided that he had to go talk to Justin after all. The two of them had been through too much together to just let this divide spring up between them, and they had to work it out. Lance felt like he was dying inside, and all he could do was worry about whether Justin was ok. He showered and dressed, and as he was walking to the door Chad called to invite him to breakfast. 

"The movie's almost over," Chad said. "Do you want to see the end? If not, we could just go." 

"No, I don't want you to miss it," Lance said. It wouldn't be fair to leave, since Chad had paid attention the entire time. 

Lance figured that whatever was bothering Justin could wait a little longer, since he was going to see him tonight, anyway. If Justin wanted space, Lance could give him that, and maybe going to breakfast with Chad would help him figure that whole thing out, too. Last night was supposed to clear things up for Lance, but instead it had just raised more questions. Lance had wanted to see if he liked Chad that way, and he did like him, sort of, in theory. He liked Chad as a person, once he got through the layers of superficial celebrity worship. He liked looking at him, because Chad was cute, with a tight little body, and those blue eyes, and bleached blond hair that looked soft when it wasn't smothered in gel. He even liked kissing him, when he gave it a second try in the hallway last night, but he still wasn't sure if he liked him. When he kissed Chad, it was quick, but it felt good. Lance also felt something else, though. 

Kissing Chad felt like he was cheating on someone. 

"What do you want to do now?" Chad asked, swallowing a big gulp of his soda as the closing credits rolled. Lance realized that he had been so busy thinking about Justin and Chad and how much he was worried about one and what he felt for the other that he hadn't even noticed the movie. 

"What do you want to do?" Lance asked, standing. 

"I don't know," Chad answered. "You still have some time before sound checks. Do you want something else to eat? Or we could just walk around the mall for a while." 

"I think I'm ok with food," Lance said. They'd eaten a large breakfast before the movie, and then had shared candy and popcorn. "We can just walk, if you want." 

Their bodyguard for the day followed them as they walked out of the theater and slowly paced the large mall. It was nice to know that wherever you went in all of America there was always a place where you could feel at home, where everything was always familiar. Chad kept up a steady stream of babble as they walked slowly down the aisles, pointing at things in windows and dragging Lance inside the stores, and Lance followed along companionably, nodding his head in all of the right places, smiling and agreeing that something looked good or bad while he tried to figure out what he was thinking and feeling. 

You couldn't cheat unless you had someone to cheat on, so why did kissing Chad feel like he was cheating? There wasn't anyone for him to be faithful to. He knew that it wasn't lingering feelings about Howie, because he didn't have any. When they first broke up, right after Howie left, part of Lance had hoped that he would come back. Part of Lance still loved him, but that part had realized a long time ago that Howie's idea of love was twisted, that Howie wasn't the person Lance thought he was. The Howie that Lance fell in love with wasn't there anymore, because Lance had helped to destroy him. If it wasn't Howie, though, then who was it? Lance didn't love anyone else, not that way. Lance hadn't promised his heart to anyone. Maybe if he just kept hanging out with Chad, things would clarify themselves. If he kept going through the motions, maybe he would figure out why he felt this way, or maybe he would start to feel something for Chad beyond friendship. Chad was a nice guy, and Lance could do a lot worse. After all, he already had. 

"Do you think this looks good on me?" Chad asked, holding a sequined shirt against himself. 

"Sure," Lance answered, shrugging. He smiled, hoping Chad wouldn't notice that he'd barely even looked, and Chad grinned back. 

---

JOEY'S POV: 

The buzzing of the alarm woke them both, and Joey looked down to meet Justin's blue eyes as Justin lay with his head on Joey's chest. Justin flushed guiltily, sliding away, and Joey let him, remembering Chris talking about how important it was that Justin have his space and feel like he was in control. Joey sat up carefully, his back against the pillows, as Justin moved a little away, drawing up his knees and holding them. He was turned toward Joey, but not making eye contact, and Joey waited for him to speak. The room was brighter now, sunlight leaking in along the edges of the curtains, and it caught in the hair on Justin's arms, outlining them in glowing fire. 

"You didn't have to stay with me," Justin said quietly. 

"Yes, I did," Joey said. "You needed me, so I was here." 

"Thank you," Justin said, still not looking at Joey. 

"Nothing to thank me for," Joey said. "Look, you haven't showered all day, Justin, and you haven't eaten since this morning. I'm going to order us some food, and I want you to go get cleaned up, ok? You'll feel better once you wash your hair, and the hot water will relax you." 

"I, I can't," Justin began, looking at himself, and at Joey, and the bathroom door on the other side of the suite. "I mean." 

"Do you want me to leave?" Joey asked, knowing what was bothering him. Justin shook his head, his eyes watering again. It was hard watching him do this, watching him try to fight to speak, like the real Justin was inside fighting to get out. Justin only trusted Lance, for the most part, and even trying to explain things to Joey was hard for him, but Joey just wouldn't quit. "I know you don't want me to see you, Justin, and I know you don't want to be undressed around me. Why don't you take your clothes into the bathroom with you, and I'll stay out there in the suite room, and I'll make sure no one comes in, ok?" 

"OK," Justin said, climbing out of bed. He walked over to the closet, grabbing clothes without really looking at them, since he was just going to change at the venue anyway, and then turned back to Joey. "Thank you." 

Joey nodded, not moving from the bed until Justin had closed himself in the bathroom. He heard the bathroom door lock, and figured that Justin wasn't over his trust issues after all, but at least he was trying. Joey called room service, and then turned his phone back on to find about ten messages from Chris and JC. 

"Joey, do you need us? We're going to stay in my suite all day in case you guys need us, so just call, ok?" 

"Joey, it's JC. We're still in Chris's suite. We didn't want to come impose, but is everything ok? I know you told Chris you'd explain later, but we're just concerned, ok?" 

The rest of the messages continued in the same vein, the last one coming about a half hour ago, and Joey erased them all before calling Chris. 

"What the hell, Joey?" Chris demanded. "What have you been doing all day?" 

"Sleeping," Joey answered, and heard the phone being passed. 

"Joey, is Justin ok?" JC asked, and Joey could hear the strain in his voice, too. 

"He's fine," Joey answered. "He's having kind of a rough day, and I'm going to stay with him until we get to the show tonight." 

"Why isn't Lance there?" JC asked. 

"I don't know," Joey answered honestly. "I'm going to ask him about it, but I think you guys should leave without us. I'll see you there." 

"OK," JC sighed. "Take care of him." 

"Of course," Joey said, hanging up. When Justin finished showering and getting dressed, he cracked the bathroom door, watching quietly as Joey greeted the room service staff at the suite door. Joey brought the tray in and set it down, and smiled at Justin. "Hey. We're going to eat dinner soon, but I got us a snack, ok?" 

"Yeah," Justin said, sitting down across from Joey, smiling. He looked a lot better now that he'd gotten some sleep, and Joey had opened the curtains and the windows, letting a little air and sunlight in. Justin loaded one of the small plates up with vegetables, and scooped up some dip, waiting for Joey to start eating before he did. "Thanks for ordering the snack, and for staying today. I probably wasn't really, you know, entertaining or anything." 

"It doesn't matter," Joey said, chewing on a carrot. "Like I said, you needed me, so I was here. Did you sleep ok?" 

"I think so," Justin answered, a little uncertain. He remembered being afraid, and feeling someone take care of him, but it was all pretty vague. 

"You had a nightmare, Justin, " Joey said carefully. "Do you remember that?" 

"No," Justin answered quietly, looking down. He felt cold inside, and knew what he was dreaming about, what he had to have been. It never changed, ever. Every time he closed his eyes, his brain circled back, and brought him back to that place, to that cabin, and that night. He jumped as Joey sat down by him. 

"Hey, I didn't mean to upset you," Joey said quickly, touching Justin's shoulder. "I just wanted to know if you wanted to talk about it, or if there was anything I should do. I mean, you scared me, Justin. You were breathing so hard, and you sounded so afraid. I didn't know if I should say something, or if there was something I was supposed to do that I didn't." 

"No, it's ok," Justin said, patting Joey's hand. He sniffled, feeling his eyes sting, and squeezed Joey's hand tightly, trying to keep the tears away. "I just, I never get away, Joey. I never get away, and I'm so scared, I'm always so scared. I don't want to be like this all the time. I don't want to be afraid." 

"I know, Justin," Joey said. "I know you don't want to be like this. Is there anything I can do?" 

"No," Justin answered, going back to his food. "Just be my friend, please?" 

"Sure," Joey said, blotting under Justin's eye with a napkin. 

Justin gave him a little half smile, and Joey smiled back, letting Justin know it was ok to cry if he needed to. Justin kept eating, so Joey took another bite, too, keeping one eye on the clock. They had plenty of time to have a nice snack, and just hang out for a bit, and Joey wondered if maybe Justin wanted to go get some air, or go see JC and Chris before they left. JC had Junior with him, and Joey was going to suggest that Junior sleep over here tonight if Justin was still in this room. He realized he needed to discuss that, too, even though Justin was already a little upset. 

"Justin, in your sleep, when you were talking," Joey began, watching Justin pale. "You asked for Lance, Justin." 

Justin didn't say anything, just staring at Joey, his blue eyes somehow getting even wider. 

"Did you and Lance have a fight, Justin?" Joey asked. Justin shook his head, and Joey realized they were back to the same thing they had gone through this morning, and took Justin's hands, holding them tightly. "Look, Justin, talk to me, please. I'm your friend. I'm not going to hurt you, and I'm not going to get upset about anything you say. I just want you to feel better, and I can't do that if you won't talk to me. Why are you over here in this suite by yourself? Was it Lance's idea?" 

"No," Justin said, shaking his head. He didn't want to tell anyone this, but he couldn't hold it inside anymore, and he was already used to Joey being mad at him. If Joey got pissed, it wouldn't be like he lost a friend. "It was my idea." 

"But why?" Joey asked. "Why did you want to do this? You're not ready for it, Justin. Look at you. What would you have done if I hadn't come down the hall this morning?" 

"I don't know," Justin answered, his eyes watering again. Why did he cry all the time, even when he didn't want to? "But I had to leave. I had to give Lance space." 

"Did Lance say something?" Joey asked, finding it hard to believe. Lance would dig out his own kidney with a spatula if Justin needed it. "Did he ask for space?" 

"No," Justin answered, shaking his head. "He wouldn't do that, but he needed it, because I, I'm bad for him. I'm ruining his life." 

Joey froze, hearing his own fear from so many months ago coming out of Justin's mouth. He had been so afraid that Justin would consume Lance with his own issues, but it never occurred to him that Justin would be afraid of that, too. It was the ultimate example of how much Justin had changed. 

"Justin, how?" Joey asked. "How are you ruining Lance's life?" 

"I'm keeping him from being happy," Justin answered, a tear spilling down his cheek. "I think, I think Chad really likes him, and Lance doesn't see it, because he's so busy taking care of me. I'm keeping him from finding someone." 

"Justin, how do you know Lance even likes him?" Joey asked. 

"I don't," Justin answered. "But he'll never know if I keep holding onto him so much. If I wasn't so, so needy and weak, he would be happy." 

"Justin, if he didn't ask you to do it, and you don't even know if he likes Chad, why are you hurting yourself like this?" Joey asked, confused. "Lance doesn't want you in pain." 

"But I want him to be happy, " Justin whispered, turning away from Joey. "I want him to be happy, because I love him." 

---

CHAPTER 123

---

JOEY'S POV: 

Joey sat on the couch, watching as Justin held himself, wrapping his hands around his elbows. Tears were running down Justin's face now, but he seemed unaware of them. 

"I love him, Joey," Justin repeated, his voice cracking. "I love Lance, and I want him to be happy. That's all I want." 

Joey jumped up, grabbing him, and Justin sobbed against his chest, burying his face there, unable to look at Joey, not wanting to see whatever was in his eyes. 

"It's ok, Justin," Joey soothed. "It's ok. Let it out." 

"I just want him to find someone," Justin explained, crying steadily. "I just want, he deserves to be happy, and I don't want to screw that up for him." 

"Justin, why wouldn't he be happy with you?" Joey asked. How could Justin be so blind not to see the way Lance looked at him, the way Lance was with him. "I've never seen him like he is with you, Justin." 

Justin shook his head against Joey's chest. 

"He can't love me," Justin said, sniffling. "He can't, Joey. I'm not, I, Lance deserves someone better than me. Lance deserves someone who won't hurt him, someone who's, who's good, and perfect, and I'm not." 

"Maybe you are to Lance," Joey said quietly. 

"I can't be," Justin argued. "I'm, I've done things, bad things, Joey. I hurt Lance, and I hurt everyone. I can't do that to him. I want him to be happy, to find someone, so I went away. If I'm not there, he won't notice me, and he'll, he'll go with Chad, or with someone, and he'll be happy, Joey." 

"What about you, Justin?" Joey asked. Justin pulled away from him, walking toward the windows. 

"I don't matter," Justin answered quietly. "I'm trash, Joey. I'm just a pretty face, and that's all people have ever wanted from me. I'm no better than Nick." 

Joey looked down at his hands, and then looked up again at Justin's back, at his slumped shoulders and his lowered head. He saw Justin standing there, broken inside, maybe forever, and felt rage surge up in him again. He felt this way the other night when he punched Nick in the face, when he thought about the way Justin used to be. Even if he hadn't always liked him, he'd been a whole person, damn it. He'd been young, and happy, and had enjoyed life. He hadn't been this husk, this walking shadow who was so afraid of everything that he couldn't even sleep in a room alone. 

"That's bullshit, Justin," Joey said, grabbing his shoulders. Justin cringed. "You're not trash! God damn it, Justin, how many times are you going to do this to yourself?" 

"What?" Justin blinked, shaking. He was so afraid, but Joey would never hurt him, would he? 

"You deserve to be happy, too, Justin," Joey snapped, holding him tightly, glaring into his eyes. "You deserve to be happy just as much as Lance does. Is this how you want to live the rest of your life, Justin? Crying and afraid and alone? Is it?" 

"No," Justin whimpered, feeling his heart pounding. None of the others every yelled at him any more. None of them grabbed him, or screamed at him. He was frozen, but he felt something else opening inside of him, something hard that he had forgotten was there. 

"What?" Joey barked. 

"No!" Justin yelled. "No!" 

"Then stop it," Joey said, letting go of him. Justin stepped away, blinking, his hand drifting up to his mouth as if he couldn't believe that he'd just yelled at someone. "How many times are you going to do this, Justin? How many times are you going to break yourself because you think you're not good enough? I saw you do it with JC, and I'm not going to watch you do it again. If you love Lance, you're going to fight for him, damn it." 

"I can't," Justin said, shaking his head. 

"Yes you can!" Joey snapped. "Damn it, Justin, when did you ever quit? When did you ever give up? When did you ever just lay down and let things happen? You have to fight, Justin, you have to. You can't give up, damn it. I won't let you." 

"But I," Justin began, sputtering, trying to slide back into his closed off space where he felt safe. "He, I." 

"No buts, Justin," Joey said, shaking his head. "Do you love him? Do you love Lance as much as you say you do?" 

"Yes," Justin admitted, looking away. 

"I can't hear you," Joey said, knowing he was pushing him. Somebody had to, damn it. "I don't believe you." 

"I love him," Justin repeated, and looked up to see Joey shaking his head. "I love him!" 

"Then you have to tell him, Justin," Joey said, grabbing his arm. Justin gasped. 

"I don't know," Justin began. Joey shook his head. 

"No, Justin," Joey said. "You do know. You love him. Maybe he only loves you as a friend. Maybe he really does like Chad. Or maybe he cares about you, Justin. Maybe he's afraid of the same thing you are, of pushing you away. One of you has to say it. For better or worse, one of you has to take the chance." 

"I don't know if I can," Justin said, his lip trembling. "What if I lose him?" 

"What if you win?" Joey asked. Justin shook his head again, and Joey fought the urge to shake him, watching the struggle inside him, watching everything fight and bubble under the surface. 

"It's, I," Justin sputtered again. Joey's face was right in front of his. There was nowhere to go, and he knew Joey was right. He knew it. He was just afraid, so afraid. 

"Justin, what if this is your only chance?" Joey asked. "What if you spend your whole life alone, and scared, and crying, because you had this chance, and you were too scared to take it? Is that what you want, Justin? Is it?" 

"No," Justin said shaking his head. "No, I love him." 

"Then you have to fight for him, Justin," Joey said, hugging him again. Justin squeezed him tightly. 

"I'll tell him, Joey," Justin whispered. "I'll tell him tonight." 

---

LANCE'S POV: 

Justin was acting oddly around him again, and Lance couldn't put his finger on exactly how. Something was wrong, but it didn't seem like the same thing that was wrong yesterday. Yesterday, Justin had pushed him away, and been closed off. Tonight, when he finally saw Justin at dinner, Justin was looking at him differently, hopefully, as if he was waiting for Lance to say something. Lance wanted to oblige him, wanted to say something, but he had no idea what Justin was looking for. He got the feeling that Justin was trying to say something to him, but every time Justin turned toward him, eyes wide, swallowing hard, he seemed to choke. Lance wanted to ask him about it before the concert, but was afraid it would break up their routine, that it might throw Justin, so instead he made sure they did things the same way they always did. So now, here they were, toweling the sweat off of themselves as they stripped off the last set of stage costumes, listening to the fans leave the venue, and they couldn't think of a thing to say to each other. 

"So, um, did you sleep ok last night?" Lance asked. 

"Yeah, I guess so," Justin said, not wanting Lance to worry. He realized that Lance would probably be able to see the lie on his face. "I had bad dreams, but I got some more sleep today, so I guess it was ok." 

"It felt really strange not to be around you," Lance said, wondering if Justin felt that. "I kind of forgot what it was like to not have you there." 

"I was thinking the same thing," Justin said, swallowing. He waited for Lance to ask if he wanted to come back, hoping that Lance would say it so that he didn't have to. He'd been hoping all night that Lance would say something first, because he was so nervous. Every time he tried to bring something up his tongue just froze in his mouth. Maybe he needed to make Lance realize how much he must miss having him around. "What did you do today?" 

"I, um, Chad came over, and we went out to see a movie," Lance said. He was turned away, because Justin had started to pull his shirt off, so he didn't see Justin's face fall at the answer. Interpreting Justin's silence as interest, he kept talking. "It wasn't a bad movie, and Chad really liked it. We went out to eat, too, and we just kind of walked around the mall. I didn't really buy anything, but there was this leather jacket, with this fringe on it, that Chad thought I should buy it, but I thought it was a little over the top, you know? Justin? Are you dressed yet?" 

"Just a second," Justin said, wiping at his eyes quickly. He knew what he and Joey had talked about, and what he was supposed to do, but he didn't know that Lance had gone straight to Chad as soon as he was gone. For Lance to just move on like that, like he was just waiting for Justin to be out of the way, it had to mean that Lance didn't feel the same way. Justin pulled his pants on and began walking quickly toward the door. "I'm dressed." 

"OK," Lance said, turning around. He blinked at seeing Justin walking past him. "Hey, where are you going?" 

"To see Joey," Justin said quickly, almost spitting it at him, knowing that Lance was still mad at Joey. He didn't mean to hurt Lance, didn't want to, but it stung thinking about Lance and Chad, seeing a movie, having a meal, doing all of the things he should have done if he wasn't so stupid and afraid. "I have to ask Joey something." 

"OK," Lance said quickly, not wanting Justin to feel uncomfortable. 

After Justin left, Lance continued getting dressed, and looked up when he heard a knock at the door. 

"Come in," Lance called, curious. Justin wouldn't knock, and, sure enough, when the door opened, Justin wasn't there. Instead Chad was leaning in, smiling. He was wearing an extremely subdued outfit, plain khaki pants and a clinging light pink long sleeved shirt that brought out his eyes without making him look too pale. "Hey." 

"Hi," Chad said, grinning sheepishly. "You guys were great tonight." 

"Thanks," Lance said, smiling as well and pulling his shoes on. Chad's hair wasn't as heavily gelled as usual, either, and Lance thought for a second that he looked a little more normal, and a lot more attractive. "Did you come just to tell me that, or was there something else." 

Chad fidgeted for a second, taking a deep breath as he jammed his hands into his pockets. 

"There was something else," he said finally, staring at Lance. "I was wondering if, um, there's a park in the city, and." 

"You were wondering if there was a park?" Lance asked, giggling. He knew it wasn't what Chad was trying to say, but he was giddy from being onstage, and Chad grinned, too, feeling the tension ease a little. 

"No, I know there's a park," Chad said, leaning on the doorframe. "What I was trying to say, before you decided to be funny, was that there's a park, and they do carriage rides through it, at night, and it's supposed to be really nice, and I, um, I have one reserved, and I kind of wanted to know if you wanted to go with me." 

Lance thought about it for a minute, and looked at Chad again. He thought about being outside, in the quiet, and how Chad's eyes might look with city lights and stars in them. 

"I'll have to change my clothes, and send word to the busdriver to leave without me," Lance answered finally, and Chad grinned and clapped his hands. "Chad, I think this is a date. What do you think?" 

"Yay!" Chad grinned, flying across the room to hug Lance, almost bowling him over. "We're going on a date!" 

Justin retreated from the door, running back down the hall to Joey's dressing room, knowing that he'd find Josh, and Chris, and Jack, and Joey, and that they'd be there for him. 

***Jack*** 

Chad, as part of his new dedication to getting his job done, met Andrew and I personally at the airport, keeping a car standing by at the curb when we got off the plane. I was already irritated when we landed, because the plane was late, and I knew that we wouldn't make it back in time for dinner. I had talked to Josh twice today, before I got on the plane and after my connecting flight landed, because he was still upset by his nightmare, and still convinced my plane was going to fall out of the sky and I would just be gone. It wasn't like him to be so upset, but I knew that it was all the other stuff bothering him, and this was just the way he was letting it out. I sent him a text message from the airport, wishing him luck with the show tonight and promising that I would be there by the time it was over. Chad looked halfway normal, and I was almost tempted to ask why, but figured I should talk to him as little as possible. I was still irritated from talking to Kevin the night before, and didn't want to take it out on Chad. 

"Hey, how did everything go?" he asked, waving as Andrew and I came down the walkway. Andrew and I glanced at each other, not saying anything. Andrew knew how badly dinner had gone, and just in case he'd missed it I'd run six miles on the gym's treadmill this morning, gritting my teeth and refusing to share it with anyone else. They could use a bike, damn it. 

"Fine," I answered, letting Chad lead us to the car. "We're not going to make dinner, are we?" 

"No," Chad answered, shaking his head. He looked stricken, as if it was his fault. "It's because your plane was late, Jack. I'm sorry. We'll still get there by the time the opening act goes on." 

"Chad, it's ok," I said, shaking my head. He must think I was a total nutcase to imagine that I'd yell at him because my plane was late. Then again, I yelled at him for everything else. Josh was right. I'd been kind of unfair to Chad, and I felt a little bad about it, but I still didn't like him. "Let's just grab our bags and get out of here." 

"Here, I'll carry one," Chad blurted, grabbing Andrew's suitcase. Andrew and I glanced at each other again as Chad hurried away to the car. Chad, doing menial labor? He might chip a nail. Oooops, bitchy thought. I leaned over to Andrew. 

"Whatever he did this time must be really bad," I whispered as Chad hurried ahead to let the driver at the curb know we were coming. 

"Judging by this, you probably don't even want to know," Andrew whispered back. By the time we were in traffic I couldn't contain my curiosity any longer, and had to ask. 

"Chad, is everything ok?" I asked carefully, trying to look neutral and pleasant. 

"Yeah, yeah, everything's good," Chad answered, sitting anxiously across from me. If I had to pin a word on it, I would say he looked poised, eagerly awaiting my every possible need, like he'd suddenly become a model assistant. It was completely alien, and I wanted to check the trunk to see if the pod with his body in it was back there. "Is something wrong? Did you have something else I needed to work on?" 

"No, that's ok," I said, baffled. "I was just, you know, thought I'd check." 

"Jack, can I ask you something?" Chad asked, his action defeating his question. I nodded, wondering what the hell was going on. "Since you're not going to be speaking anymore for a while, you're not really going to need me, are you? I mean, you'll need help with your mail, but that's something the Jive office can handle if you need them to, isn't it?" 

"Yeah, I guess," I answered. Where did that come from? Was he just blurting whatever thoughts popped into his mind? "I'm not really sure how things work with that, but someone handles all the rest of the fan mail over there, and could just as easily handle ours. Why?" 

"No reason," Chad answered, looking out the window. "I mean, nothing important. I was just, you know, wondering." 

"OK, sure," I said, shrugging, wondering if hair dye really could leak into your brain. 

When we got to the venue Chad handed me my stage pass. He offered one to Andrew, but he wanted to head to the hotel, get changed, and go out to a bar somewhere, taking full advantage of his couple of days off. After he went out of town with me, I liked to give Andrew a day or two to go play, to vent some steam. It was the least I could do for completely uprooting him to come on tour with us, even if he'd agreed to it. Chad went off to go sit in his seats, and I went to VIP without Andrew, assuring him that I was fine with concert security, just as the opening act was finishing. 

When the guys came on I watched with rapt attention, but they were off tonight. It wasn't anything the fans would notice, since the guys were consummate professionals, but I could tell that something was going on. Justin looked tense, and Lance was feeding off of it, too. The other three were all reacting accordingly, and I wondered if it had anything to do with Chad's overly solicitous sudden competence. I didn't wait for the show to close, and was already heading backstage before the last number, nodding to security and flashing my pass as I went through. Some of the fans recognized me, and waved as I went by, and I waved back absently before I vanished backstage, knowing my way around. I went to the side of the stage, knowing where they'd exit, because I'd promised Josh that I would be there, and I never broke a promise. He must have been thinking of it, too, because he was the first one out, and he was looking around as he came through the last black curtain. 

"Jack!" he yelped, trotting toward me. He was still on his stage high, his hair dripping with sweat, his clothes clinging to his firm torso, and he grabbed me, spinning me around, my feet leaving the floor as I laughed. "Oh baby, you're here!" 

"I promised I'd be here," I said, sliding down him, chest to chest, as he lowered me to the floor. I kept my arms around his shoulders, and pressed my mouth against his, feeling his hands sliding up my back as he held me to him, making a little contented moan. I felt Joey, Chris, Lance, and Justin tap me on the shoulder as they went by, smiling and nodding at each other, and I called down the hall after them. "Great show, guys!" 

Josh pulled back, looking at me thoughtfully, his blue eyes probing mine. 

"You're lying," he whispered, low so that none of the crew could hear. 

"I know," I answered, holding him. His smile was still there, but I could see the line between his eyebrows. He was still in performance mode, mostly, but as he slipped out of it his smile was dropping. "Are you ok Josh? Not everyone else, but you?" 

"Now that you're here," he answered, hugging me tightly. I could feel his heart pounding in his chest as I rested a hand on it. "Jack, that dream scared the hell out of me. I know it sounds stupid, but it seemed so real. We were touring, and you flew out, and you never came back, and when I woke up I was all alone in the bed. Junior was with me, and you were gone, and I don't want to think about that, Jack, never again. I don't know if I'd be able to keep going, if I could still do it, without you." 

"I won't leave you, Josh," I said, not sure how I intended to keep such a promise, but I did. I meant every word I said. I kissed him on the forehead. "Let's go get you changed, and then we can talk about everyone else, ok?" 

We walked hand in hand down the hall to the dressing rooms, and Josh went inside, looking at me curiously when I paused in the hall. I tapped at the door. 

"You guys ok if I come in?" I asked, not wanting to invade their privacy. 

"Sure," Joey answered. I could hear him giggling. "We let JC in." 

"Come on in," Chris said, giggling too. "Why should you be the only one who hasn't seen Joey's fat hairy ass?" 

"You guys," Josh said, shaking his head as he pulled me inside. 

Contrary to Chris's statements, there were no hairy asses on display. Both of them were in undershirts, and already had pants on, having had an extra minute or two while Josh and I talked by the stage. Josh immediately began peeling clothing off as I took a seat in a side chair, my normally shy boy completely comfortable stripping down to his boxer briefs in front of the two of them. My mouth practically filled with saliva as I watched Josh peel his clothes off and towel himself, blotting at his rounded chest, and the ladderlike ripple of his abs. He knew I was watching, and made quite a production of bending over to swab the sweat from his legs with a towel. My eyes followed every move, every line, and every muscle, drinking him in, before Chris's fingers suddenly snapped in front of my face. 

"I wouldn't have let you in if I'd known JC was going to go all softcore porno on us over there," Chris said, shaking his head. He turned to Josh, who was blushing as he reached for more clothes. "Could you please get dressed, so we can get on the bus and take this back to the hotel, where we don't all have to watch?" 

"Sorry," Josh said. Before he could say anything else, the door burst open, and Justin hurried inside, flinging his arms around Joey, of all people. 

"I'm sorry," Justin sobbed, as Chris hurried over to push the door closed again. "I'm sorry, Joey, I couldn't do it." 

"Calm down," Joey soothed, looking helplessly at us as Justin clung to him. I felt completely baffled as Josh went for a box of tissues on the counter, and Joey pulled Justin toward a chair. No one seemed the least bit surprised at Justin coming running to Joey, or, if they were, they were more concerned about Justin being so upset. "Whatever it is, it's ok, Justin. Come sit down and tell me what's wrong." 

"I'm sorry," Justin repeated. "I tried to, to be strong, and I wanted to tell him, and I, I, it's too late, Joey. It's too late." 

"Tell who what?" Josh asked, handing Justin a tissue as he slumped into a chair. Chris and I stared at each other, realizing neither of us had the answers. "Justin?" 

"Do you want a drink?" Joey asked, and I went for a water bottle before Justin could nod, pressing it into his shaking hand. Justin swallowed it, his eyes closed, as Joey rubbed his back. "Do you want everyone else to stay in here?" 

Josh shot Joey a glare, like he was about to protest, and I put a hand on his shoulder as he knelt on the floor, passing Justin tissues. If Justin wanted us to leave, we would go, no questions asked, and Josh knew it. He just needed a little reminding. 

"Nobody has to leave," Justin said quietly, swallowing, as he got himself under control. "I tried, Joey, I really tried." 

"I'm sure you did," Joey said, holding his hand. The two of them had really rebuilt their friendship while none of us were looking, and while that was a great thing to see it did nothing to answer our questions. "Do you want to tell me what happened?" 

Justin nodded, but didn't say anything. Josh took his other hand, and Justin looked at him gratefully, his lips almost curling into a smile. 

"Justin, please let us help you," Josh said. "We care about you so much, all of us. Please, just tell us what's wrong." 

"I wanted, wanted to, I tried to," Justin began, still flustered and upset. I'd noticed lately that Justin had trouble articulating things sometimes, which would have been hard to imagine when I met him. Joey squeezed his hand, tugging on his arm a little. 

"Why don't I bring everyone up to speed, and you calm yourself down a little more, ok?" Joey asked. Justin nodded. "You just jump back in whenever you feel like you can." 

"Thank you," Justin whispered, laying his forehead against Joey's for a second. Joey turned to all of us. 

"Here's the short version," Joey began, still rubbing Justin's back. Josh was doing it, too, and I was rubbing Josh's back as I stood behind him. "Justin had a horrible night trying to sleep alone in his suite last night, and by the time this morning rolled around he was having a lot of trouble. I happened to be in the hallway, and stopped to help him. I ended up spending the whole day with him, as you guys know, but Jack, you didn't. I got Justin back to sleep, got some food in him, and helped him get back on his feet to be here tonight. In the middle of that somewhere, Justin realized that I'm still his friend after all, and that I still love him." 

"We noticed," Chris said, smiling. "And we like it." 

"Thanks," Joey said, as Justin smiled. "We like it, too. Anyway, we were talking, and Justin explained why he was in that suite over there by himself." 

"And that was?" I asked, since no one else said anything. Joey swallowed uncomfortably. 

"Justin thought that, um," Joey began, clearly not wanting to speak about Justin in the third person while he sat there in front of us. "Justin thought." 

"I thought I should move across the hall because of Lance," Justin said quietly, squeezing Joey's hand again. "I thought that I was hurting Lance, and I wanted him to be free, to not, I don't know, I didn't want him to be unhappy because of me, so I thought I should go." 

"How would you ever make Lance unhappy?" Josh asked quietly. "Lance cares about you, Justin. He wouldn't want you to go." 

"I thought he might," Justin said, shaking his head. "I didn't think he'd say it, but I thought I was keeping Lance from being happy, and I want him to be, so I thought I should go, because I don't ever want to hurt him." 

"What does this have to do with tonight?" Chris asked. "What does this have to do with how upset you were just now?" 

"I love Lance," Justin said, looking down. He didn't catch us all looking at each other, but none of us looked as surprised as he might have thought we would have. I'd been wondering for a while when Justin and Lance would figure out what all the rest of us kind of thought was true. "Not like a brother. I love him, and I didn't want to hurt him. I didn't think he could, Lance won't love me, so I thought I should leave, so that he could find someone else, without me hanging on him all the time." 

"Um, Justin," I began, intending to tell him that Lance probably loved him, too, despite the emotional minefield that was their relationship. A look from Joey silenced me, and I wondered what else we didn't know. Why did it seem like there was always another secret? 

"I told Justin to stop running away," Joey said, standing with a hand on Justin's shoulder. "I told him that he should tell Lance, and let Lance know how he feels, for better or for worse, because it's killing him to keep trying to bury this." 

"So what happened?" Chris asked. "What happened when you told him?" 

"I didn't," Justin answered, looking down, his eyes watering as if he might start crying again. He looked up at Joey apologetically, as if he had displeased a favorite teacher. "I wanted to, Joey. I tried to do what you said. I tried to be strong, and to fight, and I couldn't do it." 

"Just tell us what happened, " Joey said, rubbing his back again. "Just tell us what happened and we'll help you, Justin. We're all here for you." 

"I tried to tell him, but I got nervous," Justin said. He sounded so sad. "I couldn't make the words come out, so I told him, I said I was coming to see you, to ask you something. I went to the bathroom, and got a drink, and I thought, I remembered what you said about not quitting, about fighting, and I went back to our dressing room. I started to open the door, and Chad, Chad was, Lance has a date with Chad!" 

We all stared at each other as Josh handed Justin another tissue. Justin was in love with Lance? Fine. Joey thought Justin should tell him? Fine again. Another good idea. Lance had a date with Chad? What the hell? Chad? Last week Chad can't keep his hands off of Josh, and now suddenly he's dating Lance? This was why he'd been so nice in the car. He knew I'd find out about this, and he knew I'd get pissed off. I spoke without thinking, and startled us all. 

"I knew we should have fired him," I blurted, and fought the urge to slap my hand over my mouth. Chris snickered, and Josh handed Justin another tissue. 

---

CHAPTER 124

---

LANCE'S POV: 

Lance stood in the elevator next to Chad, aware of how close they were standing, side by side, shoulders brushing a little. The faint smell of Chad's cologne, for once not a gallon bucket of it, drifted through the small space, light and fresh, a hint of the possible, if not necessarily the probable. Chad glanced at him, bright blue eyes sparkling in the elevator, cheeks rosy, and smiled as Lance smiled back at him. Chad's hair seemed to sparkle a little under the lights, too, and Lance noticed that his hair gel actually had little tiny flecks of glitter in it, golden twinkles to go with his golden streaked hair, highlights added that were so light they were almost white. 

Lance had kind of wanted to say goodbye to Justin, at least for the night, to check on him and make sure that he was ok again. After every show Justin had a little bit of a slip, a small crying fit or crisis of confidence, and Lance wondered where Justin would go with it tonight. If he wouldn't have it here, with Lance, would he have it with Joey? Lance felt another surge of resentment bubble up inside him, another wave of disappointment that Justin could find it so easy to just let everything Joey had done go. Lance had tried all of his life to try to be that kind of forgiving, to not hold things against people, but he couldn't do it. Whenever he thought of Joey, he felt angry again, and he envied Justin being able to just get past it, like it was nothing. Maybe Justin was with Joey right now, talking to him, hugging him, telling him everything that scared him and everything he needed. 

Chad waited in the hall while Lance got changed, his casual after concert clothes not really appropriate for a ride in the park. Not only might someone see him, something Lance was actually fervently hoping to avoid, since he was still in the closet as far as the press was concerned, but he also wanted to look nice if this really was an actual date. Chad was trying very hard, working on toning it down a little, and also on not treating Lance like a celebrity all the time, and the least Lance could do was meet him halfway, and try to make him feel like this was kind of special, even if that wasn't exactly what Lance felt. Maybe if he put on the right clothes, and dressed the part of interested dating suitor, it would help him act it. 

Lance still didn't feel that way about Chad, although he thought he was covering it pretty well. He liked him as a friend, and he could recognize on an intellectual level that Chad was pretty cute, even if his personality could be somewhat grating at times. That was all there was, though, after the kisses and the other dates. Lance kept hoping that maybe something would come of this, maybe he could keep working on it, and those feelings could grow. It happened all the time. People fell in love, people found each other. Chad seemed to like him, and maybe, with enough hope, Lance could start to like Chad, too. Friendship was already there, and that could be a foundation to build on. As for why it was Chad, why Lance was so willing to keep trying with him, well, why not? He was a nice guy, he accepted Lance for who he was, and he was harmless. Chad would never, ever be able to hurt Lance, not like he'd been hurt before, and that was important to him. 

Even if he didn't get to say goodbye to Justin, Lance wanted to let him know that he could stay in Lance's room tonight if he needed to, that the offer was still always open. He knew Justin couldn't be as strong as he was pretending to be, that he can't have had a good night over there by himself, but he didn't want to force the issue. As he'd thought all along, something must be wrong, but he didn't know what. He also didn't want to just call Justin, and leave him a message on his phone to let him know he could come over if he wanted to. It seemed too flippant, too much like not giving Justin's problems the weight they deserved, not extending him the kind of special consideration he needed to get better. 

When they'd finally left the venue, Lance looked back at the bus, still trying to figure out what was wrong, what he could have done to push Justin away, and then Chad tapped him on the shoulder. 

"Are you sure you want to go?" Chad asked, following Lance's eyes. 

"Yeah, yeah, of course I do, " Lance answered, forcing a smile. "I'm just thinking about other stuff. I'm sorry." 

"Are you sure?" Chad asked. "If you're tired or something, we don't have to." 

"No," Lance said quickly, squeezing Chad's hand, seeing how visibly it affected him. Chad shivered, smiling, all concern over whatever was bothering completely forgotten as he realized that Lance was holding his hand, and they were on a date. "I want to be here, with you, Chad." 

It might have been to convince Chad, or he might have said it to convince himself. Lance wasn't really keeping track anymore. 

The evening out with Chad was nice, the same way everything he did with Chad was nice. Not only was Chad nonthreatening, he was also pleasant, and eager to please. If you weren't talking, Chad talked for you. If you couldn't think of something fun to do, Chad would, blurting out suggestions until you finally settled on one. Chad wanted to make sure that you saw everything, that you enjoyed everything, and that at the end of the night you remembered that you'd done it with Chad. Lance couldn't imagine having a fight with Chad, or ever arguing with him about anything. If Lance didn't want to do something, or didn't think something was a good idea, Chad almost immediately deferred to him. The only time Chad hadn't spontaneously surrendered had been the day they went shopping, when he got Lance to buy that shirt. 

Lance paused as he walked down the park paths with Chad, barely listening as Chad pointed out flowers and bushes and fountains, and stopped to read plaques next to trees. Lance was frequently half tuned out when he went anywhere with Chad, but he was pretty sure Chad didn't notice, since Chad was always excited enough for both of them. As he stopped for a second, Lance realized that everything had started, all of the current strain and trouble between him and Justin, the night he had worn that shirt. He had thought for the past couple of days that it had to do with Nick coming back, with running into him at the party, but the real issue had started when Lance had worn that clinging, kind of sexy shirt that Chad had dressed him in. No, actually, the issue had started when Justin had seen Lance wearing it, which was a completely different thing. Justin had seen Lance in the boxers he slept in, but that was a little more innocent than Lance deliberately wearing something sexy. Had he been the one who threw a wrench between them, when he decided to wear that shirt? Before he could follow up that thought Chad was tugging his sleeve and babbling excitedly about the carriage ride. 

"Look, there it is!" Chad said, pulling Lance along. "That's our driver! I talked to her on the phone when I called this afternoon. Hi! Hi, it's me, Chad!" 

"Right on time," the driver said, shrugging. 

She escorted them to the carriage, talking her way easily through what Lance was sure was a preplanned spiel, which Chad followed with rapt attention, absorbing every word. Chad asked about the driver, the carriage, the city, and everything else that seemed to pop into his mind. 

"Did you hear that, Lance?" Chad asked, grinning. "Our horse's name is Checkers! I love checkers!" 

Lance smiled at Chad, hoping it didn't look patronizing, as he heard Chris, Jack, and Joey making sarcastic comments in his head. 

As they rode around the park, the guide pointing out things like statues and bandstands, Lance couldn't help but think about another romantic evening he'd been on, a long time ago, so long ago that he felt like a different person had been there. When he had first met Howie, not their unofficial meeting, but the one after JC and Jack had come out, they had gone to the Santa Monica pier. They'd eaten seafood, and ridden the tiny coaster there. Howie had played games, and Lance had gotten their pictures done in a little photo booth they walked past. They'd ridden the Ferris wheel, and sometime, during that evening, Lance and Howie had fallen in love. It took a little longer for them to work it out, for them to be ok with it, but looking back Lance was certain that somewhere during that night, during that long date, maybe on the carousel or maybe over dinner, he and Howie had fallen hard for each other. He'd felt it while it happened, and he'd felt it afterward, feelings so strong and new and frightening that they almost tore him apart, and he didn't feel anything like that now. He liked Chad, but that was all he was ever going to feel for him. 

The carriage glided to a stop, and Lance found Chad staring at him. 

"You want to go back to the hotel?" Chad asked. "It's getting kind of late." 

"Yeah, I probably should," Lance agreed. He was tired, but at least they didn't have to travel tomorrow. They had a second show here tomorrow night, so they didn't have to be up early unless they wanted to be. 

The two of them didn't really speak as they rode back, Chad looking out the windows, and Lance trying to figure out why he didn't feel anything for Chad. Was it just that Chad wasn't the right one for him? Or was there something else? Why did he still have this nagging feeling that he was cheating on someone, when he didn't have anyone to cheat on? Chad kept talking, but Lance needed someone to talk to. He needed someone who understood him, someone he felt safe sharing things with, someone who wouldn't worry about him or his mental state. He needed Justin, who listened to him quietly and then asked if he needed anything. He needed Justin, who held his hand when he had a nightmare, and who, more often, was the one who needed holding. Justin would understand this. Justin would be able to help him work this out, if he could just bring himself to talk to Lance again, if one of them could reach out to the other and reopen whatever door had been closed between them. 

So, there they were in the elevator, Chad throwing little glances at him, looking Lance up and down and then looking away, and Lance staring steadily at Chad, running his eyes over Chad's features and trying to figure out how he could think Chad was attractive but not be attracted to him. Lance knew that Chad was taking his looks for something else, for interest, but wasn't sure how to head it off. He didn't want to hurt his feelings, and before he could think of a way to work it out they were at his door, and Chad was leaning in a little, planting another one of those kisses on Lance. Lance didn't move, didn't try to stop him, figuring this would be another one of those fast kisses goodbye, but Chad lingered, pressing his mouth to Lance's, and Lance jumped as he felt the very tip of Chad's tongue graze over his bottom lip. He looked down into Chad's eyes, a fraction of an inch below his own, and saw something else there, something he was fully conscious of as Chad leaned into him, his chest touching Lance's, his knee between both of Lance's own. Chad's hand darted into Lance's pocket and removed his key card, and Lance seemed frozen to stop him as Chad reached behind him, not moving himself away from Lance, and then the door to Lance's room clicked open, and Lance stepped back, stumbling inside as Chad nudged the door closed behind him. 

---

JACK'S POV: 

"I think you were too hard on Kevin," Josh said quietly, taking another sip of his water. Champagne would have been really romantic, but he'd just done a show, and sweated out about half his body weight. No way was I giving him something that would dehydrate him. 

"You're thinking about that now?" I blurted, staring across the tub at him. "Why did I even bother taking all of my clothes off?" 

Josh and I had ridden back from the concert holding hands and leaning on each other, as we usually did, watching Justin stare longingly out the bus window as we pulled away without Lance. I didn't see him or my conniving whore of a personal assistant outside anywhere, but knew that Justin was searching for them anyway, eager to masochistically punish himself with a glimpse of the two of them dating and having fun without him, doing what he wanted but wouldn't let himself have. Joey was right when he said that Justin kept punishing himself, kept trying to make amends for something Lance had forgiven himself for a long time ago. Deep down, Justin didn't think he deserved to be happy, and I wondered what the hell he was paying his therapist for if they couldn't sort that out. 

"Justin, can we do anything?" I asked. "Is there anywhere you want to go, or anything you want to do? We could go see a movie, or, um, something." 

"No, it's ok," Justin said, staring out the back window as we drove away. "I know you guys just want to help, but this, I don't think you can help with this. I don't think there's anything you guys can do." 

"We could fire Chad," I suggested, and Josh smacked me in the arm. 

"It's not really a good time to be funny," he said, frowning at me. 

"I'm not really kidding," I said, shrugging. 

"It doesn't matter," Justin said, his voice flat. "I shouldn't have said anything. I shouldn't have told you guys anything." 

"It's better than holding it inside," Chris said, walking over to sit down next to him. He put a hand on Justin's back, and Justin sighed, leaning back a little. "Joey's right, though. You should tell Lance, Justin. The two of you, you both tell me that you never lie to each other, and you're not really being true to that if you don't tell him this, too." 

"I'm not being true to it by falling in love with him, either," Justin whispered, pressing his forehead to the glass. He had his legs drawn up under himself, as if he was trying to fold himself into a ball. "We promised that we would take care of each other, and that we would be there for each other, and this isn't part of that. I didn't mean for this to happen. I didn't want to feel this way, not about Lance, and I can't." 

"There's nothing wrong with the way you feel," Josh said. 

"Yes there is," Justin said, his voice getting lower. "If I tell Lance, it's going to hurt him so much. He's not going to feel like he can talk to me anymore, and he's not going to feel right around me. He'll worry about what he's saying, and doing, and it'll just get more and more uncomfortable." 

"Or he could realize he loves you, too," Joey said. "This could be the best thing that ever happened to both of you." 

"Or the worst," Justin said, turning to us. His face was lined with pain. "Even if Lance does love me, I can't love him back, not completely. I can't, it bothers me to think about, about, you know, the rest of it." 

Suddenly I saw the problem. Justin might love Lance, might be in love with him, but he still had his problem with sex. He couldn't even say the word, and I could see by looking at him that he was uncomfortable even thinking about it. Chris kept rubbing his back, but Justin shuddered, closing his eyes for a minute. 

"That's not the most important thing in a relationship, Justin," Josh said softly, still holding my hand. "If you love each other, the rest of it will work out." 

"I'm not a little kid, Josh, " Justin said, not sharply but with resignation. "I know it's not the most important thing, but I can't ignore it, either. If Lance loved me, I'd be cheating him, because I wouldn't be able to love him the way he deserves, because of, you know, because of what happened to me. I can't, I can't keep Lance from having a full life. He deserves to be happy. He deserves someone better than me, someone who can love him the way he needs." 

"Justin, if anyone knows how to get through that, it's Lance," Joey said quietly. "He'll understand the way you feel, and he'll help you get through it. Do you really think he wouldn't? Do you think he wouldn't understand, or he would rush you into something you weren't ready for? You know he never would, Justin." 

A tear slid down Justin's cheek, and he turned back to the window, away from us, so that we wouldn't see it. Chris squeezed his shoulder, which shook a little. 

"I'm so scared," Justin whispered, barely audible over the sound of the bus rolling down the streets. "I'm so scared of losing him." 

"I don't think you're going to," I said. "I think Lance loves you, too, Justin. He's probably just afraid to say it, for the same reasons that you are. One of you has to be brave enough to go for it." 

"I don't know if I can do that to him," Justin said. "I don't know if I can put him in that position." 

"What you're doing to yourself is worse," Chris said. "I've seen you do this, Justin, we all have. I'm not going to watch it again." 

"Justin, I knew you loved me, " Josh said, and we all looked at him. "You told me, and when the time came, I chose Jack. You might think that Lance would be happy with Chad, but you're not letting him have the same choice. That's not fair to either of you." 

"I can't just tell him," Justin said, shaking his head. "I can't do that. I have to do something, but I don't know what I'm gonna do." 

We were all quiet, watching the hotel come closer, trying to figure out a way to help Justin and Lance. The two of them were perfect for each other, even after everything that had happened between them. I'd never seen two people who were so in tune, and who cared about each other so much, other than Josh and I. Chris spoke finally. 

"I know what you're going to do," Chris said, smiling. We all looked at him, even Justin, waiting to see what pearls of wisdom would drop from our wise sage's lips. Chris was always the smart one, the one who quietly played our big brother. "Tonight, you're going to sleep in my room, and Joey's going to sleep over, too. We're going to steal Junior, and we're going to order nachos and pizza, and we're going to have a slumber party." 

"We can't paint each other's toenails," Joey said, nodding. 

"And prank call Jack and JC, " Chris continued. 

"And put our underwear in the freezer," Joey added. 

"And stay up really late," Chris said. 

"And watch bad movies on cable," Joey added. 

"And give Joey a facial!" Chris finished, the two of them clapping their hands. Justin was smiling in spite of himself, and I just shook my head. 

"You two need so much help," I said, snickering. 

"I know whose cell phone is going to ring first," Chris said, sticking his tongue out at me. 

Josh and I left the three of them to plan their evening together, happily depositing Junior in Justin's waiting hands and knowing that Justin would be ok with the two of them to lean on for the night. Between them, I was sure they'd think of something. If not, we could always just lock Lance and Justin in a room together until one of them blurted it out. Josh started to run the bath when we walked into the suite, dropping in some bubble bath, and as we peeled off our clothes I told him how my dinner with Kevin went. He knew I was going, and we'd talked about how much I should tell Kevin. Josh told me that he'd trust my judgment, and as I explained how it went, he nodded. After we got in the tub, though, he'd apparently thought about it some more. 

"I'm sorry," Josh said, smiling at me from the other side of the tub. I made a mental note to thank the management for booking hotels with such enormous bathrooms. "If these bubbles weren't here, you could see exactly how aware I am of your wet, naked body. As it is, well, you can just imagine." 

"Or I could go by feel," I said slyly, moving my foot over. I settled it onto his hard cock, and he tilted his head back, sighing, as I massaged him carefully with the sole of my foot. Josh held out a hand to me. 

"Come here," he purred, and I slid across the tub, draping myself over him, feeling his tired, firm body pressing against mine, all that skin and muscle sliding easily against each other. Josh kissed me on the lips, smiling and holding me against him. "I love you, Jack, but you're not going to distract me with a footjob." 

"Is that the appropriate technical term for that sexual act?" I asked, smirking. I settled against him as he ran his fingers lightly through my hair. "If you want to talk, we can save the rest for later." 

"I just think you were too hard on Kevin," Josh repeated. "I know you were upset, and I can't say I would have done any better, but he's never done anything to either of us. He's only ever been our friend, Jack, and I think you need to respect that more." 

"I know he's our friend, Josh, but the things he said," I argued. 

"I know, but I don't think you're seeing it from Kevin's side," Josh said. "Do you remember when you flew out to see me at my parents', and told me about Justin and Lance? Do you remember what the very first thing I said to you was?" 

"You didn't believe me," I said, remembering. I sighed, realizing that, once again, Josh was right, and I was just going with my gut instinct, and not thinking things through. 

"No, I didn't," Josh agreed. "Not until I heard it from Justin, too. Kevin, well, nobody wants to hear something like that about someone they love. It's hard to imagine, Jack, to think that someone you care about is capable of that, and has something like that inside them. I think you should have cut Kevin some slack for not handling it so well. Look at it this way: what kind of friend would you think he was if he immediately turned his back on Nick and Howie? Would you think any better of him then?" 

"Probably not," I agreed. 

"Maybe we should give Kevin a little time to think about it, and then give him a call," Josh suggested, rubbing my shoulders. "He promised to get them some help, Jack, and he's probably going to need some friends right now, too." 

"Maybe," I agreed, deciding that I would at least think about it. I was so lucky to have someone as selfless as Josh, who always managed to think of everyone else first. Josh kept rubbing my shoulders, and then he dipped his head down, fastening his mouth over my adam's apple. 

"I'll take maybe for now," he whispered, kissing along my throat. "Now, unless I'm mistaken, I think you and I were just about to start making out." 

"I'd say we already started, " I agreed, rolling my head back. "Let's get back to it." 

---

LANCE'S POV: 

"Oh, God, Lance," Chad sighed, slamming Lance up against the closed door. He ground his body against him, fastening his mouth over Lance's, and Lance felt himself responding, even if it was only on a physical level. 

Chad's hands were on Lance's ass, squeezing firmly, grinding Lance's pelvis against his own, and Lance could feel the hard spike of Chad's excitement grinding into him. Chad groaned into Lance's mouth, following it with his tongue, and Lance felt his own cock stiffening in his pants. He brought his hands to Chad's shoulders, gripping them, and felt the muscle moving beneath the shirt and skin. Chad's chest was pressed against his own, his nipples hard and pointing through the shirt, and his eyes were closed as he ground himself against Lance. Lance felt Chad's hands slide up his shirt, popping open the first button, and Lance slid his own hands down Chad's arms. He caught Chad's hands in his own, feeling Chad's whole body straining toward him, and his own body wanting to surrender to it. 

He couldn't do this. It felt completely wrong, and he couldn't just use Chad for sex because he was alone and horny. He tried to just close his eyes and let go, but he wasn't like that, and never had been. Sex always meant something to him, was always something beautiful and special and more about the feelings in his heart than about the ones in his pants. He couldn't ever be the kind of person for whom it didn't mean anything, and, while he was friends with Chad, he couldn't do this. He pulled Chad's hands carefully away from his shirt. 

"Chad," he said firmly. 

"Oh, Lance, I want you so bad," Chad whispered, not opening his eyes. 

"Chad!" Lance said again, and Chad stopped grinding against him, pausing to stare curiously. Lance stepped away from him, still holding Chad's hands in his own. "Chad, I can't do this. I'm sorry. I just, I can't." 

Chad stepped away from him, looking a little wounded, but not surprised. Lance felt bad about hurting him, but he would have hurt him more if he went through with it. 

"Is it me?" Chad asked, looking away. "You don't like me?" 

"No," Lance said, shaking his head. "No, Chad, I like you. The past few days, you've been a great friend to me, and I've really liked hanging out with you, but I just, I don't feel that way about you, Chad. I'm sorry." 

Chad walked away from Lance, flicking on one of the lamps in the suite room, and Lance squirmed uncomfortably, rebuttoning the top of his shirt. He could tell that Chad was a little upset, and he moved away from the door, in case Chad wanted to leave. 

"I guess I should be glad you didn't go through with it," Chad said, not turning around. "I mean, at least you like me and respect me enough not to just sleep with me anyway. If you don't like me that way, though, what's been going on the past couple days, Lance?" 

"I'm not sure," Lance said, sitting down. "I wasn't playing with you on purpose, like playing headgames or something. I really do like you as a friend." 

"Then what were you doing?" Chad asked, leaning on the wall. "Why did you kiss me if you didn't like me that way?" 

"Because I wanted to," Lance answered, looking at his hands. "I really wanted to like you, Chad. You're a nice guy, and you're really cute, and I thought that maybe, if I just hung out with you enough, that maybe the rest of it would just come, and it didn't. I know you probably don't want to hear that, but I'm sorry, I really am." 

"I know," Chad answered. He smiled at Lance, a thin, rueful grin. "I guess I should have known." 

"What do you mean?" Lance asked. "I wasn't even sure." 

"I know, but I was kind of doing the same thing as you," Chad said. "I've had this feeling all week that you didn't quite like me, that you weren't all the way with me when we were out. I know you tried to cover it, but I'm not that blond, Lance. I can tell when someone I'm with is thinking about someone else." 

"But I'm not," Lance said, shaking his head. "I'm not with anyone else." 

Chad stared at him, his thin, carefully plucked eyebrows raised skeptically, and then understanding fanned across his face. 

"You really don't realize it, do you?" Chad asked, and Lance shook his head. What the hell was Chad talking about? "Lance, you are in love with someone. It's written all over your face, every time he walks into the room." 

"Chad, I'm not," Lance insisted, shaking his head. Chad stood, and crossed the room to Lance, standing over him with his arms crossed. 

"Yeah, you are, and you don't need me to tell you who," Chad said, leaning down to kiss Lance on the forehead. Lance stared at him in confusion. "It's been fun dating Lance Bass for the week, and it's been fun getting to know Lance, too. If you think about it long enough, you'll figure it out." 

Lance watched as Chad walked over to the door, where he turned back. 

"Good night, Lance," Chad said, shrugging. "If you need a really big hint, look across the hall." 

The door closed, and Chad was gone. Lance stared at the space where he had been, and thought about what he'd said. He couldn't be in love with Justin. He wasn't allowed to be. He cared about Justin, and he took care of Justin, but he couldn't be in love with him, could he? 

---

CHAPTER 125

---

JOEY'S POV: 

The clacking of the laptop keys, however softly Justin intended to type, woke Joey from his place on the couch, and he looked up, blinking, as Junior came charging over, sensing movement. Before Joey had a chance to even fully open his eyes, Junior was slobbering all over him, swiping over Joey's face with his tongue and wagging his tail. Joey sat up quickly, trying to escape, and Junior jumped onto his lap. Jack had probably trained the damn dog to be annoyingly persistent. No way was Bri getting one anytime soon. 

"Did I wake you?" Justin asked, sitting on the floor in front of the coffee table. His legs, covered in pajama bottoms, were flung out in front of him, and his blue eyes shone in the light of the computer screen. Joey checked him carefully, but there were no circles under his eyes. He actually looked pretty good. 

The same couldn't be said for their suite room, although technically that would just be Chris's problem, if they felt like handing it off to him. Plates sat all around the room, half eaten orders of nachos and processed cheese congealing on some, and pizza stiffening on others. A few cookies were left on one of them, and there was also food strewn across the floor where Junior had gotten into it in the middle of the night. They'd been careful not to get chocolate, since that would poison him, but Joey thought he'd seen the dog lapping at Chris's beer bottle at least once. They'd never be allowed to babysit again at this rate. Junior's belly was bulging, and Joey guessed he'd been eating for most of the night, while they all slept. 

Speaking of sleeping, he craned his head around looking for Chris, and saw him still passed out in the bedroom. They'd had a great night, watching movies from the eighties, pigging out, and drinking, although Justin had passed on the alcohol. Chris drank enough for both of them, though, finally collapsing into the bed that he and Justin had shared last night, along with Junior. One of Chris's feet, still in sneakers, peeked out from under the sheets, and he was still fully dressed. Justin was wearing an undershirt and a pair of pajama bottoms, and looked like he'd finally gotten a good night's sleep. Joey, having slept on the couch, couldn't quite say the same, but he wouldn't say a word. The whole night had been about making Justin feel better, and it had apparently worked, at least a little. 

"A little," Joey answered, looking around to see what time it was. "Why are you up?" 

"I've been looking for some stuff online," Justin said, as if this was a normal part of his morning routine. Normally Justin was comatose before breakfast, and sometimes before lunch as well. "Did you know you can find sheet music on the web?" 

"No," Joey answered honestly. "You can find almost everything else, though." 

"You think the concierge will print this for me downstairs?" Justin asked, writing down web addresses on a napkin. 

"Probably," Joey answered, trying to figure out what was going on. They didn't need sheet music. The band already knew all their songs. He was about to ask what was going on when Justin cut him off again. 

"I'm going to go get cleaned up in a minute," Justin said. "And then I'm going downstairs to print this. I'm going to offer the band some money to head over to the arena and work on this with me. Do you and Chris want to come?" 

"Work on what, Justin?" Joey asked. "I mean, what the hell are you doing? What are you and the band working on?" 

Justin swallowed, looking down, and then smiled at Joey, his eyes bright. 

"I was thinking last night, and this morning," Justin said. "About what everyone said, and what I should do, and I think I figured out a way. I can't talk to Lance, Joey. I tried, and when I do, I get all choked up. I get nervous, and tongue tied, and I'll never be able to tell him. I realized something, though. I never choke when I'm onstage, Joey." 

"Wait, Justin," Joey said, blinking. Was he still asleep? 

"I have to go get dressed," Justin said, standing. He was still smiling. "Wake up Chris if you guys want to go." 

"Justin, are you sure this is a good idea?" Joey asked, wondering exactly how Justin intended to serenade Lance in front of a few thousand fans. 

"No," Justin answered, shaking his head. "But I'm gonna do it anyway." 

"You got some balls on you, kid," Joey said, shaking his head. Maybe their pep talk had worked a little too well. 

"Of course I do," Justin said, smiling. Inside, he was nervous as hell, but he knew that if he slowed down long enough to actually think about this he would talk himself out of it. "I'm Justin Timberlake." 

The door closed behind him, and Joey ran to the bedroom to rouse Chris. They'd woken the sleeping giant, and Joey didn't intend to miss a minute of the show. 

---

JACK'S POV: 

"I don't care what you say," I began, pulling on the laces. "These pants are just weird." 

"They look hot, though," Josh said, running his hand over my shoulder as he walked by. "Let me just find you those boots." 

"Josh, these have a lace up crotch," I said, tugging on them again. I didn't want to tighten them to the point of sterilization, but they just felt odd. 

"Don't tuck the laces in," Josh said, dropping a pair of cowboy boots in front of me. "Leave them hanging, and they'll, you know, call attention to your crotch." 

"Josh!" I said, looking up to see him blushing. "I don't want all the attention focused on my crotch." 

"Would it kill you to look sexy every once in a while?" Josh asked. I glared at him, and he backpedaled. "Not that you don't look sexy all the time anyway, but, you know, every once in a while you could dress the part." 

Josh was busily dressing me for an interview, which I would be giving from the seats while the guys did their sound checks. I figured I would just wear whatever, but Josh was insistent that I start dressing for the press, and had picked through his closet until he found something "just perfect" for me. He had me decked out in a pair of buckskin pants, with the aforementioned lace up crotch, and a long sleeved extremely tight white t-shirt, with the top opened in a rather deep v-neck. Josh pointed out that it highlighted my necklace, and my chest, but the last time I'd worn an outfit this tight had been when I smacked on a wetsuit at the resort where we got married. 

"Josh, what are people going to think when they see this?" I asked. "I mean, I look sexy, but it's kind of trampy." 

"You and I aren't really capable of trampy, Jack," Josh sighed, grabbing my hand. "Come on. I want to do your hair." 

"Wonderful," I smiled. "Please, no glitter." 

"OK," Josh smiled, pulling me into the bathroom. "I'll have you know, my mom bought those pants." 

"I'm stunned," I said, grinning, as Josh began to pick through his bottles of product. "I'll have to give her a call later." 

"You know she loves to hear from you," Josh said, giggling. He looked seriously at me in the mirror for a minute. "Do you think about your parents a lot?" 

"Evelyn and Jack Senior?" I asked, smirking. "Why on earth would I?" 

"Not them," Josh said, running his hands through my hair, smearing it with something. "I meant your real parents." 

"Where did this come from?" I asked, curious. 

"I don't know," Josh answered, shrugging. "It's just, you know, whenever we talk about Kevin, I think about how you guys have the same last name, and it gets me thinking about your family." 

"Yeah, but Kevin and I aren't family," I said, grinning. It was random coincidence, which Josh knew, since he'd helped me find the private investigator who'd looked into my background. After we found out about Nancy, I wanted to see if I had any other relatives, but it appeared that I did not. Josh's family was my family. 

"Do you think about your dad, though?" Josh asked. "I mean, I wonder who he is. Don't you?" 

"Not really," I answered, shrugging. "I wanted to know where I came from, and what we found is enough for me. Besides, you're my family now. You, and your family, and the guys. You're all the family I need." 

I reached up to pull his head down as I sat on the edge of the tub, letting him work on my hair, and he leaned down to kiss me. It wasn't quite the upside down Spider-Man kiss, but it was a fairly awkward angle, and I almost fell into the tub. 

"Speaking of, we should probably grab Lance before we go over," Josh said, teasing a couple of strands to hang over my forehead. "He's probably feeling like the odd man out today, with everyone else there already and you and me locked in here." 

"We probably should," I agreed, checking myself in the mirror. Josh had done a damn good job with the hair. I looked like part of the band. "Josh, what do you think's going to happen tonight?" 

We were both a little nervous about Justin's plan, which Chris had told us about over the phone, mainly because Justin had one. Every time someone in this group had a plan, something ended up going horribly awry, and someone ended up in tears and needing therapy. Justin was going to put it all on the line tonight, and none of us knew exactly how. Was Justin planning to out himself and Lance? Would it be something quieter, that only the two of them, and maybe those of us who knew, would get? And how would Lance react? We were all pretty sure Lance felt the same way, but what if he didn't? What if he couldn't? I didn't know where Justin was dredging up the strength for this, and if Lance shot him down, I didn't know if he would ever recover. 

I sent Josh into the bedroom to find himself a shirt as someone knocked on the door. Peering through the peephole, I saw Chad standing in the hallway, playing nervously with a piece of paper. 

"Just a second," I said, turning to the bedroom to whisper to Josh. "It's Chad!" 

"No firing!" Josh hissed, flying out of the bedroom as he tugged his shirt on. He reached past me to pull the door open. "Hey, Chad, what's up?" 

"Can I talk to you guys for a minute?" Chad asked. We nodded, stepping aside to let him in, and walked over to the couches with him, wondering what was going on now. I glanced down at the paper in his hands, and saw that it was the letter from Josh and I, about his performance so far. 

"Did you borrow those pants from JC?" Chad asked, watching me sit. 

"Yeah, why?" I demanded, mentally chastising myself already for not reigning in my hostility. Josh squeezed my forearm gently. 

"You wear them pretty well," Chad said quickly. He was looking pretty subdued again today, in black jeans and a long sleeved black shirt. I wanted to ask him who died, but was afraid someone might have. Josh would never forgive me if I said something that cold, even to someone I didn't like. "They're just not you." 

"Did you need something, Chad?" Josh asked. "We kind of wanted to get over to the arena soon, because of Jack's interview." 

"Yeah, sorry," Chad said, swallowing. "I just wanted to say thank you to you guys. This job has been, well, I never really thought that I would have an opportunity to work with people like you, and to do something like this, and go on tour with you guys, its been kind of like a dream come true for me. I've tried really hard to do my best, and I like to think that, you know, we haven't just been people who work together. You guys have tried really hard to let me into your lives, and I know that must be hard for people in your position, especially someone as private as Jack." 

Josh and I glanced at each other. Was this what it sounded like? 

"I guess, um, I was so busy meeting people, and enjoying all the perks of my job, that I kind of ignored some important things," Chad said. "This letter brought it home for me, kind of. I've tried really hard, and someday I'll probably be really good at this, but right now, I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm not ready. I don't really belong here, and we all know it. We've been trying to ignore it, and keep everything really nice, but you guys don't need me as much as I needed to be here." 

"So you're quitting?" I asked, wondering now if I'd driven him out. 

"I was kind of hoping maybe you guys could help with that," Chad began. 

"What did you have in mind?" Josh asked, sitting up. 

"Well, I went through and got everything all set up for Jack's last speech," Chad said, crossing his fingers in his lap. "And there isn't really anything else I can do, except for the mail, but anybody could do that until you find someone new. I guess I was hoping you could get me back into the secretarial pool at Jive, so that I wouldn't have to start all over somewhere else." 

"I think we could do that," Josh said, and I nodded. "When did you want to do it?" 

"I already packed," Chad said, standing. "I had a short night last night, and I figured, you know, why wait?" 

Wow. He really meant this, and had no intention of letting us beg him to stay. That was just as well, since I had no intention of begging. Our next assistant was going to be a nice, older, grandmother type lady, who would bake Josh cookies, not try to get into his or Lance's pants. Josh and I stood, unsure of whether we should shake Chad's hand or just get the door, and he smiled at us. 

"It's been a lot of fun, guys," he said, shrugging. "I don't want to drag this out, though, so, um, goodbye, and good luck tonight." 

He darted out the door before we could even say goodbye, and Josh looked at me. 

"I wonder what brought that on?" he asked, staring at the door as if expecting Chad to pop back through it. 

"Who cares?" I blurted, clapping my hands. "He's gone!" 

Josh shot me a look of withering scorn. 

"Sorry," I said, struggling to suppress my delight. "I wonder what happened with him and Lance? He didn't mention it or anything." 

"I don't know," Josh answered, shrugging. "We probably shouldn't mention it, either, but, you know, they had a short night and now he's quitting." 

Lance's mood put a damper on my pleasure, something I never would have believed was possible. If you told me weeks ago that I would be less than wildly ecstatic on the day Chad quit, I would have asked you if you were on some sort of heavy drugs, or maybe if your bangs were hiding a lobotomy scar. When we collected Lance, he wasn't exactly sad. He just seemed kind of withdrawn, and out of it. In the taxi on the way over I asked him about it, after Josh and I got tired of staring at him. 

"Lance?" I asked, catching his eye finally as he stared out the window of the cab. "You ok?" 

"Yeah," he answered, smiling absently. "I'm just, you know, I was thinking about something else, that's all. Have you guys seen Justin today?" 

"He stopped by to drop Junior off," Josh answered. "Why?" 

"Just wondering," Lance answered, looking away again. I glanced at Josh, wondering if we should say something, but he just shrugged. 

When we got to the arena, I kissed Josh goodbye, and watched as he and Lance walked backstage to get fitted up with their microphones and hardware. There was always a small group of fans that got to come to the sound checks, usually people from the fan club who had won a raffle, and they were filing in as we entered. One of the bodyguards, not Andrew, who was off today, kept an eye on me as I sat a little way off from the fan club. I was still close to the stage, but there was enough room for me to meet my interviewer. I wasn't sure what magazine I was talking to, but they tended to all ask the same questions anyway, and I answered while keeping an eye on the stage. 

The guys tended to be playful during sound checks, talking to each other and waving to the fan club, but tonight the atmosphere was a little subdued. Justin was already on the stage when the other four came out, standing at the back talking to the band, and he barely nodded a hello to Lance, who looked momentarily stricken. Josh, Joey, and Chris spent the entire sound check watching the two of them expectantly, as did I. I wasn't sure what we were expecting, since Justin was going to wait until the show, but I was kind of hoping we might get a little hint. Instead, Justin acted like this was any other show warm- up, singing a few lines, dancing a couple of steps, and waving to the fans. I answered my interview questions while keeping one eye on the stage, which my interviewer took as my continuing devotion to Josh, and didn't realize was actually a better indicator of my slavish devotion to drama. 

I wanted this to work out for Justin and Lance, more than anything. The two of them had been through so much, and had dealt with so much pain, that I just wanted them to be happy. If they were going to be happy together, so be it. I just wanted it to finally happen, damn it. Chad was out of the way, Justin was over Josh, and nobody in the group was mad at anyone else. Things were never going to be more perfect than they were right now, and I wanted this to happen. Everything had been building to this for so long that I couldn't even imagine what it would be like when it was over, when Justin's heart was out on the table and the ball was in Lance's court, and I figured it was the same for the rest of the guys, too. We all needed this, needed something positive to come out of everything we had gone through. 

By the time dinner rolled around, the tension was starting to hang over us like a cloud. Justin looked a little shaky, like he was losing his nerve. Lance was staring at Justin like he wanted to say something, but couldn't find the words. Joey and Chris hung back, watching them like it was the best show on television, throwing Justin a thumbs up whenever Lance's back was turned, but I could tell that they were worried, too. The whole thing was starting to shift as it got closer to the kickoff time, and Josh's worry was evident as he sat by me, carrying his plate. The little frown line between his eyebrows was creasing into place, and I leaned over to kiss him on the cheek. 

"What's that for?" he asked, smiling. "Not that I mind." 

"Because I love you," I answered. "And I want you to stop worrying. There's nothing any of us can do anyway but wait." 

"So, Jack, how did your interview go?" Chris asked, trying to distract everyone. Unfortunately, I couldn't really play along well. 

"OK, I guess," I answered, shrugging. "I wasn't really paying attention. They asked all the regular questions. What's it like to date a boyband member? Is this where I thought I'd end up when I was in school?" 

"Do you always paint your pants on so tight we can read your underwear label?" Joey asked in the same tone of voice, and I gave him the finger as he and Chris snickered. 

"Just 'cause you and your evil elf friend there'll never it into them doesn't mean you have to be so jealous," I said, sneering. 

"I prefer the term leprechaun," Chris said, giggling. 

"Besides," I said smugly, "I'll have you know that Josh's mother picked out these pants herself." 

"She did not!" Chris said. I turned to Josh, and he was turning red. "I was with you when you bought those. I believe you said, and I quote, 'These pants would look really hot on Jack, and he'll never wear them.'" 

"Josh, did you have something to share with the rest of the class?" I asked. "Lying, Joshua Scott, is a sin, after all." 

"OK, I might have told a little white lie," Josh said. "But you look really hot in them, and the only reason you wore them is because you thought my mom thought they were ok." 

I leaned over and kissed Josh again. 

"Baby, if you wanted me to wear them, all you had to do was ask," I said. I leaned in really close to whisper in his ear. "They're going to look even hotter later, when I'm straddling you in them, and my shirt is gone, and the laces are all undone. Can you imagine that, Josh? All this nice soft leather stretched over my legs, and the front hanging open just enough for you to see how hot and hard I am for you?" 

"Jesus, Jack," Josh whispered huskily. 

"Consider that your punishment for lying," I said, standing. "I'm going to my seat, and you guys have warm-ups to do. See you after the show." 

"Jack!" Josh yelped, unable to stand. I walked away, snickering to myself, certain that I looked enticing in these damn pants. 

I barely noticed the opening act, or the other people in the VIP section with me. None of the guys had family members with them on this tour, so I didn't have anyone to sit with, and I didn't know any of the other people there. The crowd was all warmed up, and when the opener was over and the guys came out, I could see that the tone among them had shifted again. I didn't know what they'd said to Lance as part of their preshow ritual, but he looked a lot more relaxed, and the rest of the guys were now bursting with excitement, spending most of the show grinning, something that hardly ever happened. Josh told me afterward that when they were in the quiet room Justin had apologized to Lance for getting his own room so abruptly, and had asked Lance if they could talk about it after the show. I toyed with my backstage pass, and figured that they might have other things to discuss by the time the show was over. 

Josh was in rare form tonight as well, maybe feeding off the others, or just genuinely happy to have me here with him. He waved at me or blew me kisses whenever he could, without breaking the choreography or disrupting the show, and I spent most of the concert standing up at the front of the fence, dancing and singing along, close enough to the stage that Josh grabbed my hand several times as he walked by, his grip firm even if his hand was sweaty. When he came up from beneath the stage for his spotlight performance he was completely on, heartbreaking and powerful, but when it was over he looked up at me, his eyes glistening, and his microphone still on. 

"I love you, Jack," he said, smiling, as the piano sank below the stage. 

The applause from the crowd was thunderous at that, and I blushed furiously when a spotlight danced over me. There was a pause of a few seconds as the guys got ready for the next song, and in it I heard people actually cheering my name. Unsure of what else to do, I turned and waved at the crowd, hearing more cheers, and quickly returned to my seat, breathing a sigh of relief as the music started again. As the show neared its conclusion, Justin still hadn't made his move, and I was getting antsy. Looking onstage, I could see that the guys were, too, and I got up and moved backstage before the end, waiting on the side where I knew they would come out. As the crowd cheered, they burst toward me, Josh wrapping his arms around me. 

"What's going on?" I whispered. 

"I have no idea," Josh answered. Lance looked around anxiously. 

"Where's Justin?" he asked. Justin hadn't left the stage with them, and the house lights were still down. Before any of us could answer, a single spotlight lit the stage, and Justin stood in the middle, wearing his costume from the final number. 

"Hi everybody!" he called, waving to the crowd. 

"What's he doing?" Lance asked, stepping back toward the stage. Joey put a hand on his arm, and Lance paused, staring at him questioningly. 

"Wait and see," Joey said. 

"We don't usually do an encore, but tonight I asked the band if they could help me out with something," Justin said. His voice was firm, not shaking, and I realized he was in his full Justin Timberlake stage presence, where he was incapable of being nervous or unsure. "There's somebody out there tonight, somebody I care about, who means more to me than anybody in the world. I've been trying to tell them, and I just can't, so I thought maybe I'd sing this song, and hope they hear me." 

"What?" Lance asked again, his mouth hanging open. The music started, and Josh squeezed me tightly. 

"Maybe you'll wanna give me kisses sweet," Justin sang, his voice high enough to match Smokey Robinson's. "But only for one night and no repeat. And maybe you'll go away and never call, and a taste of honey's worse than none at all. Oh, little girl in that case I don't want no part. I do believe that that would only break my heart. Oh, but if you feel like lovin' me, if you've got the notion, I second that emotion. So, if you feel like giving me a lifetime of devotion, I second that emotion." 

The band was doing a damn good job for only one day of rehearsals, and Justin was on. I hadn't been a big fan of his solo stuff, but when he put his mind to it, he had a hell of a voice. He sang out toward the crowd, his voice filled with emotion, and Lance watched in open mouthed silence, his eyes glistening. 

"Maybe you think that love will tie you down, and you don't have the time to hang around. Or maybe you think that love was made for fools, and so it makes you wise to break the rules. Oh, little girl in that case I don't want no part," Justin sang, swaying his hips. I almost choked. It was a genuine, long absent, Justin Timberlake sexy dance move, and I thought Lance would pass out. "I do believe that that would only break my heart. Oh, but if you feel like lovin' me, if you've got the notion, I second that emotion. So, if you feel like giving me a lifetime of devotion, I second that emotion." 

Justin repeated the chorus, throwing in a couple more smoldering hip swings, and then the lights went down. The applause was enthusiastic, but we were barely conscious of it as we stared at Lance, watching him watch Justin walk offstage. As Justin got closer, we could see that he was nervous too, his eyes wide as he watched Lance, who still had the same blank, open mouthed look, staring at Justin as if he were some visitor from above, or maybe from the past. Justin was sliding back into his nervousness, but for those couple of minutes onstage just now he had been completely himself, completely the old Justin, the one that Lance had such a crush on. He stood in front of Lance, his hands shaking, and swallowed. 

"I love you," Justin said, pulling his microphone off. "I love you, Lance. Do you hear me? Did you hear what I sang? I love you." 

Justin was trembling now, his eyes filling up, as he stood in front of Lance, and I felt like all of my guts were about to push out of my mouth. Josh was holding my hand so tightly I thought the bones would snap. Lance grabbed Justin, cradling him, pressing Justin against him, and Justin's arms wrapped around Lance as they leaned on each other, eyes closed. 

"I hear you," Lance whispered. "I love you, too, Justin. I love you, too." 

---

CHAPTER 126

---

LANCE'S POV: 

Lance and Justin were slowly getting changed in their dressing room, staring at each other and looking away, both of them blushing. Things between them felt ok again, but now there was this other thing, too, and it kind of frightened them both. 

"Justin?" Lance asked, pulling his shirt on. "How did this happen? How did you? What made you?" 

"Joey," Justin answered, watching Lance's eyes widen. "Joey and the other guys." 

Justin leaned back on the table behind him, crossing his arms. His shirt was sleeveless, and his shoulders gleamed in the light, somehow looking soft and hard at the same time. Lance almost turned away, not wanting to make Justin uncomfortable, but then he remembered that he was allowed to think about Justin that way now. He was allowed to think about Justin's long legs, and the way they looked so tight and powerful under his track pants as he leaned back on that desk, and he was allowed to notice Justin's t-shirt stretching across his pecs. He knew from his own experience that he still had to think of Justin's boundaries, that Justin wouldn't be ready for everything, or maybe even for anything, right away, but for now, it was ok to stare, and to imagine. 

"I got my own room because I was afraid that I was keeping you from being happy," Justin said. He saw Lance's face shift, and continued quickly. "It wasn't anything you said, or did. I just, I knew that Chad liked you, and I was afraid that you liked him, but that you wouldn't act on it because I was around, and you thought you had to take care of me, so I thought I should go." 

"Justin," Lance began, wanting to tell him that wasn't true. Justin held up a hand to cut him off. 

"Let me finish, please," Justin said. "I don't want to tell this over and over, Lance." 

"OK," Lance said, understanding. Sometimes it was still hard for Justin to talk about his emotions, and Lance didn't want to get in the way of that. 

"I shouldn't have been by myself," Justin said, shaking his head. "I wasn't ready. I couldn't sleep, and I didn't want to go back on it, and go back to you, but I didn't want to be by myself, either. I ordered some breakfast, but when the guy came with it I was too scared to open the door for him, because I didn't know him, and I started arguing with him, through the door. Joey heard me, and he came and broke it up, and then I let him in, and he took care of me. He held onto me, like you did, and it was nice, but he wasn't you. I went back to sleep, and then when I woke up he started talking to me, and we started talking about you, and I told him that I loved you." 

"What did he say?" Lance asked, remembering what Joey had said about Lance and Justin falling in love. He said now that he didn't mean that, but this would be the real answer. 

"He said that I had to tell you," Justin answered. His eyes were glistening. "He said that I had to tell you, and that if I loved you I had to fight for you, and that I couldn't just give up. I wanted to tell you last night, and that's why I was so weird with you yesterday. I got scared, and I couldn't do it, and Joey, and the other guys, they convinced me to try again." 

Lance got up and walked over to him carefully, reaching out to carefully scoop a tear off of Justin's cheek. Justin shuddered under Lance's touch, goosebumps breaking out up and down his arms, and he tilted his head forward, closing his eyes as Lance flicked his tears away. 

"Why are you crying, Justin?" Lance asked, his fingertips fluttering over Justin's face, over the long lines he knew so well, past the pink lips and the amber brown eyelashes and brows. 

"Because I was stupid," Justin answered. "I was so stupid, and so scared. I should have just talked to you, just told you, but I was so afraid." 

"You're not stupid, Justin," Lance said. "I was afraid, too. I care so much about you, and I wanted to help you so much, that I stopped letting myself think about you that way. I didn't want to make you uncomfortable, or hurt you, so I stopped letting myself think about you except as someone who needed me, someone who was vulnerable and fragile and needed to be taken care of." 

"I am," Justin admitted, the words squeaking out painfully. 

"But you don't ever have to be afraid of me," Lance said. Justin's eyes fluttered open again, so bright and blue, so close to Lance's green ones. "I promised never to hurt you, Justin, and you know I'll keep it." 

"Hold onto me, please," Justin said, reaching out. 

"Forever," Lance said, wrapping his arms around him. Justin rested his head on Lance's shoulder, shaking a little, wet tears still slowly trickling out of his eyes. "I'll always be here to hold you, Justin." 

"I'm sorry I was so stupid," Justin whispered, his arms squeezing Lance's back, his breath fluttering over Lance's neck. 

"I was stupid, too, Justin," Lance said. "I didn't like Chad, not that way. He liked me, but when I was with him, it was nice, but I didn't feel anything. I didn't feel that spark, or that feeling inside. I didn't feel the way I do when I'm with you, Justin, but I kept telling myself that if I kept going out with him, I would start to. I thought I could make it come, and it never did. When I was with him, I felt like I was cheating, and I couldn't figure out why, until I realized that I felt like I was cheating on you. I loved you all along, Justin, and I was too dumb to realize it and too scared to tell you." 

They held each other for a few moments, just squeezing and holding and being there, cradling each other, and when they pulled back, Justin was smiling. 

"It's a good thing we love each other," Justin said. 

"Why?" Lance asked. 

"Because we're too dumb for anyone else," Justin answered, hugging him tightly again. 

"We're not dumb," Lance said, cleaning off both of their leaky faces with a tissue. "We're just." 

"Stupid?" Justin suggested, taking Lance's hand. 

"Special," Lance corrected, flicking off the lights. 

The others were all already on the bus when they got there, and as they climbed up the steps Lance heard all conversation in the back of the bus freeze as they walked in. JC and Jack were on one of the couches, Jack laying back against JC's chest as JC fed him grapes. Joey was flipping through a newspaper at the table, and Chris was pacing around, being normal, hyperactive Chris. They all turned toward Lance and Justin, their eyes ticking from their faces down to their linked hands and back again, nobody saying anything as they all waited. 

"Is everything ok?" Chris asked, waiting. Everyone hung on their answer. 

"Everything's fine," Lance said, smiling, as he and Justin looked down shyly at their linked hands, neither of them even realizing they were still holding onto each other. "Justin and I realized this whole thing has been a huge misunderstanding, and that we're better off just being friends." 

"What?" four voices blurted at once. A grape actually fell out of Jack's mouth, bouncing down his chest and onto the floor. Justin looked up at them, grinning, and wrapped his arms around Lance from behind. 

"Gotcha," he said, giggling. "Have you met my boyfriend, Lance?" 

There was another pause for a second or two as it sunk in, and then all four of them were moving at once. 

"You assholes!" Jack said, jumping up to hug Lance. "That wasn't funny at all!" 

"It's about fucking time," Chris said, slapping Lance on the back and then hugging him. 

"Congratulations," JC whispered to Justin, holding him tightly. "I'm really happy for you guys." 

"Are you really?" Justin asked, pulling back to look into JC's eyes. Their chance had come and gone, but they still cared too much about each other ever to regret it. 

"Yeah," JC answered, hugging him again. "Yeah, I am. I just want you to be happy, Justin, you and Lance both." 

"Thanks, Josh," Justin whispered. "I love you." 

"I love you, too," JC answered, stepping aside so Jack could hug Justin, too. 

Lance turned, and found himself face to face with Joey. 

"Hey," Joey said quietly, smiling. 

"Hey," Lance said, feeling a little uncomfortable. Was he still supposed to be mad at Joey if everything worked out ok? "Justin says, um, that you really helped him, and that a lot of this is, you know, I have you to thank for it, so, um, thanks, Joey." 

"You're welcome," Joey said, holding out his hand to shake. Lance glanced down at it, and threw his arms around Joey, almost knocking him over. 

"I'm sorry I was mad at you, " Lance said, his voice muffled by Joey's shoulder. Joey squeezed him tightly, a patented Joey-bear hug. 

"I'm sorry I was a braying jackass," Joey said. 

"I'm sorry there's so many people hugging on this bus," Chris said, shaking his head and walking back to his seat. "Any second now it's going to turn into a big sweaty orgy." 

"Why does everyone say orgy like it's a bad thing?" Jack asked, licking the side of JC's face quickly as he pulled him back down onto the couch. Justin looked away a little uncomfortably, taking Lance's hand again, and Lance guided him to the other couch. Jack, realizing what he'd done, made an "oh shit" face, but Lance waved it away as he squeezed Justin's hand tightly. 

"What's wrong, Chris?" Joey asked. "Feeling outnumbered?" 

"Kind of," Chris answered, looking around. "Joey and I are the last straight guys in the band." 

"I'm bi," Justin said quietly, leaning against Lance. 

"I'm not," Lance giggled, holding Justin against him. "And we're not out, ok?" 

The others all nodded, and they finished the ride to the hotel quietly. JC was leaning back against Jack now, his eyes drifting closed. Every time his head dipped down, he would snap awake, trying to keep watching, but his natural tendency kept taking over. Justin rested against Lance, the song and everything that went with it taking a lot more out of him than he'd thought it would, and Lance held onto him, content with the familiar weight at his side, wondering how either of them could have ever thought something that felt this natural wasn't meant to be. Joey and Chris glanced at each other, looking at everybody else paired up, and split the paper at the back table. They piled off the bus as a group, all of them a little sleepy, since it had been such a long, intense day, and rode up crowded into the same small elevator, leaning against each other before they split up in the hallway. Justin paused as they got out, pulling Lance aside. 

"Can I, um, move back into your room tonight?" Justin asked. 

"Of course you can," Lance answered. "You didn't have to ask, Justin." 

"Yeah, I did," Justin answered. "Moving out was a dumb thing, and I know it bothered you. I can't just move back in without telling you I'm sorry." 

"You already said that," Lance said, hugging him. "Come on. I'll help carry your bags." 

"Can Junior sleep with us tonight?" Justin asked. 

"Sure," Lance answered. "We'll get him when we're all done, ok?" 

Once they were settled in their room, Junior lying on the bed with his tail wagging slowly, waiting for them to climb in, Justin went into the bathroom to brush his teeth, and Lance stripped down to his boxers, waiting to go in and brush his as well once Justin was done. Usually Justin changed into his pajamas while Lance did that, and then they climbed into bed and fell asleep together, but Justin seemed to be taking an extremely long time tonight. Lance glanced at the clock by the bed, and realized that Justin had been in there for almost ten minutes, and walked over to tap softly on the door. 

"Justin?" he asked, listening. 

"Just a second," Justin said, and then he pulled the door open. He wasn't crying, but Lance thought he might be about to, and his face was very pale. He picked nervously at the front of his shirt, removing invisible lint, and Lance could see that his hand was shaking, too. 

"Justin, what's wrong?" Lance asked. 

"I'm scared," Justin said, swallowing. "I know you won't hurt me, and that you promised, but I'm still scared, Lance. I still, I can't think about it, about doing, you know, doing that, the stuff, even with you, Lance." 

"Justin, come sit down, ok?" Lance asked, guiding him to the bed. Justin sat, still watching Lance, his lip quivering, and Lance took his hand. "Now, nobody said anything about doing anything, Justin." 

"But you're," Justin began, swallowing. "You're my boyfriend, now, and boyfriends, they, you know, they do stuff. I can't do it, Lance. I know you won't hurt me, and that you'll protect me, but I just, I can't do that." 

"I'm not asking you to, Justin," Lance said, smoothing his hand over Justin's hair. Justin nuzzled against it, still shaking. "I love you, Justin. That's all I'm asking for. I want to be with you, and love you, and protect you. That's all." 

"But that's, it's not right, " Justin said, shaking his head. "You shouldn't have to, to go without, to not have a real relationship, because of the way I am." 

"You're not hearing me, Justin," Lance said. "I love you. That means I love everything about you, even then way you are now. I told you, promised you, that I'll always be here for you, and I'll never hurt you, Justin. I'll never ask for something from you that you aren't ready to give, and I'll never regret it, either." 

"I won't always be like this, " Justin said emphatically, shaking his head. "I won't, Lance. Someday I'll get better, I will. I want to, I want to so badly. I want to hold you, and touch you, and not think about it. I want to make you happy, and I want to let you make me happy, too. I swear I do, Lance. I just can't right now." 

"I know," Lance said, pulling Justin against him. "And I love you enough to wait, Justin. I'll wait my whole life for you if I have to, because I love you. Tonight, if all you want to do is lay here together, like we used to, that's fine with me. I want whatever you want. Hell, if you want me to sleep on the couch I will, Justin. I'll do whatever you ask me to, and whatever you need." 

"I, I don't want you to sleep on the couch," Justin said quietly, smiling at him. "I want you to sleep in the bed with me." 

"Then that's what I'll do," Lance said, standing. "Now, why don't you get ready for bed, and I'll go brush my teeth." 

"OK," Justin said, nodding. 

When Lance came out of the bathroom a few minutes later, Justin was already in bed, one arm wrapped around Junior, who huddled against his stomach, and Lance flicked off the lights and walked over to the bed. 

"Where do you want me, Justin?" Lance asked. 

"Will you hold me?" Justin asked. "Will you hold onto me, and make me feel safe?" 

"Sure," Lance answered, sliding into the bed. He pulled the sheets up over them, and Justin slid back, spooning against him, settling into the circle of Lance's arms. Lance hugged him tightly, thinking about how good it felt to have Justin there again. 

"Lance?" Justin whispered. 

"Yeah?" Lance answered, his breath fluttering over Justin's neck. Justin felt warm and firm through his t-shirt. 

"Do you remember what happened before the wedding?" Justin asked. "When we kissed?" 

"Yeah," Lance answered carefully. 

"You still make me feel safe, Lance," Justin sighed. "You still make me feel safe, and make me feel like someone cares about me." 

"You still make me feel special, Justin," Lance said. "Every time you look at me I think about the way you feel about me, and that makes me feel like the luckiest guy in the world." 

"I'm still scared, too," Justin whispered. "I'm still afraid, Lance, but I'm less scared when you're here. I love you." 

"I love you, too," Lance answered. 

"Do you remember when we kissed?" Justin asked again, turning so that he was facing Lance. Lance nodded, seeing the bare sparkle of Justin's eyes in the glow of the night light. "Can I kiss you again?" 

"I think I'd like that," Lance answered. 

Justin closed his eyes and leaned in, slowly, so slowly, and when his lips finally brushed against Lance's, it was so feathery and light that anyone else would have missed it. Lance, though, felt a shiver run through him, and Justin, his eyes still closed, leaned in a little more, his lips pressing more firmly against Lance's. Lance mirrored Justin's moves, pressing back with his own mouth, following where Justin was comfortable to lead, and then he opened his eyes again as Justin pulled back and turned back around. 

"We have to try that again soon," Justin sighed, snuggling close to Lance. 

"As many times as you want to," Lance said, grinning. 

Justin lay beneath the sheets with Lance's arms around him. He could feel Lance's breath against his neck, and Junior was a warm lump on top of the covers, pressed against his abs. Lance's arms were strong, and smooth, and Justin felt completely safe in them. He could feel Lance's heart beating against his back, Lance's bare chest pressing against his t-shirt. Maybe right now he couldn't think about Lance that way, but someday he would. Someday he would take off his shirt, too, and feel that smooth skin against his own. Someday he would be able to look at Lance that way, and to do the kinds of things he'd done before, the kinds of things he knew how to do so well. 

As he felt Lance shift against him he sighed, and hoped that someday would come soon. 

---

JACK'S POV: 

"So," Josh began, draping his arm over me. "What do we do now?" 

I smiled contentedly, pressing back against him, feeling his deflated cock brush my bare ass as his arm played idly with my chest, his thumb circling my nipple. Our sweat was drying, and the bed was a nicely tangled mess. Josh's legs and mine were all jumbled together, calves entwining, hair and muscles dancing against each other. Somewhere on the floor, out of my view, was a pile of crumpled tissues and condoms, leftover from Josh making love to me, and then deciding that he felt like doing it again. I had cum twice as well, once in Josh's mouth, and once in his hand, and he had carefully cleaned me off, using as much care as I took with him. Those damned lace up pants were in a pile on the other side of the room, the last item of clothing I'd taken off, and I was right. I did look damned sexy topless in them. 

"I think now we go to sleep, unless you want to take a shower," I said, snuggling against him as he cuddled me. "I know we don't make love again. I don't think I could get it up again after that." 

"You never know," Josh whispered, running a hand down my abs. He wrapped a hand around my cock and gave it a light caress. "I bet if I kept doing this you're be ready again." 

"Or I'd get a friction burn, " I said, chuckling. 

"I mean it, though," Josh sighed. "Not about you being up for it again, but about the rest of it. What do you think's going to happen now?" 

"Other than sleeping?" I asked. "You'll drool on the pillow, and I'll probably snore." 

Josh giggled, squeezing me tightly, and then took a deep breath. I felt his chest flatten against my back, and I sighed as well. 

"Do you think Justin and Lance are going to be ok?" Josh asked. "I want them to be happy, and they care about each other so much. Do you think they'll be all right?" 

"I think so," I answered. "They're too good for each other for it not to work out. Right now, they're probably holding hands, and talking about the way they feel." 

"You think they'll do more than talk someday?" Josh asked. I'd been wondering about the same thing, actually. 

"They will," I said, shrugging. "They're going to circle around it for a while, since they're so careful, and Justin isn't ready. Once he is though, and they get down to it, they'll put us to shame, Josh. Lance's brain is going to melt once Justin gets back in gear." 

"They don't want to come out, " Josh said. "That might hurt them, a little." 

"I don't think it will," I said, shrugging. "They can be themselves around us, and Lance wants to take it really slow. His family kind of distanced themselves when he told them about him and Howie, and Justin still hasn't told his that he's bi." 

"I know," Josh said. "I'm so happy mine loves you." 

"I am, too," I said, swallowing. "Josh, I've been giving this a lot of thought, and I think maybe it's time I tried to mend fences with my family a little." 

"Really?" he asked. "What brought that on?" 

"Just, you know, all of this, " I said. "Going to find out about my mother, and all that other stuff, well, she wanted me to be happy, Josh. She thought she was giving me a better life, and I feel kind of like I should try to realize that a little more. My whole life it's been really easy to blame my family, but it's not like I've really done a lot to meet them halfway. I'm a grown adult, and maybe it's time I started treating my family that way." 

"Wow, this really has affected you," Josh said, kissing the back of my neck. "Whatever you do, I'll be here for you." 

"I know," I said, kissing his arm as it curled around below my chin. "Besides, Evelyn actually sort of seems to like you." 

"Only because I haven't worn my tiger print coat to the club yet," Josh said, giggling. 

"Nor will you," I said sharply, dissolving in giggles as well. The two of us lay there for a while, just holding onto each other, hands roaming lazily to feel and caress, but Josh was in some sort of weird mood. 

"What about Chris and Vlada?" Josh asked. "Do you think they'll be ok?" 

"They'll be fine," I said. "She's already part of the family, and she's a lot tougher than we give her credit for." 

"Those Missouri girls tend to be," Josh said. 

"What?" I asked. "Isn't she from, I don't know, eastern Europe? Some sort of Slavic country?" 

"The Slavic side of Branson, maybe," Josh said, laughing. "I can't believe Chris never told you that. She's from Missouri, Jack. The accent's part of her persona." 

"Does everyone know that?" I asked. "I can't believe nobody brought that up, or let it slip. Hell, I can't believe Vlada never told me." 

"There probably just wasn't a right time," Josh said. "Joey and Lance don't know, either. She only told me because I overheard her talking to her mom on the phone once, and she didn't have the accent on." 

"I can't believe that," I said. "No wonder Chris loves her so much. She's pranking all of us all the time." 

"Yeah," Josh said. "I guess I never thought about it that way, but I think you're right. They'll be ok. Joey and Kelly, too." 

"Yup, now that they're back on again," I said. "Bri has great parents." 

"Yeah," Josh sighed. "What about us, Jack? What's going to happen to us now?" 

I thought about it for a minute. 

"Well, someday you guys will stop touring, and you'll probably turn into a bigtime producer and songwriter," I said. "And before you protest, we both know you're too shy to go solo, like Justin. Instead, you'll get to be the next Babyface, and you'll love it." 

"Probably," Josh agreed, smiling. 

"And we'll still be together, " I continued, vividly imagining my fantasy now, rolling it out before me. "I'll give up the speaking thing after a while, too, and settle down into a regular job, with some normal hours, where you and I aren't separated. We'll get a couple dogs, and grow old together, and someday we'll be somebody's really cool uncles." 

Neither one of us wanted children. Josh felt like he had a lot to give, but wanted to focus it through their charity work, like the Challenge for the Children, and some other stuff. Neither one of us imagined children for ourselves, and were perfectly content with the idea that we would just spoil Heather or Tyler's kids, or, if I patched things up with my family, we might actually get to spoil my brother's, too. Our house wouldn't ring with the pitter patter of little feet, but it would resonate with the clicking of dog toenails on tile. 

"No more drama?" Josh asked, sounding hopeful. 

"No, no more drama," I answered, shaking my head. "Everything doesn't have to end with a big, explosive finale, Josh. You and I are just as likely to spend the rest of our lives holding hands, and holding each other. Everything doesn't have to end with a bang. Sometimes it ends with a whimper." 

"I like that idea," Josh said, kissing the back of my neck again as he pulled me close. 

All of our friends were safe. Everyone loved each other again, and there were no more issues between any of us. Everyone had someone to love, someone to complete them, and I had Josh with me. I pulled Josh's arm across my chest, and felt completely content. I loved him, and he loved me. Everything was going to be ok. 

Josh pulled the sheet over us, and we fell asleep. 

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THE END

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