Kerry

Kerry was up before sunrise the next day, and nothing would do but I had to get up early, too. He was so excited about Larry's visit that he literally couldn't wait until 9:00 a.m., when we were to pick him up. He inhaled his breakfast, made our bed, checked his room at least a dozen times to make sure it was up to his standards, and fidgeted around so much that I had to tell him several times to settle down.

At 8:30, he couldn't contain himself any longer, and I estimated that it was about a 15 minute drive to Larry's house, and would take about ten to pick up Kenneth, so we got into the car and started. 

Kenneth lived only six blocks from us, and he was waiting for us on his front porch. Larry, however, lived in an older part of town, and the houses there were mostly small, frame buildings with very small yards. Kerry pointed out his stepfather's house to me as we approached. It didn't exactly appear to be vacant, but it was the worse for wear and not well maintained. The house was in desperate need of paint and the lawn needed mowing in the worst way. There were very few flowers or other ornaments in the lawn, and there was an apparently disabled old car on the grass next to the house. It did not present a very favorable impression.

Larry's house was two doors away, and like the other houses, had a very small yard; however, the yard was nicely kept, and the house appeared to be well maintained on the outside. The flower beds surrounding the house were filled with beautiful colors, and there was a small hedge surrounding the front lawn. Larry was sitting on the front porch when we arrived, and he was at Kerry's window before the car even stopped. Both the boys seemed very excited to see each other. Kerry introduced Larry to me and to Kenneth, and was all smiles as I shook Larry's hand. 

Larry seemed to be a nice boy, on first impression. He was about six inches taller than Kerry was, and he appeared to be somewhat older. He was certainly heavier, more muscular, and more athletically built than was Kerry, and his skin was much more tanned, but he still had the look of a young boy, and was actually quite handsome. His hair was a dark brown, and his eyes were hazel. His voice was somewhat deeper than Kerry's, although it was definitely still a boy's voice, and was really smooth and pleasant. He was dressed nicely in a pair of khaki-colored shorts and a brick red polo-style shirt, with the same color socks and white sneakers. 

Larry led us to the living room of the house, where his parents were watching television. He introduced me to them, and they both seemed pleasant enough, although his father seemed somewhat aloof. His mother was quite talkative, and did most of the talking with me. She told me that Larry and Kerry had been very good friends while they were classmates, and she was sorry about the situation in Kerry's home. She had known his mother for about a year before she died, and knew her to be a very supportive and loving mother. She had died from breast cancer, which she had fought for a little over four years. (I found out later that Kerry never knew what was wrong with his mother - she had never told him.) 

I probably should not have asked at the initial meeting, but I asked her if Larry were having any problems in school. She seemed uncomfortable talking about it, but said he was indeed having problems with his grades. She said that she had been working with Larry at his teachers' suggestions, and he seemed to be doing better, but she did not know what was causing the problems. She had tried to speak with her husband about it, but he seemed more offended by it than willing to help. That was not like him, but she would continue to work with him about it. I was very surprised that she opened up so quickly with me about her son, whom I had never met until a few minutes ago. I got the impression that here was a woman who was overwhelmed, and didn't really know what was going on. Since I had not had a chance to speak to Larry about anything, I didn't pursue the matter any further, and I was relieved when she didn't either.

We agreed that Larry could spend the day with Kerry and Kenneth, and I would have him back home no later than 8:00 p.m. All three boys climbed into the back seat of my car, and we were on our way. I didn't talk much on the way home, mainly because no one could have gotten a word in edgewise with these three magpies. But it was good that Larry and Kerry were together again and talking about things that had happened while they were apart. I was warmed when Kerry told Larry that I was going to be his new dad real soon. Larry told him how lucky he was, and said that he wished he could find a new dad. I didn't know how to respond to that, so I didn't say anything.

When we got home, the boys headed straight for Kerry's room, where they spent the next couple of hours talking and playing video games. Shortly before noon, I went to the door to ask them what they would like to have for lunch, and found all three boys sitting on the floor naked in front of the TV holding a game controller. Although I was a little shocked at this, I kept my wits about me, and casually asked about lunch. Kerry looked at me very innocently, but Larry was clearly embarrassed, and Kenneth looked terrified.

"It's OK, guys, he sees me naked all the time. He's fine with it. Aren't you, Dad?"

"Well, let's say I am at least used to it with you, Kerry, after all, you live here and obviously I am going to see you from time to time. But I don't think it is a good idea for you to be getting naked when your friends are visiting, and I certainly don't think you should be having your friends doing it with you. I have told you before that there are some things that have to remain just between us. Kerry, most people don't keep secrets very well, and now I know that you don't, either. What do you think will happen now if Larry or Kenneth tells anyone that I allow you to be naked around me? What do you think your other friends would say if they knew that you three got naked with each other? Once stories like this get started, they are almost impossible to stop. You are playing with fire, Kerry, and you need to start being more discrete about some things."

"But we weren't doing anything!"

"That's right, Mr. Newman, we weren't," said Kenneth.

"I know you weren't, boys, and I am sure that this is something that you two have probably done before and don't think anything about it. It's just childhood innocence, and I am not going to make a big deal out of it now. But I am going to point out that all of you are at an age when this kind of thing isn't considered acceptable by society at large. I am not saying that it is inherently morally wrong, but I am saying that most people would not see it that way. They tend to over-react and make it seem worse than what it actually is. And what you all have apparently forgotten is that this is my home. I am responsible for what goes on here, and I can't afford to let it get out that I entertain naked children in my house. You know that I haven't even been in the same room with you this morning, but if this got out, I would be labeled as a child molester."

"Gosh, Dad, I never thought of it that way. I am so sorry. We will all put our clothes back on." Kerry started for his clothes.

"Look, boys, I told you that I wasn't going to make a big deal out of this, and I am not. But let me ask you, Larry, Kenneth, is this something that you and Kerry like to do with each other?"

"Well, we have done it several times," started Larry. "I can't speak for Kerry, but I know I enjoy being naked with him. We have never touched each other, I just like to look at him. He's very cute. But I do apologize to you. None of us really thought about how you would feel about it." Larry seemed really ashamed, and I knew that his apology was genuine.

"I have never done this before with anyone," Kenneth answered, "but I have to admit I do like it. It just seems natural, and it is fun. But I am sorry if we upset you."

"Dad, I really am sorry, too. Yes, I like being naked with Larry - it is just something I enjoy. And Kenneth seems to enjoy it as well. We haven't done anything this morning except play video games, and it just felt right to take off our clothes and be comfortable. I didn't think you would mind."

"Don't get me wrong, boys. If this is what you want to do, and as long as you can keep this kind of thing among yourselves, I personally don't mind. But, Kerry, I have explained to you why it is crucial that this kind of thing remain just between us. This is not something that anyone else needs to know about. Now, you have chosen to include Larry and Kenneth in this, so Larry, and Kenneth, I must tell you as well that you must keep this strictly among the four of us. If you can't or don't want to do that, then please tell me now."

"I promise I will, Mr. Newman. Kerry has told me what a wonderful father you have been to him, and he has always been my special friend. I would never tell anyone anything that would hurt either of you. I don't want to be the one that tears you two apart from each other."

"I promise I will, too, Mr. Newman," Kenneth answered. "I would be embarrassed to tell anyone about it, especially now that I know how you feel."

"Kenneth, Larry, I don't want you to think that I am angry, because I am not, but I have to stress to you that I mean NO one else can know about this. No exceptions. Do you understand?"

"Yes, I understand," said Kenneth.

"Yes, Mr. Newman. I won't even tell my parents. I am afraid my dad would kill me."

"I doubt that your dad would kill you, Larry, but I am sure he wouldn't take too kindly to it, either."

"You don't know the half of it. If he thought he could get rid of me and still keep Mom and everything else, he would do it."

"Well, I don't know your dad that well, but if you boys want to keep doing this, then you need to understand that you must be extremely careful. It is just a good habit to get into. If you do it here, you need to make sure there is no possibility of any of your other friends showing up, and you all have to be very careful in your conversations with your other friends that this doesn't get brought up. Kerry, I suggest that you make sure that Larry and Kenneth understand what I told you earlier, and you had better be sure you understand it as well. If all of you can keep this just among us, then I don't have a problem with it, but I must warn you not to include anyone else, at least for right now. Also, I hope you know that if Larry or Kenneth tells anyone about this - I know they say they won't, but it could happen - then there is no way that I will be allowed to be your father. I meant what I said when I told you that NO one else could know. Now, because you weren't careful, someone else knows. No one else saw you today, so it may turn out all right, and if you are such good friends, it probably will, but do you see now how it feels to be uncertain?"

"OK, Dad, I will explain to Larry and Kenneth. I am so sorry, Dad. I promise this won't happen ever again." He came over to me, put his arms around my waist, and began to sob softly. 

"Don't cry, Kerry, I'm not mad at any of you. I just want you to know what other people would say if they were to find out about this, and that there are people in this world who would like nothing more than to spread around a lot of gossip. If you want to do this, I would suggest you keep your room door closed in case anyone were to make a surprise visit, and you all need to understand that you can't discuss it even with each other unless you are alone. You know I love you, Kerry, I am not mad, I just want you to be more careful. Okay?

"Okay, Dad."

Larry and Kenneth walked over to me and made a group hug out of it. "Don't worry, Mr. Newman, and Kerry, you don't worry, either. I promise I will never tell anyone. Kerry, you know I love you much too much for that," said Larry.

Kerry broke off our hug, and gave Larry such an astonished look, it was almost comical. "Larry, you never told me that before."

"I'm sorry. I didn't know how you would react, so I never told you. It just seemed right to tell you now."

"Larry, you are a special friend, you are by far my best friend, you mean a lot to me, and I like you a whole lot, but I have been taught to be careful how I use that word 'love.' When you can say it and mean it, 'I love you' is the most beautiful thing you can say to a person, but if you don't mean it for any reason, then nothing is quite as cruel. I am not ready to say that to you, Larry. I hope that doesn't make you sad or angry, but I am just not ready, and I may never be. Can you accept that for now?"

Larry thought a moment before answering, "Yes, I can." He and Kerry had a long look into each other's faces. It was very obvious that these two boys had a special relationship, and I was happy for both of them. I didn't know if either of them would turn out to be homosexual, and I personally didn't care. They both claimed that they had never done anything with each other, but it wouldn't matter to me if they had. They were both ten, almost eleven years old, and still exploring various kinds of relationships with others. They liked each other, they were comfortable with each other, and they didn't read a lot of extraneous ideas into their relationship. This was classic childhood innocence, nothing more.

But I don't know the words to explain how I felt about Kerry's statement to Larry about the word 'love.' It was almost word for word what I had told him when I first met him, and here he was treating it as gospel. I had known Kerry's feelings for quite a while by this time, but for the first time I felt I really knew what 'love' meant to him, and it was exactly what I had taught him about what it meant to me. There are indescribable moments between all fathers and sons who love each other, and this was definitely one between Kerry and me. It was several moments before I could speak. "Boys, it looks like you have some talking to do with each other. Do you want me to make you some lunch, or would you like me to order a pizza?"

"Pizza!" they yelled. I left the room and placed the order. The boys stayed in Kerry's room until it arrived, and when I called them, they all came into the dining room, fully clothed, for lunch. We had a very enjoyable meal, and some very good conversation.

After lunch, the boys returned to Kerry's room, and I cleaned up the dining room and kitchen, then went back to my office to plan some details for the church's Christmas program. I finished my work and was straightening up some files when Larry walked in.

"Mr. Newman, could I talk to you for a minute?" he asked.

"Sure, come on in and have a seat. What's on your mind?"

"Well, first of all I want to apologize to you again. None of us wanted to disappoint you or make you angry, and I guess we just didn't really think about what we were doing. We're all really sorry, and I promise that no one will ever find out about it from me. I know you are still uncertain, because you and I don't know each other yet, but as I said, I can't tell my parents, and I certainly wouldn't tell anyone else. I am really sorry, Mr. Newman, and I promise it won't happen again."

"Forget it, Larry. It is normal for kids your age to explore your bodies together, and I know kids enjoy playing like that occasionally, especially friends who are as close as you and Kerry seem to be. I just wanted you all to know that you had better be discrete about such things, because there are a lot of people in this world whose lives are boring and uninteresting for the most part, and they like nothing better than spreading around a lot of gossip, mostly enhanced beyond what they know to be the truth, and trying to inflict some kind of Victorian morality on everyone around them. I wish people would mind their own business, especially aspects which do not pertain to them or cause them any harm, and quit trying to govern how other people live their lives. But that's not going to happen in my lifetime, and probably not in yours, either. I like to think I am tolerant of most activities which are normal and expected, but most people aren't."

"I know, and I thank you for not getting angry and making such a big deal about it. But Kerry told me that I could talk to you, and I told him I would try. He says you already know about my problems at school and home."

"Well, I don't think I know a whole lot. I have heard that you are having some problems at school, and Kerry has told me that he thinks your father blames you for an incident that happened when he had to leave his stepfather's house, but that is about all I know."

"Well, as I told you, Kerry and I have played together naked several times. We have never done anything with each other, we haven't even touched each other before. We both just enjoy being that way. It's just more comfortable for us. We have even done it in my house as well as where Kerry lived. But when Kerry's stepfather caught us, he got really angry. He kicked Kerry out, and he dragged me home that night and told my dad that Kerry and I were "queering around" at his house. My dad hasn't been the same since. He is sullen and yells at me all the time. I have tried to talk to him several times, but he won't let me. My mom is all right, I guess, but she is weak and won't stand up to my dad about anything. I just don't know what to do. The only real problem I am having at school is that I don't always do my homework. I am so worried and confused about home I just can't seem to concentrate and make myself do it, and I am so far behind right now I don't understand a lot of the work we are doing. I have tried everything I know to do, and nothing is working. I love my mom, and I love my dad, but I just can't seem to talk to them. I have talked more to Kerry and Kenneth today than I have with my parents for over a month. I am so lonely I can hardly stand it, and none of the other kids in school like me as much as Kerry did when he was there. I know you can't do a lot, Mr. Newman, but would you please give me some ideas on what I could try?"

"Well, Larry, the main thing I would suggest to you is that you put all this behind you as best you can, and just be yourself. I know that is a tall order, but that's what you need to do. It is not going to do anyone any good for you to do poorly on your school work - in fact, it will make everything else that much worse. You say you love your dad, and that tells me that you have had a good relationship with him in the past. I am sure he loves you, too, but he is just a little disappointed and confused right now. I am sure he will come around. Just give him time."

"I'll try, Mr. Newman, but I don't know how much longer I can give him. He's been mad at me before, but never like this, and never this long."

"Well, different men need different amounts of time to work things out in their own mind. Unfortunately, a lot of men tend to be very uptight about their own sexuality, and when confronted with a situation that may lead some people to believe their child is gay, they tend to overreact and not listen to reason. It is a very gut-level defense mechanism, and unfortunately, some men never do get over it completely. But, like I told you, all you can do is just be yourself. If you see an opportunity to talk to him, take it, or if you see how you can explain things to him, by all means do it. Believe me, it will have an effect, even if it doesn't seem so at first. At least, it will give him something to think about, and it will let him know that you are trying."

"I'll try, but would you please talk to him for me? Kerry says you spoke to his stepfather and he agreed to sign some papers for you."

"Believe me, Larry, that was different. I don't want to go into details about that with you. In your case, let me suggest that you speak to your school counselor, and be very honest with him. Your counselor has had to deal with situations like this much more than I have, and he may know of some better things to try. Also, if your counselor feels it would help to speak to your dad, your dad would probably accept things from him that he would never accept from me. Your counselor may be able to arrange some family counseling for you that would help as well. If, after you do that, you think it would help for me to talk to your dad, I would be willing to try, but if I were to do it now, I am afraid things could get worse instead of better."

"I never thought about the counselor, but maybe she could help at that. Thanks for the suggestion."

"Larry, let me ask you a question, and you don't have to answer it if you don't want to, but if you do, please answer truthfully so I can help you more. OK?"

"OK."

"Larry, do you consider yourself to be a homosexual?"

"Please, Mr. Newman, don't make me answer that."

"I won't. I told you that you didn't have to answer. Whether you are or aren't, it makes no difference to me, and I am sure it won't make any difference to Kerry. Besides, at your age, most boys go through a stage where they may have homosexual thoughts, and most boys experiment sexually with other boys at your age and a little older. That's probably what you and Kerry and Kenneth are doing right now. It doesn't mean anything except that you are curious and that is entirely normal. Most boys outgrow it eventually, but some remain gay. When they do, I believe they can still lead a happy and productive life. Yes, there are people who don't see if that way, and there are people who hate gays for no reason other than that they are gay. It's a problem that gays still have to deal with, but I believe it is better to be yourself, and be open about yourself, than try to be something that you are not. You still don't have to answer my question if you are uncomfortable with it, Larry, and you may not even know the answer yourself, but if you do, knowing the answer may make it easier for me to help you."

"Truthfully, Mr. Newman, I don't know. Kerry is my best friend, and like I said, we have played naked with each other, but that is as far as it went. I have never had a girlfriend, like most of the guys have. I don't know, maybe I am gay."

"Larry, a lot of guys your age don't have a girlfriend. Some who have one would die before they would admit it, and some claim that they have a dozen when they have never had even one. In my experience, those who brag the most usually have the least. It's not important what the other guys have. The important thing is what you feel about yourself. You may be straight, you may be gay, you may be going through a normal period of experimentation with other guys, or you may be something else, but whatever you are, you are still you, and there are a lot of kids your age - boys and girls - who would like to be your friend. You need to know that."

"Thanks, Mr. Newman, but I really wish I could believe that."

"Believe it, Larry, because it is true. I've never met a kid yet who didn't at one time or another believe that no one liked him or felt there was something wrong with him so that he would never have a friend. It happened to me, and it is happening to you, but like I said, just be yourself. Believe me, someone at your school likes you because of what he sees in you. It may take a while for you to find each other, but you will. Just take my word for it right now. As for your father, Larry, let me tell you that it takes a lot to cause a father and a son to lose their relationship. I know it happens sometimes, but I don't think that is true in your case. Your father is disappointed, confused, and probably a little angry with you, but he is still your father, and I would be very surprised if he doesn't get back to his old self very soon. I know it has been over a month, and I know that can seem like a long time, but it's not very long in the overall scheme of things. I know he still loves you - he just needs to be reminded of that in a way that he can accept in his state of mind right now. It wouldn't hurt at all if he were also reminded that you still love him. I'd be willing to bet that it has been some time since you told him."

"You're right - it has been quite a while."

"If I were you, I would try again to have a talk with your dad, and I would start it out by telling him how you feel about him, and follow up by telling him some of the things you have just told me."

"Thanks, Mr. Newman. I'll try." Larry got up out of his chair and came over and put his arms around me. I returned his hug and gave him an affectionate pat on the back, then he left to return to Kerry's room. In just a moment, Kerry came in, gave me a big hug, and said, "Thanks, Dad, you're the greatest," then returned to his room. 

In just a few minutes, Kenneth came in. "Mr. Newman, you aren't going to tell my mom what we were doing, are you?"

"No, Kenneth, I'm not. I don't think you were doing anything wrong, I think you just weren't thinking. Telling anyone would just make an innocent situation seem like a big deal, and would cause more problems. It's best to just forget about it."

"Thanks. I really am sorry for what we did, Mr. Newman, and I promise it won't happen again. I just don't want my mom to find out. I think that would be all it would take."

"What do you mean, Kenneth?"

"Well, she knows I am gay, and she is not happy with it. She would probably put me in a home somewhere if she knew."

"Kenneth, I don't know your mom, but I wouldn't worry about that if I were you. Yes, sometimes it happens, but when the chips are down, most parents will protect their children. Very few actually try to get rid of them, either by harming them or giving them away."

"Would you give me up if you were my dad?"

"Absolutely not! If you were my son, I would be very proud of you. You seem to be a fine boy - nice, friendly, intelligent, affectionate. Who wouldn't be proud to have a son like you?"

"Thanks, Mr. Newman. I wish my mom felt that way," he said, almost tearfully. He came to me and gave me a big hug. "Is is OK with you if I tell you that I love you?"

"It sure is, Kenneth. I am not at all hesitant to tell you that I love you, too."

"Thanks," he said, kissing my cheek before returning to Kerry's room. 

The boys stayed in Kerry's room the rest of the afternoon, coming out only for supper. When it came time for Larry and Kenneth to go home, they were ready the first time I called. Kenneth chose to walk home, so Kerry, Larry and I got in the car, both boys in the back seat. They didn't speak much on the way over to Larry's house, but I got the impression that Larry was feeling better about a lot of things. When we arrived, he said good-bye to Kerry, then came to me and thanked me again, then ran to his father and gave him a big hug. I looked back at Kerry in the back seat, and he had a big smile on his face. 

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