You Pass This Way But Once

By Monday, I had talked Seth into going back to school with me.  It wasn’t easy, but I explained that with his parents out of town, half of his problems were already solved.  As far as the other half were concerned, I told him we’d face those together.  I think he eventually agreed to do this more for me, than for himself, because he was worried I’d get kicked out of school if I missed many more days.  After escorting Seth to his homeroom, I went to the office, so I could speak with the principal next. 

After explaining the situation to him, I asked for his help.  I told him that I needed to make sure Seth had a hassle free week at school, but I was also hoping he might be able to convince the school psychologist to schedule some time to speak with Seth.  I felt the psychologist might be able to help Seth work through some of his issues and make his return to school less stressful.  The principal was very cooperative and agreed to do this for me, so I thanked him for his help and left.

I then made a brief stop at my homeroom next, so I wouldn’t be reported absent again, before I went to my first period class.  I kept a very close eye on Seth throughout the entire day and was surprised to see he seemed to be doing fine.  I’d been more than a little worried that once he saw some of the other students then a few of the less pleasant memories might resurface and cause him to sink back into depression or possibly even worse.  To my amazement, however, he appeared to be doing quite well and was even smiling when we met up later, so we could walk home together.   He was in a decent mood for the rest of the day and even carried on a normal conversation with my parents at dinner, which left us all very surprised and impressed. 

Even though he seemed to be doing well, I was still hoping to convince him to change schools with me, so we could start over.  I felt he’d do even better in a new setting, but we were still going to have to deal with his father first, once he got back from his trip.  To tell you the truth, I wasn’t even sure he’d speak with us, let alone agree to this, but I knew we had to try. 

That night when we went to bed, I decided to take advantage of Seth’s sudden change in attitude.  As soon as we had both undressed and were in bed, I made my move.  I began to kiss Seth and show him how I felt about him.  We hadn’t had sex with each other in quite some time, so I passionately let my lips cover his and rubbed my tongue over and around his sweet, ruby lips.  He parted them slightly and permitted my tongue to push its way past and enter his mouth, so for the first time in what seemed as if it had been forever, I was sucking up Seth’s unique flavor again. 

I was letting my tongue brush and dart over Seth’s oral muscle, when he began to take an active part in this activity.  I think he had missed doing this as much as I had, so we kissed for a while longer and then I moved down to his chest and started to nurse on those tiny pink nubs that I loved to suck on.  I worked on first one and then the other, as I bathed each of them in my saliva, but I also nipped at the erect little nubs and then began sucking on them as if it was the most important thing in my life.  When I was satisfied with my effort, I moved on.

Slowly, I slid lower on his torso and focused on the piece de resistance.  I rubbed my hand over and around his slender shaft and tight scrotum, as they rested under the thin cotton material of his briefs.  I enjoyed the feel of his boyhood and was aware of how aroused I was making him, so I slid my fingers under the elastic waistband of his jockeys and gently pulled them over his erection and down his legs.  I then lowered my head down to his groin and let my tongue dart out to lick and clean his firm piece of boy meat. 

I hungrily slurped up the clear pre-cum from his pulsing slit and rolled it around inside my mouth, as I enjoyed its sweet clean taste.  After a few seconds, I moved between his legs and began to work on his ball sac, as I used my tongue to examine every millimeter of his hairless bag.  Having done that for a brief time, I took his testicles between my lips and sucked on them tenderly, as if I was trying to extract the yoke out of an egg by using my mouth.  At this point, Seth was beginning to moan and squirm around on the bed, so I increased my efforts on his family jewels. 

When I moved back up to his rod, I licked my way up the shaft and slid my mouth over and down his stiffy.  I moved my head up and down on his pole, as I let my tongue slide against the sensitive skin, while I applied suction with the rest of my mouth.  I used my free hand to knead his nut sac and stimulate the nerve endings in that area, as my fingers glided around the loose skin and watery nuggets. 

Seth tasted as good as I remembered, as I worked on him with all of the skill I possessed.  It wasn’t long before I felt his penis expand between my lips, just before the warm, thick liquid his body produced gushed down my throat.  I continued to suck on him until the last drop of his juice had been teased from his slit and then I let his penis drop from my mouth.  As soon as I did that, I moved up the bed until our heads were even with each other and then I started to kiss him once more, before I pulled him into my arms, held him tightly and we drifted off to sleep.  I remember hearing Seth whisper something to me just before I completely lost consciousness and it sounded as if he said, “Thanks, Logan.  I needed that.”

Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday went well at school too and Seth didn’t suffer from any negative episodes.  We were both in very good moods by the time we got back to my house Thursday afternoon when my mom handed Seth a letter he had received in the mail.  It was addressed to him, but with our house number and street listed on the envelope, and we couldn’t immediately tell who had sent it, because there was no return address.  It was postmarked from Miami, Florida, but Seth said he didn’t know anyone from there.  Confused, he took the letter up to my room so he could read it in private. 

When he didn’t come back down for a long time, I went up to find him.  He was lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling again, but his face was streaked with the tears he had shed since he’d been there.  When I asked what was wrong, he wouldn’t answer.  I had no idea what might have been contained in the letter and had set him off, but I knew I’d have to try and find out, if I hoped to help him.  

Seth was very withdrawn for the rest of the evening, and except for dinner, he spent most of the night alone in my room.  When I went to bed later, Seth was still awake and I could tell he’d been crying again.  I tried to be affectionate, so I could distract him from whatever the problem was, but he pushed me away and let me know he wasn’t interested.  I decided not to give up though and attempted to get him to talk the problem out.

“What’s up, Seth?  Who was that letter from?” I asked, but he didn’t answer.  “Come on, Seth.  Let me help you.  I know it was the letter that got you feeling so badly again, so who was it from and what did it say?”

He looked at me for several seconds and studied my face.  I could tell by the expression on his face that he was annoyed by my persistence, but eventually he spoke. 

“Look, Logan.  I know you want to help, but there’s nothing you can do for me any more,” he replied, coldly.  “There’s nothing anyone can do for me.”

“What do you mean?  There’s always something that can be done,” I pleaded.  “Who was the letter from?”

He looked at me again, but this time the tears were cascading from his eyes.  Before long, his chest started to heave, as the sobbing increased.  Then, he lost it completely and let his head come to rest against my chest.

“Why can’t he just love me, Logan?  Is that too much to ask?” he sobbed.  “Why does he have to keep reminding me what a disappointment I am to him and how queers are so repugnant?  Logan, I can’t take any more of this.  I can’t deal with the fact that I’m gay and that nearly everyone hates gays.  I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I can’t stand feeling this way or hurting this much.  I hate my life and I hate me.  I want out of here.  I just can’t take it any more.”

“Seth, calm down and relax,” I urged.  “Just lie here with me and put those thoughts out of your mind.  Forget about your dad and all of the bad things.   Just go to sleep and things will look better in the morning.” 

After saying this, I put my arms around Seth and held him tight.  That explained where the letter had come from, but I just wished his dad would back off and leave this poor kid alone for a while.  Seth needed time to heal, so he could get over these feelings, but the one thing he didn’t need were the constant reminders from his father about how disappointed and intolerant he was. 

I held Seth in my arms and watched his face, as he continued to lie there beside me.  I was hoping he would fall asleep before I did, but I’m not sure if that happened.  I don’t remember dozing off, but I can’t remember Seth falling to sleep either.  The next thing I knew, it was morning and I was alone in my bed.  As soon as I realized this, I jumped out from under the covers, threw on some clothes and went downstairs to look for Seth.  My mother and father were there, but Seth was nowhere around.  Frantically I asked my parents if they had seen him at all and they said they had not.  They also told me they’d only been up for about a half hour, so Seth must have gotten up before then.

“We’ve got to find him,” I pleaded.  “He was really upset last night and it was all because of that damn letter.  It was from his father and I’m scared.  I think he might try to do something to himself, so we’ve got to find him fast.”

“Where do you think he might have gone?” my dad asked, and I could see he was now as concerned as I was. 

“I don’t know, but I think we should check his house first, especially since his father made such a big deal about him not going there,” I suggested. 

“Ok, I’ll drive you over to his place then, so head out to the car.  I’ll grab my keys and meet you there,” my father ordered. 

I raced out to the driveway and stood beside the passenger door of my dad’s car.  He joined me a few seconds later and we took off down the street.  Within minutes, we were pulling up in front of Seth’s house, but there was no immediate sign of him.  We checked the front door, but it was locked and the house was dark.  My dad started peering through the windows, to see if he could spot him inside, so I ran around the rear of the house to check the back door.  That’s when I saw the broken window in the door, which stood slightly ajar.  I started to go inside, when I realized I could hear a car running in the garage.  The house was on a corner lot, with the house facing one street and the garage behind it, facing the other street. 

Putting all of the clues together, I raced to the garage and tried to open the overhead door.  It was down and locked, so I wasn’t able to open it.  I then ran to the side of the garage and looked through the window.  I could see the car and the haze from the exhaust fumes, but nothing else.  Scared out of my wits, I flew back to the rear corner of the building, where I knew there was a small door.  It was locked too, so I punched out a pane of glass in the door window and reached through the opening, so I could let myself in. 

I started choking on the exhaust the minute I went inside, but I continued moving toward the front of the building, so I could open the large, overhead door and let the exhaust out.  Once I managed to do that, I stepped outside, breathed in some fresh air and then watched as the exhaust slowly started to clear.  As soon as I could see the area inside the garage better, I rushed over to the car, opened the driver’s door and saw Seth slumped across the seat.  I hurriedly shut off the engine, pulled Seth from the interior and dragged him out to the driveway.  I laid his limp body on the concrete and screamed for my dad.  After that, I checked for a pulse and determined if he was breathing, but when I found neither, I started CPR.

As I was taking a breath, I saw my father come running around the corner, so I screamed for him to grab his cell phone and call 911.  While he was doing that, I was trying to remember my Boy Scout CPR training, as I worked on Seth.  I arched his neck, cleared his airway and blew two quick breaths into his lungs.  Then, I did 15 compressions on his chest, checked for a pulse again and then repeated the procedure, two breaths and 15 compressions. 

I continued doing this, but I also concentrated on my counting and maintaining proper form.  After my dad had talked to the dispatcher briefly, he moved the phone away from his ear briefly and told me an ambulance was on the way.  I nodded my head to let him know I understood and then bent forward to perform two more repetitions on Seth before we heard the sirens off in the distance.  I could tell the ambulance wasn’t very close, so I was able to complete another four repetitions of the life saving technique before the rescue squad pulled up.  As soon as the vehicle came to a stop, the EMTs jumped out and one of them rushed to my side to take over from me.  I stood up and watched as he continued to perform the emergency procedure.

As soon as the driver retrieved some equipment from their vehicle, he zapped Seth’s chest with the defibrillator paddles and soon had Seth’s heart beating again.  Once that happened, they put an oxygen mask over his face and tried to replace the carbon monoxide in his system with pure oxygen, before they loaded his body onto a stretcher and placed him in the back of their vehicle.  I wanted to ride with them, but they told me I couldn’t, so I started to argue.  That’s when my dad pulled me away and explained that we’d follow them in the car. 

Tears were streaming down my face as Dad and I ran around to the front of the house, hopped into his car and followed the ambulance to the hospital.  I was crying even harder now, once the reality of the situation began to sink in.  I immediately started praying and begged God to save Seth’s life, because I loved him and couldn’t bear the thought of going through life without him.  Suddenly, my focus shifted and my mind was consumed with thoughts of Seth’s father and how much I hated him for doing this to his son.

Before long, my dad was pulling into the parking lot for the emergency room.  As soon as the car came to a stop, the two of us went racing across the blacktop to where the rescue squad was wheeling Seth’s gurney through a sliding door.  They let us follow them back to the emergency area, but then asked us stay back, as they continued to work on my best friend.  There were numerous doctors and nurses scurrying about doing various things on his behalf, in an effort to make certain that he survived this attempt to end his own life. 

Once things began to settle down a bit, one of the nurses asked my dad if he was Seth’s father.  He explained he wasn’t, but that Seth’s parents were currently out of town on a trip.  He also told them Seth and I were best friends and Seth had been staying with us.  When the nurse asked what had happened, my dad told her that Seth had disappeared this morning, so we went over to his house to see if he was there and that’s when we found him.  I don’t think she was quite certain what to do next, but then she reluctantly told us we could continue to wait there, as long as we didn’t interfere. 

Even from this distance, I could see they had inserted IVs into his veins, placed an oxygen mask over his face and arranged a couple of monitors beside him, with wires running from them to sensors attached to his chest and head.  They were also rapidly drawing blood samples, so they could check the chemical levels in his system.  We watched as they moved around the room and performed their duties, but it all began to appear to me as if this scene was taking place in slow motion.  I was sobbing heavily now, so my father pulled me against his chest and did his best to comfort me. 

A nurse approached us a few minutes later and advised me that I should let her treat my arm.  When I looked down, I discovered I must have sliced it open when I broke the window to get into the garage, because there was a fairly lengthy vertical gash on my forearm and blood was oozing from it.  After she stopped the bleeding and applied some antiseptic to the wound, she got a doctor to suture it.  It took sixteen stitches to close the wound, and as soon as they finished with me, I went back to see how Seth was doing.  We stood there for what seemed like an eternity before we heard them announce they were going to move him out of the emergency area and into a room in the critical care unit.

We followed the nurses as they wheeled Seth down the corridor and toward the elevator.  We then were taken up to the next floor, before the elevator doors opened and they pushed the gurney into the corridor, down the hallway and into a room.  We were asked to wait outside and give them time to get Seth situated, which took nearly another twenty minutes, and then we were allowed in to see him.  Seth was lying motionless on the bed, with tubes running out of both arms, a thicker one in his mouth and machines and sensors attached to his body.  He looked absolutely terrible. 

Once the nurses left, I noticed a bag attached to the side of his bed and saw a tube running from it.  Curious as to what it was for, I lifted the sheet and followed the tube to see where it led.  That’s when I learned it was hooked into the tip of Seth’s penis and was there to collect urine.  After I lowered the sheet again, I looked at Seth’s face and became aware that his skin appeared grayish in color, and when I placed my hand on his arm, his flesh was cool to the touch.  Although this concerned me, the monitors reassured me that he was breathing and his heart was beating, but he didn’t show any other signs of life.  I bent over the side of his bed and kissed him on the forehead, as my dad placed his hand on my shoulder to let me know he was still there for me.

After being in the room for a while longer, I told my dad he could go home and I’d stay with Seth.  My father wasn’t sure he should leave me alone just yet, but I told him I needed some time with Seth, so I could tell him what was on my mind.  While we were discussing the situation, Seth’s doctor came in to check on him again.  After he completed a quick examination, he informed us about Seth’s condition.  I guess since we’d been allowed this far, everyone was assuming we were related. 

“He’s alive, but I can’t guarantee how this will turn out” he told us.  “It’s possible that he might have suffered a certain amount of brain damage from prolonged exposure to carbon monoxide, although the extent of such damage will be difficult to assess until he has regained consciousness.  It is also possible that there may be some other residual effects from this incident, but we won’t be able to make that assessment for some time either.  All I can tell you for certain is that he would have been dead by now, if you hadn’t discovered him and performed CPR when you did.  If he lives, he has you to thank for saving his life.  I’ll make my rounds again in a couple of hours and at that time I should be able to inform you if we’ve learned anything more.”

We thanked the doctor as he left, and then my dad turned to me and spoke. 

“He’s right.  You saved Seth’s life earlier,” he confirmed.  “I’m not certain I would have been able to recall my training and do what you did for him.  I’ve also decided that I’m going to grant your request and leave the two of you alone, so I can go home and fill your mother in about what happened, but then I’ll have to get ready to go into work.  I called the office already and told them I’d be late, but I have to show up, at least for part of the day.”  He then handed me a twenty-dollar bill and a handful of change.  “This is for you to use to get anything you might need while you’re here and I want you to call me at home or my office if the situation changes or you need me for any other reason.  I’ll stop back later to pick you up.”

I hugged my dad goodbye and then he left me to hold vigil beside Seth’s bed.  I just sat there and stared at my soulmate, while composing what I wanted to say to him in my mind.  It took me several minutes before I felt I was ready to begin and then I bent my head close to Seth’s ear and started to speak.

“Seth, it’s me, Logan,” I began.  “I think I know why you did this, but I don’t agree with your solution to the problem.  I need to tell you things now, while I’ve got the chance.  I love you, Seth, and I need you in my life.  You can’t leave me like this.  You’re a part of me now and you’re also a big part of my life.  If you die, then a part of me will die with you.  I can’t afford to lose you, Seth.  I need your love and I need to feel you beside me.  I don’t know if I’ll be able to continue living if you’re not here with me.

“I told you we’d get through this together, so why didn’t you believe me?” I continued.  “Why didn’t you trust me and let me help you?  Why wouldn’t you let my family take care of you?  I know how you feel about your father right now, but you can’t let the bastard win.  If you die, only you and I and the rest of your friends will lose out, not your father.  He may feel guilty for nudging you to this extreme, but you will be the big loser here.  I love you, Seth, more today than yesterday and tomorrow I’ll love you even more than that.  You’ve got to keep fighting.  You’ve got to start wanting to live again.  You’ve got to focus on the good things in life and not be distracted by the bad.  You’ve got to concentrate on the people who really love you and ignore the scum that try to hurt us.  Don’t leave me Seth.  I couldn’t handle that at all.”

I stopped there, because I didn’t know what else to say.  We’d covered this ground several times before, but Seth obviously hadn’t absorbed the message then, so I needed a new approach.  I had to come up with another way to make my point, but I had difficulty thinking of something different to say or another way to say it.  From that moment on, I fought with myself over every idea that popped into my mind, as I tried to refine and polish each idea, until I finally gave up and discarded them all.  I was stumped, short on potential solutions and frustrated.  Resigned to my ineffectiveness, I bent over his head, closed my eyes and started to pray.

“Dear God,” I began, “I know that I’m not a regular caller on your prayer-line, but I need your help.  My best friend and lover is lying here next to me and I need you to make him better.  He’s a great guy, an even better friend and his only fault is that, like me, he’s gay.  There are a bunch of bigots down here that won’t accept us and don’t believe you would ever accept a gay person into heaven.  It was people like them that drove me away from you in the first place, because I didn’t agree with what they were saying, but at the same time I was afraid they might be right. 

“I’m sorry that I gave up on praying, but it was only because I wasn’t sure you’d listen to me any longer, once you knew I was gay,” I continued.  “I no longer believe that you think I’m a bad person simply because I’m gay either.  The God I learned about in church was a loving God.  He was a God who told me ‘to love others as myself’ and to ‘do for others what I wanted them to do for me.’  I can’t believe that a loving God would turn his back on his creatures and send them to hell just because they loved someone from the same sex, especially if they’re decent and god-fearing people otherwise.

“Seth is one of these people,” I added.  “He’s a loving and caring person and a decent human being.  He was even willing to give up his own life, rather than to bring pain to others.  He couldn’t live with the guilt that he was feeling for causing his father pain and anguish over his sexual identity.  He knew that he couldn’t change the fact that he was gay, so he was willing to take his own life instead, rather than be a constant irritant to his dad.  I’m not as generous as he is and I’ll admit that I’m selfish, because I need Seth in my life.  I can’t imagine living without him, so I need your help, God.  I need you to make him well again, without any lasting problems from what happened.  Please, God, if you ever do anything for me at all, please do this.  Please give me back my lover and my best friend, because if you do this, then I’ll never ask you for anything else again and I’ll pray to you every night.”

I couldn’t think of anything more to say, but I also wasn’t sure if I’d be able to continue anyway, even if I did think of something else.  After I added my ‘Amen,’ I reached out and stroked Seth’s hair, before I bent over his bed and kissed him on the cheek.  I also squeezed his hand and whispered once more in his ear. 

“Please come back to me Seth.  Don’t you dare ever leave me,” I pleaded

My dad came back after work and sat with me for a while, but as it started to get late, he asked me to go home with him.  I quickly advised him I didn’t want to go anywhere until Seth had regained consciousness and I wasn’t about to leave Seth’s side until he could tell me he was all right and he would never do anything like this again.  Reluctantly, my dad relented and went down to the cafeteria to get me something to eat.  He brought the food back to Seth’s room, so I could eat it there.  Before he went home, however, he made sure I ate everything first and then told me he’d bring me a change of clothes in the morning.  After he said that, I hugged him goodbye and then sat down next to Seth again, as I took his hand between the two of mine.

I don’t know how long I had been sitting there before I noticed movement in the doorway.  When I looked up, I spotted Robbie standing there and saw he had a sad expression on his face and tears were flowing down his cheeks.  I stood up and reached my arms out toward him and this prompted Robbie to run over to me, so he could wrap his arms around my chest.

“I just found out.  It was on the news, and even though they didn’t say his name, they mentioned his address,” he wheezed in between sobs.  “What happened, Logan?  Is it true that Seth tried to kill himself?”

“Yes, Robbie, I’m afraid it is,” I confirmed.  “He got a letter from his father and I guess he just couldn’t live with what it said.  I never read it, but I knew it hurt him deeply.  I didn’t think he’d ever do something like this or I would never have gone to sleep.  Oh, Robbie, I’m so scared.  I can’t lose him.  I don’t know if I can live without him.” 

I started crying at that point too and Robbie hugged me tighter.

“He’s going to be ok, Logan.  I just know it,” he said, in an effort to make me feel better.  “Don’t worry, he’ll be fine.” 

He paused for a moment, to give me some time to regain my composure and then he looked me in the eye, before he spoke again. 

“Is it true what they’re saying?” he wondered.  “The news reporter said another young man performed CRP and saved his life.  Was that you?”

“Yes, I did it until the ambulance got there and later the doctor told me Seth would have died without that,” I confirmed.  “I don’t really remember doing it, but my dad said he saw me working on him.  All I can remember is how he looked, because his heart wasn’t beating and he wasn’t breathing.  I wasn’t about to let him die, so I guess I must have started doing CPR.  I’m not even sure if I was doing it correctly.  I just knew I had to do something to keep him alive.”

“Well, after I heard that, I found out a bunch of people are calling you a hero and I agree with them,” he added.  “I know Seth will agree with me too, just as soon as he’s awake again.”

Robbie stayed with me for a while longer and we talked about Seth and all of the problems that led up to this incident.  No matter how big the other problems were, I think we would have survived this rough period in our lives if his father had been willing to accept him for who he is.  No matter what happens, I will always blame his dad for pushing him to the brink and then over it. 

Robbie stayed with me until his father made him go home.  I continued to sit with Seth until I fell asleep in the chair.  I didn’t dream that night, but I didn’t have a restful slumber either.  I merely passed out in the chair, totally exhausted from the long day that I’d just been through and the emotional stress I’d been under.  When I awoke, it was Saturday morning and my mother and father were standing on the other side of Seth’s bed waiting for me to wake up.