Kerry

The week before Christmas was extremely busy for me. Since Christmas Day fell on a Saturday that year, our Christmas service would actually be the day after, but still very much during the Christmas season. I had to put the finishing touches and do final rehearsals for the special music for the chancel choir and soloist, the children's choir, the youth choir, and the combined adult and youth handbell choirs. The church soloist was going to sing Yon's Gesu Bambino, but just couldn't seem to sing the lines as smoothly as the piece demanded. I worked with her for almost an hour after choir practice Wednesday evening, and when we finally called it quits, I still had my doubts about her being able to sing it on Sunday. The chancel choir and youth choir would be combined during the Christmas service, and were to sing Holst's Christmas Day, which was going beautifully. All this was going on with other activities competing for the time.

Kerry was out of school for the holidays that final week, and he was a tremendous help in several ways. Two nights during the week he fixed supper while I worked in the office. Kenneth came over Wednesday afternoon, and he and Kerry spent about four hours getting the house spotlessly clean. Kerry helped sort the choir robes for cleaning before the holiday service. He even took over the piano at the children's choir rehearsal and worked with them for over thirty minutes while I was called away for a meeting, and really did a nice job. The children responded well to him, and when I returned, they had their music down almost perfectly. While I was practicing at the church organ, he sat on the bench with me and served as a page turner and stop puller, which made my practicing more productive. I could probably have gotten through the week without his help - I had done so for many years - but it sure was nice to have him there. 

I also attended a Christmas recital given by the students of Kerry's music teacher, my friend Marcia Andrews. Kerry played two pieces on the piano, and played very well. Marcia was very complimentary about the progress he was making, and I could tell he deserved the compliment. He was also playing the organ very well for someone who had been playing less than four months.

The Christmas season had always been special for me, from my childhood days until now. I could also tell that Kerry was getting excited about the approaching holiday, although he was tight-lipped about what he wanted for Christmas. He explained to me that his family celebrated Christmas, but his mother had never had enough money for them to have a big celebration, and besides, there were very few family members to get together. When his mother had married his stepfather, there was hardly any celebration at all. I tried to assure him that he would have an enjoyable holiday season this year.

Roy and his family would be coming Saturday morning, after spending Christmas Eve with Doris' parents and their family. Joe and Darrell arrived on Thursday afternoon for their holiday visit. Kerry seemed overjoyed to see them, and they had a good time telling him hello - it had been quite a while since he had been tickled and cuddled by two grown men at once, although he and I had never wanted for affection from each other. I had been so busy that I hadn't even put up the Christmas tree, so the boys took Kerry Christmas tree shopping and found a nice seven footer. Joe and Darrell put up the tree and let Kerry place most of the decorations while I was at work. It was a great opportunity for the three of them to "bond" as brothers, as Joe and Darrell took turns lifting Kerry up to reach the upper branches, giving him a lot of hugs and tickles in the process, and they really did a great job - the tree was beautiful. When Kerry showed it to me that evening, he was beaming with pride, and I could tell that he was really getting into the Christmas spirit. I could also see that he really liked being a younger brother to my sons, and they both just adored him. It was a great feeling for me.

On Friday night, Christmas Eve, we had a special service at church. It was at this service that the children's and youth choirs sang their special music. I had worked with the kids for over three months, and had seen a lot of progress in that time, but I was ecstatic about their singing during the service. Never had I heard their voices sound so sweet, especially the children's choir. Several members of the congregation had tears in their eyes after the kids sang, and I very probably had a few in mine as well. They had come through like champions. I was so proud of them, and I told them so in the choir room after the service as they were taking off their robes. 

As I was congratulating them on a job well done, one little boy named Jason came up to me and, after giving a cute little speech, gave me a large sheet of construction paper that the children had turned into a "plaque." Each child had put water-based paint on his thumb and made a thumb print on the construction paper, then decorated the thumb print by putting a face on it and writing his name under it. Across the bottom was written, "Thumbody Loves You." The kids all clapped as I made a show of accepting the "plaque" and telling them how proud I was of each one of them. (Incidentally, that "plaque" is now framed and is hanging in my home office. I consider it one of my most prized treasures.)

Then a little girl named Rachel came up to me and asked, "Where's Kerry?"

"I think he is waiting for me out in the hall," I answered. "Why do you ask?"

"We need him," she answered, "because we sang for him tonight, too." I went out in the hall and asked Kerry to come in.

Rachel went up to Kerry with another sheet of construction paper. It, too, had the kids' thumb prints on it decorated as faces and gathered around a paper picture of a piano. Across the bottom of this sheet was, "Thumbody Really Loves You." When Rachel gave it to Kerry, she said at the end of her speech, "Your dad has taught us all how to sing, but when you played the piano for us, we felt like you were one of us and it made us feel special. We want you at the piano with us next year." Kerry just beamed, and congratulated all the kids. They all gathered around him and gave him a lot of back pats and little hugs. I could tell that Kerry was overjoyed. I was so very proud of him. (And he still has his framed "Thumbody.") 

We returned home and, after relaxing a bit, got into bed early. I was tired, and besides, tomorrow morning was Christmas. Joe and Darrell thought it would be easier to just go ahead and sleep in Kerry's room, since Roy's family would be needing the guest room and the third bedroom when they arrived, so Kerry slept with me. Everything was as usual between us, except that he seemed especially affectionate towards me, and wanted me to hold him especially close, which I was happy to do for him. He went to sleep with the sweetest smile. God, he was so beautiful, and my heart almost burst with love for him. 

I got up early the next morning and, after giving Kerry a little kiss, which did not wake him up, began preparing our Christmas dinner, and then started to make breakfast for the guys as they got up. We had decided to wait until Roy and his family arrived before having our family Christmas tree. After breakfast, all of us sat around the dining table to talk so that I could keep an eye on the kitchen. After a few minutes, Kerry came over and sat in my lap, leaning his head against my shoulder. I had come to know this as an indication that either something was bothering him, or he just wanted to be loved. I kissed his forehead and asked, "Is everything all right, Son?"

"Yes, everything's fine. I am just not quite sure you will like your Christmas gift from me, and I wanted to be close to you."

"Don't worry about that, Kerry, you know perfectly well that if it comes from you, I will like it. I just hope you like yours."

"What is it?"

"No fair. You have to wait and see."

"Rats."

We all laughed. Kerry continued to sit on my lap until I had to go into the kitchen to check on the ham. Then he went and sat on Joe's lap, and Joe was overjoyed. After a few minutes, I saw Joe whisper something to him, and he immediately went to Darrell and sat with him. I smiled at Joe, and saw him wink back at me. Kerry was getting a lot of attention from a family who loved him. Well, I thought, he will have plenty of that from now on.

Roy, Doris, and the girls arrived a little after 10:00 a.m. Saturday morning. After they got all their things brought in and put in their rooms, the girls and Kerry couldn't wait any longer for the family Christmas tree to begin. Joe said that it was his turn to be "Santa Claus," so he started distributing the presents to everyone. Kerry got a new football from Joe, a warm-up suit from Roy's family, and five new video games, including one that I would not have gotten for him, since it had some violence in it. When he opened it, he brought it over to me and said, "I won't play this game if you don't want me to." Darrell had given it to him, and told me that even though it was rated as a teen game for violence, he was familiar with it and didn't think it was inappropriate. I told Kerry that we would look at it later, but I was glad he knew and understood my feelings on the matter.

Dawn and Marie got new dresses from their parents (along with whatever they had gotten while they were at Doris' family's home), and Joe and Darrell had gotten each of them a really nice gold necklace with a blue topaz stone pendant. They couldn't wait to model them, and they did look nice. I had gotten Dawn a new tennis racket (she had picked one out and told her dad which one she wanted, and I had gotten it at the local store a couple of weeks before) and Marie a new bicycle, since I had learned that she had outgrown her old one.

Roy and Doris had decorated their home with wildlife art, and I had found a low-numbered lithograph of a painting depicting a pair of young dolphins at play, which they seemed to adore. Darrell had just bought a new home, so I gave him a gift certificate from a local home store, and Joe had told me that he was thinking about starting to take flying lessons, so I got him a pilot's watch, which he liked.

I had told all the kids for many years not to feel like they had to give me anything for Christmas, since I really didn't need anything, and their presence over the holidays was all I really wanted or needed. They always gave me something, however, and this year I got two new dress shirts from Roy and Doris and a very nice silk tie from the girls. Darrell and Joe told me that as my Christmas gift from them, they were going to take two weeks during the summer (when the weather was warmer) and finish out the attic over the garage and part of the living area in my home. I had been planning to do that since I moved into the house so that the girls could have a play room when they visited, and also they could each have a small bedroom upstairs. I had just never had the time to do it, and their offer was the best Christmas gift they could have gotten for me, so I was ecstatic over that.

After all the presents had been opened, and the kids had settled down a bit, Kerry came over to me and said, "Why didn't I get anything from you?"

"I didn't think you needed anything from me," I answered, trying to be mischievous.

"I don't, but it would have been nice."

"Well, why don't you go look in your room?"

Unknown to Kerry, Joe and Darrell had helped me surprise him. I had gotten him a new computer system complete with color laser printer, large flat-screen monitor, scanner, desk, several kinds of game controllers, optical mouse, remote keyboard, and surround-sound speaker system, and since they were sleeping in his room, it was easy for them to put it all together without him knowing about it. When he got to the door of his room and turned on the light, he burst into tears and ran back to me.

"Oh, Daddy, thank you so much. That is just what I wanted, but I didn't want to ask for it. I love you." He showered me with kisses and then held me so tight I found it hard to breathe, but it was so sincere I didn't try to break away from him.

When he finally broke away from me, I caught my breath and told him, "You're welcome, Kerry, and you know that the computer is just a small part of my love for you, but you need to thank Joe and Darrell for putting it all together for you."

"I will," he answered. After giving me another hug and kiss, he went to Joe and Darrell and thanked them, too, then he ran into his bedroom, along with Dawn and Marie, and before long, I heard the sounds of the computer being booted up.

Roy and Doris began cleaning up the wrapping paper from the floor, and Joe and Darrell joined me in the kitchen to get the final things completed before our Christmas dinner. We were finally ready to sit down to eat a little before 1:30, so I sent Kerry next door to get our neighbors, Paul and Martha Underwood. (They were an elderly couple who lived next door, and I always invited them to our Christmas dinner. They seemed to enjoy it, and so did I. They adored Dawn and Marie, and since Kerry had been living with me, they had gotten to know him and were quite fond of him as well. We had also invited Kenneth and his mother, but they were visiting her brother for the holidays, and could not make it.) When they arrived, all of us had a very good meal. Kerry had asked to return thanks, and he said a very moving prayer which left everyone silent for a few moments after he had finished. I am sure he noticed the glistening in my eyes when he smiled at me afterwards.

Paul and Martha spent the rest of the afternoon with us, and we enjoyed some good old-fashioned conversation in the living room while Kerry, Dawn, and Marie played with the new computer in Kerry's room. Our next door neighbors traveled a lot since Paul had retired as a bank executive. They had just returned from a trip to Germany visiting one of Martha's cousins there, and described the beauty of the Christmas season in the Black Forest area. They had a few pictures with them, all of which were beautiful, but they didn't monopolize the conversation. They were interested in Roy's job, Doris' activities, Darrell's new home, and Joe's work on a new building in Pittsburgh. And, as usual, they were interested in the children's activities, and told of theirs as well. Their son, Mark, and his wife had two sons, ages 16 and 12, both of whom were excellent in school and into various other activities. Everyone enjoyed the afternoon.

Paul and Martha left about 4:30, with sizeable portions of our leftovers from Christmas dinner. Later on, all of us had a light evening meal, mostly leftovers, but well enjoyed, and afterwards the eight of us gathered around the piano, with Kerry playing, and sang Christmas carols just as we used to do when my older sons were children. For a couple of the more difficult carols, Kerry moved aside and I played, but he did a great job playing the others, mostly from memory. It was cute seeing Kerry playing with Dawn and Marie on either side of him on the piano bench. Doris surprised them by taking a picture of them together. 

After our singing session, I relaxed a while in my chair, and Dawn and Marie came over and sat on my lap. Dawn asked, "Granddaddy, did you have a good Christmas this year?"

"I sure did, Honey," I answered. "It's always a good Christmas when everyone is here and everyone is happy."

"It would be better if Grandmother were still here," she answered. 

"Yes, it would, but you know, Dawn, I believe she IS still here. I know we can't see her or talk to her, but there are times I can still feel her here with us."

"Is she here now?" asked Marie.

Kerry came and stood by the chair.

"Yes, Honey, I think she is. When you think of her, don't you get a warm feeling right here," I touched her chest, "in your heart? Don't you find yourself smiling when you think of her? Don't you remember how much she absolutely adored both of you, and how she made you feel when she was around? I believe she left a lot of her love behind for us, and she took a lot of our love with her. It's that love that we feel, and it's that part of her that is still here, and a part of all of us is with her now."

"Marie, I believe she is still here, too," said Kerry. "I never knew her, I never met her, and I don't even know what she looked like - I never even saw a picture of her - but when Dad holds me and touches me and looks at me like he does, I can almost see her watching and smiling. Dad tells me all the time that he knows she would love me, too, and I guess it's that love I am feeling, just like you and Dawn."

Marie got down from my lap and embraced Kerry. "Oh, Uncle Kerry," she said, "I know she would have loved you. She couldn't keep from it. I know I do, too." 

Kerry leaned down and kissed her cheek. "I love you, too, Marie," he said. 

Dawn also got down and embraced him. "This is from Grandmother," she said, as she kissed his cheek and hugged him. "She loves you, and I love you, too, Uncle Kerry."

"I love you, too, Dawn. I am sure I would have loved your grandmother, too."

"What's wrong, Granddaddy?" asked Marie.

I was astonished, and I must have had the strangest look on my face to prompt Marie's question. Kerry had been with me for over four months, and I thought he and I had gotten to know each other very well in that time, yet he had never even seen a picture of my wife! It hit me like a ton of bricks that I did not have a single picture of her displayed on the wall or sitting on a shelf in my house, anywhere! After her death, I had moved to this house because our old house had too many memories for me. But had I subconsciously tried to keep her out of my life since then? That couldn't be! I had been very forthcoming about her with Kerry, to the point that he claimed he could almost see her, but I had never showed him a picture of her. Was I trying to forget her face? What was wrong with me?

"I'm all right, Honey," I answered, "but Kerry, come here a minute." I got up, went into my bedroom, and opened a box in my closet. Kerry, Dawn, and Marie followed me. I got out a framed portrait of my wife that had been taken about five months before her death, and handed it to Kerry. "Kerry, when I become your father, this is the woman who will become your mother."

Kerry took one look at the portrait and burst into tears. He gently laid the portrait on the bed and ran over to me, burying his face into my chest, holding me. "Oh, Dad, I'll have the best parents in the world when that happens. You always told me she was perfect, but I never realized until now just how perfect she is. I know her now, Dad, and I love her."

"She loves you, too, Kerry, I know she does." 

"She does love you, Uncle Kerry," said Dawn. She and Marie put their arms on his shoulders as he held me.

After a few minutes, Kerry broke his embrace, and I picked up the portrait. "Kerry, if you want to, take this picture and put it in your room. In the next few days, you and I will decide if we want to display any more pictures in the rest of the house. I'm sorry, Kerry, I never realized that you would have liked to see her picture."

"That's all right, Dad," he answered.

"By the way, do you know of any pictures of your mom that you would like to display here?"

"Not really. I never saw many pictures of her, and at my stepfather's house there weren't many pictures at all. I'd like to have one, but I guess that won't happen."

"Would you like for me to call your stepfather again and see if he has one?"

"NO. Forget him! I have you now. I don't want to have anything that he has touched."

"OK, Son, I won't. But if you ever change your mind, just let me know. OK?"

"OK."

Kerry picked up the portrait and carried it into his room, where he stayed for quite a while. When it was time for bed, I went to the doorway to make sure everything was all right. He was sitting on the side of his bed, looking at the portrait. "Kerry, it's time for bed now," I said. "Are you all right?"

"Yes, I'm fine," he answered. He got up and took the portrait with him into my bedroom and placed it on the night stand facing the bed. 

All of us wished each other "good night," and got ready for bed. Kerry, as usual, slept naked, but this time he turned toward the portrait and was looking at it when I got into bed on my side. As I wished him good night, he slid back toward me on the bed, with his back to my chest, and his head on my arm, still looking at the portrait. "Why did God have to take her?" he asked.

"Kerry, I have always heard it said that God writes straight using crooked lines. It is not for us to know the details of His plan, but we have to accept the fact that He knows what He is doing. Everything has a purpose in His plan, and it's a good one. I don't claim to know exactly what it is, but maybe He took your mom and my wife so that He could bring us together. Maybe He took my wife because he needed her in Heaven. Maybe He took your mom because he had another little angel in Heaven who needed a mom. I don't know the answer, Son. Maybe some day we will know all the answers, but for right now, all we can do is trust Him and let Him lead us in the way He wants us to go. I guess everyone, at some time or other, gets angry at God for something that happens. I guess, in a way, I have been angry at Him for some time for taking my wife. But He gave me you, and for that, I could forgive Him for anything."

"Thanks, Dad. I can't be angry at Him either. I miss my mom, but I have you now. I wish I could have known Mary, but I love you, and I guess she is still a part of you, so in a way I do know her and I love her. Excuse me just a minute." He climbed out of my embrace, removed the gold chain and crucifix from around his neck, and hung it over the frame of Mary's picture. "Now both of my mothers have one of these. Maybe they will help them find each other in heaven." He came back to bed and crawled into my arms.

"Kerry, you have a wisdom far beyond your years. God has a plan for you. Your job is to seek out His will and follow Him in all that you do. I'll be with you as long as He allows me to be, but He will be with you forever if you will just let Him. You know that I love you very much, Kerry, but you cannot even begin to imagine how much He loves you. You don't have to leave me to go to Him. Go to Him, Kerry. Let him enter your heart and lead you where He wants you to go."

Kerry turned to me and kissed me gently. "I love you, Dad," he said.

"I love you, too, Son. Pleasant dreams."

He closed his eyes, and once again, my little angel slept in my arms, in my bed, and in my heart.

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