Kerry

Kerry and I both had birthdays during the first part of October, his on the 12th and mine on the 8th. It just so happened that mine fell on a Friday, and his fell on Tuesday. At his suggestion, we combined our celebrations on the Saturday in between. We planned a small party at the house for the afternoon. He invited Larry and his family, along with Kenneth and about a dozen of his other friends from school, and I invited the pastor, the two lawyers, and two couples from church who had been longtime friends, as well as both my next-door neighbors. I felt it would probably not be good to invite the judge or Ms. Adams, since technically the case was still in progress. 

My son, Joseph Bradley, (my wife's son from a previous marriage) was unable to come, but sent Kerry and me a really nice birthday card and said that he would try to visit us over Thanksgiving. 

My younger adopted son, Darrell, arrived shortly before dinner on Friday evening from Oklahoma City, where he lived and worked as a bank executive. He was thirty-one years old, had graduated from Cornell University nine years previously, and seemed to be on the fast track in his career. He had worked with the bank seven years, starting out as a loan officer, and had been named a vice president after three years. He was a few inches shorter than I, standing about 5'11" and weighing about 190 lbs. He had light brown hair, blue eyes, and a tanned complexion. Although he was a little on the heavy side, he was in good physical shape, and worked out regularly at a health club. After dinner was over, he and Kerry spent some time in the back yard throwing a football around, and both seemed to have a good time. Darrell had always been a big kidder, telling jokes and pulling stunts to get a good laugh. Several times I heard Kerry laugh out loud when they were together, and I wondered what jokes he had heard.

My older son, Roy, arrived about 11:00 Saturday morning with his wife Doris and my two granddaughters, Dawn and Marie, aged 11 and 8. They had driven in from Austin, where Roy worked as a computer systems analyst and Doris was an elementary school teacher. This was their first time to meet Kerry, and to no one's surprise (especially not to mine), they were completely taken with him. He was so polite, so self-assured, and so obviously happy they could not help themselves. And he was so attentive to both my granddaughters that they absolutely adored him. I felt so proud of him.

The weather was unseasonably warm, and had been for over a week. I had told Kerry that if he wanted to, we would turn on the pool heater, which would make the water a little more comfortable. We turned it on Friday night, but it didn't have to run very long to make the water warm enough to swim. By the time all the guests had arrived, the water was about 87 degrees. The grownups had a great time watching the kids romping in the water, and enjoyed the sunshine and drinks on the patio. We were about to cut the cake and serve the ice cream when the pastor had a surprise for us. On cue, fourteen members of the church choir appeared, in their robes, and sang "Happy Birthday" to us. It turned out to be a very nice party.

About 6:00 p.m., Kerry started opening his birthday gifts. He got a nice sweater with his school's mascot embroidered on it from a group of his friends, a few pairs of socks, and a nice tie. Kenneth gave him a very nice wallet, and Larry and his family got him a new baseball glove, which he seemed to be especially proud of. Darrell, Roy, and his family gave him a very nice watch. I had gotten him a couple of new video games (with Larry's help picking them out). The kids talked for a while longer among themselves, mostly about school-related subjects, but all the kids except Larry and Kenneth had gone by 7:00, and the pastor and the lawyers left shortly afterward. Larry's parents had left earlier in the afternoon - he was to spend the night with us, and we were to take him home after church services the next day. Roy and his family were also spending the night. Darrell had to fly to Chicago the next day, so he would leave a little later.

Darrell had to catch a 9:17 flight back to Oklahoma City, and although I offered to drive him to the airport, he insisted on taking a taxi. "You just relax and enjoy the rest of the family for your birthday," he told me. "And just between you and me, I know a special little boy who is going to make you the happiest man on the planet for the rest of your life. I just thank God for him. I don't know how you do it, but you always seem to be at the right place at the right time. He will be good for you - I don't believe I have to worry about you anymore." Just before he left, he called Kerry over to him, and they had a short conversation, after which Darrell mussed his hair and Kerry giggled as he gave him a good-bye hug. Darrell's taxi came, so he said his good-byes to the rest of us, and he left. He told me, "Dad, I know you love Kerry, but love him for me, too, will you?" I assured him that I would.

Larry, Kenneth, Kerry, and the girls went into Kerry's room to play video games for a while, and we heard the usual sounds of laughter along with the noises the games made. Roy, Doris and I just sat in the living room talking about nothing in particular, then Doris wanted to know more about Kerry.

"Dad, have you heard any more about his family since you got him?" she asked.

"No. I have no desire to contact his stepfather any more, and the only family member he knows about is his great aunt. I have spoken to her, and she is supportive. I have encouraged him to keep in contact with her, and I know that he called her on the phone one day last month, but I don't know any details about it."

"Has his stepfather tried to cause any difficulties?"

"No, he knows better than to try. He has already signed the papers giving his consent, so I don't anticipate any problems with him, but if he wants to fight, I am ready for him."

"Kerry seems like such a nice boy. I can't imagine anyone not wanting to keep him, but I can tell that you have been good for him, and he has been good for you, too. I hope it all works out for both of you."

"Thanks, Doris. So do I."

Shortly afterward, Roy and Doris went into the kitchen to make some drinks, and I just sat in my recliner reliving the day. Presently, Larry came into the living room to talk with me.

"Mr. Newman?" he began.

"Hi. Are you and the other kids enjoying the games?"

"Yes, sir. Could I talk with you a minute, please?"

"Sure, Larry, what's on your mind?"

"First of all, I want to thank you for your suggestions last time. I had a long talk with my dad after I got back home, and I think we were able to clear the air for the most part. I believe he still has a little way to go, but things are much better between us now. If nothing else, we both know that we still love each other. You helped more than you will ever know, and I just want to say 'thank you.' He came over to me and gave me a big hug.

"You're welcome, Larry. I'm so glad things are working out between you two."

"There's something else I want to thank you for, Mr. Newman. When I told you last time that I didn't know if I was gay, you listened to me and didn't condemn me at all. You encouraged me and explained that things may not be what I thought they were, but that I would still be me whatever I found out I was. That was more than my father was willing to do at the time, and it helped a lot. Thanks again."

"You're welcome, again," I answered. 

"Well, I still don't know for sure what I am. I still want Kerry to be my friend, and I still love him, even though he doesn't want to say that to me, but there is a new girl in my class who moved in about three weeks ago, and I think I like her. One of my classmates says he thinks she likes me, too. Do you think I should try to be her friend? I mean, even if there is a chance I might be gay?"

"Larry, if you like this girl and you think she likes you, then by all means, go for it! If the time comes that you know for sure that you are gay, then you owe it to her to be honest with her. After all, you can still be friends, but she would eventually need to find someone else to date. Until then, it is normal for you to have uncertainties about a lot of things. Depending on how well you can get to know her, you may or may not want to discuss your uncertainties with her, as a friend. But don't feel like you have to rush things right now. Just be yourself, be her friend, and let her be your friend. Maybe it will lead to something deeper, maybe it won't - that's normal, too."

"Thanks. I am just a little bashful when it comes to girls."

Roy and Doris re-appeared with their drinks and handed me a can of Diet Coke.

"Most boys your age are. Believe me, she's used to that."

Larry came over to give me another hug. "Thanks again, Mr. Newman. Kerry is right - you're the greatest dad in the world. Happy birthday!"

"Just don't forget whose dad he is," interrupted Kerry as he and Kenneth entered the room, followed by Dawn and Marie.

"Thanks a lot, Son," I whispered in his ear as I hugged him. "You have no idea how great that makes me feel."

"Happy birthday, Granddaddy," squealed both the girls almost in unison. They both climbed up on my lap and kissed my cheeks. 

"Thank you, Honey," I answered, kissing them both on the forehead. Though they were sisters, Dawn and Marie were as different as night and day. Dawn was an athlete - she had played Little League baseball, YMCA basketball, and select team soccer for the last five years, and had made the all-star team in every sport every year. She had already told me that she was going to try for the basketball, track and tennis teams at her school this year. She was a tall girl, a little over five feet, but she was slim and had a very athletic build. Marie, on the other hand, was a little princess. She enjoyed playing dress-up and playing with her doll collection. She was quite an actress and artist - she had played the lead part in one of her school plays last year, and had also won an award for best poster during Fire Prevention Week. She was shorter than Dawn, about 4'8", but both girls weighed almost the same. Both had outgoing, bubbly personalities, and I loved them both. And they were both absolutely beautiful little girls!

"Is Uncle Kerry going to live with you?" asked Dawn, getting down from my lap. "I hope he does. He's nice."

"Yeah, he is nice," retorted Marie, joining Dawn on the floor. "I like him." 

Kerry blushed, but he had a big smile on his face. I could tell he got along well with the girls.

"Well, I hope he stays with me for a long time, girls. But do you think he really wants to?"

"Sure, he does!" answered Marie. "Don't you, Uncle Kerry?"

"He does. I can tell," volunteered Kenneth.

"I sure do. Dad, I can't think of a better time to give you your birthday present than now. Happy birthday, Dad," he said, holding out a small box wrapped with white paper and a dark blue ribbon and bow.

I was a little surprised, because I had told Kerry he didn't need to get me anything for my birthday, but I opened the box and found a beautiful gold tie clasp with four small diamonds in the center of the bar. "It's beautiful, Kerry," I said, as I reached for him.

Dawn interrupted, "Uncle Kerry says there is one diamond for each of your four children. Is that what they mean?"

"Read the back first," Kerry answered.

I turned the clasp over, and underneath the clip was engraved, "TO OUR DAD, ALL OUR LOVE." I couldn't hold back the tears. Kerry came to me and just melted against me, and we just held each other. He didn't speak, and I couldn't. 

Kenneth came over to me and stood beside my chair. "Happy birthday, Sir," he began. "Maybe I shouldn't say this, but I wish I were Kerry. I would love to have you as my dad." 

He threw his arms around my neck, and I put my arm around him to hold him close. "I'm honored, Kenneth," I said. "I hope you know that you are very special to me, too, and I'll do whatever I can for you. I know you are special to Kerry as well. He speaks very highly of you." 

I continued to hold Kerry and Kenneth, and they seemed to be in no hurry to go elsewhere. After a while, Kenneth said, "Oh, I almost forgot!" He pulled a small package out of his shirt pocket and handed it to me. "Happy birthday, again, Sir," he said.

I opened the package and found a beautiful gold pen and pencil set engraved with my name. "Thank you so much, Kenneth," I said, pulling him back into my arms. "I will always treasure this." He melted into my embrace, then pulled back and gave me a light kiss on the cheek. He sat down on the floor with Dawn and Marie, leaving Kerry in my lap with his head resting lightly on my chest.

After what seemed like several minutes, Roy spoke.

"Dad, I have just spoken with Joe on the telephone, and of course Darrell was here with us today. I guess I have been appointed spokesman for the family, so here goes. Joe, Darrell, and I discussed your situation with each other about a month ago. None of us had met Kerry at the time, and I'll admit we all had some misgivings. We knew that you weren't completely over Mom yet, and we weren't sure it was the best idea in the world for you to take on raising a ten-year-old boy at your age. But after seeing you two together, I can't believe how wrong we were. Joe, Darrell, and I all want you to know that we welcome our new baby brother, and we are all solidly behind you. I'm sure you already knew that, but we all thought it would be important for you to hear." I noticed his eyes were moist, too.

"Thanks, Son," I said. "You and Darrell were my life before I met Mary, you were my life along with her and Joe while she was here, and all three of you have been my life since she left. I love you all more than I can say. I don't love you any less because of Kerry, but all of you are on your own now, and Roy, you have your own family now, and this little boy needs me. I hope you all can understand that I need him just as much."

"That's obvious, Dad," Roy answered. "I can see the love between you two. You are both in very good hands."

"Don't worry about him, Roy," said Kerry, still in my arms, "I'll be eleven years old in two more days. I can take care of him."

Roy laughed. "I am sure you can. Kerry, there has always been a lot of love in our family - that's just Dad's way, and it was Mom's. All of us are glad you are a part of us now. I hope you know that Joe and Darrell and I, along with my family, are a part of you, too. I don't know if Darrell told you before he left, but I know he loves you - I could see it in his face. My family and I - all of us - love you, too. I will be honored to have you as a brother. Happy birthday, Kerry."

"That goes for me, too," said Doris. "You are a very nice young man, and we are all very proud of you. Happy birthday, Kerry."

Kerry left my arms and embraced Doris, then went to Roy and embraced him. "Thanks, Roy. That is the nicest thing you could have said to me. I love you, too, all of you. It's going to be so great having you for a big brother." 

"I'm looking forward to that, Kerry."

Dawn and Marie both walked over to him, and Kerry gave them both a big hug. Dawn kissed him on the cheek, and Marie asked him to bend down a little so that she could, too. He blushed, but I could tell he liked it.

"Dad," Roy began, "I've had a long day, and we have a long drive ahead of us tomorrow afternoon. I think I'll put the girls to bed and turn in. I assume you want Doris and me in the guest room, and the girls in the third bedroom?"

"Yes, that will work. You know where everything is, but let me know if you need anything you can't find."

"Okay. Happy birthday, Dad, and good night, all."

"Good night, Son."

"Good night, Roy," answered Larry and Kerry, almost in unison.

Kenneth said his good-nights to everyone, and said he needed to get home. I offered to walk him home, but he declined, as it was such a short distance. I told him to call back when he got home so we would know he got there safely. He said he would, and then left.

Larry, Kerry, Doris, and I, and the girls said our good-nights to each other, and Roy and Doris left to put the girls to bed. 

After about ten minutes, Kenneth called to say he had arrived home, and I got ready for bed.

For the first time, Kerry was to sleep in his own room with Larry, and I was alone. I thought at first it would be hard to get to sleep since I had gotten so used to having Kerry sleep with me, but surprisingly, I fell asleep very quickly. I felt such a warm glow all over as I went to bed. 

While they were growing up, Joe, Darrell and Roy had been typical kids. They were quick to show affection to Mary and me, as well as to each other, and they certainly gave and got more than their fair share of cuddling and physical contact. But especially in public, they acted a little embarrassed whenever things started getting "mushy," and the only times they seemed to want a lot of cuddling was when they were hurt, confused, or troubled. They were not like Kerry, who seemed to almost constantly crave and relish the physical affection we shared so often. For the first time, I thought that maybe I knew the reason why. As Roy had said, there was always a lot of love in our family. All my boys grew up aware of it, feeling it, living it, and knowing it as well as they knew their own name. Love was there all the time, ready to be openly expressed whenever they needed or wanted it, but since it was so well known and so familiar, they didn't feel that they needed to be hugged all that much to know that they were loved. Kerry, on the other hand, was the most love-starved child I had ever encountered when I first met him. He had grown up deprived of the love of a father, and while he and his mother loved each other, she was always subservient to her husband and couldn't show him as much affection as he needed. He had needed love, and it was not always there, or at least was not very obvious. He had even tried to find it by offering sex, but it didn't work. Now it was all around him, in abundance. He knew it in his mind, but he had a large void in his heart to fill. It would take time and a lot of reassurance in the form of physical and emotional affection before he knew it and felt it as deeply as Joe, Roy and Darrell had at his age. 

Roy had been very eloquent in telling Kerry he was loved and accepted. Darrell, if he had not told him, had told me and at least told Roy with his eyes, and Roy had relayed the message. Doris and the girls certainly had made their feelings for him very obvious, and then there was me, and he well knew the depth of love and affection we shared for each other. Kerry had willingly accepted it from everyone in the family, and returned it to each one in full measure. I felt very warm and very proud of all four of my sons. Four very special, shiny, sparkling diamonds! I slept soundly.

The next morning, we all went to church together, and for the first time I wore my new diamond tie clip. If I do say so myself, the music was especially beautiful that morning. Our soprano soloist sang Franck's Panis Angelicus for the communion service and really outdid herself. I made a point of complimenting her on her solo, and she beamed with pride. The organ and the choir sounded especially sweet, powerful, and reverent, and I was reminded of the poem, The Touch of the Master's Hand, by Myra Brooks Welch. Given the celebration at my house the day before, followed by the beauty of the music today, it seemed appropriate.

We took Larry home after the service. Kerry and I took Roy and his family out to lunch before they left to return home. When we got home, I sat on the living room sofa, put my head back, and relaxed. Kerry climbed into my lap and put his head on my shoulder and his arms around my neck.

"Dad, I had such a good time this weekend. Darrell, Roy, and Doris are wonderful people, and they were all so nice to me. All my friends had a good time - all of us had fun in the pool. Dawn and Marie were so sweet - they started calling me 'Uncle Kerry.' And Larry and I have always enjoyed being together. Those video games you got me were just perfect! Dad, I can't tell you how happy I am. I love you so much." He hugged me very tightly, and I held him close.

"I'm so happy, too, Kerry," I answered. "Happy that we found each other, happy that my family has accepted you so well, happy that you are happy, and happy you are mine."

"I am so happy that you are mine, too. Hold me, Daddy. God, I love you so much!"

I held him. And held him...... .And held him.......

About 3:30 that afternoon, the doorbell rang, and Kerry answered the door to find Kenneth standing on the top step, obviously in tears. He ushered him into the living room and called me to come. As soon as I got to the living room, Kenneth saw me and ran to me with outstretched arms. I took him into my arms and walked with him to the sofa and sat down.

"Oh, Mr. Newman, I've ruined everything," he sobbed, holding me as tightly as he could.

"Kenneth, hold on to me as long as it takes, but try to get control of yourself and let's talk," I said. After a few minutes, he relaxed and pushed away from me, still with teary eyes. "Now, Little Buddy, can you tell me what's wrong?"

"I've ruined everything. My mom had the preacher come over after church today, and he told me that he was going to help me turn away from the sin of being gay. I told him I couldn't help being what I was, but I was okay with it and didn't want to change. My mom told me that I would either change or get out of her house. I think she meant it. The preacher started yelling at me and calling me all kinds of names, and I finally had enough and ran out of the house. When I went back, the preacher was gone, but Mom told me to get out and stay out. I didn't have anywhere else to go, so I came over here. Would you please help me?"

"I'll try, Kenneth. I don't know exactly how right now, but I'll do the best I can." He threw his arms around me again, and for the next few minutes I had my arms full of another very attractive boy. I noticed that Kerry also had tears in his eyes, but wasn't saying anything. After Kenneth relaxed, I spoke to both boys.

"Kerry, why don't you take Kenneth into the kitchen and get yourself a snack so he can relax a bit more. I am going into my office and think for a while about how to go about this. OK?"

"OK, dad," Kerry answered. He and Kenneth went into the kitchen, and I went to my office. I hadn't been there very long when Kerry came to the door and asked to talk to me.

"Come on in, Kerry," I answered. "What's on your mind?"

"Are you going to let Kenneth live here, too?"

"I don't know what I am going to do yet. Is that what you want me to do?"

"No. I like Kenneth, and I know he needs help, but I am still getting used to the idea of your being my father, and I am not entirely sure of where I stand yet. If he were to live here, I would be asked to share you with him. I don't want to sound like I am selfish, but I don't know if I am ready to do that now."

"I understand, Kerry. And you are right. We are both still getting used to each other, and adding another person to the household would complicate things quite a bit. But let me think about this some more, and I'll come up with something. Just know, Kerry, that YOU are the one I love, and no one else, I don't care who it is, is ever going to take your place with me. Do you understand?"

"Yes, I do. Please don't think I am bad for not wanting Kenneth to live here. He is my friend, but I am just not sure of things right now."

"I understand. Don't worry. Now go on back in with Kenneth and try to make him calm down. OK?

"OK."

Kerry returned to his room and Kenneth. I thought and thought, but the more I thought about the situation, the more it came to me that I had heard only one side of the situation. I decided to call Kenneth's mother and see what I could find out. I dialed Kenneth's home number, and on the third ring a woman's voice answered.

"Hello."

"Hello," I answered. "This is Michael Newman. How are you doing?"

"OK, I guess," she answered. "What can I do for you?"

"Well, Kenneth is over here right now, and he is very upset. He has asked me to help him, and I agreed to do what I could, but I have heard only his side of what apparently happened this afternoon, and I would like, if you don't mind, to know what is going on from your point of view."

"Oh, Mr. Newman," she began, obviously breaking down. "I have done a terrible thing. I threw Kenneth out of my house."

"Would you mind telling me why?" I asked.

"Well, you know he is gay, don't you?" she began.

"Yes, but I also know he is your son," I answered.

"I know that, too. My ex-husband is very much against gay people, and he can't accept that Kenneth is gay. He and I have discussed it often before, and last night he convinced me to have our minister have a talk with Kenneth. The minister is very much anti-gay, and my ex felt that maybe he could set Kenneth straight, as it were. He sounded so convinced that it could work that I finally agreed to give it a try. It obviously didn't work, and when I told my ex-husband about it, he got very hostile toward me and got me upset. When Kenneth came back home, I was so angry at my ex, that I took it out on Kenneth and threw him out. Now I am sure he hates me." Her sobbing continued to get louder.

I waited a moment before answering. "Mrs. Carrothers, how do you feel about Kenneth's being gay?"

"I don't like it, Mr. Newman, but I think I am astute enough to know I can't change him. He is my son, and I love him, but I just don't know how to handle this."

"Well, Mrs. Carrothers, I don't presume to have all the answers, but I have found over the years that a lot can be accomplished by listening, so I am going to ask you to listen to a couple of things, and consider them before you take any definite action. OK?"

"OK."

"First of all, Kenneth is only twelve years old. At that age, it is entirely possible that he is gay and knows it, but it is also possible that he is just going through a period of questioning his sexuality and is not at all sure of what he is. Second, being gay says only one thing about a person, and that is that it determines the sex of the person he chooses to love, and hopefully spend his life with, nothing else. It says nothing about his moral fiber, nothing about his devotion to his family and friends, nothing about his intelligence, his competence in his future profession, his abilities, or any other aspect of his life. Right now, I know Kenneth to be a very nice boy who makes friends very easily, and that is an admirable quality, whether he is gay or straight or whatever. If I were in your shoes, I would be proud to have him for a son. I believe you should, too. And lastly, Mrs. Carrothers, I don't believe that anyone knows exactly what "causes" a person to be gay, but I am convinced that it is not a choice. It is a part of a person's make-up that makes him gay. I am a Christian, and I assume you are as well. I believe that God made Kenneth, along with every other being on this planet, and that He does not make trash. If God, in His infinite wisdom, made Kenneth gay, who am I to question His wisdom? It is incumbent upon me, as a Christian, to love him and to do whatever I can to guide him along a path that can lead to his becoming what God intended him to be."

"Don't preach to me, Mr. Newman. I don't like it!"

"I am sorry if you thought I was preaching to you, ma'am. That was not my intention. I am merely trying to point out to you that you need to listen better. You need to listen to Kenneth when he tries to talk about his feelings, and you need to listen to people who are trying to help you, and not those who seem to be intent on making your son miserable. I realize your ex-husband is Kenneth's father and he has a right to express his opinion, but condemning any person because of something that cannot be changed is not the right thing to do. Don't you agree?"

"I'm sorry, Mr. Newman, I am just upset right now, and I am probably too much on edge. This is one of those times I probably don't need to be around anyone. Would you mind terribly if Kenneth spent the night at your house?"

"I don't mind at all, ma'am. Kenneth is always welcome at my house. But remember that tomorrow is a school day, and he probably has his homework, books, and school clothes over at your house."

"You're right. That just shows you how well I am thinking right now. Would you let him stay there for a little while and let me get better control of myself, and I will come get him this evening, say around 8:00 p.m. Is that OK?"

"That's fine, Mrs. Carrothers. See you this evening around 8:00. Good-bye."

Mrs. Carrothers showed up shortly before 8:00. She and I, along with Kerry and Kenneth, had a long talk in the living room before she and Kenneth went home. I learned a lot about what being gay, or even thinking that you are gay, means to a young boy, and I am sure she learned a lot as well. Kenneth learned that he has a devoted mother, not one who was ready to get rid of him, and I know that helped him a lot. All of us learned how to be better friends with each other. And I also learned that, thank God, another little boy thinks I am a special man. He will never be my son, but I love him dearly, and I know he loves me as well.