Finding My Way Home

The boys were all upstairs when I pulled up in front of the house with Grandma Sarah, Janice, and Beth.  Janice had insisted that she be present when Ephraim got to see his unofficially adopted grandmother again and if she were there, it only made sense to have Beth join her.

Grandma Sarah had a soft sentimental smile on her face all the way to the house.  I was curious to know what she was thinking about, but reluctant to say anything in case it was something personal.  She solved the problem for me as we waited outside Beth and Janice's apartment.

"My late husband and I had a car like this one," she told me.  "Ours was powder blue, though.  We had some wonderful times in that car.  I wish now I hadn't sold it after he died."

"It looks they were happy times judging from the smile on your face," I observed out loud.

"We conceived two of our children in the back seat," she told me with a wink.  I'm sure I must have blushed, because she started laughing.  "I'm sorry; I guess I shouldn't have told you that."

"It's all right, I get embarrassed quite easily and quite often," I admitted.  "The boys will back that up gladly.  They have great fun seeing how red they can get me sometimes."

"That's what families are for," Grandma Sarah joked.  "They either embarrass you, or blackmail you, but it's all done out of love."

"You are definitely going to fit right in with this family, Grandma," I told her with a laugh.

We were back on the road shortly after that. Grandma told me a few stories about Ephraim when he was younger that would have had the boy hiding under the nearest rock if he had been there in person. They only helped to endear him into my heart even more than he already was. They also gave me some good ideas for things to embarrass him with when he needed to be picked on a bit.

For example, Grandma laughed until she nearly had tears as she related that when he was about a year and a half old, he had come over for a visit while she was also babysitting her next door neighbors' litter of beagle puppies.  Little Ephraim seemed to think it was great fun to have the pups remove his diaper allowing him to run around in the backyard nude.  I would have to remember to ask him if he wanted to get a puppy.

The look on his face when he came running out to the car to greet me was priceless. He dove off of the porch, practically flying through the yard, yelling my name when he suddenly screeched to a stop. His mouth hung open for a second as his mind digested what he was seeing.

"Grandma?" he whispered questioningly at first.  When she opened the gate to enter the yard where he was, the closer look confirmed his thoughts.  "Grandma Sarah!" he exclaimed tearfully as he practically tackled the old woman in a tight hug which she returned gladly.

Somehow she managed to get him to the steps where she sat down and pulled him into her lap.  The two of them just held each other in silence for several minutes as tears rolled down both faces.  I looked over to see Janice and Beth wiping tears just as I was.

"I never thought I would see you again," Ephraim finally managed to say out loud.  "How did you find me?"

"Your dad found me, sweetie," she explained.  "I'm so glad he did, too.  I was so worried about you when you disappeared."

"I didn't want to go," Ephraim told her.  "He threw me away."  He suddenly stood up and stepped away from her.  "Grandma, I have to tell you something.  You might want to throw me away too after you hear it, but I want to tell you anyway.  I don't ever keep secrets from you," he stammered nervously.

"Baby, there is nothing that will ever make me want to throw you away," she told him firmly.  "I would never even joke about doing something like that."

"Grandma, Father made me leave because he caught me doing something bad," Ephraim confessed.  "I was looking at pictures on his computer.  They were naked pictures; naked pictures of guys.  Grandma, I'm gay.  That means…."

"I know what it means, Ephraim," she told him softly.  "It means that you have a boyfriend instead of a girlfriend.  Do you want to tell me about him?"

"You're not mad at me?" he gasped.

"Why would I be?" she countered.  "That would be like getting mad at you for being blond haired, or having freckles.  You couldn't help being the way God made you.  I will always love you, Ephraim."

Ephraim tackled her in another hug with fresh tears.  Janice, Beth and I went around to the other door and went in to give them some privacy.  As soon as I walked in, I was tackled myself with a hug from Derek.  I wasn't complaining, but I did ask what was up.

"Thank you for finding his grandma for him," Derek murmured, still clutching me tightly.  "He really missed her a lot."

"Why don't you go out there in a minute or two and suggest that they come in?" I asked him.  "It isn't really cold, but those steps aren't very comfortable for very long."  Ephraim brought her in the house before Derek got the chance, though.

"This is my big brother, Derek, Grandma," the younger boy introduced.

"It's nice to meet you, ma'am," Derek responded politely.

"No, you don't," she scolded lightly.  "If you're Ephraim's brother that makes you my grandson too.  You call me Grandma, cutie."  She then noticed Brendan standing nearby.  "You must be Brendan," she began.  "I expect you to call me Grandma as well," she told him.  "Now come over here and let me look at you."  When he did, she whistled and turned back to Derek.  "Honey, you sure know how to pick them," she teased.  Both older boys turned beet red.

"As for you, you can call me Grandma for the boys' sakes if you want to, but if you aren't comfortable with that it's not a problem," she told Edan.  "There are enough years between us that I could almost be your mama, but not quite."

"That's all right," Edan replied.  "I don't have a problem calling you Grandma.  If you are uncomfortable with the difference in our ages, then you could always take the role of my mother-in-law instead of my mother."

Grandma Sarah looked over at me for a second before replying, "I think that is a very good idea."  She grew very serious as she continued, "If my son had lived, he would be about Cameron's age now.  I lost him to leukemia when he was in the fifth grade."

"I am honored to be your son," I told her solemnly.  I was too.  I didn't want to tell her how much I had wanted a mother that loved me for who and what I am, without any conditions or reservations.

"I have an idea," Beth suddenly announced.  She held up her digital camera.  "Family picture time," she called out.  "You guys all gather around your grandma, and…."

"You're going to have to use the timer on that thing," I told her.  "I won't do a family photo without the whole family. You and Janice are getting in this shot too."

"Are you sure?" Janice asked.

"Do you mean that?" Beth whispered.

"What's the family photo without the crazy old aunt?" Brendan asked looking at Janice as he said it.

"Don't insult my partner," Janice said with her usual growl.

"He didn't," Derek answered.  "She's the sweet lovable one.  You're the crazy old one."

"Now Derek, you shouldn't talk that way about the woman who saved Ephraim and brought him into your life," Grandma Sarah said gently.  Derek's face showed his remorse as he thought of the truth of her statement.  "You don't talk bad about family, even if it is true," Grandma Sarah added with a wink.

"HEY!" Janice exclaimed as the boys all giggled.  "I know what Rodney Dangerfield felt like now.  No respect," she pouted.

The photo turned out beautifully.  In fact, it was so nice that Beth contacted a friend of hers and had the picture printed by one of those fancy printers that make the print look like an oil painting.  We hung the picture over the fireplace in the living room at our house.  Janice and Beth also got one done for their apartment and we gave one to Grandma Sarah as well.

Janice had said that it didn't really matter when I went in to the doctor's office to provide my… donation.  She did point out that the sooner I took care of it, the more chances it would provide for the pregnancy to work.  That made sense, so I called and got the earliest appointment I could.

A week later I was sitting in a waiting room full of pregnant women.  They seemed as uncomfortable having me there as I was to be there.  The nurse finally called me into the back of the practice.  I was stunned by the nauseating amount of pink and blue everywhere.  The walls were pink, the carpet was blue, the chairs alternated between the two colors; it was truly overwhelming. 

"If you'll step over here, I'll give you your specimen container," she said politely.  When I got there, she held up a rather large plastic cup.  "Fill this as much as you can and return it to the counter here, and then take a seat until we call you."

"You're joking, right?" I asked as I took what appeared to be a 16 ounce drinking cup.

"Oh, Mr. Ragland, I am sorry," she gushed.  "I'm so used to saying that to the women that come in.  No, you don't have to fill it, but the more you give us the better, just in case you have low sperm count.  We need as many of your little swimmers as we can get."  I was beginning to feel the eyes of all the women in this secondary waiting area on me.  "Your cup needs to be taken straight to our lab at the end of this hallway as quickly as possible.  Keep the cup as warm as you can while in transit.  We don't want to waste any of it, now do we?"

I came to the conclusion that further discussion from her would only result in further embarrassment for me, so I opted to head for the nearest men's room.  I quickly discovered there wasn't one inside the practice.  The nurse saw my dilemma and rescued me in her thoroughly embarrassing way.

"Mr. Ragland, we have a room for donors to use just down this hallway here.  You'll find stimulating media in there if it is needed."  That comment was enough to get my face good and red again.  I quickly disappeared into the room indicated amidst a flurry of giggles from the women behind me.

I looked around the small room and noticed first the enormous chart of instructions on how to disinfect the area before proceeding.  There's nothing quite like a cold clinical alcohol rub to get you in the mood.  Curiosity got the better of me and I glanced at the stimulating media if only to confirm that it was all straight oriented.  Naturally it was, but to my utter astonishment, I discovered that the newest magazine in the stack featured a very familiar woman on the front cover.  I found myself staring at my ex wife on the cover of a pornographic magazine.  She was pregnant in the picture.  I immediately checked the date of publication and learned that it was a very recent edition.

I quickly got out my cell phone and called Edan.  After explaining what I had just seen, he completely understood that my mood was ruined.  He agreed to bring me something more applicable to my nature.  He showed up some ten minutes later with a brown paper bag.  Inside was an unmarked video tape.  He confessed that he wasn't sure if it would help me much either, however.  The movie was one that he had made with Randy when they were in college together.

As it turns out, he was right, but I did enjoy the beginning of the video.  It showed a considerably younger and thinner Edan playing in the sand at a beach.  When I saw the first glimpse of someone in the background making their way toward him, I stopped the video.  I couldn't bear to see it.  It wasn't as if he was cheating on me, since we hadn't met at the time, but it still felt that way somehow.  I was ok with the knowledge of his past; I just didn't want to view it firsthand. I finally managed to accomplish my task by remembering the night I had first met Edan.

Halloween was the most fun I have had in a long time.  I hadn't had much experience with the holiday when I was a child myself because it isn't celebrated in Japan.  That year though, I had a blast.  I decked the house out in the wildest, creepiest decorations I could find.  We also hosted a party for a group of the boys' friends from both schools.  The farm was overrun with ghouls and goblins, some of them even wore costumes.  Ok, it was a lame joke, but what can I say?  I'm a parent now, my jokes are supposed to be bad.

Ephraim had the most fun I think of anyone at the party.  He had never been allowed to celebrate Halloween because of his strict religious father.  He thought at first that he would be considered too old to wear a costume, but Brendan and Derek both assured him that they would be participating as would Edan and I.  My costume was the easiest to decide upon; I simply got out the ceremonial robes from my adopted Japanese grandfather, complete with some of the decorative, yet fully functional weaponry that went along with it.  Edan dressed as King Henry VIII.

Brendan and Derek said they wanted to wear historical costumes as well.  They wouldn't tell me who they were going to be, but did say they were going to be characters from a really old movie they had seen once.  The way they stressed the age of the movie, I was expecting something from the silent film era.  I was shocked when they came downstairs dressed as characters from Rocky Horror Picture Show.  Brendan was Rocky, and Derek was Dr. Frankenfurter.  I thought their costumes were a little mature for the younger kids at the party to see, but was stunned that they were the first ones to recognize the characters.

The other costumes represented were creative to say the least.  We had Marilyn Monroe, who turned out to be a boy that Derek knew from school.  If Derek hadn't told me there was a boy in that dress, I wouldn't have known.  None of the other guests seemed to catch on either.  There were also obscure costumes like the boy who came dressed as Oscar Wilde.  Of course there were also the usual vampires, Frankenstein monsters, werewolves, and cartoon characters.  Most of the latter came from Ephraim's school, not surprisingly.

The kids all seemed to have a good time.  Our boys were careful not to let anything slip that they were dating boys rather than girls, though.  This was especially true for Ephraim and Peter, who attended the party as Batman and Robin.  Their friends all seemed to accept them as best friends. I had been concerned about their relationship becoming public knowledge.  Kids can be cruel, and even more so when fueled by their homophobic parents.

The night went very well and ended fairly early I thought.  The guests were all gone by 11 pm. Peter had permission to spend the night that evening, so with four boys to help the clean up took no time at all. Just before sending the younger boys to get ready for bed, I repeated the provision that Karen had made.  Peter and Ephraim were to stay in separate beds.  They could be in the same room, but the door had to remain open.  That would discourage any late night hanky panky.  Peter went up to take his shower, but Ephraim hung around nervously for a moment.

"Is something bothering you, son?" I asked gently.

"Dad, about tonight," he began.

"I won't bend that rule and let you shut the door, Ephraim," I cautioned.  "I agree with Karen that you guys need to take the physical side of things slowly."

"I know that, Dad," he defended himself.  "It's just that…. Well, I mean…."  He finally spit it out.  "What if he thinks I'm a baby for sleeping in Pop's shirt?"

"I'm sure Peter doesn't think you're a baby," I assured my nervous boy.  "He may think of you as a babe, but not a baby."  He blushed a little at that, but it didn't seem to settle him down any.  "I will talk to him while you're in the shower.  I won't tell him anything, I will just find out if I can what he sleeps in for you."

"Thanks, Dad," he grinned with relief.

"It's all part of the job as Dad," I told him as I hugged him closely.  "Now scoot upstairs and get ready for your shower.  I'll come up with you so I can talk to him."

Just then Edan came downstairs, and walked over to us.  He sat down beside me and asked Ephraim if they could talk.  I inquired if it was something private and was told to stay.

"Ephraim, I just had a talk with Peter that I think you should know about," Edan began.  "It seems that he was nervous about staying over tonight."

"He was?" Ephraim questioned.

"Yes, he was," Edan confirmed.  "He likes you very much, but he was afraid you would think he was a baby because he still sleeps in pajamas."

"That's silly," Ephraim responded quickly.

"Is it really?" I asked him pointedly.  He blushed and looked at the floor.

"I guess we're both babies huh?" he murmured.  "You guys are probably not going to let us sleep over anymore now."

"Whoa there, kiddo," I cautioned.  "No one said we thought either of you were babies.  The only reason you would have to stop sleeping over at one another's house is if you cause trouble in some way.  I just want to make sure you still realize that in spite of the grown up feelings you're getting for one another, you're still boys.  It's ok to be kids for a while longer, even if you have started growing up."

"I just wanted you to know that I let Peter wear one of the T shirts that you got from me for sleeping in," Edan explained.  "I told him where it came from and what you had them for as well.  He seemed to really like the idea that he was wearing your pajamas," he added with a wink.  That comment made Ephraim really blush.  "Now scoot upstairs and get ready for bed."

A few minutes later, two little boys came down the stairs wearing matching nightdresses.  At least that's what it looked like.  Peter being no bigger than Ephraim, Edan's shirt fit him no better.  The shirt hung well past his knees and the short sleeves on Edan were to his wrists.  They looked so adorable that I asked if I could get a picture.  Both boys quickly exclaimed negatively.  I therefore did the mature thing and pouted.  As expected they caved in.  I got out the camera and got a nice shot of the two of them snuggling up to Edan, and then one more of the two of them side by side with their arms over each other's shoulders.   

I went to bed that night thinking about how fortunate I was to be in a position to help them deal with what they were going through.  I never once considered what I was getting from my new family.  I had been raised to think only of what I could do for others and that was a hard habit to break.