You Pass This Way But Once

The next day at school was a lot better for me, since I was no longer worried about Seth, but I still didn’t let anything rile me.  I stopped by to see the coach before the end of the day and told him that Seth and I were through with football for the season.  He said he was sorry to hear it, but he understood.  He told me that he hoped we would decide to come out again next year and see if things had improved.  I thanked him for his kindness and understanding throughout our problems and told him that if we were still going to this school next year, then we might decide to try out again.

Later that evening, I called Robbie to ask if he wanted to join us when we went to pick up Seth.

“Robbie, it’s Logan.  My dad is going to drive me up to Timmy’s house on Saturday and I wondered if you wanted to go with us.”

There was an extended silence on the other end of the line, before he finally responded. 

“Well I have football practice on Saturday,” he replied, somewhat meekly. 

“I know, but we won’t be leaving until around noon,” I explained.  “You should be done with football by then, so what do you say?”

“Logan, I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but I’m not sure I want to be seen with you or Seth right now,” he confessed, and my heart sank into my stomach.  “I love you both and I’d love to see Timmy again, but I wouldn’t be able to put up with the same types of things that are happening to the two of you.  I feel like a rat, but I’m just not that strong.”

“Believe me Robbie, you’re not a rat and I do understand,” I told him, sincerely.  “What if we were able to hide you in the back seat until we got out of town?  Would that help to change your mind?”

There was another brief silence, before I heard his voice again. 

“Yeah, I think it would,” he agreed.  “Do you really think you could hide me like that?”

“Yes, that will be the easy part,” I agreed.  “Where would you like us to meet you when we pick you up?  Do you want us to come by your house or do you have somewhere else in mind where we can hook up?”

“Yes, there is someplace else where we can do this,” he agreed.  “I have an uncle who lives a couple of blocks from the school, on the way out of town, toward where Timmy lives.  I’ll talk to my parents to see if I can go and then I’ll call my uncle to make sure it’s all right for me to meet you over there, but I’m sure it will be.  I’ll call you back and let you know for sure, Logan, and thanks for caring and understanding.  I don’t think I would have been so thoughtful, if I had been if your position.”

“Robbie, you’re our friend and we love you,” I told him.  “If anyone understands your fears and concerns, it would be us.  I can’t fault you for thinking the way you did, because we might have done the same thing.  I’ll fill you in on Saturday about why we’re going to Timmy’s, so I’ll see you then.  Bye.”

I was happy to know that Robbie was going to go with us.  Due to all of the problems Seth and I had been having, we hadn’t spent any time with Robbie since we’d returned from camp.  It will be nice to have him along and I’m certain Timmy will be glad to see him too.  I was still concerned about Seth, however, and wanted to talk to my parents again to see if we could find an acceptable way to help him out of this dilemma.  I believe it’s imperative that Seth and I change high schools now, but we won’t be able to do that without the approval of Seth’s parents.  Unfortunately, I didn’t see any way that might happen.

When Saturday came, we went over to pick Robbie up at his uncle’s house.  Dad backed into the driveway and I reached behind my seat and opened the rear door.  Robbie came out through the garage, jumped into the backseat and crouched down on the floor.  I’d placed a blanket in the back before we left our house, so I threw it over Robbie now, in order to keep him hidden.  I was beginning to feel as if we were starring in some old B-movie where we were transporting a mob stoolpigeon out of town.  All of this cloak and dagger activity might have been funny, if it wasn’t for the reality of why we were being forced to do it.

Once we were out of town Robbie, resurfaced and I told him about Seth and all that had happened.  Robbie had heard about some of it, but he didn’t realize that Seth’s father had also turned on him.  Robbie said that he had been thinking about telling his own parents, but now he was going to reconsider that decision.  He never thought a parent might turn on his child like that, so he wondered how Seth’s father could love his son and then treat him this way.  Why would parents even have children then, if they weren’t prepared to accept them for who and what they were?  I guess some parents must have only been thinking about the pleasures of having sex when they conceived and never considered the responsibilities of parenting.

When we arrived at Timmy’s house, he rushed out to greet us. He said hello to Robbie and my dad, but then he pulled me aside to talk. 

“Logan, Seth won’t let me do anything for him!” he exclaimed.  “He’s been acting really strange and staying far away from the rest of us.  He’s been alone in the guest room almost the entire time since I talked to you on the phone.”

“He probably just needed some time alone to think about things,” I suggested.

“Yeah, but I’m afraid to consider what he might be thinking about,” Timmy countered.  “He wasn’t acting that strangely when he first arrived, at least we didn’t think so.  He was upset and agitated, but we thought it was due to all of the things he’d been through.  Then, he started talking about his father hating him now and how he couldn’t go back to school, but he kept talking about those things more and more and I couldn’t distract him.  I tried to get close to him and show him some love and affection, but he pushed me away and told me no one needed his form of perverted love.  He’s beginning to scare me, Logan, so I’m glad you’re here.”

“Why don’t I go up to the guest room and see what I can do then?” I offered. 

I followed Timmy into the house, said hello to his parents and then excused myself, so I could go up to see Seth.  He was lying on his stomach in the middle of the bed, with his head buried in a pillow.  I walked over and sat on the bed beside him, but he didn’t move, so I started stroking his back as I spoke to him. 

“Hey, are you ready to go back to my place?” I asked, but he didn’t answer.

“Seth, what’s wrong?” I pressed.  “I’m here for you, man, so please talk to me.”  He still didn’t move or say anything.  “Seth, look at my face.  It’s me, Logan.  Tell me what’s wrong.  I want to help you.”

There was a slight movement on the bed, as he rolled his head to look in my direction.  I couldn’t believe the sad look that was etched upon his face.  I had never seen Seth seem so lost or forlorn before. 

“What’s wrong with me, Logan?” he almost whispered.  “Why does everyone hate me so?  The kids at school, my own father and even strangers hate me.  What the hell is wrong with me?”

“It’s not you Seth, it’s them,” I offered, in an effort to make him understand.  “Some people hate things they don’t understand and many people aren’t able to understand homosexuality.  It’s not you personally; it’s just that they hate people who are like you, Seth.  That includes all gay people, like Timmy, Robbie and me too.  They just can’t comprehend why we are the way we are.  Hell, we don’t even understand why we’re like this.  We’ve only just begun to learn how to accept it, but nobody knows for sure what makes people gay. 

“Most people want to believe it’s a choice,” I continued, “but I don’t buy that explanation.  I didn’t make any choice to be gay and neither did you, Robbie or Timmy.  We’ve just always known we were different and we’ve tried to keep that fact hidden, at least until we found others like us, others we could trust and share our secret with.  I’m convinced we were born this way and there’s nothing we can do to change it.  Seth, there’s nothing wrong with you or me.  We’re just different.  We have to accept that fact and other people are going to have to learn to accept it too.”

Seth looked at me, his eyes sad and pleading.  He reminded me of a sad, little puppy and I almost started to cry. 

“Logan, I’m not as brave as you are,” he stated.  “You have your parents to support you, and Timmy and Robbie do to.  I have no one.  I’m all alone and I can’t take any more of this.”

“Seth, you’re not alone,” I challenged.  “You have me.  You have my parents.  You have Timmy and Robbie and their parents too.  You’re not alone.  You have a lot of people who love you and we will all be here for you whenever you need us.  I want you to stop thinking about this nonsense that you’re alone, because you’re not.  Why don’t you come downstairs with me and meet some of the people who care so much about you.  There is a whole group of them waiting to see you, so they can show you how important you are to them.  Why don’t you come with me and say hello to your true friends.”

Seth rolled over, so I grasped his hand and pulled him up from the bed.  I didn’t stop there though.  I continued to pull him toward me and gave him a huge hug, before I leaned back and planted a kiss on his lips.  Seth didn’t reciprocate, but I did feel his body relax slightly. 

“I love you Seth and I’ll always be here for you,” I promised.  “You’re my lover and best friend.  I don’t want you to ever forget that.” 

I hugged him once more, but this time more tightly than I had done the first time, because I wanted him to feel the strength of the love I was trying to infuse into him.  I wanted Seth to realize that he wasn’t alone, but not just by hearing the words.  I wanted him to feel the love too. 

After a few minutes, I led him downstairs, so he could meet his adoring public.  He still wasn’t ready to release his emotions when we first arrived in the dining room and remained fairly restrained, as well as totally withdrawn and hurt – deeply hurt.  These were the kind of wounds that will take a long time to heal, but there were also scars we couldn’t see that only hate and abandonment can leave on the soul.  Seth had already endured more than his share of those, so now I wanted him to feel the love and warmth that currently filled the room.  Maybe this was what he needed to thaw his heart out of the deep despair that consumed his body and his spirit.  After spending some time with Timmy’s parents and my dad, the four of us, meaning Timmy, Robbie, Seth and I, left the house, so we could take a walk around the neighborhood and talk.

Timmy, Robbie and I verbalized our thoughts and fears to Seth, as we filled him in on our deepest secrets, because we wanted him to know he wasn’t alone.  We each expressed how difficult it was to be gay and that we wished things were different, before we played a little ‘Wouldn’t it be Loverly’ sort of scenario.  I’m not sure why this flashed into my mind, but the idea came from the Eliza Doolittle song from ‘My Fair Lady.’  Damn, is thinking of a musical number at a time like this gay or what?  Anyway, this is what we came up with. 

Wouldn’t it be loverly if we could love our boyfriends out in the open?  Wouldn’t we all be happier if we could hold hands, kiss and date whom we wanted without the fear of public humiliation or assault?  Wouldn’t it be fantastic if we could go to the movies and watch films that depicted same-sex couples falling in love and enjoying their lives together?  Wouldn’t it be incredible if we didn’t have to watch out for bigots who couldn’t tolerate people who were different from them?  Wouldn’t it be wonderful to be able to watch these couples grow old together, while leading happy, fulfilled lives where they didn’t have to hide their love or feel ashamed of what they did or who they were?  Ah, if only that were true, then it would indeed be ‘Loverly.’  It might also be ‘A Wonderful Life,’ just not quite the Jimmy Stuart version.

Before we made this trip, my father had bought an inexpensive, pre-paid cell phone for Seth, so he could use it to contact us.  I now took it out of my pocket, handed it to him and made him call his mother, before we returned to Timmy’s house.  I told him to just let her know that he was not in town, but that he was well.  By using this phone, it would be difficult for anyone to trace the call and wouldn’t connect back to anyone in particular.  They might be able to track the call as coming from cell towers in the area, near Timmy’s parents’ house, but by then Seth would be long gone, because we were taking him back to stay with us.  Seth seemed pleased to be able to speak with his mother again and I’m sure she felt better knowing he was all right too.

Seth was feeling a little better by the time we arrived back at Timmy’s house, but I knew he still had many demons to exorcise first, before he’d be back to normal.  One little walk around the block and a brief talk with his mother wasn’t enough to cure the weeks, months and years of hurt and insecurity that he’d kept pent up.  He was like a pressure cooker under which someone had turned up the fire, but we had only relieved enough of the pressure so he didn’t explode.  The fire was still burning and the pressure would continue to mount, so we’d have to vent some more of that pressure from time to time, in order to insure his mental stability.  If we failed to do our jobs or if the heat was turned up any more, then Seth could reach a point where it would be next to impossible to bring him back from the despair that would swallow him up. 

Although I didn’t want to consider this possibility, I knew I had to keep the thought in the back of my mind.  It was imperative that I, along with the others, continue our vigilance concerning Seth’s well-being or the situation could deteriorate faster than it could be repaired.  We were at a critical juncture. 

After we said our farewells to Timmy and his parents, Robbie, Seth and I loaded into my father’s car.  I had already taken Timmy’s mom and dad aside so I could personally thank them for helping Seth through this rough time and advised them we were both eternally indebted to them.  They replied that they were glad they could help, but they also told me they looked forward to our returning under more pleasant circumstances.  After that, I thanked them once more and promised to keep in touch.  I gave Timmy a big hug too, and then I got in the back seat with Seth.  I told Robbie he could sit in front with my dad, at least until we got closer to home.

I cradled Seth against my chest during the entire ride home and stroked his hair, as I felt his warm chest heaving against mine with every pained breath he took.  I was even able to sense his body tensing up, reflexively, the nearer we got to my house.  It was dark when we arrived home, so Robbie told us we could drop him off at his doorstep, since it would be under the cover of darkness and he didn’t think anyone would notice him now.  Before he went inside, however, he opened the rear door of the car and gave Seth and I each a kiss.  This was a really big risk for him to take, but it was also something he felt he had to do.  Before he took off, I also thanked him for going with us and asked that he keep in touch.  He promised he would and then waved at us once more, just before he closed the front door to his house.

When we got to our place, my mom had been holding dinner for us, so we sat down to eat.  After dinner, I took Seth up to my room, and since he had slipped into another haze, I helped to undress him and guided him into my bed.  After I stripped down to my underwear too, I crawled into the bed beside him and wrapped my arms around him.  I then spent the entire evening with my lover pulled securely against my chest, as I sought to protect him from all of the monsters haunting his dreams. 

Until I fell asleep, I continually kissed his forehead, stroked his hair and let my hand glide lightly up and down his bare back, in an effort to comfort him.  I just wanted to let him know that I was here for him and cared deeply about him.  Eventually, we fell into a deep slumber, since we were both physically and emotionally drained from the past few days, and I awoke Sunday morning with him still wrapped tightly in my arms. 

We didn’t do much the entire day, as I let him slowly adapt to us being together again, as well as enjoying the love and support my parents were also showing him.  We did our best to let him know he was safe and loved, but Robbie and Timmy also called too, just so they could make sure that Seth was doing all right.  This seemed to make a big impact on Seth, because he started to realize it wasn’t just my family that was worried about him. 

He was slightly better that night and even gave me a kiss before we went to sleep.  He wasn’t quite ready to do anything sexual though, but he did spoon back against me that night, as I held him in my arms.  This was the closest he’d been to acting like himself since this whole damn mess began. 

When Monday morning came, I thought about going to school, but realized Seth wouldn’t be able to do that and I just couldn’t leave him alone.  Dad agreed that I should continue to stay with him, but he was also planning to speak to one of his friends in the Psychology Department at the University.  He wanted to ask his friend if he would drop by our house to meet with Seth and see if there was anything he could do to help him.  I felt better just knowing we might soon have a professional involved in getting Seth through his current crisis.

I ended up staying home with Seth for the entire week.  The psychologist came by the following evening and sat down with both of us, because he said he thought it might make Seth feel better if I was included in the session.  He felt that since much of what had happened had concerned both of us, we should do this together.  I was happy to help out and felt this would also allow me to see what Seth was experiencing and learn how he was feeling about what was going on. 

Things were going fairly well after his visit and Seth seemed to be acting more like his old self as the week progressed.  That was until Friday night, when something unexpected happened.  Seth and I were upstairs in my room when we heard the doorbell ring.  Out of curiosity, I opened my bedroom door a fraction, so I could hear who was there, and Seth was standing beside me at the time.

“What are you doing here?” I heard my father ask.

“I just dropped by to see if you or your son had heard anything from Seth,” the voice answered and we both recognized it was Seth’s father. 

We were surprised by his visit, because I couldn’t believe he had the nerve to show up here again, especially after the things my father said to him the last time.  Seth and I held our breath, as we listened to the rest of the conversation.

“No, I’m afraid not,” my father replied. 

“Well, my wife and I are leaving on a trip tomorrow and were worried he might try to enter our home while we were away,” Mr. Eldred said.  “If either of you should happen to see him, I’d like for you to let him know that we’ll be gone for the week, but he’s not welcomed in the house until we get back.  If he would like to speak to either of us, then he can call the house after we return.”

“You know, I thought you were emotionally deceased the last time you were here,” my dad began, “but you’ve just proven to me that you’re not dead, just totally heartless, especially if that’s how you go about trying to show concern for your son.  You’re pathetic and only seem to be worried that he might try to get into your fucking house while you’re gone.  What are you afraid of?  Are you scared he might take some of his clothes or grab a bite to eat?  You disgust me, sir, and I wish for you to leave my home immediately.  If your son does come around, then we’ll let him know that he’s welcomed here, but I’ll also tell him that he’s better off forgetting that he ever had a father.” 

“I’m still his father, whether he likes it or not and no matter what you think or say,” Mr. Eldred challenged.   

“Maybe in your mind,” my dad countered.  “You may have acted like a father to him once, but he certainly doesn’t have one any longer.  This poor, pathetic creature whimpering at my front door has no more right to claim being a father than John Wayne Gacy or Jeffrey Dahmer.  As badly as I feel for your son, I feel even worse for you, because you don’t even realize what you’re losing and chasing away.  It’s extremely sad to think that you have such a fantastic son, but you can’t even see that about him.  All you can see is his sexuality.” 

“Because I’m trying to do what’s best for him and attempting to keep him from ruining his life,” Mr. Eldred shot back.    

“Maybe in that tiny brain of yours,” my dad mocked.  “As much as I despise you for your narrow-mindedness, I also feel sorry for you.  It’s definitely your loss and I mourn your ignorance in this matter.  You don’t deserve to have such a wonderful son as Seth.  Now, get off of my property, before I call the police.  If you wish to find out anything more about this situation in the future, then please use the telephone, because I don’t want to see your disgusting face or sorry ass around here again.” 

“Just give him my message,” Mr. Eldred stated, as he turned around. 

As Seth’s father started to walk away, my dad slammed the door behind him.  I had been watching Seth’s face throughout the entire exchange and noticed the faint sparkle that had begun to return to his eyes during the past week quickly began to fade again, as he listened in on the conversation.  When I saw this occurring, I pulled him against me, as we listened to my dad lose it with his father, but as soon as the front door slammed shut, Seth’s floodgates burst open.  Seth was sobbing heavily on my shoulder, as well as against my chest, and that is how my father found us when he came upstairs to look in on Seth.  My dad had been hoping Seth hadn’t heard what just took place downstairs, but now he knew better, once he saw me trying to console Seth.

“Seth, you can’t let what he said bother you,” my father told him.  “He’s an ignorant man and you can’t worry about the things he said down there.”

“Yeah but he’s MY ignorant old man,” Seth sobbed out.  “I don’t know why he still hates me so, because I’m not even there with him and he still puts his hatred for me before anything else.  I still love him, even after all those awful things he’s said, so why can’t he still love me?  I’m his only child.  He doesn’t have any others, but he still can’t forgive me for being gay.  Why not?  Am I really that horrible a person that even my own father can’t love me?”

“No, Seth you’re not,” my dad answered, while reaching out and caressing Seth in his arms.  “Your dad is just as scared and confused as you are, but unfortunately this is the only way he’s able to show it.”

“Why would he be scared and confused?” Seth demanded, while looking up at my dad. 

“Seth, he’s scared because he doesn’t understand why you’re gay,” he answered.  “I think he feels it must be due to something he either did or failed to do.  He’s confused about all of this and I believe he’s blaming himself for your sexuality.  He doesn’t know what to do or how to react, so he just blows off steam.  He’ll eventually work this out and then you two will get back together again.”

“I don’t think so, Mr. Nagorny,” Seth disagreed.  “He hates my guts now and doesn’t love me any more.  Nobody loves me any more.”

“We love you and we care about what happens to you,” my dad insisted.  “My wife and I would be happy to have you as our son, if we could do that.  You can stay here and live with us for as long as you want and you’ll always be part of our family.  My wife and I will always consider you to be just another one of our children, so don’t worry about him, Seth.  Eventually he’ll come around and realize what he’s lost.  Sooner or later it will sink through that rock-hard head of his that his son is a very special person and he’s only hurting you, as well as himself, with his stubbornness.  Give it some time, Seth, and things will work out.  You just wait and see.”

“I wish I could believe that.  I really do, but I know better,” Seth sobbed.  “I know my dad better than you do, so I know he isn’t just acting this way just because he’s scared or confused.  He hates gays.  He always has and always will.  That’s why he hates me now.  I wish he was different or that I could change things, but neither of those things is ever going to happen.  I’ve just got to accept the fact that I no longer have a father or a family.  I appreciate your offer, but it’s just not the same.  A kid needs his own family, and even though I’m glad you, your wife and Logan feel this way about me, it’s just not the same thing as having my own parents love and want me.  Mine don’t feel that way any longer and I’ve just got to get past that.  It’s something I have to do on my own, for myself.”

“If you change your mind then we’ll always be here for you,” my father assured him. 

My dad left the room after saying this, so I watched to see what Seth was going to do next.  I thought his next move might give me a clue about how I should react to him, but he merely went over to my bed, plopped down on it and then just stared up at the ceiling.  I gave him his space and left him alone, as I sat at my computer and glanced over at him occasionally, just to make sure he was ok.  About an hour later, he stood up and began to remove his outer clothing, so I turned off my computer and did the same thing.  I then crawled into the bed beside him, gave him a loving, passionate kiss and then embraced him.

“I love you, Seth, and sweet dreams,” I told him, as I pulled him against my side and we gradually fell asleep.