How I Live Now

I have written many adventure, drama and romance books with LGBTQI+ characters. Visit my website to browse my full bibliography. You can also sign up for my mailing list to ensure you don't miss any fun future updates. 

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I’m still at Doug’s apartment, and I know what you’re thinking. Actually, you’re a dumb book so, scratch that thought out. I would’ve left the first chance I got, but Matias had other plans. Even though we packed, I’m still running errands. Will my life ever return to normal; you know where I’m not doing chores for people who don’t care about me? Well, I ran errands, and now it's the end of the night, and well, I'm still alive. I can't believe how close I came to dying or worse. I'll get to that in a second, but let's first explain how I arrived at the nightclub.

 

See, after Matias calmed down about his family being personally attacked, we got to talking about our options. We packed first, but that was more in panic than a rational approach to the whole ordeal. Matias knew people, and safe to say I didn’t. According to his sources, he could go to them, and they’d help him if anything ever went wrong with Salvatore. It seemed too good to be true, and probably all of this is my fault. I should've trusted my gut instincts. We should have hightailed it out of Saint Clement, got on a train to anywhere, and never look back as cruel as it might seem to say.

 

However, I left, Matias persuaded me, and we followed his plan rather than mine. So, when Matias attempted to put on a jacket I loaned him, and he shrieked in pain, I knew it was no good. After some arguing, and I think it might have been a little more heated than it should've been, I agreed to stop by this nightclub he mentioned while he waited it out at home. Matias told me to go to the Blue Lagoon, ask for Sonny, who is the guy who runs the place, and use the code word Spongebob at the door with the bouncer. All of this didn't help alleviate my tension as I walked to the subway, caught the next train, and went north toward Lansdowne. Without Matias, I felt naked, anything that could go wrong would be down to me, and my knight in shining armor lounged on the bed like a soldier returned from war at Doug’s.

 

After the train, I walked along the street; the sidewalk was wet from the recent rainfall. My mind began turning its cogs about the phone call Hudson made during the robbery, and it replayed. Every opportunity for Matias had gone wrong, so I expected my meeting with this Sonny guy to be a huge flop. We both stayed up way too late, worried about Amy and Hudson, and then realized that no matter what we did, misery would still find its way to people we cared about.

 

Realizing I was lost, I used google maps to find the nightclub, then made way to the entrance. There were crowd control barriers dividing people from the road and the path. People were everywhere, standing in line, lingering by the line, talking to people over the fence. Folks even came staggering out of the club, obviously drunk and barely able to put one foot in front of the other. The pink and purple glare from the overhead neon signs with the club name Blue Lagoon illuminated the street, and the many youthful faces waiting in line. The password echoed in my head as I made my way to the front of the line. Matias had said I could skip to the top, and the bouncer would let me in as long as I said the code. I'll admit, I practically shit myself as I moved to the top of the line, people began to stare at me, and when it became evident I was cutting in line, people began to voice their agitation. The security guy locked eyes with me; his hand came out, telling me to stop right there.

 

Before I got a word out, he boomed in a menacing voice, “Get outta here…."

 

The tone in which the bouncer addressed me rattled my being; broke my nerve, and the walls of panic crept in. I was glued to the spot. If I said Spongebob... he'd laugh out loud. It could not be serious. The guy peered around, pretending not to see me, and the next time his eyes scanned over me, he seemed agitated.

 

“Are you still here?” the bouncer said.

 

“I… I…” I began to stutter; the will to get past him increased.

 

“You don’t look 21. Piss off back home and don’t be difficult,” the bouncer added.

 

This time I was ready… my voiced developed with the tiniest squeak.

 

"Spongebob," I said.

 

Something about the man's expression changed; his eyes grew softer, and he stepped aside without another word, nodding with his head to proceed. I took the chance, I didn't want to anger him anymore, so I raced forward, but then I realized I had no idea where I was going. So, reluctantly I spun around, taking one slow step after another, and went back to the entrance. The bouncer had his back to me, and not wanting to startle him, just in case he turned out with a punch that could knock my head off my shoulders, I slid out by him until he saw me. He had this look in his eyes, like 'Christ kid… you are such a pain.'

 

“Excuse me… where will I find Sonny?” I asked.

 

“At his table in the VIP area...” the man said.

 

I didn’t wish to piss him off further with my presence, so I smiled and went on my way. Plus, I could practically feel my bowel churning inside me, and I certainly didn’t want to shit myself. So, walking on, the club flooded in with all its bright strobing lights, the ear-splitting thumping from the music, joined by the mass of body heat from hundreds of dancing people. Bodies rubbing on bodies, lines waiting for the restrooms, the bartender overwhelmed with orders for alcohol, and every seat was taken. This little world everyone else was a part of seemed entirely alien to me. All the dancers, drinkers, and thoughtless romancers appeared in their own bubble, and I came into their world unannounced. The shock of it all awed me for mere moments, but when I realized I'd have to make my way through the crowd, it's soured my mood. I could make out the booths on the far side of the room, along a wall by stairs to what looked like they led up to an office. And dangling from the ceiling, a sign stooped, stating VIP, so I knew where to go.

 

Begrudgingly I let my legs take me in the direction of the VIP area. Subconsciously, I skirted to the side of the dance floor, doing my utmost best to avoid the crowd. By some means, I managed to make it all the way to the other side of the room without somebody grinding on me. Without Matias, his world, with this drug thing, I felt incredibly exposed to his absence. Accompanied by deafening music, I crossed the wooden floor that acted as a buffer between the dance floor and the VIP booths. My eyes automatically scanned the seating area; they rose up like bleachers. However, these tables were draped in soft cotton tablecloths, each chair had cushy padding, and the price of admission was probably $10,000.

 

I noticed a man sitting alone, his legs spread under the table, and his left arm reclined on the top rail backrest for support. He looked like a fat version of the marshmallow man. The guy was caught up talking on his cell phone, and every time he chuckled from a conversation, his large belly rippled, his triple jaw wiggled, and his voice was squeaky enough to overpower the booming music from time to time. The security detail on duty stopped me from entering like the bouncer on the door. The first impression he made reminded me of Lurch from The Adams Family. Now that I say it like this, I mean his height… not the ugliness. It's shitty when I put it this way. What is it with security guys being taller than the Empire State?

 

Pointing to the man in the background.

 

“I’M LOOKING FOR SONNY!” I shouted.

 

“AND I’M LOOKING FOR A PAYRISE…” the man yelled back.

 

Pondering, I figured I’d rehash the codeword that worked for my entry with the bouncer. After I said it, Lurch turned and peered at his boss.

 

"Spongebob," He yelled.

 

The boss stopped talking on the phone, lowered it momentarily, and waved to his bodyguard, ushering me forward. The security guy grunted, then stepped aside, and I climbed the carpeted stairs to the raised platform. You could see the entire club from that vantage point. My eyes scanned over the dance floor, lingered on the DJ. He searched his computer for music with his hand cupping his ear with a pair of headphones, the cup backward pressed to his head.

 

“I NEVER SEEN YOU BEFORE…” Sonny said.

 

"I'm a friend of Matias," I mumbled.

 

I forgot about being in the club, and the music was so loud that the man didn’t hear me.

 

“WHAT… SPEAK UP,” Sonny yelled.

 

"I'M HERE ABOUT MATIAS," I screamed.

 

Sonny raised his arms, almost playing with me, telling me to calm down.

 

“KEEP YOUR HAIR ON…” Sonny squawked.

 

Edging closer, I stood beside the table, awkwardly waiting for him to tell me to sit down. I didn't want to sit; it seemed weird without being told to, and I certainly didn't want to piss him off. Yet, Sonny's demeanor; something about his presence did not scream hostile enemy. The music happened to be incredibly loud, and the hammering, pumping, and drumming brought about a headache. Sonny pointed to the stairs, then directed attention to his ears.

 

“We can speak upstairs in the office; it’ll be quieter,” Sonny yelled.

 

I wanted to stay on the ground floor; somehow, being out of sight got my stomach raging again and my heart racing. Sonny wasn't all that bad-looking, and by that, I mean he looked harmless. However, that little voice in the back of my head showed up, but instead of it being the usually winy one I'm accustomed to all these years, Matias showed up. His voice fired around the neurons, similar to the echo in a large cavern with many connecting tunnels. Nonetheless, I wanted to get back to Matias, and seeing as he sent me all this way to get help, it was ridiculous to turn around.

 

Climbing the stairs with Sonny, he walked ahead, and I trailed behind. We entered a small corridor; he ordered me to proceed and take the first door on the right. Sauntering down the remaining of the hall, Sonny shut the outermost door, and I opened the glass door to his office. The first thing I noticed was the absence of light, except for the glow of bright white light coming from a large fish tank embedded in a wall that divided the room. One side cut into an office area, a large window was behind the desk, and strobe lights and dull thudding of the nightclub music came from beyond it. On the other end of the office, it seemed more like a place for relaxation. There was an oversized half-moon couch backed up to the aquarium tank, along with a minibar, a record player, and some meager side tables. One of which had a bag of cocaine on it; the outer plastic had already been disemboweled.

 

“Have a seat," Sonny said.

 

I edged to the side as he squeezed in between me and the doorjamb. Shutting the door, he then brushed past me, then went to his desk. My eyes scanned the sofa where he told me to sit, but I didn't want to. The social call wasn't going to be long; the task would be quick in my mind. No fooling around, just in and out.

 

"You're here on behalf of Matias, I take it?” Sonny asked.

 

"Eh… Y-Yeah… we b-both need help," I stuttered.

 

“I can help… Matias… He’s earned it… But you… I’ve never you seen before,” Sonny added.

 

However, Sonny had other plans. It's like he wanted to talk with me. You know how when you go and visit your grandparents in the old folk’s home, and they don’t want you to leave, well that. But, something about his attitude suggested; I’d oblige him, even if I didn’t want to oblige. Sonny reached under the lip of his desk, pressed something, and the shutter for the large window overlooking the disco began to roll down. Excess lighting turned on around the room; some strip lighting on the bottom of the couch illuminated the floor. Then he approached the little seating area, stopping momentarily to put some music on the record player. Something about his behavior from downstairs shifted, and now he seemed distracted. Sultry music trickled from the speakers, its melody growing as it reached us. Sonny sat down on the couch and beckoned to me. The body language disturbed me; something was clearly off.

 

“So, you have a problem… Come… I’ll fix it,” Sonny murmured.

 

My heart began to accelerate in my chest, my breathing slowed, I felt a blush coming on, along with cold feverish sweat on my nape.

 

“Em… I… I think,” I added.

 

All the words I would say got muddled up inside my head, and I stood there stupidly. The music in the background didn't help elevate the tension; instead of ridding me of the roiling stomach, it brought it on. There I was thinking: how could I have been so foolish? Things didn't feel right, and I should have followed my gut instincts. This guy didn't seem like somebody who would help just from the kindness of his heart.

 

"Don't be shy," Sonny murmured.

 

When he blatantly groped his crotch, everything made sense. My heart took off galloping, and I began to fidget with my fingernail, rubbing the tip of my index finger into my thumb. My eyes inspected every surface, searching for something to change the topic. Matias did warn me about being careful around this guy?

 

"I… I… Eh… I think you have the wrong idea," I said, my voice trembling with little courage.

 

"Come now… I'll take care of you… I'll buy you a scooter like Matias," Sonny said.

 

Scooter! What did that mean? I stood dumbly staring at Sonny, wondering what he meant, and the pieces came together. If my assumption was correct, Matias slept with him for a scooter? The emotions coursed through me; they were like nothing I ever felt before, and I didn't know rightly what to do with them. Part of me felt sick; another angry.

 

"I should go," I breathlessly said, turning on my heel and making for the door.

 

“Ah-Ah-Ahh…” Sonny cheerfully added.

 

Peering over my shoulder, Sonny removed his hand from his crotch, withdrew a firearm from his hip, and pointed it at me.

 

“Come over here…” Sonny said.

 

Complying, I slowly crept over toward the crescent moon he sat on and stopped in front of him. It felt a genuine sense of dread that my life might be in danger. I never had a gun pointed at me, and the sheer sight quaked my bones. All in one, my body was like a nasty stack of piled dishes by the kitchen sink; they wobbled and swayed, begging to fall.

 

"You know… You're pretty, prettier than Matias," Sonny said.

 

Hearing him say that about me made the eventual sick come up my throat. It was a false alarm, just some acid reflux, but it still made me feel yucky.

 

"Take it off… slowly," Sonny said, waving the gun at me.

 

“What…?” I asked, my mouth agape.

 

Sonny pointed at my shirt, so reluctantly, I did as I was told. Grabbing my shirt by the hem, I lifted it over my head, holding it in my hands, feeling awkward and exposed. I began to cradle my elbow to ease the panic, but the hot burning around my eyes didn't help me stay calm. The humiliation, the embarrassment of it all, made me want to cry, and I think Sonny saw that I was on the brink. Yet, I stood there, letting it happen, and it would continue to happen if I didn’t do anything to make it stop.

 

"No tears… it's unattractive… I don't want to see another Matias," Sonny said.

 

So, it eventually broke the barriers; the tears spilled out over the dam. Yet, as quick as it transpired, I wiped away the loose streaks. Everything else dropped to the floor, and seeing as the only way I could comfort myself, I subconsciously covered my chest, holding onto my shoulder for support. I kept telling myself to get a grip, and in due course, it worked. Now my mind was in survival mode; everything I glanced at became a weapon. It was like one of those superhero movies, where you see all the fancy high-tech shit, like a missile tracking system or Robocop.

 

“Start dancing… And take it all off,” Sonny added.

 

And so, I did, my hips moved side to side, unnaturally, and it was very hard to do. I've never danced in my life, so I didn't even know if that worked or if I was doing it correctly. However, Sonny's appetite was fed; it appeared to be working. My eyes lingered on the cocaine sitting on the end table. My thinking: I could throw it in his eyes, blind him and make a run for it. Yet, I needed to make him more vulnerable; I'd get a better shot to fuck him up if he leaned forward. With a spin and wiggle of my ass, he did what I wanted him to do. Sonny rested his elbows on his knees and quite abruptly stared at my butt. It was now, or never, he lowered the gun as he seemed to enjoy himself. And with a gulp of bravery, I imagined I was Matias. I could do something Matias couldn't, something that shouldn't have happened, and that notion fuelled me. His confusion is what came first. My step was quick, my eagerness ripe and swift. Next, the bag of cocaine was in my hand; my fingers shredded the plastic wrap on the brick.

 

Flinging the powder at him, it smacked him square in the nose, but that didn't stop me front putting my entire palm in with some force. I'm pretty sure I broke his nose. And after that, I can't recall much. Something snapped. Rage took over; I was on top of Sonny, straddling his lap, his head caught in both my hands, and repeatedly his skull got whacked against the fish tank behind the sofa. The confusion is what caught him off guard. The sharp pop of a bullet going off didn't deter me, but when the fish tank exploded, the water wetting me, it woke me up from my fury. The next thing I knew, I was on the floor, grabbing my t-shirt and the gun that Sonny dropped and making a hasty exit.

 

The man groaned and keeled over as I left him, meaning I didn't kill him, even if he deserved it. I've been thinking all afternoon about what this meant. I kept thinking about all the people who did me wrong. It's like every smack of that man's head with the fish tank was like… this one's for you, and this one's for you. I saw dad, I saw Salvatore… but more hauntingly, I saw me. I saw me. And I'm not sure what all that means, but right now, I'm thankful that things are quiet. Now I just need to get Matias out the door, into a taxi, and to a train station. I'm not taking any more chances. We need to get the hell out of here. I need to start trusting myself. It begins when I get that tingly feeling in the pit of my stomach, telling me something is not right… I'll believe it from now on.

 

Talk soon,

Kyle

 

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