Kerry

I jumped out of bed, ran toward the guest room, turned on the hall light, and flung the door open. Kerry was standing in the middle of the floor, looking absolutely terrified. He screamed again. I ran to him, dropped to one knee, and gathered him into my arms. He threw his arms around me, and I have never been held so tightly. He buried his little face into my neck, his nose tight against my neck so that it was almost painful for me there. I tried to soothe him by speaking softly into his ear. "It's okay; hold onto me, Kerry. Hold me tight. Hold me as long as you need to, but try to get control of yourself. You are safe here. I am right here with you, and nothing is going to harm you. Shhhhhhhh."

Kerry continued to hold me - tight. God, he was strong for such a little guy. As we held each other, I felt him slowly relax, and his terrified, rapid breathing gave way to more regular peaceful breaths. But he still held me very tight. He took me at my word, and apparently held me as long as he needed to.

Which turned out to be the rest of the night!

For the first time, I could see that his hair was a beautiful light chestnut brown. It felt so fine, so soft and silky against my neck and shoulder, and had the most pleasant, clean smell after his shower. His face was that of a beautiful little child, very soft and translucent, with just the hint of a tan. And as strong as his little muscles were in holding me, his body was even softer against me. With me down on one knee, he was almost exactly as tall as I was, so that his head was just the right height to nuzzle into the space between my shoulder and neck. His breath felt so warm and soft against my neck - I had not felt that sensation since my youngest granddaughter was a baby. I don't know what he had found in the bathroom after his shower, probably some kind of lotion or something my son's wife had left in the guest bathroom, but he smelled so good. He was obviously all boy, but at that moment, I knew I was holding an angel.

"I am sorry if I woke you up, Sir," he said after a while, still holding me. "I woke up and didn't know where I was, and it scared me."

"That's okay, Kerry," I said softly into his ear. "I have heard of that happening to people in strange places, but just know that there is nothing here to hurt you. Are you all right?" I couldn't help myself - I kissed him on the cheek. He didn't seem to mind at all.

"I'm not scared anymore, now that you are here," he said. 

We held each other for a few more minutes. After a while, I realized that he was totally naked - he was not using my T - shirt as a nightshirt. I had one arm around his shoulders and the other around his buttocks, holding him close to me. I couldn't see his back, but I could feel his firm little butt resting in my hand. He had held me so tight, and had tried to get so close to me, he was literally touching me from the top of his head to his toes, and he felt so nice. Here I was with an absolutely beautiful little boy in my arms; he was totally naked, totally dependent on me, looking only to me for comfort and support; and although I felt a tremendous surge of feelings for this little boy, I never became aroused. I already loved him too much for that.

Love. I couldn't believe I was thinking that - I had never been much of a believer in love at first sight, but the surge of feelings I had for this little boy was unmistakable and overwhelming. I couldn't believe how much I loved him - after all, I had met him only a few hours ago, yet here I was with him in my arms. We hardly knew each other, but fate had brought us together, and already I was holding him as if I were his father. There was no getting around it - I loved him. And yes, I mean love. Genuine love. Not lust, not pity, not infatuation, and not just compassion (although I felt that, too), but love. Love such as I had not felt for another human being since my wife died. I wondered how he felt. Maybe, in time, after he knew me better.......

I stood up, picking him up off the floor, still amazed at how light he was, and we stayed in each other's arms a little longer, then I gently put him back into bed, covered him up, and tucked him in like I used to do with my own adopted sons, and still do occasionally with my granddaughters. He looked at me with the most beautiful clear, deep blue eyes in the universe, and said, "Thanks, Sir." I gave him an affectionate kiss on the forehead and said, "You're welcome, Little Buddy. Try to get some sleep now, but if you need me, I am in my bedroom just on the other side of the dining room."

I turned to leave, but just when I reached the door, I heard him call my name, so I turned around.

"Mike, would you please let me sleep with you tonight? I know I am imposing, and I'll understand if you say 'no,' but I love you, and I want to be close to you tonight." 

Could this be happening? Did this marvelously beautiful little boy just tell me he loved me? After I had just realized how much I loved him? His voice was obviously tired, which was understandable, and there was still a little unsteadiness in it because of his frightening nightmare, but it also had the most earnest, pleading, sincere quality to it. It sounded as if he wanted so much for me to grant his request, but he was already resigned to believing that I would not. I wondered if he realized just how much I had fallen for him.

I went back and sat down on the side of the bed. He moved over close to me and took my hands into his, still looking at me with those gorgeous blue eyes. I gently squeezed his hand and tried to be as gentle with him as I could. I know I had tears in my eyes, and I didn't know if I could tell him what I needed to, but I had to try. 

"Listen, Kerry," I began, "You say that you love me, and I appreciate that. I treasure that more than you will ever know, and I want you to know that I have very, very strong feelings for you - I have since you asked me if you could come home with me. But you have been through a lot the last few days, things that no boy your age should ever have to contend with, and I am so glad I was able to get you out of a bad situation tonight. For the first time in what I know seems to you to be a long time, you are safe and secure with nothing around to hurt you, and it is understandable that you feel a lot of gratitude toward me. I appreciate that, too, but to keep us both from being hurt, you need to be absolutely sure that you are not confusing your gratitude with love. I guess what I am trying to say is this: Be very careful how you use that word 'love.' When you can say it and mean it, 'I love you' is the most beautiful thing you can say to another person, but if you don't mean it, if you have any reservations about it, if you have any ulterior motives in saying it, or if you are confusing love with gratitude or any other emotion, then nothing you could say would be quite as cruel. Do you understand?"

Kerry nodded. "I understand, and I'll say it again - I love you. I do feel grateful to you for helping me tonight, but I am old enough to know love when I feel it, and I have never felt love as strongly as I do for you now. Ever."

I could never explain to anyone how I felt at that moment. My head was reeling, and my heart was pounding in my chest like it never had before. This couldn't have just happened. Mary, are you behind this? It took me a few minutes to get control of myself, but I was finally able to speak. "Well, I guess I have to admit it, too - I love you very much, Kerry," I said. He raised his arms to me, and I bent down to give him a hug and a kiss on the cheek. He smiled and made the most contented little sigh.

"But you still need to understand something. As for your sleeping with me, you need to understand that most people in this world cannot or will not, or in any case do not, understand the feelings that can exist between a man my age and a boy your age who are not close family members. And since they do not understand them, they will not tolerate the feelings, nor the people who have them. Also, there are a lot of up - tight people who would say that if a man ever shows any affection of any kind to a boy, there must be something untoward going on between them. They would claim that no man is capable of loving a boy, except his son, in any semblance of a fatherly way - there would have to be some sexual relationship involved. As a result, there are very strict laws in this country that essentially say it is illegal for you to spend the night in my bed with me. Some would say it is illegal for you to even be in this house now." He looked crestfallen, and I realized he was almost ready to cry again. I didn't want to disappoint him, but he had to understand. I spoke again, as gently as I could.

"I appreciate how you are feeling, Kerry, and as I said, I love you, too, very much. But if you and I were to sleep together and word were to get out, those same people would never believe that we really do love each other. They would say that I molested you or raped you, or at least planned to later on, and they would never believe that we slept together just to be close to each other. It would be better for all concerned if they would just mind their own business unless they had some kind of proof of inappropriate behavior, but some people, if they had nothing to gossip about, would literally die of constipation."

"Now, Kerry, I want you to listen carefully to what I am about to say. I am not going to say no to you," - I noticed him starting to smile - "because to be honest, I love you very much, and I would very much like to be close to you, too, but I don't want you to be hurt in any way. You need to be absolutely sure about what your feelings are so that you won't get hurt. However, if you are sure that you still want to sleep with me, then you need to understand not only that this MUST be kept strictly between the two of us, but you also need to be absolutely sure that you CAN keep it just between us, and no one else. The fact that we slept together must never be mentioned to anyone else, no matter what. Unless you are positive you can do that, it would be better if we did not sleep together - tonight or any other night. We can still love each other, and we can still be as affectionate with each other as you feel comfortable in being during the day, but we just wouldn't sleep together."

"Don't worry, Sir. I'm sure I want to sleep with you, and I can keep a secret." 

"Kerry, please understand. I am not asking you to keep anything secret if it is uncomfortable for you. If anyone ever does, or tries to do, anything with you that you think is wrong, or anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, then you need to tell someone. And as a general rule, if anyone ever tells you not to tell about something, you can pretty much be certain that what they are trying to get you to do is wrong. That's not what I am telling you now. I just want you to understand that if you were to tell anyone that we slept together, even if you made it very clear that we didn't do anything else with each other, they may tell other people, the part about us not doing anything else would disappear along the way, and a lot of people could very easily get the wrong idea. If that happened, it would be bad for both of us. I would in all probability have to go to jail. Even if by some miracle I could stay out of jail, whatever reputation I have would be gone. Can you imagine what the parishioners of my church would say? I don't even want to think about what my children and their families would say. You wouldn't go to jail, but it wouldn't be pleasant for you either."

"I understand, Sir. I wouldn't ever tell anyone anything that would get you into trouble. Believe me, I understand exactly what you are saying. Right now, I love you so much, I just want to be close to you - I am too tired to do anything else but sleep. Could you please carry me to your bed? No one ever did that for me before." 

For the second time tonight, for the second time in many years, my heart melted.

"OK, Kerry, come on. But just remember what I told you, okay?"

"OK."

He held his arms out to me, and I picked him up and started toward my bedroom, turning off the hall light on the way. Kerry wrapped his arms around my neck, and his legs around my waist. He nuzzled his face into my neck and whispered, "I love you, Mike" into my ear.

"I think I love you more, Kerry."

I carried him to my bedroom, turned on the lamp, put him under the covers of my bed and slipped under the covers with him. I felt his right arm reach under my neck and his left one drape over my right shoulder. He laid his head against my left shoulder and drew his left knee up and rested it over my leg. I slipped my left arm under his shoulder and put my hand against the small of his back, holding him close to me. Kerry snuggled up as close as he could to me, and made the most contented little sigh I had ever heard. He was asleep in seconds, and again I felt his warm, soft breath against my neck. I don't think he heard me when I said again, "I love you, Kerry," but I like to think that somewhere deep in his being, he felt it and he knew. I turned off the lamp, and sleep came surprisingly quickly. When I awoke the next morning, Kerry was still asleep, in the exact same position.