How I Live Now

Day 19 - Thursday

 

I’ve been thinking about Matias since out date… I mean, it was a date, right? It felt like Matias was trying to impress me, and isn’t that the definition of a date…? To attract a viable co-partner. Just, I haven’t heard from him since that night. I really enjoyed it, and I wonder if I left my mark. Should I have kissed him? It too early, right? I could have totally weirded him out if I took an unexpected move. Though maybe that’s what Matias was waiting for… Do you think he’s a fuckboy? I don’t, something tells me that he was genuine. However, I haven’t exactly heard anything from Matias in the last few days. He knows where I work; and he Amy could easily relay information if he wanted to contact me. But why does it feel like I am getting the cold shoulder? No idea why… let’s hope I didn’t screw up. I’m going to settle in for the night, so… yeah.

 

Talk soon,

Kyle

 

***

 

Day 23 - Monday

 

Today was… well, Matias contacted me, but it wasn’t in the way I expect it to be. I feel attacked, hurt and agitated. I’ve been on edge since they left, but I’ll get to that in a second. I get the mundane shit out of the way, and work up the bigger news. Work was quick today. Nobody really spoke with me today which felt a bit weird. I’m not sure if everybody was avoiding me, but the store was busy. Many folks were out on the floor running around; so, it was busy. I got assigned the customer returns; and it was relatively quiet. I can count the amount of interactions I had with humans on one hand. By lunch, I was dreaming of that BLT in the food court. Some shaggy blond-headed boy approached me just before break with colorful package in his hand. Nervously the lad sauntered up to the register and placed a box of ribbed condoms on the counter. He could feel the turbulent energy racing through his veins, and his face was reddening with embarrassment. The kid must have been about 15-years-old. I’m not sure whether there is a law on this little scenario, but I felt awkward too. I didn’t want to reject him, but like I said, I didn’t know if I could sell them to the boy. Did he seek me out because I look young too? I think that may have been his mission all along. So, long story short, I didn’t sell them to him at the counter. I crushed the kids hopes and dreams of getting laid… if that’s what he intended to do. When I finished what the kid, I figured I should have sold them… it's better than getting a girl pregnant at that age. Lunch rolled on, and I said adios to Organico and I went to get brunch. I’ve been skipping breakfast the past few mornings to save money.

 

Exiting the store, I came across the same kid who I refused to sell the condoms. Out of earshot, he was talking to another boy; the two of them where giggling.

 

“I can ask my brother for some,” the friend said.

 

“She wants me to have a condom for tonight,” the condom kid said.

 

I felt guilty, and with remorse leading the way, I went back to the customer service counter. I left the condoms on the returns shelf. Plucking them up, I bought them and left the store. I was relieved to see the same kid talking to his friend in the hallway. I would have been annoyed if I bought them, and the teenager cleared off. When he saw me, he skeptically looked at me, and I passed a small paper bag to the boy. The teen cracked open the bag, grinned and then peered up with a twinkle in his eye.

 

“Eh… Thanks… I guess,” the boy said.

 

We exchanged grins and we parted ways. I got my lunch feeling good that I could make some kids day. I hope she rocked his world… Or… maybe that was an inappropriate thought. But the BLT… my GAWD; it felt like heaven on my tongue. I wish I could afford to buy from that café every day, but my finances are abysmal.

 

When I left work; Amy said I could take home some leftover produce. Mainly fruit and veg, and since it was marked to trash it, she said I could have it. The expiration date must have bene yesterday or something, but the fruit all looks fine to me. This evening when I got back to Doug’s, I started using the leftovers. It was free, so that’s the best bit. Doug was at work, and I wondered what time he’d get home. Having the run of the apartment was nice, but it felt strange with it being silent. I popped the tv on in the next room to add some background noise. I made myself a fruit salad and sat down in front of the tv in the living room. This would be my dinner, and I wasn’t complaining. Sitting down, I plucked up the fork and was about to dig in, but the doorbell chimed. It startled me. Usually, Doug would just use his key, but maybe it was an off day. Old people get forgetful. Figuring he forgot his keys I went and opened the door. Yet, it wasn’t Doug.

 

It was Tiny. The big guy who stood outside Salvatore’s shit apartment. What was he doing here? I never expected to see him on my doorstep, but nonetheless, here he was… on my doorstep. I should have looked through the spyhole, but as soon as I opened up, Tiny crushed against the door and into foyer. Tiny didn’t speak.

 

“Hey you can’t come in…” I added.

 

The fear in my erupted like a volcano. Tiny didn’t pay any heed, and he just grumbled as he set off down the corridor toward the bedrooms and living room.

 

“Why are you here? I have a month,” I asked. Giving starting away from the door to see where he was going.

 

Yet, when I saw who was trailing behind out in the hallway, I stopped short. Instead, of an explosion it was like a car skid to a stop and the wheel came rolling off taking my confusion with it. Matias strolled to the door, then stopped. He didn’t have a smile, nor a one of malice. From the way he stood there, he didn’t want to look at me. I peered at him for some explanation as to the abrupt visitation.

 

“Where just checking,” Matias shamefully added.

 

His eyes peered out over the balcony to the street below.

 

“For what?” I asked.

 

Glancing over my shoulder, I heard Tiny opening doors and searching around the apartment.

The thought of them taking something crossed my mind. How would I explain the tv missing to Doug? Though thankfully they didn’t lift anything, they just searched. My throat felt incredibly dry, and my left felt like strains of dry brittle spaghetti.

 

“Salvatore wanted us to make a house call… Sorry,” Matias added.

 

“Does anyone else live here?” Tiny injected.

 

I pivoted over my shoulder he had made it back to the top hallway. That was is scary where he just stares you out.

 

“Why does it matter?” I asked.

 

Though from the callous stare that Tiny gave me I fessed up.

 

“Doug” I said.

 

“Hao… Who’s Doug?” Matias added; his voice resorting to a squeak.

 

His voice broke; and if I didn’t know better, I’d assumed he was jealous.

 

“My landlord,” I added, glancing back and forth.

 

After I mentioned that we weren’t involved, Matias seemed reassured. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to make of that.

 

“Oh…” Matias added quietly as he peered over the railing again.

 

He didn’t even step foot inside, it was like he was resentful for being here.

 

Tiny approached me, my heart skipped a beat, but he brushed past me and back out the door.

 

“That’s it… lets go,” Tiny added.

 

Don’t get me wrong, but I felt the weight dissipate when they started to head off. I was expecting them to beat me up, just to send home the message. The older man started off down the open balcony toward the elevator bank.

 

“I’ll meet you in the car…” Matias added.

 

Tiny swiped the swatch on the silver plate by the elevator to call the lift. The large man skeptically peered back at the two of us, and I was surprised that Matias wanted to lag behind. I thought, what would this mean? Though Tiny accepted it, then the ding of the elevator resounded and stepped inside. There was a strange silence.

 

“I’m sorry…” Matias added, placing his hands in his pockets.

 

Those lime-green eyes, narrowed and stared down at the concrete walkway my front door. I was confused to what part he was apologizing for… the part where he was ghosting me, or the part where he shows up to extort me for his boss.

 

“For what part?” I asked.

 

I folded my arms, feeling uncomfortable, but for some bizarre reason, I wasn’t pissed at him. Clearing his throat, he kicked his shoes off the doorstep.

 

“For today…” Matias added. “And for not saying, hey, all week…”

 

I couldn’t be mad at him, but I did feel strangely used. It made me wonder how deep Matias was into the underworld that he had to work for Salvatore to pay off his outstanding payment.

 

“How bad is the debt?” I asked.

 

Rubbing his neck, Matias added, “Bad…”

 

Then the silence returned, and I murmured back, “right.”

 

We stood awkwardly; me staring at him, and Matias glancing at the pavement. Eventually he looked up, locked eyes with me and I was drawn in.

 

“I should get going,” Matias added.

 

With a nod he started backing away from the door. It was like all those other times. When we first met standing in the aisle looking for jeans, when we spoke with his mom, and the time he came from school and asked me out in the store. How come he never turns and walks away. He always backs away so he can look at me, and then eventually he’d turn and off he went. Like that, I was left standing at my front in a state of disbelief. I’m feel a bit agitated and afraid. I mean, what’s stopping Tiny from coming back here and dragging me out of my bed while I sleep? Is this the part where I start sleeping with a Rambo knife under my pillow? Hmm… I going to try and get my shower. I have work tomorrow, and with that little home visit, I want to pay off Salvatore as quick as possible.

 

Talk soon,

Kyle.