How I Live Now

Day 25

 

Work was slow, but in all, I enjoyed it. Nothing fascinating happened, though I did have a moment when I forgot how to open the register when I served a customer. However, the biggest bulk of my day began when I left work. I changed out my work gear, stopped by the clock in deposit, and made sure to sign out. When I walked through the double door into the parking lot, Matias sat on a bollard directly in front of the entrance, clear as day so I wouldn't miss him when I came out. Or maybe he was afraid he'd miss me if he didn't put himself directly in my path. I'll admit, I felt a built shameful for thinking that he'd be a nice guy when I saw him sitting there. There was a stupid smirk on his face when he saw me approaching. My first thought was to look around to see if that big brute who stands outside Salvatore's happened to be around. He wasn't. I wanted to give him a piece of mind, tell him that we weren't going to be friends. It will only make it harder if he has to extort me. Plus, who wants a friend who coerces money out of them? Expect, I couldn't get angry at Matias, and after tonight I'm pretty sure he means well. He's just in deep with the wrong people.

 

“Hey…” Matias said.

 

When he saw me, he perked up, and it was like I set fire to his world. I'm not sure what I did to make him so happy. Maybe it was because I still spoke with him despite the circumstances.

 

“Hey…” I added.

 

I felt a bit awkward. I didn't expect him to show up all of a sudden. Also, hanging around with him didn't seem like a prospect after I felt hurt by his appearance at my apartment the other night. Yet, it appeared he was nervous or resentful too. Matias looked on anxious, and it further put me on edge. I was going to tell him to get lost. Honest. But that didn't happen. He sort of opened up to me.

 

Afterward, I didn’t have the heart to say, ‘off you go… good luck with your life.’

 

Matias cleared his throat and twiddled with his thumbs. He said, “Before you storm off down the street, just let me say that I feel bad about the other day.”

 

It felt a bit unjustified given the circumstance, and he has no right to like me, but he seems to do. My heart sighed in my chest… if that's a thing, but the events of what happened still echoed in my head.

 

"And that makes it okay…." I said.

 

I was going to give him a good talking too, but that didn’t happen. Not that I am great with words, but it felt necessary. I wanted him to know that; we are not going to be friends when all he is going to do is terrorize me for money. I don’t think my heart can take another pretty boy letting me down, but somehow Matias showed me again that he can be a gentleman. Or… boy with a heart, I guess. And that’s an understatement for a street kid.

Matias cut in, “Nothing is okay, but what do you expect? Salvatore is a snake, and he coils around you until you have no escape.”

 

What? Is all I thought. I heard him diss his boss a few times now, but that didn't bring home the knowledge. There was a silence. Some lady came out of the grocery store with a cart and pushed it down the ramp toward her car.

 

Rubbing his elbow, Matias continued, “I lied about the scooter… truth is… I'm paying off a debt- a deal went sideways… and…."

 

A deal? It made me wonder if Matias was admitting to selling drugs. I’ll tell you; it made me feel panicked. I didn’t want to get in with the drug scene, but he didn’t look like he was high. Not that all drug dealers are coked-up, but it made me intimidated.

 

“And…?” I asked.

 

Matias seemed nervous about continuing, his eyes darted to the ground, and he crinkled his forehead.

 

“I stayed away because you’re too nice to get caught up,” Matias said.

 

He had that pleading look in his eyes; his cheeks were hollowed as if he sucked in his jaws. Oddly, I felt somewhat humbled, valued in the broadest sense. I'm not sure if I was supposed to feel that way, but I did. Sighing, I gauged his facial expression. I didn't know what to say. I've never been good at comforting people with their problems. God knows I have enough of my own. Silence crept in, and I didn't feel comfortable with it.

 

“I got people hurt… so, yeah,” Matias mumbled.

 

My first thought about the entire affair was to ask, “Does your mom know?”

 

“No! And well, I don’t know, but I want that way… secret, I mean,” Matias added.

 

“Right,” I murmured.

 

I felt a tightness in my eyes, and I blinked to release the strain.

 

Messaging his neck, Matias said, “Listen, I know it's not much, but would maybe wanna get something to eat? Just so I can prove I’m not a total dick.”

 

Okay, Matias wasn't all that bad. It's just he was in an uninviting place at the wrong time. Fear can be a significant indicator in making people do stuff they don't want to do. I'm a child of this mentality.

 

"Well, you are long and shaped like a penis,” I added.

 

Matias cracked a smile. His eyes lit up with anticipation, and I could have sworn my heart could have blown up like one of those parade balloons.

 

“Oh, buuuurn… Now I have to buy you dinner,” Matias chided.

 

There it was again; I think it's flirting. Possibly Matias does it without realizing it, but I'm not complaining. I smirked at his response, feeling happy inside, but still, I weighed the pros and cons. I didn't want to get in any more trouble than I was already in, but sometimes I can be so blindsided by a boy.

 

“Wadda say?” Matias added.

 

Well, I figured what could be the big deal? I'd get food; it would be better than sitting alone all evening. Plus, I'd get to know Matias better. Yet, on the downfall, Matias was involved in deep-deep shit, and possibly it was better to distance me from it.

 

“Well….?” Matias added gleefully, raising from the bollard.

 

Drugs are serious. Would Matias hurt me? I didn't think so, but it still crossed my mind. Crossing over to me, he began to prod me in the stomach and ribs playfully.

 

“And the answer will be?” Matias recited.

 

The poking and prodding got more erratic, and I decided to giggle. Eventually, I relented. I didn’t want him to know I am super ticklish.

 

“Fine, okay. Just lay off,” I yelled with a chuckle.

 

For a few seconds, we calmed down, then Matias handed me a helmet. We set off into the city center. It's bustling midweek. I got to experience the rush hour traffic. Many cars were bumper to bumper, but we could sail down the road curbside with our little scooter, cutting the commute time. Now it made sense why Matias preferred the smaller mode of transport. Eventually, he reached a quiet street corner. Not many people were about, just a few folks standing around a food van on the corner lot. I could count everyone on the one hand, but Matias said they sold the best hotdogs in the city. I presumed that the place would be over-spilling with people, but this wasn't the case. It wasn't quite like the food market, and even if the setting unnerved me, at least I was with Matias. He seems to every inch of this city. The interaction reminded me of a busy Japanese street with lots of small Konbini stores, coupled with neon lights, and active nightlife and hookers on every street corner. Though that wasn't the case here.

 

Matias pulled over beside the van; we dismounted and went to the truck. The cook behind the counter greeted Matias by name. I found that oddly attractive how some random person had taken the time to learn his name. Or… that Matias had taken the time to befriend the vendor. Peering over that counter, watching the food cooking was so tantalizing. The smell, the sights… Gawd… I didn’t realize how hungry I’d gotten.

 

We grabbed our food and walked a short distance to a bench by the sidewalk. New people came to order food as we sat down. I was looking forward to digging and ravaging the hotdog. Now when I think about it… that sounds like a weird thing to say. I plopped down on the bench, unraveled my bun from the paper. Matias emptied his pockets of receipts from earlier in the bin by the bench, and then he took a seat beside me.

 

When I thought of my ideal date, I pictured fancy restaurants and the guy buying me the dinner. Yet, I don't think I'd like it all that much now. I enjoyed the food outings that Matias brought me on. Usually, you hear about gays falling into body image stigmas, but this was gratifying. He seemed to like me for my personality, I guess. Lifting the hotdog to my mouth, and I took a bit. The red sauce was a bit runny and dripped off onto my jeans.

 

“Shit…” I announced.

 

Matias had been peeling back the insulation so he could eat when he looked at me.

 

“What?” Matias added with concern.

 

I reached down and scooped up the glob and sucked it off my finger. Matias followed my concern.

 

“I got ketchup on my pants,” I said.

 

“I’ll get some towels,” Matias announced, placing his hotdog on the seat, then shot up.

 

Pivoting over my shoulder, I watched as he approached the van. He spoke with the cook, and I found myself smiling unknowingly. How could it be that he was in with the wrong crowd? That sucks. Yet, my attention was interrupted when a car pulled up. Some man in a blue Passat rolled down his electric window.

 

“Hey kid, you working,” the man said.

 

Confused, I looked from the car to Matias for help. Work…? I didn’t know what he meant.

 

“What?” I said.

 

I felt a bit anxious, but that wasn't anything new. All my life, I've been living on the fringes of a nervous breakdown, but all day hadn't helped either.

 

“How much? Your cute,” the man said.

 

Then it made sense. Did I really look like a rent boy? What did I do to draw the attention of a creep? I've no idea. But I was grateful when Matias came back with the napkins. I think he saw how uncomfortable I was feeling, and he looked at the car.

 

“You okay?” Matias asked.

 

I peered at Matias, giving wide eyes to indicate the guy was a creep.

 

“How about a threesome?” The creep said. The man shifted in his car, presumably feeling himself up.

 

“WHAT!!!!” Matias rebuked.

 

“The three of us,” the creep added.

 

"GET the fuck outta here, you PERV," Matias yelled.

 

Matias glanced around in delirium, locked eyes on the trash can, reached inside, and removed the trash. Matias hurled what looked like a cup at the man's car. Upon impact, it exploded, sending all the contents of a leftover beverage all over the vehicle. The man flinched and applied his foot to the accelerator, and the car moved along.

 

“Fucking psycho…” The man rebutted.

 

I couldn't believe what had just happened, but I was glad it was over. I wonder how it would have gone if Matias wasn't there to kick ass? It also feels nice to have somebody stick up for me for a change. After a while, when things calmed down, we got back to our food. It's funny how Matias doesn't let anything bother him.

 

“That was tense,” I said.

 

"Well, he's gone, ain't he?" Matias added; while munching on food.

 

“Yeah… Thanks,” I muttered.

 

We ate in silence for a bit, then I asked, “Why is it that I get this bad boy persona from you? But deep down, you're a foodie with a heart."

 

Matias grinned, so I couldn’t help doing the same.

 

“Because I am a foodie with a heart,” Matias chided.

 

The two of us chucked. After the food was gone, we made our way back to my house. I still didn't make my move. I don't want it to turn out weird. I'm not sure he's gay, but he has taken me out twice. Are they dates? Hmm…

 

Anyway, that was the day. I'm going to have a quick shower before jumping into bed. I'm beat, and besides, I have an early day tomorrow. I might even have some naughty time tonight. Who knows. Well… that about it.

 

Talk soon,

Kyle.